The Bipolar Otaku
The Random Musings of Dreistul - Slurpees, Fuzzy Bunnies, Anime, and Lithium...Monday, June 30, 2003
Interesting... still swinging up and down like crazy... I'm guessing that the truth is that I'm depressed and trying to mask it by being excited, by shopping, by wanting to do stuff. I think the only thing I want to do is prove to myself that I can make it alone. But that's pretty ridiculous since I don't want to make it be alone. I'm trying my best to hide the fact that I'm down. And I was actually doing a pretty good job until I caught on to that little deception... now it's all down.
Tonight I drove around aimlessly trying to pick a place to eat dinner. I stopped at three restaurants that I thought had potential. I went into two of them. I walked back out because I decided that wasn't the kind of restaurant I wanted to go to dinner at. No. I decided that it wasn't the kind of restaurant that I wanted to go to dinner at alone. You chicken s---, I thought to myself as I continued to drive around. As I said earlier tongiht, I kind of like working on nights now, because at least that way I don't need to go out to dinner alone. I called a friend while driving. He told me about some noise cancelling earbuds he bought (I just ordered also, I've been looking to get some) and also about a classmate who might be looking to dump a laptop for cheap. I was fine during the conversation, even though I was beating myself up inside. After driving around for a while, I went back to my hotel. I told myself I wasn't hungry.
Then I started watching a movie (Finding Nemo, of course) and went on with AIM. Had two conversations. One was depresssing, the other was ordinary. Meanwhile I ordered a pizza; this way I wouldn't be eating dinner alone. Kinda. I was still depressed.
Warped, I tell you... the way my mind works is just plainly and simply warped. Sorry, everyone.
That being said, I'm going to finish my movie.
Tonight I drove around aimlessly trying to pick a place to eat dinner. I stopped at three restaurants that I thought had potential. I went into two of them. I walked back out because I decided that wasn't the kind of restaurant I wanted to go to dinner at. No. I decided that it wasn't the kind of restaurant that I wanted to go to dinner at alone. You chicken s---, I thought to myself as I continued to drive around. As I said earlier tongiht, I kind of like working on nights now, because at least that way I don't need to go out to dinner alone. I called a friend while driving. He told me about some noise cancelling earbuds he bought (I just ordered also, I've been looking to get some) and also about a classmate who might be looking to dump a laptop for cheap. I was fine during the conversation, even though I was beating myself up inside. After driving around for a while, I went back to my hotel. I told myself I wasn't hungry.
Then I started watching a movie (Finding Nemo, of course) and went on with AIM. Had two conversations. One was depresssing, the other was ordinary. Meanwhile I ordered a pizza; this way I wouldn't be eating dinner alone. Kinda. I was still depressed.
Warped, I tell you... the way my mind works is just plainly and simply warped. Sorry, everyone.
That being said, I'm going to finish my movie.
Okay, bring up another emotion entirely... I remembered a thing I meant to blog last week. Very few people will find the humor in this, I know, but I still have to talk about it.
When I drove through Cleveland last week, in the theatre district, there were some banners hanging from the lamp posts, saying the name of a fraternity. Not mine, another one that was also at my school, but I won't say their name either. But I will say that I felt like parking, getting out of the car, and asking random people "Do the lions still roar in the halls of Nebuchadnezzar?" Maybe it's meaningless, maybe it's not. But the thought of doing that made me laugh...
I guess I'm not very funny for a clown fish...
When I drove through Cleveland last week, in the theatre district, there were some banners hanging from the lamp posts, saying the name of a fraternity. Not mine, another one that was also at my school, but I won't say their name either. But I will say that I felt like parking, getting out of the car, and asking random people "Do the lions still roar in the halls of Nebuchadnezzar?" Maybe it's meaningless, maybe it's not. But the thought of doing that made me laugh...
I guess I'm not very funny for a clown fish...
this why I make a sh-tty friend... I was talking with someone tonight. And I knew she had something on her mind... I wanted to ask her about it, but before I could even ask, she started asking about me, how I was doing, how lonely I was. And the more I thought about myself, the more I just wallowed in my self-pity... and she tried to cheer me up, but even that didn't work. I couldn't pull myself together enough to even ask her how she was. Great... and the worse part is that through all her attempts to cheer me up, I couldn't do it. I couldn't smile right now if I tried... I really want to. I really wish I wasn't down. I really wish I could have cheered her up. Wait, I meant to say for her to cheer me up... freudian slip?
Maybe I need to talk to my doctor. Maybe I need something more... something else. I'll call tomorrow... she should have my latest blood tests, anyway.
Maybe I need to talk to my doctor. Maybe I need something more... something else. I'll call tomorrow... she should have my latest blood tests, anyway.
I was watching Finding Nemo again... and it cracks me up when the other fish are talking about their own little problems, like the octopus who says she has one short tentacle, the sea horse who says he's H2O intollerant, and the one that really cracks me up... the angel fish who says "I'm obnoxious!"
Anyway I had my another Dolce de Leche Milk Shake. I don't think this girl put in as much ice cream as the previous one, because it tasted more like thick milk than thin ice cream, but it didn't really matter since it really tasted good.
I'm awake! and it's light out! It kind of reminds me of the end of that one movie LadyHawke, where the guy (who is a man by day and wolf by night) and the girl (who is a hawk by day and lady by night) get reunited during an eclipse. Except that I'm not a werewolf, and I don't have a hawk... or a lady for that matter :(
I'm down in Ohio again... just checked in, so I'm at the hotel's business center computer. Convenient thing.
It's kind of wierd... as if I was just here... oh wait, I was. I've even got the same room #335 (Single occupant, king size bed, non smoking in case you cared, which I know you don't). I'll have 66 nights worth of miles on my Hilton card by the end of summer... wonder when I'll find that useful. Found out in my morning meeting that I'm one of 3 guys that will be down here most of the time for the wrap-up of this project... Somehow I'd rather be assigned to the plant near Toronto, regardless of the SARS scare. Oh well...
Anyway, I should be going to work... Put it off long enough, I think.
It's kind of wierd... as if I was just here... oh wait, I was. I've even got the same room #335 (Single occupant, king size bed, non smoking in case you cared, which I know you don't). I'll have 66 nights worth of miles on my Hilton card by the end of summer... wonder when I'll find that useful. Found out in my morning meeting that I'm one of 3 guys that will be down here most of the time for the wrap-up of this project... Somehow I'd rather be assigned to the plant near Toronto, regardless of the SARS scare. Oh well...
Anyway, I should be going to work... Put it off long enough, I think.
Gotta finish packing... last thing: anime! This time, I'm bringing... umm... Azumanga Daioh! (a great comedy series about a bunch of high school girls) uhh... and, if I can find it... ah here it is, Tenchi Muyo! okay, that should be everything... two more weeks..
