The Bipolar Otaku

You know what I forgot to talk about? Friday, I discovered that I have mulitple personality disorder. Well not in my head, but at at work. In my company, I have two unique identifiers and two sets of network logins and two email addresses and nothing works because they aren't sure which set is the "correct" one. I guess when I was a supplier they assigned a lot of that stuff to me, and when they hired me they assigned a whole new set, but accidently gave me and my boss the old information, so everything seems to be confused about which me I'm supposed to be. As long as they pay me, I don't really care.

Well, finished reading the main series of the Maxx... most of it is about how things that happen while we grow up affect us for the rest of our lives. Some of those characters revolved around abuse, others around parents deaths, and one about a box under the parent's bed??? dunno.... But of all the things that didn't make sense at all, I think the top was the three oranges. What the hell was that????? Maybe it was a way to branch into Friends of Maxx, but I haven't read those yet.

Spent a good portion of the day reading The Maxx... I've read about 16 issues so far today, I think, so I'm almost done.... There was much much more to the story after Julie left in the cartoon... She comes back and Maxx ends up leaving to go back to being Dave and then 10 years later Sarah ends up having to deal with her own outback with her own Maxx (a horse Norbert) and Mr. Gone turns into a guy and... then it goes a little wierd... ironically, yes, it gets wierder.

Played Shadowbane again this morning.... being a priest in the game is pretty unusual.... I just sat in town and casted "Summon" for people, which brings them from wherever they are in the game to spot that I am. And they paid me between 4k-10k each time I casted it! 28k gold in a few hours is better than any monster fighting run that I've been on... The downside is that it's extremely boring waiting for the spell to regen (takes about 5 minutes between casting) and it's really annoying for people to be sending me tells every two minutes asking for a summon. So I guess it's a lot like real jobs, if it pays well, there is a good chance its boring and annoying... But then again, I know people whose jobs pay poorly, are boring, and are annoying.... so nevermind...

wow.... the hand tremors are kind of getting a bit extreme... I'm holding a magazine and can't read it. Working with mice is kind of a problem sometimes... Luckily I don't write much either... my chicken scratch is bad enough without tremors.

It occured to me today, what am I going to do down in Ohio? I'll be holed up down there for 6 weeks (with one week in between...) I'll have to find a hotel with internet access for starters... I wonder if I should buy my own laptop too (don't want to polute the company one with essentials like codecs and movie players and games and stuff...); besides, the company's laptop doesn't have a DVD drive so movies aren't an option... what to do, what to do....

Something needs to be said about driving a stick shift... I can't stand it... it drives me crazy trying to drink a slurpee and talk on the phone while shifting and pressing the clutch, which itself makes it difficult to knee-steer.... I need a new car!

oh yeah, can't forget... It's been 12 days since I started, so 108 days until September 16... Sounds strange, but it's very important that I remain employed for that long. Considering some of the talk, I need to be a tiny bit worried...

no wonder why my page visits have dropped lately.... i'm no longer in google search. most disturbing....

Well, broke 500 visits this morning.... seems like I should be happy or something... I guess I know that most of those visits were probably me...

10pm and I'm still up. Might not sound like a big deal, but I have to work in 7 hours.... so it's kind of like being up at 1am for most people... hmmm, I used to be able to manage that... I must be getting old... Whatever it is, I'm tired and can't sleep...

I just realized how huge the manic shopping list was getting on the narrow side bar. So, I gave it a proper home below the blog entries. I'll have to work on making a new template all together... I like the colors (nice and mellow as always), but it needs more personality... And I need more sleep.

I'm going to copy Hinata_gurl and do some surveys....



What Anime Type Are You?
uh... maybe. probably, yeah...



What NERV Child Are You?
uh, yeah, I guess that's about right....



What Anime Stereotype Are You?
How'd I get this???



Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?
Hmm... not exactly what I was expecting...



What Forest Creature Are You?
Nope, wrong!

Read or Die finally came in... Cool OAV. I don't feel like write a review for it, since it's been available for a while. Check Anime Planet forums or AnimeNfo.

Oh yeah, new lithium dosage. 1200mg! woohoo... err... uhh... whatever.

It's amazing... the slurpee I'm drinking now is so cold that frost actually built up on the outside of the straw!

okay, forget about the $500 cell phone. Take a look at the $500 ear buds... holy crap....

Please notice, however, that neither are on my shopping list.

Can you believe that people would pay $500 for a cell phone from the Matrix Reloaded? [CNET review] Ouch... seems really really stupid to me...

I posted this message to the YouThink.Com forums, in response to the question "Would you ever listen to religious door to door salesmen?".

door to door religious people are fun, because they give you an excellent opportunity to try to unseat their faith, to come back at them and say "no, that's not what that means." and show them how the world really works and watch them quiver under the knowledge that you are right and they are wrong.

I'm not sure if I was joking or not.

Aww... look at the sugar baby... Sorry, reference to Missing Persons, witch I'm sure most of you haven't seen. Watching the trailer for it right now... It's still hysterical...

