The Bipolar Otaku

There has always been something about the symptoms of mania that always struck me as being... not quite right. These are from the DSM-IV, slightly re-ordered, and comments added provided by common thinking of the late 20th century.

inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
Haven't we always been told that in order to be happy, we have to make something of ourselves, do something great, be heroic... In other words, do something grandiose! And whenever we do something better than mediocre, we should be proud of ourselves and our accomplishments.

excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
Well, to be happy, don't we need to have sex? I'm not just talking occassional sex with the same old people that we are married to, but something new and exciting?
Don't we need to buy things so that we can say we own them? You mean buying the latest iPod won't make me happy?
And how are we going to get the money to buy these things? Well, by making business investments, of course. And we all know that the risky investments pay off the best (assuming that they don't fail miserably).

increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
Well, to be rich and happy, we need to set goals for ourselves. Once the goals are set, to be successful in those goals, we need to be directly focused on those goals.
Psychomotor agitation? Well, when you don't sleep much, you might expect to start shaking.

decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
Okay, so you have to work in order to get all these things that make you happy, so at this point you either are ignoring everything else besides the goal driven works you have been working on, or you are not sleeping to make up for the lost time. Maybe both. If you were really motivated, your mind would tell your body to go despite its exhaustion - like getting your third wind. If that doesn't work for you, don't sleep for a few days and your body will adjust to it. Then you'll have enough time, right?

more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
Again, don't sleep for a few days, and you have to keep yourself going one way or another. So keep your mind moving - talk.
Besides, to be successful, you have to be a smooth player, talk to people and get them to do everything you want them to.

distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
This is when you start spacing out. It happens.
Besides, the devil is in the details, so you better keep a close eye on all the small things.

flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
Well, to be successful you have to be a sharp thinker, right? Racing thoughts are a good thing.

So... are we encouraging our society to be manic?

Okay, I'll admit that I decidedly ignored certain words, like "inflated", "excessive", "foolish", etc., all the words that imply "more that necessary". My theory is that one symptom of the manic mood is not actually the symptom, but the cause of the rest, and that is racing thoughts.

Anyway, the thing that I have a problem with is that it really seems like the manic person is running out and doing all of the things that our society tells them to do in order to be happy. The key difference is that they do it in a radical way...

So, I'm thinking that maybe this is the only symptom of bipolar disorder: radicalness. Radicalness can actually be caused by the racing thoughts. We think something mundane - then our mind takes that one little thought, re-hashes it millions of times each second, and pretty soon we get a big thought. We start laying out all the plans that would enable us to do it (the start of goal driven behavior) and we do it. We start to think "I've thought it through and this has to work" (the start of grandiosity).

The part that gets bipolar individuals into trouble is that they fail to follow that path successfully. There is one theory already expounded by some psychologists that basically states that most of the most successful business men (CEOs and other big wigs) are bipolar, hypomanic depressives more precisely. Basically, for better or for worse, they succeeded, at least partially, in their plans to follow the path of happiness that the world told them to pursue. In other words, they got the lucky breaks that helped them not fail... otherwise - who knows - perhaps they would be spending time in therapy like the rest of us.

After all, look at the list of words "inflated", "excessive", "foolish"... they express a more than NECESSARY feeling. Inflated self-esteem - if the person had been successful, their self-esteem would have been earned, not inflated. Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities - if you were successful, would you care what pleasurable activities people told you were excessive? Foolish business investments - when investments are successful, they become amazing not foolish, so instead of dealing with bankrupcy, you get to write books so that other people might be as lucky as you were.

So what happens when manic pursuits crash? What happened to you the last time your entire vision of happiness got torn in half? That's right, you got depressed. Maybe it was so bad that you thought that nothing could ever make you happy again... so you thought about ending the suffering right there. But hopefully you realized, it's still there - there is a hope. So you go off and chase the next pursuit of happiness. Maybe it leads to the next mania too.