My brother and his girlfriend came back home this evening. I just happened to catch her on AIM when they got in, so I went over to her place and hung out for a few hours (watched tv, mostly). But it was really cool, because that's exactly what I needed. Actually what I really needed was a hug and someone to hang out with for a while... work was driving me nuts, I think... being far from everyone made me feel lonely and working odd hours made me feel useless. I miss hugs... On thing about high school, hugs were always plentiful. Well, I got a couple today, so I feel better now. Hope the feeling lasts, but I really think my depression hasn't gone away quite yet...
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Wow... I guess I haven't been keeping up with the online anime fansub scene for a while. I missed something! Makoto Shinkai did a music video for Egao, a song by Hiromi Iwasaki. It was shown on tv in Japan on Minna no Uta. But it can be downloaded via BitTorrent here [Choco Fansubs]
slept for more than 12 hours! and still tired...
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Not exactly sure how I made the time shift, but it's 11:30pm and I'm tired. I'm going to continue on with Harry Potter in the classical book format (as opposed to MS Reader format) until I pass out.
You know what else has been on my mind lately. When I was young, as I think I've said before, I had to get frequent blood tests, in order to check and maintain my levels of Somophiline for my asthma. And my mom would usually take me shopping after these blood tests to get a toy. Around second grade, I got a blood test. It was a weekday, so it got me out of school for the afternoon, but it really sucked because it's a blood test. She took me to Service Merchandise. She let me pick a big toy this time; usually it was just a action figure or something, this time it was the GI Joe helicopter. And as we were driving home, I think she asked me, if her and dad were to get a divorce which one would I rather live with. I just got bribed big time and she's the one asking me so I said her, of course.
But still, why did she ask that? Now-a-days, she denies asking me that, and she says that her and dad never had any serious marriage issues. But still it bugs me. Did dad do something back then? This would have been around '85... I think that was 3 years before his first heart attack. I just can't think of anything that could have happened.
I don't know... doesn't matter, I guess.
But still, why did she ask that? Now-a-days, she denies asking me that, and she says that her and dad never had any serious marriage issues. But still it bugs me. Did dad do something back then? This would have been around '85... I think that was 3 years before his first heart attack. I just can't think of anything that could have happened.
I don't know... doesn't matter, I guess.
I'm watching ep 21 now... In the first half Keitaro goes out to dinner wih Naru. Of course, it's not a date.
In any case, it just reminds me of my last non-girlfriend... Yeah, I'm talking about the Fraulein that I used to go out with all the time... dinners, movies, wine tastings, plays, orchestra performances, etc. Of course it was never a date. We were always just friends... boy did I screw that up by trying to make it something more. This is where that John Mayer song would tie into my life.
July is coming up. Am I going to send her the 3rd or 4th annual "Happy Birthday, haven't seen you in a long time, wanna go see the orchestra again?" email? That remains to be seen. I'll probably not do it. I don't think I'm hung up like I used to be. But, any time I think of pasta, I still think of Villa Maria over there on Haggerty and 14 mile(?). Nice place. Don't think I would feel comfortable there though... Still think of it as her restaurant.
And that in turn ties in one of my pledge brothers... "Never pimp a P.B." was the thing to say back then... I always feel like I betrayed him. I mean, I am talking about his ex-girlfriend after all. And one party, he (drunk) yelled at me to get out of his sight and take care of her. But anyway he's getting married this summer, which is good. His fiancee is cool.
And so the rollercoaster goes back down...
In any case, it just reminds me of my last non-girlfriend... Yeah, I'm talking about the Fraulein that I used to go out with all the time... dinners, movies, wine tastings, plays, orchestra performances, etc. Of course it was never a date. We were always just friends... boy did I screw that up by trying to make it something more. This is where that John Mayer song would tie into my life.
July is coming up. Am I going to send her the 3rd or 4th annual "Happy Birthday, haven't seen you in a long time, wanna go see the orchestra again?" email? That remains to be seen. I'll probably not do it. I don't think I'm hung up like I used to be. But, any time I think of pasta, I still think of Villa Maria over there on Haggerty and 14 mile(?). Nice place. Don't think I would feel comfortable there though... Still think of it as her restaurant.
And that in turn ties in one of my pledge brothers... "Never pimp a P.B." was the thing to say back then... I always feel like I betrayed him. I mean, I am talking about his ex-girlfriend after all. And one party, he (drunk) yelled at me to get out of his sight and take care of her. But anyway he's getting married this summer, which is good. His fiancee is cool.
And so the rollercoaster goes back down...
ep 20 of LH... yeah, this time it's on DVD! woot!
Artist: John Mayer
Song: My Stupid Mouth
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the
salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just
slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Why: I don't know if it takes much explaining. I actually heard this 3-4 times before I realized what the lyrics were saying and after that I said, yup that's me, like, all the time.
Song: My Stupid Mouth
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the
salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just
slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Why: I don't know if it takes much explaining. I actually heard this 3-4 times before I realized what the lyrics were saying and after that I said, yup that's me, like, all the time.
Well, I always wanted more random traffic from search engines.... I just needed to mention Bit Torrents and then they started streaming in...
okay, tasks for the weekend...
open packages
unwrap dvds
check mail
pay bills
get blood test (late saturday morning)
eat thai at Pi's (sometime saturday)
go to church (saturday evening?)
laundry
eat sushi at Tokyo Sushi and Seoul BBQ (probably sunday?)
rewatch Hoshi no Koe?
finish harry potter?
repack
sleep!
open packages
unwrap dvds
check mail
pay bills
get blood test (late saturday morning)
eat thai at Pi's (sometime saturday)
go to church (saturday evening?)
laundry
eat sushi at Tokyo Sushi and Seoul BBQ (probably sunday?)
rewatch Hoshi no Koe?
finish harry potter?
repack
sleep!
Tadaima! Oh, wait... no one's here. Well, okay, my sister and her dog are here. Mom's off... somewhere else in the country (nothing new). I'd call my brother or his girlfriends up (and wake them up hehe!), but they are in New York. I think my other brother and his wife are down in Florida... so... uh... yeah, at least the dog is welcoming me back (and blocking the door so I can't leave again anyway.
So, yeah, I left work at 3am to start driving home. Construction here and there, 'tis the season... Didn't get too tired. Right contact started to dry up though... typical.
And along the way, listened to various new CD's... Will talk about one of the songs soon...
But the real surprise was, that when I got home, there were 3 packages sitting on the living room floor. For me, of course. So I go upstairs to my room, and there a huge fricking box and 6 more packages... damn... did I do that much damage? Which brings me to some of my driving home thoughts...
This entire trip I've just been swinging back and forth... manic symptoms here, depression symptoms there. Down for a few hours, up for a day, down for few days, up for a few hours... Maybe I should have just gone to Six Flags and taken a roller coaster...