Well, another pdoc appointment tomorrow... I didn't have time to get a blood test today, though... which is fine since I forgot to bring my medicine dispenser with me today! Oops, forgot my morning lithium...

But what am I going to say tomorrow... The new job is good. Not as stressful as I was expecting. Was manic while driving to New York (dinner break in Canada) depressed in New York (wine tour) and manic again in New York (firestarter) but depressed while driving back (thoughts of bitterness). But I'm pretty sure I wasn't normal when I decided I wanted to buy a convertable... So I went high again yesterday, not really sure when that switch happened. I was probably still manic when I decided to write five blog entries in an hour time span (one of them got screwed up while publishing, and I can't remember what I said, so I didn't re-enter it).

I just remembered something wierd I said last week to one of my co-workers. We were talking about what we want to be "when we grow up". And I said, "You know, it's really wierd, but I'm actually glad I don't know." That memory was triggered while reading someone else's blog, and it seemed worth mentioning.

Actually, talking about that triggered another memory, of an AIM discussion with someone younger than me... I think I gave the advice, you shouldn't worry about what you'll be when you grow up; just don't grow up. It's easier that way. This is coming from me, the guy who worries about EVERYTHING....

I was listening to "Found Soul" again today. I can't find the lyrics online, but here's the general geist of the song. The singer starts as a soul, lost in the darkness, until she finds a light, which is Jesus. After that she becomes a found soul and a holy soldier with Jesus as her armor. Parallel I'm trying to draw: It's a clear description of my ascension from depressive atheist to manic religious. Now if I could only find a song that described the fall from mania to depression, also... sadly, most music that talks about religion don't highlight a fall from grace.

With me being so busy lately, I find myself regreting not taking time to talk to my friends... For some, it's been a few days since we've talked. For others, it's been a few months. This weekend, one of my friends, my old roommate in college and afterward, took the time to say, despite the fact that he and I have found ourselves in our own little islands of isolation, he still considers me one of his best friends. And of course, I still think the same thing. It is just so wierd talking with a friend for the first time in a long time; it's almost like I can't just call them up because it would be too awkward to just say hi. And there's been so much that happened since then that you don't know where to start. How do tell your friends that, "hey, life while I knew you was great, but didn't you know I was crazy then?" "Yeah, it's cool too hang around you again, but it really sucks because I can't drink; all I can do is watch you get drunk and laugh at you..." "Yeah, why don't we go out for a beer after work sometime; oh wait, I can't, nevermind..." I mean, that's not how I normally feel, but sometimes, when you see everyone else having a good time, you just want to make sure that you're part of that group... by drinking of course... I missed the wine tasting... I was there... but I wasn't... I couldn't be there... I... who? sigh...

wait, this wasn't the way this post was supposed to go. I'm supposed to just say, I'm glad to get to talk to my friends again. I'll have to make a point of taking the time in the future.

Well, went to the car dealership again. I had it in my head that I want to buy a convertable... Then I saw that the price tag was 5 grand more... Same price as a 300M, and I already decided that that car was out of my price target. So, I had to call my sister to talk me out of it.... I used the reasoning that it would cost more to insure, that it had a smaller trunk, and that it would be difficult to carry golf clubs. Wait, I rarely ever golf, why would I care about golf clubs? Anyway, I talked myself out of it. But they still don't have a fully loaded 4-door Sebring, which is what really should get... Maybe I should just order it from the factory... It's not like I'll be needing a car for most of July, anyway... I'll be down in Ohio with a pool car...

Okay, an 8 hour drive by myself is do-able, even after working a 10 hour day. The way there wasn't to bad, except for when I stopped for dinner at a Mr Sub at a service drive... I had a veggie sub (no mad cows, thank you very much!) and then while getting gas I bought a couple of snickers bars... then after getting on the expressway, I decided I wasn't ready to start driving yet, so I got off at the next exit and hunted for a 7-11... then, because I didn't find a 7-11 after about 6 miles, I turned around I decided I needed a Jamocha shake from Arby's, and 2 Cappucinos from a "Coffee Pub" (a pretty poor cappucino, also... they had to use one of those auto-frothing thingies, which really suck)... Then I got back on the road, refreshed... and realized that I'm running manic... I also displayed that mania while helping to light the fire on Saturday night (I must say, although lighting fires is fun, diesel fuel should probably not be given to a manic who is intent on lighting a fire!)

The way back wasn't too bad either... I got a little drowsy a couple of times, but I had a plate full of brownies and an MP3 player to keep me company. Coming across the bridge to Port Huron was a pain in the a-- though... almost a two hour wait, and I was probably one of the quicker ones...