So the cycle continues... until we realize what is going on. And sometimes we realize what is going on only because someone forces us to sit down and talk with a professional. They say, "you have this", and everyone else says "oh, you're crazy..." and then our racing thoughts latch onto the word "crazy" and insanity becomes the norm. Congratulations to modern psychology - we have been provided with the excuse for people to act however they want to... "Well, I wasn't in control... after all, I'm insane." Why bother trying to be happy anymore?

Umm... okay, I'll admit that I'm missing something there... evidence. Yeah, that's the biggest problem with me going off about this theory - I'll never have the means of doing psychological tests on people to prove it one way or another. Yep, I'm trying to define a line with one data point - me. Oh well, it's my life.

posted by JT  # 9:58:00 PM 0 comments

I've been toying with this idea for a while, but haven't really gotten around to writing any of my thoughts down until I saw a post by Manica.

What if bipolar disorder weren't really "bi-" or "polar"? What if the illness and all its symptoms and effects are just a single tendency - one which amplifies what we are already thinking. After all, our normal thoughts are already bipolar, in a way - some are good and some are bad; some are constructive and some are destructive; some are kind and some are vile. Sure, it's sometimes comforting to think that we can blame our thoughts as being caused by something else, but I can't honestly look at my life and say that anything I ever did, whether in a mania or a depression or a "normal" state, was ever caused by anything other than my very own thoughts - my personal subjective interpretation of what was objectively happening around me and to me.

So what if the bipolar illness was less like our current view, like a teeter-totter that we try to balance on by standing in the middle, but more like a stick that we wave around while trying to keep it straight up. The difference between the two views is the participation of the individual. On the teeter-totter, we are just there for the ride, but we can try to influence it. With the stick, we are ultimately responsible for keeping control, but we have difficulty dealing with the size and weight of the stick. Of course, the size of the stick is different for different people - normal people just carry around a baton; bipolars carry around telephone poles.

So what's the difference? Momentum! With a small stick, the moment arm is small, so a slight imbalance is easy to recover from. With a large stick, the moment arm is huge, so a slight imbalance becomes an enormous challenge to recover from. This is why we need help, because we don't have the strength to support our own burdens. Thus we turn to help from friends and family (who hopefully help us hold it up... though they sometimes drag it down instead), from psychologists and psychiatrists (who hopefully help us form mental muscles so that we don't have as much of a problem any more, by using both medicinal and theraputive means... though they sometimes do little more than convince us that we simply aren't capable of holding the stick at all and thus drive us even crazier than before), and most importantly (in my opinion, though most people completely ignore the need) from spiritual directors (who can show us that the burden isn't as difficult as we think it is because we never bear the burden alone).

So how does this play out to looking "bipolar"? First off, all people have depressive tendencies - they are not perfectly happy. Secondly, all people have hope that there is an answer for their depression out there - something that will fulfill their perfect happiness.

Normal people look for this happiness carrying around their stick - as they move towards it their stick gets a little wobbly, but it isn't that difficult for them to regain balance; if they find out what they sought isn't the answer they were looking for, they walk elsewhere and the stick continues to wobble.

Bipolars do the same thing, we walk around with our stick but wobbling is a lot more difficult to bear - as we move towards a possible source of happiness, we have difficulty keeping the stick up, then we start rushing around to try to maintain balance and thus make it harder for ourselves, until eventually the stick falls out of our hands - since we failed, we assume that whatever goal we were walking toward wasn't the path we were supposed to follow... do this enough and we eventually decide to despair, that there is no happiness possible, because if there was, we ought to have found it by now... but we never really followed through on anything because we always fell before we got there.

But there is a perfect happiness out there. Think about it - every natural human desire has something to fulfill it - if you are hungry, there is such a thing as food; if you are thirsty, there is such a thing as water; if you want to have sexual pleasure, there is such a thing as sexual intercourse; if you want to have companionship, there is such a thing as friends. We are starving for ultimate happiness, so why wouldn't there be such a thing? Could every other natural desire be answerable except this one? There is an answer.

But, I digress.