So, yeah, I left work at 3am to start driving home. Construction here and there, 'tis the season... Didn't get too tired. Right contact started to dry up though... typical.
And along the way, listened to various new CD's... Will talk about one of the songs soon...
But the real surprise was, that when I got home, there were 3 packages sitting on the living room floor. For me, of course. So I go upstairs to my room, and there a huge fricking box and 6 more packages... damn... did I do that much damage? Which brings me to some of my driving home thoughts...
This entire trip I've just been swinging back and forth... manic symptoms here, depression symptoms there. Down for a few hours, up for a day, down for few days, up for a few hours... Maybe I should have just gone to Six Flags and taken a roller coaster...
Friday, June 27, 2003
packing up to go home. maybe I'll start work early today, too, so that I can leave earlier, instead of just idling for the next 6 hours and being exhausted when I leave....
Oh yeah, this isn't going to be my last trip down here... actually I'm here most of the summer... after the next 2-week, I'm at home for a week, then I'll have 2 more 2-weeks, followed by a week at home, then ANOTHER 2 more 2-weeks... I've got a headache...
7:09... I've asked for a wake up call at noon because I need to check out by 1. Hotels aren't very accomadating for third shift guests, unfortunately...
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Okay, I've already said this... but still...
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Happy birthday, to me? Okay, my really birthday isn't until July 8... but she couldn't wait to give it to me, so I won't wait to post it!
THAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! ("Thank you", in case anyone can't speak whale).
THAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! ("Thank you", in case anyone can't speak whale).
posted by JT # 8:02:00 AM
Dammit... I hate it when these stupid quiz things can almost peg me with my name alone.... Okay, so maybe I'm not an actor and I can barely swim to save my life... But temperment? It's funny because I've actually got a certificate from my robot team that calls me unflappable.... And the rest??? well... sadly....
| ||||||||||||||||||||
Also I've got to remember that I need to pack tonight... I'm supposed to check out tomorrow! Funny thing is that my badge STILL doesn't work... Maybe tomorrow... heh heh
Started reading Harry Potter V last night, on my PDA of course... makes me kind of look like I'm actually doing something. But then again, I was bored enough that reading robot training manuals seemed like a good idea... well, at least I skimmed through it for seemingly useful instructions and was disappointed to find out I only spent 15 minutes doing that. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm now in chapter 5 (of 38, I think) so I've got a ways to go still.
Also, I've got my sister's copy sitting at home waiting for me... she finished it the day it came out.
Also, I've got my sister's copy sitting at home waiting for me... she finished it the day it came out.
As I was coming up the elevator to my room, I was thinking about my last post... and just thought about how sickeningly clingy I am, not just to slurpees and milk shakes and stuff, but to people also... And how I'm bound to just drive people away like that.
But then I started thinking, maybe that's okay. And maybe I'm not driving away people that really matter, anyway.
But then I started thinking, maybe that's okay. And maybe I'm not driving away people that really matter, anyway.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Here's something else... I haven't had a slurpee in over a week... and I don't seem to have any withdrawl symptoms. But, I might just turn to Handel's Ice Cream floats as my substitute. Yum yum!
Well here's one... I keep getting asked "Are you a foreman?" by suppliers, production workers, etc. I always want to reply "Do I look that stupid?" but I usually think better of it.
I keep forgeting to post this... uh... wait, what was it?
don't really have that much to say right now. I don't think I'm depressed... but I'm at least non-manic... somehow, a down swung version of my previously non-depressiveness... this time shown with feelings of marginal worth, self-directed anger and regret, but still with energy to keep going and a want to start some new projects. Maybe I'll start sketching again this afternoon.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
On a brighter note, I had chilean sea bass for dinner which wasn't too bad (slightly overcooked, way overbuttered). Then I went to this ice cream place that someone at the plant recommended and had a mint chocolate chip milk shake... tasted really really good except for trying to suck those chocolate flakes through a straw; that didn't work.
And finally I went to Best Buy to buy a CD player so that I can listen to stuff here in my room. Of course, I could have used my laptop, but that's beside the point. I think it was my last manic shopping mission from this weekend, and I think I went ahead and did it because I wanted to not be depressed. It didn't work. And besides, I forgot to buy batteries.
And finally I went to Best Buy to buy a CD player so that I can listen to stuff here in my room. Of course, I could have used my laptop, but that's beside the point. I think it was my last manic shopping mission from this weekend, and I think I went ahead and did it because I wanted to not be depressed. It didn't work. And besides, I forgot to buy batteries.
Well, today, the non-depression may have just crumbled apart and crashed to the floor. I know when it happened, why it happened, what triggered it, etc. But the question is really, am I more depressed about the fact that they'll be out of contact, or the the fact that they'll be out of contact bothers me?
I'm tired.... I just want to curl up and go back to bed.
I'm tired.... I just want to curl up and go back to bed.
mm... early afternoon lunch today rivals Ally Sheedy's sandwich from the Breakfast Club (remember the Cap'n Crunch and Pixie Stix?) as one of the most disgusting sounding sandwich... Peanut Butter and Reese's Puffs... But it tastes pretty good, so can't complain.
Forgot to take my seroquel this morning... maybe it explains why I was having trouble sleeping.... I wonder if it explains this horrible headache... is this thing addictive? or if that's just because of the measly 4 hours of sleep I just got... in any case I don't feel like going back to sleep, just in case anyone shows up on AIM.
I actually forgot... since the hotel room has high speed internet access, I can use bittorrent to download stuff.... you know, like anime or movies... order of the phoenix???? what??? it couldn't be, could it?
even scarier thought... what if this is my "normal"?
I figured it out. I'm manic. Well, kind of. I wonder if it's possible to be "delusionally non-depressive". Sounds wierd, but it's almost the truth. Basically I look at my life from a delusion-induced pedestal and analyze the fact that I'm not depressed in spite of so many normally depressing issues in my life. Kind of a wierd mixed mood or maybe a strange dysthymia.
Whatever it is, it doesn't involve racing thoughts (up or down) or feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, euphoria, carelessness, carefreeness. I'm not particularly energetic or slothful. The only goals I have (that I can think of) is to stay awake during work, earn my wages, and sleep when I need to. I get 6-7 hours of sleep each day, don't feel tired when I wake. I eat normal sized meals, usually a breakfast (usually my lunch that I never got around to eating at work) and a dinner. My current big fears are being rejected and being run over by hi-lo's.
The only wierd things I even notice are increased spending, a strong want to not do nothing (might be driving my spending), an unusual feeling of disconnectedness (from others and my own feelings), and the fact that when think of people there's one particular person who always comes to mind first (Just kind of one of those I-hope-she's-okay thoughts).