But the problem wasn't the drive... it was being by myself. It's like pure thinking time... On the way there I had people to talk to from time to time... friends who were on their way already who I was getting directions from, friends and family at home who called to check up on me (and almost got me in trouble with the border guard, too). But the way back, I couldn't get a hold of anyone... So I started thinking about... stuff. Actually, I was thinking that I want to do the mask talk again at next year's SAFE retreat. What would I talk about though... One version of the speech that ran through my head was about how bitter I am about everything. I think this was somehow a reaction to one of my friends telling me that I never get stressed out (I'll cover that conversation later), or to me feelings while we were on the wine tour, and I couldn't taste the wines at the new winery. But that thinking just got me depressed... I wanted to lash out somehow, and had nothing but the gas pedal to do it with. So then I started other versions of the speech, which would basically apologize for lying last time.... Those were more like "me", somehow... Music accompaniement will be "Found Soul" by Nickel Creek. I'll have to talk about it later. I have to go to sleep.... probably shouldn't have bought the 40 oz Slurpee...

Okay, I'm packed and showered. Now I gotta sleep. g'night! To those of you who read this and haven't gotten to talk to me in a while, I'm really sorry... I really wish I could stop for a bit and talk, but there's so much going on with the new job... such a radical change in busy-ness... my thoughts aren't spinning, but my head is...

ack! what have I been doing for the past hour! I've gotta pack, stupid!

I was car shopping afterwork today... I went to another dealership to ask if they had a fully loaded LXi... and they didn't. But at the same time, I started wondering if I was in another manic phase with my car shopping.... good thing those Crossfires aren't out!

Whoa... almost forgot that it's Thursday already. That means that tomorrow I'm supposed to be driving to New York for the Memorial Day weekend... Cleared it with the boss, just in case he had any ideas about sending to work anyway. But an 8 hour drive in the Neon might just drive me crazy... And there's no way I'll be able to get a new car tomorrow... Well, hopefully I can still catch a ride with my friends, but they were talking about leaving early tomorrow. Well, the weekend will be worth the drive, either way... I might not get a weekend off for a while...

It almost seems like I should have more to talk about. Maybe since I've got the new job to focus on, my mind hasn't been running in the wierd little loops that it usually does. No, now I'm just trying to keep a good amount of sleep and still make it to work on time (at 5am, ugg) but at least it means I can get out early (yay!)

But a greater satisfaction comes from knowing that the eye of the fishbowl is no longer upon me.

Went car shopping today. Fun stuff! One of my coworkers talked me into looking at a PT Cruiser, GT Edition. So I'm looking at either that or a decked-out Sebring LXi. The GT has a 215 hp Turbo I-4; the LXi has a 200 hp V-6. The smaller car has more ponies! Gotta find out what insurance payments are going to look like...

I've had some of the most amazingly unusual dreams in the past few days. It's like, the dream would make a great TV show. Except I can't remember what the dreams were. Damn....

I really wish I had time to write more, but I've gotta be at work at 5 tomorrow. I'm just going to eat and go to sleep. But, I can say I finally am finished with my The Maxx collection, and I just got the DVD for Missing Persons, though I don't have time to watch it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Time for another day of work. Had a really wierd dream last night, wish I had to describe it. Kind of like a series of plays in church, but with no explanation to the moral of any of the skits, unless you already know the reference piece which they were re-enacting. Bizarre stuff...

Well, made it through my first day at the new job. The normal workday starts at 7am and worked to 5:45pm, with a 45 minute lunch, so it's 8 hours plus 2 overtime. My lunch consisted of a bag of chips and a 6oz yogurt that I finished in like 3 spoonfuls. Anyway, besides meetings and orientation and going through forms and listening to arguements about who's providing what on the project, I did manage to work for a bit. So far, I like the job. Of course, it's really too short a time to say that, but still, I'm happy. Just remember to bring a water bottle. I was parched being out on the floor all afternoon. Also remember, no more slacks. Jeans are the norm.

But it was funny... I had to go to the security office to fill out the forms for a badge. They were packed with interns! I just looked at them, in their picture-perfect little interview outfits and thought "If they dress like this every day, no guy around will be able to work." Foolish youngsters, who think they will make something of themselves... I feel sorry for them...

Oh, yeah, another thing. HR said they are going to handle the paperwork so that I can buy a new car at company discounts as soon as possible... So I gotta start looking at those Stratuses or Sebrings...

Oh, and the really big news... I do have this weekend off, so I can still go Memorial Day. But, I'm going to be down in Ohio from mid-June to mid-July... So much for the Fourth of July camping plans.... And I get to celebrate my birthday down in Ohio.... woo-hoo [sarcasm].

I wonder if I'll have some way of accessing my blog while I'm down there, too...

Anyway, gotta be up for a 7 o'clock meeting tomorrow. First day of work. And also the first work day of not being able to blog in a long time! Bummer...

Went to the wake earlier today. I made it in time to talk to the family before the prayer service started. Also got reacquainted with a lot of the people who were adult facilitators when I was still in high school, people I haven't seen for almost 9 years. One asked me where I've been, if I had been under a rock or something, and I told him, yes I have. But during the prayer service, my thoughts kept jumping around. I was thinking (roughly, as I recall): What exactly do I believe in? Remember that time in high school I thought that becoming a priest might be an option? Aren't I glad that I dropped that thought pretty quickly? That was a funny movie yesterday. Why are my thoughts jumping around? Shouldn't I be listening to the priest? This is a really hard time for the family. Were people this dressed up at dad's wake? I feel underdressed. I wish there was more I could do for the family. Oh, time to start singing. My voice sounds horrible. The woman next to me has a nice voice. Did I make the sign of the cross in the wrong direction? Why didn't that feel right? Why are my thoughts wandering so much.