What I'm trying to say about bipolar disorder is simply based upon my own thought patterns - they always started with me thinking something, even something small. The smallest thought that gets into my head, once it's there, can be blown out of proportion, though. All it takes is thinking a seed thought like "I kinda feel bad about this" and days later the thing can spiral into "I feel awful. I'm a terrible person. No one would ever forgive me for doing such a horrible awful thing. My life is not worth living." On the other hand, the seed thought could be "It would be kinda nice to buy another car" and days later the thing can spiral into having a brand new Ferrari which you can't afford. The seed thought could be "I'd kinda like to meet someone new" and days later it can spiral into some reckless sex odyssey in Los Vegas. The end results are irrational, but the seed thoughts are our own thoughts. So, the first priority is watching our seed thoughts - they can spiral into tornados in our head. Once the tornado is well underway, it will be hard to stop, but if they get dismissed early, then perhaps the tornados could be avoided.

What about everything in between the seed and the tornado? Surely a great deal of temperence could help during the transition... How to form such temperence and sensability is a thought that I'll have to figure out at another time.

Anyway, I've said all I can for now. Still something that I need to formulate better, and hash out some more, but that can wait. In the meantime, I still have a life to live.

Incidently, while I know this viewpoint is not entirely consistent with the current medical views of psychiatry, I don't deny that the condition is medical in nature. However, I do think the way that it is defined currently in the DSM-IV is incorrect, that they have the entire condition turned on its head and that they aren't really considering the causes or the effects correctly, and that the way we behave as bipolars are the ultimately results of how we are told to live our lives in society, not simply the results of the illness. But what do I know - I'm just a sufferer, not a psychiatrist.

I'm at a loss for words. I'm not sure what to call it.

I'm 500 miles from home, and the only thing I can think of is her. Yet, it's not an infatuation, it isn't a lust. I go through every moment thinking how much better it would be if she were with me and I with her. It isn't just me being "clingy", either.

I don't know how to act any more... I have lost that too. Almost overnight, I jumped from the mindset that maybe I won't ever marry to feeling like I'm in over my head in a relationship that might last the rest of my life. I only know that I'm not alone in that feeling.

This feeling of happiness - I've experienced it once before - then for 2 1/2 hours, this time for weeks and hopefully a lifetime. That was just a taste - might this be the meal?

I don't know if we're going too fast or not fast enough... It feels like an already-but-not-yet situation. A tension in time between who we are and who we will be.

God, if this is your will for her and I, you are generous indeed... please make it real.

The cat is out of the bag.

Yes, I guess that, in public, we have been obvious enough that our friends have picked up on the fact that we are boyfriend/girlfriend now... So, we are pretty sure that the flood of questions are inevitable. But... I'm out of town (back in lovely Rockford, IL) so she gets to run with the bulls by herself!

Since I'll be out of town for the next couple of weeks, Heather and I spent most of the day together. We wandered around at the zoo for about 4 hours, then went back to my place with a couple of rented movies and a some Thai food to-go, drank a little bit of wine, and cuddled. Wonderful day.

Then, as I drove her home, she wanted to ask a couple of questions:
1) What is my stand on sex before marriage? Neither of us think we should (and, incidently, neither of us have done it, either). So, we are definitely on the same page, though we do still need a little better clarification of where the line is...
2) How tall am I? In other words, would I be comfortable if she wears heels? First of all - she's 3 inches shorter than I am; second - I wouldn't care if she were taller than me anyway. Geez, after her first question, I thought she was going to ask something serious...

You know, it never even occured to me that I could be the answer to someone else's prayers...

God, I love this girl...

Friday - we sat at Marinelli's until they kicked us out... and stood in the parking lot until 12:30.
Saturday - we went on our first date and stayed up until 3am.
Sunday - we went to pray together and talked until midnight.
Monday - we stayed in Alban's parking lot until 11:30.
Tuesday - we went to dinner and hung out in the street until 10:30.

Today - both of us are busy with other stuff
Tomorrow - both of us will be busy with other stuff
Whoa... hang on... Two days? Without seeing each other? Well, when I leave next Tuesday we'll have to handle it for 2 weeks, so think of it as practice.