Whatever it is, it doesn't involve racing thoughts (up or down) or feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, euphoria, carelessness, carefreeness. I'm not particularly energetic or slothful. The only goals I have (that I can think of) is to stay awake during work, earn my wages, and sleep when I need to. I get 6-7 hours of sleep each day, don't feel tired when I wake. I eat normal sized meals, usually a breakfast (usually my lunch that I never got around to eating at work) and a dinner. My current big fears are being rejected and being run over by hi-lo's.
The only wierd things I even notice are increased spending, a strong want to not do nothing (might be driving my spending), an unusual feeling of disconnectedness (from others and my own feelings), and the fact that when think of people there's one particular person who always comes to mind first (Just kind of one of those I-hope-she's-okay thoughts).
Monday, June 23, 2003
Hey, check out the transformable Escaflowne! I'm buying one, definitely!
The Pad Thai from that place (Lemon Grass?) was not horrible... But it doesn't hold a candle to Pi's Thai... I miss that place... I guess I'll be able to go this Saturday...
I wish I were somewhere else right now. Not really anywhere in particular, but at least with people I know. This is definitely not my normal mode of depression. I usually regret this or feel hopeless about that or wish this or that would get put out of my misery. This one is more... numb. Right now, it's like I'm just bored and lonely and a little confused and a tiny bit afraid. I'd just rather be with someone right now, instead of sitting here on a Sunday night/Monday morning, writing because I have nothing better to do.
Anyone want to go to Six Flags or Cedar Point this week? I'll skip sleeping for a day and I'll even buy your ticket... god I'm so pathetic...
Anyone want to go to Six Flags or Cedar Point this week? I'll skip sleeping for a day and I'll even buy your ticket... god I'm so pathetic...
Chorus stuck in my head -
Song: Black & White People
Artist: Matchbox 20
If it's just that you're weak, can we talk about it? It's getting so damn creepy just nursing this ghost of chance, the fiction, the romance, and the technicolor dreams of black and white people
Why: I often feel creepy thinking about the way I feel and the fictious romantic airs that tend to I pick up on and drive in my head... and in hindsight, it always ends up feeling like an odd dream.
Song: Black & White People
Artist: Matchbox 20
If it's just that you're weak, can we talk about it? It's getting so damn creepy just nursing this ghost of chance, the fiction, the romance, and the technicolor dreams of black and white people
Why: I often feel creepy thinking about the way I feel and the fictious romantic airs that tend to I pick up on and drive in my head... and in hindsight, it always ends up feeling like an odd dream.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
progress update: still have to finish 6 more main episodes (19-24), 2 specials, 3 oavs, and (if I feel up for it) the live concert).
I'm still too tired...
I'm still too tired...
Found a thai food place. Ate green tea ice cream too... Somehow it was all underwhelming... Except for drinking a frappucino outside on a Starbuck patio while waiting for the restaurant to open; that was nice. Anyway, I bought an extra Pad Thai for lunch tonight. Need to remember to bring my fork (yeah, I finally got a fork last night from Wendy's).
I'm tired... need to go to work in about an hour... *yawn*...
I'm tired... need to go to work in about an hour... *yawn*...
Heh... I just remembered the last time I got drunk and partied down at the flats in Cleveland... must have been 3 years ago, summer... we were in a bar, the place was packed. Some attractive girl walked up to me and started dancing with me. Hey, cool! Anyway, after about a minute later, she pulled grabbed my head, leaned over to yell in my ear "Next time don't be so obvious." And she walked away, acting all pissed off. I'm standing there, like, what??? Obviously what?? I'm in a bar, sloshed, and just having a good time! Sheesh...
It still cracks me up...
It still cracks me up...
I've been thinking all night, about the people I rely on, like the people I talk to make things okay. Some I need to talk or IM with every single day or else things just don't feel right. Some I need to get a phone call from once a week just so that I know that I'm somewhat balanced. Some I wish I saw more often, and I try my best to coincidently run into them as often as possible. But, at least I'm really bad at setting up such coincidences. Otherwise I might feel like a stalker. Some I haven't talked to for such a long time that I don't even know how to call them any more.
But anyway, the part I'm really thinking about is how they will eventually grow apart from me. They're going to graduate from law school, business school, high school, whatever. They're going to start new jobs, quit their old ones. They'll buy houses near or far. They'll be getting engaged or married or they'll move in with their significant others. They'll have kids or pets or favorite things to do that don't involve me.
Of course, my life will move along its own path. It sounds like this is a depressing chain of thought, but it's not. Makes me think of a line from one of my favorite movies: "I'm strangely comfortable with the idea." [Boondock Saints]
And sometimes I wish I was younger. And it's never because I feel old. No, it's because I wish I could feel differently about the people I know. But why does age matter? In high school, I didn't think it mattered; in college, I knew it did: right now, it just does. The quote I think of here is one of my favorites: "I'm just a Pooh bear to your Christopher Robin." [Beautiful Girls] I love Natalie Portman in that movie.
In a few years, differences might not matter anyway. Maybe it doesn't matter now and I just prefer giving myself an excuse for not even trying.
Maybe that's my problem... I try too hard. I even try too hard to not try too hard... which leaves me standing around awkward when talking people or sitting around waiting for replies to emails in which I try to be "subtly direct".
Anyway, I guess I could ramble on pointlessly for a while, but maybe it would end up making me depressed.
But anyway, the part I'm really thinking about is how they will eventually grow apart from me. They're going to graduate from law school, business school, high school, whatever. They're going to start new jobs, quit their old ones. They'll buy houses near or far. They'll be getting engaged or married or they'll move in with their significant others. They'll have kids or pets or favorite things to do that don't involve me.
Of course, my life will move along its own path. It sounds like this is a depressing chain of thought, but it's not. Makes me think of a line from one of my favorite movies: "I'm strangely comfortable with the idea." [Boondock Saints]
And sometimes I wish I was younger. And it's never because I feel old. No, it's because I wish I could feel differently about the people I know. But why does age matter? In high school, I didn't think it mattered; in college, I knew it did: right now, it just does. The quote I think of here is one of my favorites: "I'm just a Pooh bear to your Christopher Robin." [Beautiful Girls] I love Natalie Portman in that movie.
In a few years, differences might not matter anyway. Maybe it doesn't matter now and I just prefer giving myself an excuse for not even trying.
Maybe that's my problem... I try too hard. I even try too hard to not try too hard... which leaves me standing around awkward when talking people or sitting around waiting for replies to emails in which I try to be "subtly direct".
Anyway, I guess I could ramble on pointlessly for a while, but maybe it would end up making me depressed.
Saturday, June 21, 2003
Still watching Love Hina... Just finished ep 16... Poor Keitaro... knowing that the girl he loves likes someone else, he sacrifices his feelings to help her get him... all I can say is, he's baka...