While I was in church this morning, I kept thinking about a few things... That I had my first communion in 3rd grade, and I think I was happy that day. That I can drink the wine there (although it isn't exactly an appealing tasting wine, either; tasted like a Lambrusco or a super-sweetened Zinfandel). That I hate the music they choose for mass. That I pay too little attention to the homily. That I don't remember what the readings for today said. That the priest says "I profess" but does not speak with the rest of the congregation in saying "that I sin by my own faults". That it always seems like a waste of time. So why do I go? I'm not sure...

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra

That bastard hit the nail on the head.

I have to start work tomorrow at 7am... ouch, that'll hurt. have to go to sleep early tonight, and none of this stay-on-my-computer-until-I'm-drowsy, stuff... I tried to wake up at 7 this morning, sleeping at 11pm last night, and it didn't work too well. I basically slept an extra 30 minutes and am still sleepy (my eyes are closed as I type this). So, I missed 8am mass... will have to go to 10am instead. No big deal, I guess; at least not today.

Barbeque at a friends house. Watched 40 Days and 40 Nights. It reminded me of seemingly divinely inspired lenten vows of recent history... Ouch. At least I wasn't like that guy. Actually I kind of wish I had his problem rather than mine...

I think I talked about it before, but it's on my mind again. So anyway, last lent (in case you didn't know) I gave up using credit cards (or PayPal-type services), gave up eating meat (all meat, except seafood), and promised myself to change my life around. I kind of did that I guess. I didn't use credit cards (and probably worried the crap out of my banks). I only ate meat twice. And as for changing my life around... well, I started seeing a psychiatrist (still am). I started talking about all of my problems (still do). I interviewed for a new job (the one that I'm starting on Monday). I tried to make new friends (results have varied). I tried to find my faith (still working on that). I started writing this blog to talk about my difficulties (obviously still do). I tried to feel less needy (pretty much still true). I stopped drinking (still don't, but sometimes really want to). I guess it's a start. Of course as soon as I could use my credit card and PayPal again, I almost immediately started a spending spree. At least eating meat has changed a lot of my taste in food; I can eat meat, but usually prefer not doing so. But was it all worth the sacrifice during lent? I guess so. I don't know.... It's just that.... um... hmmm..... maybe it's just that I'm depressed at the moment? Some sort of separation anxiety perhaps? Or maybe disappointment about how some recent situations turned out to be not too interesting? Whatever it is, I have to let it go. One more day of unemployment! I should be exctied! Maybe I just need to sleep.

I brought my camera to the event... but I didn't pull it out. For some reason I had no ambition to take pictures. Maybe I didn't want to still be remembered as "the guy with the camera" or maybe I thought the camera would be too goofy/bulky to carry around (especially with the monopod). I don't know...

Heading up to the fraternity house today, for an alumni event. Heh... last time I was up there in February, it was for a pledge party and a whole bunch of my guys around my year went. I almost hooked up with a girl from Battle Creek that night. I could have... she seemed willing... we ended up sitting outside, smoking some menthols, on a bench in a remote part of the bench, but we just ended up talking.... but I wasn't in the mood to pull a one-night stand, and I wasn't interested in a long term relationship with her either. She was nice, but... what was it?... I guess I didn't feel comfortable sitting with her. Anyway, I think most of the guys assumed that I hooked up that night. Later we ended up going in side and she feel asleep on the couch (using me as a foot pillow, not surprisingly; I seem to make a great foot pillow, even as far back as Rainbow 12). I tried falling asleep there, but eventually some of her friends decided I shouldn't be around her so they pulled me off. So I getting up, drinking some more wine, and passing out on a couch in the main room.

You must check out this scene from the Matrix. No spoilers, of course.

The Matrix Reloaded was awesome. Except for being forced to see Keanu's butt crack. I didn't care for that part. The rest I'll watch again.

I'm at home. Laptop, cell, pager are next to my boss's desk. Email and network accountts will be turned off at 5. Exit interview went okay. Basically told them what I felt and pointed out the problems that I saw.

Went to lunch with one of the girls in HR (the other one couldn't make it because she'll be on vacation next week. Was nice to talk to her; she also lives with her parents and was asking how I could handle it... I told her I just make sure I spend as much time out of the house as possible. She paid for lunch (though I didn't want to let her). So I told her that I'd have to pay her back with dinner (she probably thought I was kidding). On the way back she was talking about how she needs chocolate after lunch, so I at least bought her a dark chocolate Kit-Kat... Overall, I guess it went okay, but it was nothing serious... more or less what I was expecting.