Well, Friday we'll definitely see each other. I might even meet her parents... Saturday will be an all day event, but what we aren't sure yet. We've got some ideas to just hang out, but we'll see.

HB 1215, bans all abortion, including in cases of rape and incest, including cases that threaten the health of the mother; the only exception is if the mother’s survival itself is at risk, and even in those instances the doctor must “make reasonable medical efforts under the circumstances to preserve both the life of the mother and the life of her unborn child.” Doctors caught performing abortions would be charged with a Class 5 felony, punishable by up to five years in prison.

I have my doctor's appointment later this morning. When I told Heather about it last night she just said "Good, go see your doctor and get healthy. You know, I want to keep you for a while..."

It might be weird, but even though we just "started dating", both of us seem to already be living under the assumption that we will get married... although I honestly haven't a clue of 'when' that will happen, it just seems natural that there is not a question of 'if'.

Life is great.

In other words, the date went incredibly well. We both had a great time. We are amazingly in tune with each other and we repeatedly find ourselves on the same wavelength. We have definitely fallen in love.

Instead of our usual practice of hanging-out-in-the-parking-lot until 3am, we tried a hanging-out-in-my-nice-warm-car-parked-in-front-of-her-parent's-house until 3am routine. We talked a lot. It was nice.

I had to tell her about my priesthood quest and assured her that it is over. She told me about her previous fiancee and why she was really nervous about our date being on March 4... but I think we cleared away any bad feelings about that month and day. Thank God those issues are behind us. Now we move forward.

That title is all I want to write, because I don't know what to think right now.

Okay, so I guess I'll say that my thoughts are racing as fast as my heart right now. I don't know where this is going, and I'm not sure if I should slow down or speed up. I look forward to tomorrow night.

Me: Work is okay. Just getting things ready to hand-off to the other guy, who is driving out here tomorrow to take my place for the next week. I just can't wait to get out of here... Yesterday, my boss called me and asked "Do you want to stay in Belvidere for the extra weekend?" I wanted to laugh at him... I didn't though. I just told him "Umm. NO."

Her: Glad you didn't choose to stay in Belvidere or that you had to :) Probably a good thing you didn't laugh at him, either!

Me: Nope, staying in Belvidere wasn't an option; there is someone important back at home I really want to see again soon...

Her: Glad we are on the same wavelength - because there is someone important in Belvidere that the someone important in Detroit really wants to see again soon, too...

This might sound sappy, but I called her at about the time I thought she'd be going to bed, just to tell her to have a good night and to sleep well. I really can't wait to be home...

Driving home tomorrow. Gotta sleep...

When I woke up this morning, I looked across my empty hotel room, waved someone over, said "Come here" out loud, I held their hand, and smiled as I put my head back down. I know for a fact that I didn't see anyone in the room and I didn't even think I saw anyone.

I must be losing it.

The Detroit Symphony Orchestra is playing Beethoven's Fifth on Saturday. We are going.

Yeah, I finally asked her out.

I can't say for sure why I ever hesitated... I guess I had a few more things to work out in my head first, especially after I half-way freaked out on Monday. Perhaps not the best place to work out things that involve both another person and me, but it seemed necessary at the time. I still have to tell her about that, too; she'll need to know.

Those were the words of my co-worker: "You know you don't fit in around here."

It's actually the best compliment that I've gotten at work in a long time.

The point he was trying to make is probably better explained with his next couple of sentences (paraphrased here). "You are much too smart for the job you do. Not that your job doesn't need smart people, but you could be doing much bigger things. If you wanted, you could get a management position in a heartbeat." When someone else asked why I wasn't a manager then...

I just smiled, and said "His first premise is the important one. I haven't decided that I want that position yet."

I shouldn't let it go to my head, though. I am happy with all that I have and will find what I need next when the time is right.