Congratulations and best wishes to Mr and Mrs Mole.... It would have been fun if I could have been there for the reception last night... but instead, I was making oodles of money... *sigh*
Friday, June 20, 2003
Oh god... I forgot how loud the ringer is on my phone.... woke me up at like 3am... oh, it's 10am... same difference...
my credit card's fraud prevention line? hmm... maybe I should call them back, huh? probably because of some random $500 mixed mania driven purchase this morning, eh? gotta go back to sleep first... I'm so fricking dead tired... but it's looks sooo nice outside; don't want to sleep....
my credit card's fraud prevention line? hmm... maybe I should call them back, huh? probably because of some random $500 mixed mania driven purchase this morning, eh? gotta go back to sleep first... I'm so fricking dead tired... but it's looks sooo nice outside; don't want to sleep....
Ordered a DVD burner, external of course... Why? Not for burning really, but for more for watching movies... the fact that it can burn is only icing on the cake. I would have bought it at Best Buy yesterday, but they didn't have any external ones. But I did buy a mouse (which I forgot out in my car) and a bunch of CDs while I was there...
well my badge still doesn't work, which means that I still can't get out of the plant without someone letting me in. Really disturbing after 13 hours of being in there... I'm tired, hungry, angry, frustrated, bored, lonely, fried, wheezy, sick, angry, frystrated... did I mention angry? yeah I went in early trying to make sure I could get in and left late, trying to get out... I felt like strangling someone because I'm so tired...
Thursday, June 19, 2003
I start work in 4 hours... Hopefully that's enough time to do some shopping and find a decent restaurant.... I'm doing better this afternoon... guess I really just wanted to talk with someone last night...
I'm still tired... and I've got a headache... But I'll be okay in a few hours...
I'm still tired... and I've got a headache... But I'll be okay in a few hours...
Pocket PC's are so useful...
It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm the only tech here. I was asked to work this shift because they wanted someone here. I don't think they need me, but it's okay since I'll get extra pay for working the graveyard. Only problem is... I'm getting depressed...
Earlier today, I was playing the omake cellphone game at the site for Voices on a Distant Star (aka Hoshi no Koe). I've already figured out 5 of the 7 codes; just hit the third key and type in one of these numbers (24, 4152047, 45, 128, 30585, ?, ?) and you'll get some cool hidden information popups.
The reason I bring this up is that the main characters, at the end of the movie, talk about how thex feel two people can share one thought, one feeling (ie love), together and simultaneously, across the galaxy, not limited by the speed of light.
And I guess I'm relating how I'm separated from everyone by distance and time. So I'm thinking how nice it would be right now, if I could do that too. But what does it matter; I have no one to share that feeling with me.
Must find some work to do... Oh, nevermind, it's lunch time now... And I can't leave since my badge still doesn't work. My coworkers need to let me out when they come in... On a somewhat unrelated subject, my lithium dosage increased to 3 pills in the afternoon... those pills, a bag of Doritos, and a Dr. Pepper are my lunch.
I'll go shopping tomorrow... Found a decent looking mall (read: has Saks Fifth) in Cleveland... Actually I should find a Best Buy and a Thai restaurant. I think the depression is passing. Just need to stay busy.
6 am now. I've actually been working the past hour or so. I'm doing ok. The sun should be coming up, but unfortunately the dock door faces north. Maybe I'll walk out there when it looks like it's dawn coming. One more hour.
And now I'm home... well, at the hotel room, I mean. I'm alright... it's just lonely on 3rd shift, I guess... I'll get used to it...
These two weeks will pay approximately 200 work-hour-equivalents... which means that these two weeks will pay 1 1/4 times what I used to make in a full month! If only it weren't so damn tiring... Actually I'm not tired right now, but I know I have to sleep, because I said I'd be out of my room by 4pm so that housekeeping can come in and take care of things... must sleep... or I'll just talk on AIM for a little while... hehe
It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm the only tech here. I was asked to work this shift because they wanted someone here. I don't think they need me, but it's okay since I'll get extra pay for working the graveyard. Only problem is... I'm getting depressed...
Earlier today, I was playing the omake cellphone game at the site for Voices on a Distant Star (aka Hoshi no Koe). I've already figured out 5 of the 7 codes; just hit the third key and type in one of these numbers (24, 4152047, 45, 128, 30585, ?, ?) and you'll get some cool hidden information popups.
The reason I bring this up is that the main characters, at the end of the movie, talk about how thex feel two people can share one thought, one feeling (ie love), together and simultaneously, across the galaxy, not limited by the speed of light.
And I guess I'm relating how I'm separated from everyone by distance and time. So I'm thinking how nice it would be right now, if I could do that too. But what does it matter; I have no one to share that feeling with me.
Must find some work to do... Oh, nevermind, it's lunch time now... And I can't leave since my badge still doesn't work. My coworkers need to let me out when they come in... On a somewhat unrelated subject, my lithium dosage increased to 3 pills in the afternoon... those pills, a bag of Doritos, and a Dr. Pepper are my lunch.
I'll go shopping tomorrow... Found a decent looking mall (read: has Saks Fifth) in Cleveland... Actually I should find a Best Buy and a Thai restaurant. I think the depression is passing. Just need to stay busy.
6 am now. I've actually been working the past hour or so. I'm doing ok. The sun should be coming up, but unfortunately the dock door faces north. Maybe I'll walk out there when it looks like it's dawn coming. One more hour.
And now I'm home... well, at the hotel room, I mean. I'm alright... it's just lonely on 3rd shift, I guess... I'll get used to it...
These two weeks will pay approximately 200 work-hour-equivalents... which means that these two weeks will pay 1 1/4 times what I used to make in a full month! If only it weren't so damn tiring... Actually I'm not tired right now, but I know I have to sleep, because I said I'd be out of my room by 4pm so that housekeeping can come in and take care of things... must sleep... or I'll just talk on AIM for a little while... hehe
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Interesting tidbit... there was an earthquake in Tokyo while LH 14 was airing...
ep 12... This one kind of reminds me of a typical Simpsons episode, in that I kind of starts out one way (Motoko the feminine) and then completely changes around (Tama-chan the thief) and then changes again (Mecha-Tama-chan the super deluxe big monster thing)
heh, I forgot about the lesbian stalker turtle...
heh, I forgot about the lesbian stalker turtle...
Just got a call from the dealership... I won't be getting my Sebring LXi after all... It'll be a Sebring Limited! What that means, I'm not really sure... there are a couple of options that I ordered that don't seem to exist, but those might just be part of the base package... I dunno...
okay, I took my seroquel before that last episode... getting a bit drowsy... ep 11 is the big star episode I think... getting a little tough to concentrate... don't think I should start another one yet...
No... sleep would be the most appropriate thing right now... I've been up for 20 hours... that's good enough, I think... so if I wake up at noon, I'll be working 20 hours after I wake up.... And then I'll be finally re-acclimated to the shift change... *insert nervous laugh here*
No... sleep would be the most appropriate thing right now... I've been up for 20 hours... that's good enough, I think... so if I wake up at noon, I'll be working 20 hours after I wake up.... And then I'll be finally re-acclimated to the shift change... *insert nervous laugh here*
Ep 10... the horror thriller? No, it's the magical girl episode... I guess... I guess I'm really really tired now...