And then after the exit interview I wandered around on my way out. Stopped in and said bye to a lot of people. A little bit depressing, I guess. Hard to be excited when you're saying goodbye to people you've worked with for 7 years. Anyway. So here I am, back at home. Just bought tickets to see the Matrix Reloaded. It should be cool.

Ah... almost noon... I'll spend the afternoon in my exit interview and stuff. This will be my last blog from my office. Have to turn in my computer and cell phone and pager. I'm uninstalling my personal programs from this laptop, and deleting files, and clearing my history and my cookies and everything else... I'm probably one of the few people who consider my computer as an important part of cleaning up. Anyway, I'll be home this evening and I'll blog from there. Bye bye office!

Hey, added another provider on the right column: BlogHop ratings. So, if you actually do read this, please rate me!

Watching the first episode of Texhnolyze. Of course, it's licensed by Pioneer already, but still, I'm watching a fansub. There's no way I would have been this a huge fan of Haibane Renmei if I had to wait for the R2 DVD release. Anyway, this is the latest anime with character concepts by Yoshitoshi Abe, and it's been a while since I actually watched something I downloaded!

Anyway... Whoa! The first few minutes look pretty intense... Might call for a discussion thread on APN! You should have seen my Haibane Renmei thread! Now THAT was an obsession! Hmm... Started it on November 19, 2002... definitely mania driven...

AnimeNFO page on Texhnolyze
APN Review for Texhnolyze
APN discussion about the NewType article on it
Rondo Robe's TEXHNOLYZE official site

hmm... never really finished my thoughts about this therapy session today. I mentioned to her about the hand tremor... I guess it wasn't significant enough to be concerned about... I asked her if deja vu was in any way meaningful, and she said it probably wasn't something to worry about. And I mentioned some of the things I was doing for church. She asked me how all my church things were going... and I told her about how I charted out my manias and my depressions and how each major episode significantly alterd my perceptions of God... Of course, as was previously discussed in the about.com forum, it isn't a surprising thing, as many bipolars often find a religous calling during manias. She said during my next normal period, I'll have to decide what I want to believe in. Yeah, I figured as much. Right now, I think I would choose to believe in God.

But I can't believe the insurrance company! My Seroquel dosage requires 2x25mg and 1x100mg tablets. Walgreens had to charge me $20 copays on each dose tablet. $40 for a single prescription! grrr...

Oh yeah, almost forgot that the wife of a guy I know at church (also the mother of one of my friends from high school) passed away this morning. My brother told me about the viewing on Sunday. Can't forget about that.

Oh, yeah, time to update my med cocktail... Higher dose of lithium! However, it is nice to know that the doctor and I both agreed that I might be a stable "normal" right now, and, even though I'm really really really happy right now, it's just because I'm changing jobs. Even my guitar purchase seemed reasonable when I talked about it.

Someone hit my website from a google search, looking for a "3245 Automatic Monopod review". Well, I just got it, and here are my first impressions. It's a Bogen 3245/Manfrotto 334B. The monopod seems sturdy, rated for 8kg or 17.6lb. They call it automatic, but really it's semi-automatic. It's a three piece monopod. The bottom piece is a twist-lock and only the top piece is trigger locked. The trigger isn't flimsy either, it probably requires a good 10-15lb squeeze. It's about 2' long when tucked away, and about 5'6" at full length (Note: I'm too lazy to get a measuring tape). The auto-adjust is only about 1'4". For me that's enough that I can just use the auto-adjust while sitting in a chair. It's a bit bulky for a monopod, I think, but on the other hand, the grip is big enough to actually grip comfortably, unlike some other monopods I've seen. Of course it has a little hand loop.

The top screw is a wierd 1/4"-3/8" combo screw that I don't like very much. Luckily I bought quick release head for it, the Bogen 3229/Manfrotto 234RC. Sure, that adds to the bulkiness and adds 3" to the height, but having a quick release is very nice. It also allows a 180 degree tilt with a thumbscrew lock. The quick release plate from this one will fit on the quick release on my tripod, which is a Bogen 3030. However the plate from my tripod won't fit this one, because the sides are cut on the 3229 plate. I'll just use the 3229 plate, then.

So, there it is! Too bad that guy will probably never click on my blog again.

Ooh! fun! Exit Interview forms!!!!! Hmmm... how do you spell Dave-bonics?

Time to put together that analysis to justify my replacement... *groan*

But, on the bright side, I'm still having lunch with one of the girls in HR tomorrow! *grin*

Well, two more days of "work". Starting Monday, my blogging is going to decrease significantly, as I will no longer have internet access on the job. I doubt I'll even have that much time to write on my PDA. Probably, I'll be reduced to jotting down notes to write about when I have a chance. I'll miss that part of my current job, having so much free time.

And I'll miss getting the email warnings from one of our secretaries (like the now infamous "The toaster is broken" email and the semiannual "Daylight Savings Time" reminders). Oh, but I won't miss getting those! One of my coworkers has already promised that he will make sure I get those reminders forwarded to me at my new job! CTMDL!

Oh, yeah! I went out with the guys from work today, as kind of my going away party. Drank Coke while the rest of them drank beer... Wired now... reallly wired...