The story of the rich young man (found in Matthew, Mark, and Luke in slightly differing tellings) has been for me, for almost a year, a calling. It has been for me a calling to change so that I may not end up like the weeping (but rich) young man of the story, who simply walks away from Christ after an invitation to follow him. It has been for me a calling to find a simpler life away from riches and worldly possessions. And for a time, it had been for me what I thought was a calling to the priesthood.

I found it a mild oddity that I randomly stumbled upon it in Luke's Gospel while in adoration yesterday. I found it a somewhat significant oddness that it was the Gospel of this morning's mass. But the strangest oddness came when Diane sent me an email this evening saying that she talked with a vocations director who would really like to meet me. That's 3 little pokes in less than 24 hours...

Why now? I'm pursuing other things (or, I should say, "someone") now! Well, yes, I did promise that I would still keep my mind open to the possibility of priesthood, specifically under the condition that a bishop or a vocations director took specific interest in me. I made that promise and intend to keep it. But what would happen if two clear paths openned up at the same time, one toward priesthood and one toward marriage... what would I choose? Would I have to choose? How can I choose between two "good"s? The road less travelled is not necessarily the best, though it would surely make all the difference henceforth.

But, like I said yesterday, this might be a decision that I might not be able to make alone. I have other people to consider now.

I've been implying it for a while, but I seriously need to change some things in my life. Basically, I need to learn to downgrade. I'm going to learn to live with a lot less materially in order to gain a lot more spiritually.

I had been thinking about learning to deal with less, by doing things like fasting and such, but now I'm forced to question those intents. Likewise I had thought about going back to school and getting a much lower paying job, maybe as a teacher, but now I think I'll have to step back and question that intent too.

I set up an appointment with a new doctor, just a general practioner. I'll ask for a referal to a allergist/asthma specialist, and maybe for a sleep specialist since I don't think I'm sleeping well at night. I know I do this because I'm forced to recognize that I can't just live for my own personal intents, as altrustic as they may be, but for others as well.

On the other hand, I'm not planning on going back to psychiatrist/psychologist. I know that at the time, my pdoc was what I needed, but right now I'm not so sure.

The part that bothers me is that I jump to all these conclusions without even knowing for sure that there is any mutual interest. But then again, all I've really decided was that I have to reconsider my life, not that I have already changed my mind on anything. Maybe I won't have to make up my mind by myself, though. :)

I've heard a lot of really good things about this show, but I really can't pull myself to watch it. I'm on the 4th episode, and I think it's actually pretty good, but... I guess that right now I'm just not interested in seeing a show about 80's high school life of a geeks and verge-of-dropout losers... So, it will be pulled off my queue... oh well.

Hotel Rwanda, on the other hand, is an amazing yet horrid movie. Amazing to see the courage of one man, but horrid to see the wickedness of so many others.

March of the Penguins was cute. Sad at times, seeing some of the penguin babies die, but still cute. Oddly romantic too. Gotta love penguins.

Steamboy was okay. They tried so hard to make the animation look spectacular (which it succeeds at doing) that it hurt the storytelling because of needless plot delays. But the mecha designs were pretty cool, besides the idea of the steam castle itself.

Ghost Stories (another anime) is funny. The original script looks horrid, but the American dub... it's hillarious. In particular, the evangelical Christian girl just cracks me up.

So why am I posting about movies right now? Don't I have more important things to talk about? Umm... probably, but no. Nevermind, I'll shut up now.

To quote Manica: Could it Be... that the only mood stabilizer I ever really needed was a good man?

Well, I think I can say this has been true for me. The good man in question was THE good man.

As I said in my reply:
So, the mood stabilizers can give you some breathing room - temporary sanity perhaps, but you have to use that time to work... to break bad instincts, to form good habits, to improve yourself, and to prepare for the next possible attack. And make sure you don't become your own enemy.
I would do well to follow this advice myself.

The question is, am I still crazy? I tell myself, surely more so than ever, but crazy for a purpose: love. Okay, as I go back to read that, it probably doesn't make any sense unless you see my entire viewpoint, but it makes sense to me. Maybe I'll explain later.