And watching Keitaro's friend pullout a magical girl wand... priceless! The fun thing is, the chant that this particular fansub used almost exactly matches the Magical Domiko chant from Nanaka 6/17 (yeah, it's an anime with an anime).
I'm finding this episode rather entertaining... perhaps I'm just slaphappy... Kaolla is just awesome in this episode... And I like the older Kaolla too...
Oh, and I love the weapons the girls arm themselves with, especially Kitsune's sake bottle...
And watching Keitaro's friend pullout a magical girl wand... priceless! The fun thing is, the chant that this particular fansub used almost exactly matches the Magical Domiko chant from Nanaka 6/17 (yeah, it's an anime with an anime).
I'm finding this episode rather entertaining... perhaps I'm just slaphappy... Kaolla is just awesome in this episode... And I like the older Kaolla too...
Oh, and I love the weapons the girls arm themselves with, especially Kitsune's sake bottle...
oh... episode 9... the who-dun-it episode... It has been a long time since I've seen this show... completely forgot about it... But this is where that curry quote is from... ah! Curry would be nice right now...
Ep 8... just realized that Naru keeps hitting Keitaro while asking "What are you misinterpretting!!?" Feels familiar, although it's never a physical punch... more like an emotional low blow typically, like not returning phone calls or emails or ignoring me...
btw, the technique in this episode is the video game. That Chobits episode is such a ripoff... But then again, I'm sure it was already a common story idea long before LH was made. *thinks back to the cartoon Dungeons and Dragons*
btw, the technique in this episode is the video game. That Chobits episode is such a ripoff... But then again, I'm sure it was already a common story idea long before LH was made. *thinks back to the cartoon Dungeons and Dragons*
Oh... crap... I was thinking of eating some cereal now, but I don't have silverware... maybe I can grab some from a fast food joint tomorrow...
Oh, speaking of a cramped lunch time, I went grocery shopping for lunch... bought spinach dip, bread, peanut butter, pot pies, pierogis, chocolate milk, skim milk, and Reece's Puffs.... I mean, not that anyone cares what I buy... but... I guess I just feel like writing... maybe it's just because I have no one to talk to right now... sigh... I'm too hyper for this time of night... but I have to shift another 7 hours tomorrow... yawn....
Random thought for the day: You know what would make a great reality game show? Forget about American Idol and Fame and those shows. Someone should make "Who Wants to be a One Hit Wonder?" I mean, lets be realistic about participants' expectations...
Half past midnight.... and I'm tired... But I need to stay up for a few more hours, I think... Because I'm moving back another shift... I'll be starting at 7pm tomorrow for another 12 hour shift... Fun for the whole family! oh, wait, there's no family, just me... So I'm pretty much going to be stuck out on my own from here on out... At least it'll give me decent time to find a proper lunch.. trying to eat to start at noon sucked because most places open at 11 or 11:30... So tomorrow, I'll probably eat breakfast at 10, lunch at 5, work at 7, dinner at midnight, and bed at 8am... This is going to be so wierd...
Oh yeah, an I need to get my badge activated... I wasn't allowed to leave tonight, until I found someone who would help pull me out... That kind of sucked...
Oh yeah, an I need to get my badge activated... I wasn't allowed to leave tonight, until I found someone who would help pull me out... That kind of sucked...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Hmm... Watching episode 7... I think I'm a type 2-C personality: Suffering from a Desire to Love and be Loved to Return (DLLR) Syndrome. As they explain it, rather than confessing my own love, I'm the type that establishes my identity by relying on another person's love. Sounds just like me...
I'm not exactly sure what was special/different about LH 5... But episode 6 is definitely the travel reporting that the characters keep doing. It's pretty funny...
Oh yeah, speaking of Ohians, I've got to say that this is the only state that I've ever seen policemen and police cars (red and blues on of course) used as traffic cones... Yeah, they use them to block off the construction sites... seems like such a waste! Go out and arrest someone for heaven's sake! Go get those speeders on the turnpike! There's plenty of them (ie. everyone who wizzed past me yesterday, who was everyone.)
I'm reading the local paper, looking for things to do in the morning before work... Found an interesting little snippet that the "Northeast Ohio Bloggers Meetup" is having a gathering on Wednesday... would be an interesting, even though I'm not really an Ohian, but it's at night and I work that night.
And in case you didn't realize... the hotel broadband works fine... Not too shabby... Wonder if I could run nmdc from here? ah, but I have not anime on this computer...
Anyway, I also discovered that my spare HD has a clean Windows 2000 installation... which means I can use it for whatever I want too! The first thing I insalled? AIM! Yeah, there was someone I wanted to talk to... And then after that drivers and windows upates and codecs and... what else do I need? Hmm...
Anyway, I also discovered that my spare HD has a clean Windows 2000 installation... which means I can use it for whatever I want too! The first thing I insalled? AIM! Yeah, there was someone I wanted to talk to... And then after that drivers and windows upates and codecs and... what else do I need? Hmm...
Oh yeah... It's a little past midnight, and I'm still forcing myself to stay up... why? I get to do second shift starting tomorrow... I'll do my 12 hour shift starting at noon... That's going to be wierd... But probably won't be so bad... I do have to find some restaurants for lunch and stuff.... Where's the sushi bars? Where's the Thai food?
Gotta love company cars... Got into the office this morning (had to wait until someone let me in since my badge didn't work yet)... And the drawer had two keys in it. Should I take the Dakota or the 300M? Duh... 300M!
And let me tell you, I drove all the way to Cleveland following the speed limit. Two reasons... First, I don't have any intention on getting a ticket. Second, I don't have any intention on getting a ticket with the company car. Third... It didn't even feel like I was driving... It was more like sitting in a heated laziboy recliner in an airconditioned room, and the world just kind of moved around me... (in other words, leather seats, heated seats, 8-way power seats, and climate control). I'm glad I have already ordered my Sebring, otherwise I'd be ordering this car right now.
Another cool thing is the trip computer, which, among other things, will tell you how many more miles until the gas tank is empty... Fortunately, it's a little bit conservative... Like when I was on the turnpike and started turning off the a/c and the seat heater and the radio because the needle was on empty... and the computer said 5 more miles... and the sign said, Service Station 6 miles... I was laughing my a-- off... wondering if I'm going to have to Fred Flintstone the car into the gas station...