As for me not drinking, I gave them my standard excuse that I'm allergic to alcohol. It's completely honest, too... I told them about the allergic attack I had at Christmas at my cousin's house, and that's enough to satisfy people. But I sooooo wanted a Bass Ale... mmm... beer....

And as my coworkers were talking, I just sat there thinking, some of their kids are turning 16 this year... holy geez...

Just got my big heavy box of The Maxx comic books! The only thing I'm still waiting for is Friends of Maxx Issue #1...

Okay, I'll let my blog fall prey to media hype for this post: The Matrix. No, I haven't bought my tickets to the Matrix Reloaded. No, I don't know the exact minute that the Matrix Revolutions is going to be first played. No, I haven't pre-ordered my copies of Enter the Matrix (the game) or The Animatrix (the anime DVD). But I have to talk about Matrix Online. Oh, yes, a MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role playing game) based in the city of the Matrix. It looks sweet. Guns and martial arts... streets and rooftops... and other online players to fight! Of course it also has software costs and online fees and that kind of crap... but who cares! It's the Matrix! It'll be out sometime in 2004.

While using this blog to write about random thoughts, I always figured that some one or another would eventually see my blog in their referring logs and see what kind of stupid thing I wrote about them and they'd get all pissed of, like stop talking crap about us, or something.

Well, I got an email today, from a guy named Dan O'Donnell (I was thinking... that name sounds familiar... did I finally piss someone off?) It turns out that some people actually read enough of my blog to find one of my April 27 entries in which I talk about WFAC and the movies "Officer Down" and "Missing Persons" written and animated by Dan and Matt O'Donnell and they actually followed the link to Cicada Interactive and this refering link showed up on Cicada's logs, so Dan actually read my blog entry and sent me an email to thank me for the reference! I'm not sure if it's supposed to be public knowledge or not, but it sounds like they have a DVD burner so they can make small quantities of DVDs and they'll be sending me one. The only catch is that I have to donate enough to Harvard University to change a building to the "Dan O'Donnell Dormatory" or something, to make it look like he graduated there. umm... I'll see what I can do...

Chong (from Cheech and Chong) is facing drug charges. [BBC] Exactly how is this news?

I'm watching Rejected again... It's frigging hysterical! There are still a lot of sites hosting it. Download it immediately! [Google search] I am a consumer whore! (And how!)

It's past midnight... I can't sleep. I know I took my meds, but still I can't sleep. So I'm going to write about something...

There seems to be a growing push for Google to change their search engine so that blogs don't show up as hits [SlashDot]. I say directly, to the people who suggest this idea, to go screw themselves.

For one thing, sometimes blogs actually do document, concisely, everything that someone wants to know about a particular topic. Like the Oreo thing. Or the iLoo. I mean, how many blogs do you think push that into peoples attention with a mere 5-10 words and provide just enough information for the reader to say "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of" and continue on with their work day, instead of going to some news website, get hassled by all of their advertisements and popup (no I do NOT want you as my homepage thank you very much) and then have 5 paragraphs of boring reporter garbage to explain the rationale (or lack thereof).

Besides, I also like the random traffic. The search hits are funny. My only problem is I don't mention a lot of words that would make good search fodder. Like "X-Men 2 Nude!" or "What the hell is vappu and why was it the 9th top gaining search for last week" or maybe "High school powder puff team kegger actual video!"? nope... I gets searches like "Crucifixes for Sale"... and that guy that searched for "Seroquel" and found my webpage 700 hits down the list.... you know, disabling blogs from that search would have trimmed it down to 650... which really would have saved that guy's time, I think! *end sarcasm*

So... as I was saying, keep my damn blog in google search!

Ding! The Elven Priest is now lvl 25! And that means... well, it doesn't mean a whole lot at all... heh...

Added another online comic, Sinfest. Today's comic just happens to exactly fit how I feel when I'm in the middle of an online shopping spree....

Hmm... it's kind of wierd... this is only my third post all day, and I can't think of a single thing to talk about... I'm used to having so much to talk about that it's really hard to keep track of all of it! But right now...

I mean, I still feel positive... I still think there's a lot of things that I want to do... I mean I have this guitar that I want to learn to play, I want to practice more drawing, I still haven't taken a single picture for that America 24/7 thing, I still want to learn Japanese and German, I still want to play Shadowbane... but I just don't feel the need to do all of it at once!

YAY! My guitar arrived! I just spent the last 30 minutes or so trying to tune it (god I hope it's right) and I'm practicing my E-minor now!

Much to my dismay, Microsoft's iLoo (the internet portajon) has been revealed to be a hoax! What am I going to do while on the crapper now? *sarcasm*

Heh... damn... you remember those "The Maxx" comic books I spent so much time and money trying to collect... well some of them are starting to arrive, which is awesome. But also, I read Sam Kieth's webpage today. They announced that finally (10 years later) they are going to make "collected editions" of them! So they'll have a number of books (I'm guessing 6) and the first one (THE MAXX BOOK ONE TP) will be a consolidated version of the first 6 comic books for $17.95 in stored on August 6. I wonder if I'm going to feel the need to buy the collected editions after I've gotten all of the original ones...