And let me tell you, I drove all the way to Cleveland following the speed limit. Two reasons... First, I don't have any intention on getting a ticket. Second, I don't have any intention on getting a ticket with the company car. Third... It didn't even feel like I was driving... It was more like sitting in a heated laziboy recliner in an airconditioned room, and the world just kind of moved around me... (in other words, leather seats, heated seats, 8-way power seats, and climate control). I'm glad I have already ordered my Sebring, otherwise I'd be ordering this car right now.
Another cool thing is the trip computer, which, among other things, will tell you how many more miles until the gas tank is empty... Fortunately, it's a little bit conservative... Like when I was on the turnpike and started turning off the a/c and the seat heater and the radio because the needle was on empty... and the computer said 5 more miles... and the sign said, Service Station 6 miles... I was laughing my a-- off... wondering if I'm going to have to Fred Flintstone the car into the gas station...
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Song: Peter, Paul, and Mary - Leaving on a Jet Plane
Well, I'll be driving, but you get the point. This will be my last post from home until... um... June 27 or 28, depend upon how tired I am when I get back. But, since the Hilton has internet access, I should be able to update my blog from my room. I should even be able to get on to AIM too! And I should be able to access my yahoo email address. Of course, if you know my cell phone that will be on too... I still wish this phone could handle Upoc messages correctly... stupid sprint... at least it's nationwide... Anyway, time to turn off the computer... gotta sleep...
Itte kimasu!
Well, I'll be driving, but you get the point. This will be my last post from home until... um... June 27 or 28, depend upon how tired I am when I get back. But, since the Hilton has internet access, I should be able to update my blog from my room. I should even be able to get on to AIM too! And I should be able to access my yahoo email address. Of course, if you know my cell phone that will be on too... I still wish this phone could handle Upoc messages correctly... stupid sprint... at least it's nationwide... Anyway, time to turn off the computer... gotta sleep...
Itte kimasu!
Still on ep 4... Keitaro is forcing Naru to read his journal to make up for reading hers. Makes me laugh for some reason...
I'm starting to think that it's not a visual affect that is unique to each episode, but a unique storytelling technique. The technique in episode 4 is the use of the journal to tell the story. And I went back and looked at ep 1, which used the backflash/dream, and ep 2, which used a backflash in a different character's perspective. As I said earlier, ep 3 used a old-style film for the opening sequence.
Episode 3... Here's one of the visual affects... The old-style film type sequences at the beginning... I'm wondering if the arrows were supposed to be the visual affect of episode 2 or maybe it was the fog... i dunno...
Oh, and btw, I just ordered all of the LH DVDs... go me! Damn mania...
Oh, and btw, I just ordered all of the LH DVDs... go me! Damn mania...
Ah... in the fansub for episode 2, when they show Shinobu point of view, she says "What... I'm smiling... Why? how? ...that's so mean." So I guess my memory isn't that bad after all...
I'm watching the first episode of Love Hina now... I figured watching 25 episodes, 2 specials, and 3 OAVs all in a 11-night timespan will be kind of tough considering I'll be working 12 hour days down there.
I haven't watched this series in almost two years... I've got it in AVI files which I think I downloaded off of Morpheus way back when. I should by the DVDs... Anyway the size of the files is amazing... only 40-80 MB per episode, small enough that I could put 12 episodes on a CD... most fansubs these days are around 150-230MB, so you can only put 3-4 episodes on a CD... But then again, this is captured at 352x240 which is really puny.
Anyway, I find that a lot of the parts that I thought I knew aren't the same. Like, for some reason I thought Shinobu had said "Why am I smiling? That's cruel." (in reference to Keitaro's sketch of her near the bridge). Instead it said "Why is it so crude?" Maybe my memory is just for s---.
Someone told me once that each episode has a particular graphic effect that is unique or something... I still have no clue what they were talking about...
And I've always wondered how Naru could unbraid her hair so quickly... or why she bothers to braid it at all.
And the old guys are great... "If you think you have, you don't... If you think you don't have it, you still don't..." So true...
Anyway... On to episode two...
I haven't watched this series in almost two years... I've got it in AVI files which I think I downloaded off of Morpheus way back when. I should by the DVDs... Anyway the size of the files is amazing... only 40-80 MB per episode, small enough that I could put 12 episodes on a CD... most fansubs these days are around 150-230MB, so you can only put 3-4 episodes on a CD... But then again, this is captured at 352x240 which is really puny.
Anyway, I find that a lot of the parts that I thought I knew aren't the same. Like, for some reason I thought Shinobu had said "Why am I smiling? That's cruel." (in reference to Keitaro's sketch of her near the bridge). Instead it said "Why is it so crude?" Maybe my memory is just for s---.
Someone told me once that each episode has a particular graphic effect that is unique or something... I still have no clue what they were talking about...
And I've always wondered how Naru could unbraid her hair so quickly... or why she bothers to braid it at all.
And the old guys are great... "If you think you have, you don't... If you think you don't have it, you still don't..." So true...
Anyway... On to episode two...
Well, I think I'm just about done packing now... Only things left are the things in my car right now, like my mp3 player and phone charger. I even refilled my pill dispenser.
It seems like this should have taken a lot longer...
It seems like this should have taken a lot longer...
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Welll, I stopped playing games and decided to get back to packing... I was cleaning out my backpack, which I plan on taking with me... and found my confirmation stuff from the retreats earlier this year! Man, I almost forgot about this stuff... like the planning sheets that I typed up (why? I'm not sure... no one needed them, since the teen facilitators were always on the ball...), all the skits (yeah... don't quite know them by heart, but it's close), but the most important, the affirmation cards and letters... In case you haven't been to a confirmation retreat at my church, at the end of the retreat everyone hangs a card on their back and everyone goes around signing each other's cards with compliments and stuff. Also, a lot of people take time to write letters to each other... I used to have all my stuff from high school... I think I threw them out when I threw my high school journals out a few years ago (was that back in 98?)... Anyway, I'm glad I've got these ones... it's still nice to read them sometimes...
Ah well... I might as well leave them in that backpack for a while...
Ah well... I might as well leave them in that backpack for a while...
I almost forgot about this.... I've had the lyrics for this song for a while and I've always meant to post them...
Song: Be My Number Two
Artist: Joe Jackson
Lyrics:
Won't you be my number two?
Me and number one are through.
There won't be too much to do,
Just smile when I feel blue.
And there's not much left of me.
What you get is what you see.
Is it worth the energy?
I leave it up to you.
And if you've got something to say to me,
Don't try to lay your funny ways on me.
I know that it's really not fair of me,
But my heart's seen too much action.
Every time I look at you,
You'll be who I want you too,
And I'll do what I can do,
To make a dream or two - come true
If you'll be… If you'll be my number two
(instrumental)
And if you've got something to say to me,
Don't try to lay your funny ways on me.
I know that it's really not fair of me,
But my heart's seen too much action.