Cooked dinner tonight... I really miss cooking sometimes... Although I did for some reason think that the meat my mom left out was steak (she said it was steak, it was a pork cutlet). In any case, I spent some time talking with my sister, which I haven't done in a while. She asked how long I was going to be on lithium (I told her forever) so she started asking more questions. Like where it comes from (it's genetic) if she has it too (maybe, maybe not; only a 3% chance)... So I started describing the manic phase and depression phases and since they sound familiar to her, I pulled out a book and went through one of the do-it-yourself check lists... She might be in control of things, she might not. But it's really not for me to say. All I know is that I wasn't in control, so I got help... And why did it start third grade? I think I talked about that before. I'm not sure... Just checked, I haven't.... I'll do it later. Anyway. I told her about my blog too. Set up the link on her computer so that she can access it whenever she wants. Just remember that I write what I think to help myself gather my thoughts, ignoring the fact that people actually read it. So... anyway... that's about it for now... Oh yeah, she asked me not to move out. I think being alone with mom would drive her insane also... go figure...

What a ripoff... went to Sprint today because I noticed they are offering $100 rebates on some of their nicer phones. But the problem is, it's only for new users, so since I already have an account they will only give me $35 off... I can't wait until the FCC's Phone Number Portability Mandate takes effect, supposedly this November. Because I use it as my personal home phone, I have so many things tied to my current cell phone number, like credit cards, bank accounts, jobs, resumes, prescriptions, etc. and it would just be a pain in the a-- to change it. So far it looks like only Verizon Wireless is in compliance [news.com], but until Sprint does something I'm screwed, either with their mediocre phone signal (to be kind) or with the hassle of changing all my accounts.

I guess waiting is okay though... I really want a 3G phone and since the U.S. networks aren't equiped for it, I'll be stuck with mediocre-at-best data rates... Unless of course 802.11 access points become a lot more prevalent in the near future. And 802.16 is supposed to get a 20 mile range when that comes out, too, but who I'm not really sure if that's going to be a consumer priced or big-business/ISP priced service. And there's always Teledesic's Internet-in-the-Sky which, as far as I can tell, is on hold, even though they are supposed to be starting their service of low-earth-orbit satellites in 2005.

Anyway, I guess I'm just going to wait a few more months and deal with the dropped calls like I always do: redial.

Maybe I'm not quite stable yet... I'm home right now... I've noticed that my moods are still trying to swing quite rapidly... I'm calm right now, but for a second there I just wanted to be depressed for no particular reason, then I was calm again. I was going to call my friend (I just left her place and assured her I wasn't pissed off at my mom anymore) and was going to say that I lied, but then I realized, no I didn't I'm not pissed about anything everything is cool, it is out of my system at the moment, and nothing has triggered it to come back... am I shifting that fast? or am I just imagining everything? What if I'm really not a manic depressive? Considering everything, I don't think that can be true... but still, sometimes...

I read an article in the Detroit Free Press today. It was saying that college students graduate with an average of $2,327 in credit debt. It also said 1 in 5 had credit debts between $3,000-$7,000. I had over $12,000... I wonder percentile that places me at.

I think I'm starting to stabilize... well, at the very least my thoughts aren't racing anymore. It is kind of unfortunate, because I can't think of anything to write about! It's not like I don't have time to post something, I just can't find anything interest to talk about or that would be worth posting....

kind of sucks, really... I liked being hyper... I liked thinking that I can do anything I decided to do...

now, I'm just... me. I mean, that's a good thing, I guess. But it doesn't feel like a great thing, like it is when I'm manic... I'm just me.

I kind of wish I actually had some sort of real talent. Like if I could actually draw half-decently or play an instrument well or make cool computer graphics or sing with a steady tone or or write poetry or fiction or something... I mean, sure, I can draw but not well, play a bunch of instruments but haven't touched them in years (besides carrying around an trombone is a bit inconvenient), make computer graphics but it'll take me forever and look like crap, when I sing though my voice sometimes cracks and is usually slilghtly off key, and my writing shines with creativity comparible to that of a tree sloth (no offense to tree sloths!)... Well, I guess I have my camera but I'm not really that good of a photographer (especially because I prefer unprepared candids as opposed to actually framing and setting up a shot)... What else do I have? No sports... I suck at pool (unless I'm drunk in which case I don't care how bad I am at the game)... I'm horrible at darts (unless I'm trying to lose, in which case I'm okay)... my golf game is a joke... I'm not even really good at video games...

Well, I guess I am good at analyzing things to death (see above example as proof)... I'll leave it at that.

Oh, yeah. I added some Anime information links this morning, on the right side column. The Interactive Anime OST is good if you want to listen to some anime songs through ShoutCast. It lets you pick what songs will be played on the channel.

It's Monday, 7:55 am... 5 more days of work. Having trouble caring right now... I'm just kind of here right now... But it kind of feels like I'm not here at all... Maybe I'm just not quite awake yet. I hope that's all it is.

My brother bought a card for me to give to my mom for mother's day. Cover said "This year I bought you the best present ever"; inside said "But I lost it in my room". It was funny, so I signed it and gave it. But it still angers me that I'm angry.

3 years ago, I moved out of the house. I told myself and my friends "$500 per month is a small price to pay for sanity." Although that's true, I don't think that's the best answer. I don't know what the best answer is, but it has got to be something else. How can I resolve the situation? I find her impossible to communicate with. Partly because she always denies doing anything wrong and also because she never alters her behavior.

Ah well... drugs are making me tired. I sleep now.

I ate a whole bunch of tomatoes today. Tiny little baby cherry tomatoes, the kind that are very pulpy... it was kind of like a grape, except not quite as sweet, but still really sweet for a tomato. And remember how I always say that I'm allergic to just about every kind of fruit? Well, the tomato is not an exception. It just takes longer. Now I've got a massive sinus headache.

About a week ago, my sister asked us to each write a letter to mom. I haven't done one yet. I don't know what to write. I'm still deeply upset with her, still trying to avoid her so that I don't lash out like I really want to. So what should I write? Anything that I would write would be empty and meaningless, or the sappiest bunch of B.S. that the world has ever seen. I can't write anything, because I think it's going to sound as bitter as I actually am.

It's really tough to avoid her, since I live in her house. I thought about moving out last week. Almost wanted to go apartment shopping. Thought about calling one of my friends who has a house in Royal Oak. I didn't. The new job will have me out all of the time, anyway, so what would it matter if I did live there?

But what is it that I'm mad at mom for? Just for constantly reminding me I don't have a girlfriend? For telling me to clean my room? For treating me like a child? For not being able to handle her own finances and having to always borrow from me and everyone else? For not being able to clean her own house? For not being able to understand me? For having some genetic predisposition to having allergies, asthma, bipolar disorder, cancer, baldness, obesity, and every thing else that's wrong with my mind and body? Probably all of those things.

Sure, it's not fair of me to blame her for all of that. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't openly blame her that really is bothering me. I don't know. I just want to not have to think about it, to not have to face it. I just want to run from it, ignore it. It'll go away, won't it?

But these are my feelings that I'm talking about... There's no running from those... There's no ignoring them. But I still hate them... I hate those feelings. I hate them. I don't want them. Why won't the go away? Why won't they stop? Why can't I stop?

I'm tired. I hate being mad. I hate being angry. I hate hating. It's not my style. My style is... to turn away and ignore it... damn, we already know that won't work... Maybe I just need a shower or something. I'll try starting with that.

Well, slept in today. Just woke up. 4 hours late on my lithium, not good... Oh well.

wtf is going on? I lost 80% of my template code... good thing I pasted it into a text file earlier today!

3:40am... I've been having trouble sleeping all night. don't know what's up. hard to keep eyes open to type this, probably just dry from contacts. mouth and throat are dry, no big deal. i kept wanting to get up and do something, so here I am. not really tired, but I know that I could sleep for a good 10 hours... I took my pills, didn't I? geez, its hard to remember right now... I should buy one of those pill thingies. it's getting harder to keep track now... 5 pills each day... think I took my lithium at 9:30 (two hours late) and the seroquel at 11. hmm... did I take that seroquel? sh-t I'm not really sure... I'll take it now, just in case.

Ah... FLCL [U.S. distro by Synch-Point] is still more insane than I am. That's reassuring!

I've been having a lot of headaches lately. Can't really tell if they are sinus headaches or not. They could be, it's the right season. But all in all, I feel like banging my head against a wall... They started around last Wednesday or Thursday, so they could very well be lithium related for all I know. I should probably call my pdoc on Monday.

Dammit, my archives seem to be missing! What to do...

Well, I'm trying to add a link to an archive overview page, but it doesn't seem to be updating my template at the moment. I think I'll just leave the template and archives alone for a few days and see if it self-heals again.

My template somehow self destructed, so I've spent the last hour or so getting a new one up and running with the same old cool stuff. *whew*

I was thinking of moving over to this anyway. When my template box was cleared, I guess I found sufficient motivation to do it. I took out my chibi because it took so much width, but I still link to it. Anyway, hope everyone likes it. Still a nice mellow blue....

What else is there... umm.... oh, yeah, loaned my mom another $500 to pay her bills... she gave me a check for it, but of course I'll never cash it. I mean, I already have $2k worth of checks from her that I know I can't cash, what difference is this one? I can't believe that she used to take care of my parent's bills and budget. I guess thet must have made just enough that he could keep backfilling the checking account. But they weren't very good with keeping up on bills though. It's funny to think, though, that my salary right now is more than my dad's when he died. Well, then again, he used to make more before the last layoff, but the union helped him get another job making $30k/yr less, which I guess is better than nothing. Anyway, my mind seems to want to casually wander around right now. I guess that's better than jumping all over the place like it normally does... wonder if the lithium is starting to take some effect.