Every time I look at you,
You'll be who I want you too,
And I'll do what I can do,
To make a dream or two - come true
If you'll be… If you'll be my number… two
Why:
I've wondered for a while if my heart would ever again be ready to love. Or is it just closed off and wounded and whatever else... And what if someone fell in love with me? How would I act then? It seems like it wouldn't be fair to them. Unless I could repair this wounded heart of mine, all I'll ever do is hurt other people.
So I was going to post that a few days ago, but forgot to... And now I look at it and I notice that I keep sending out warnings to stay away... and that's really what is not fair of me.
Song: Be My Number Two
Artist: Joe Jackson
Lyrics:
Won't you be my number two?
Me and number one are through.
There won't be too much to do,
Just smile when I feel blue.
And there's not much left of me.
What you get is what you see.
Is it worth the energy?
I leave it up to you.
And if you've got something to say to me,
Don't try to lay your funny ways on me.
I know that it's really not fair of me,
But my heart's seen too much action.
Every time I look at you,
You'll be who I want you too,
And I'll do what I can do,
To make a dream or two - come true
If you'll be… If you'll be my number two
(instrumental)
And if you've got something to say to me,
Don't try to lay your funny ways on me.
I know that it's really not fair of me,
But my heart's seen too much action.
Every time I look at you,
You'll be who I want you too,
And I'll do what I can do,
To make a dream or two - come true
If you'll be… If you'll be my number… two
Why:
I've wondered for a while if my heart would ever again be ready to love. Or is it just closed off and wounded and whatever else... And what if someone fell in love with me? How would I act then? It seems like it wouldn't be fair to them. Unless I could repair this wounded heart of mine, all I'll ever do is hurt other people.
So I was going to post that a few days ago, but forgot to... And now I look at it and I notice that I keep sending out warnings to stay away... and that's really what is not fair of me.
oh yeah, and blood tests still suck. This time, the med tech couldn't find a good vein, so she started probing with the stupid needle... a few more minutes and I would have thrown up... Lithium sucks... but I guess it helps too.... dammit...
I just sent one of my friends and his soon-to-be wife their wedding present... online registries are a wonderful thing... sooo much easier than going to the actual store and finding out that all the big items are gone and you have to go hunt around the store for all the tiny little $5-$20 gifts that they asked for until you come up with the amount you were planning to give... Instead you just click a bunch of times and then you're done!
But, it's still unfortunate I can't be there... I guess the best I can do is show that I wish I was.
But, it's still unfortunate I can't be there... I guess the best I can do is show that I wish I was.
Oh yeah... today is the day for graduation parties... One of my friend's little sister's graduation from high school and my sister-in-law's graduation from college. Sounds like a great excuse to get drunk! damn... never mind....
I remember my graduation party from high school... I invited a lot of people... 3 people showed up... those f---ers.... oh well, I was trying to disappear out of their lives anyway. I didn't get senior pictures taken so that I wouldn't be in the yearbook. I even picked a college where I knew no one else was going to go. I was such an idiot back then...
Oh well, what's done is done... Things worked out pretty well, I think, despite myself...
I remember my graduation party from high school... I invited a lot of people... 3 people showed up... those f---ers.... oh well, I was trying to disappear out of their lives anyway. I didn't get senior pictures taken so that I wouldn't be in the yearbook. I even picked a college where I knew no one else was going to go. I was such an idiot back then...
Oh well, what's done is done... Things worked out pretty well, I think, despite myself...
I decided I'm not taking my camera with me. I figured my brother might want to take it on his vacation. But right now he's saying he's too concerned it's value to carry it around New York with him... I wouldn't be concerned about it... but anyway, I'll leave it with him for a while, so it's up to him whether or not he wants to take it.
Friday, June 13, 2003
Well, there was something cool about work today. One of my coworkers picked up on the fact that I'm still a bit nervous about my first stint down in Ohio, so he bought me a pop and told me about some of the things to do down there. Then he called up one of the guys that's down there right now and told him that I'm bringing my pool cue and was getting ready to beat his a-- at 8-ball (note: I suck at pool). Anyway, I think that helped a lot.
Well, I think I can say I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday... right now, I'm just... mellow, I guess. I have a task to take care of: packing! which means I've actually got to find some of the stuff I plan on taking, which means I need to clean up a bit... god, this room is a mess... so many short-lived hobbies.... so much wasted money... so much wasted time... But it's what makes me me, and I kind of like it that way.
Went to my pdoc appointment today. I talked to her about my depression over the past week, and she just reminded me that one of the terrible parts of the disease is that it pretty much drives itself no matter what you try to do to push around it... so in other words, she was saying it's not my fault I was depressed, that I kept thinking myself into depressing moods; there was pretty much nothing I could do about it. Wonderful...
Anyway, we're adding more Seroquel for now (up to 200mg), trying to reduce racing thoughts (they really suck when they happen during depressions... kind of feel like riding a rocket down a craggly emotional cliff...)... and I'll probably have to increase my lithium dosage, but she didn't want to make that change until we try another blood test, which I have to do tomorrow morning since I'll be out of town next week. And she also gave me some 100mg samples of Wellbutrin SR, with orders to not use it unless I call her about my depression and she gives me the okay to take it.
Anyway, we're adding more Seroquel for now (up to 200mg), trying to reduce racing thoughts (they really suck when they happen during depressions... kind of feel like riding a rocket down a craggly emotional cliff...)... and I'll probably have to increase my lithium dosage, but she didn't want to make that change until we try another blood test, which I have to do tomorrow morning since I'll be out of town next week. And she also gave me some 100mg samples of Wellbutrin SR, with orders to not use it unless I call her about my depression and she gives me the okay to take it.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Just saw Finding Nemo.... Good movie... Funny... But...
*Spoilers ahead*
I don't have a quiz to tell me this, but I know that I'm definitely a Marlin-type person. The type that is nervous, that constantly worries about all of the dangers in the world, that focuses so tightly upon whatever person is in his life that it squelches them until they get mad and decide they want to touch that boat. Yeah, that's me. Except I probably don't have the willpower to follow the boat.
And the other things is Dorie... I felt sorry for her, and it was Marlin's fault. Near the end, Dorie dumps her heart out to him, but Marlin only cares about one thing, Nemo, even though she only has one thing that she cares about, which is Marlin. So she's at the low end of the emotional food chain, and it's my fault.
*Spoilers ahead*
I don't have a quiz to tell me this, but I know that I'm definitely a Marlin-type person. The type that is nervous, that constantly worries about all of the dangers in the world, that focuses so tightly upon whatever person is in his life that it squelches them until they get mad and decide they want to touch that boat. Yeah, that's me. Except I probably don't have the willpower to follow the boat.
And the other things is Dorie... I felt sorry for her, and it was Marlin's fault. Near the end, Dorie dumps her heart out to him, but Marlin only cares about one thing, Nemo, even though she only has one thing that she cares about, which is Marlin. So she's at the low end of the emotional food chain, and it's my fault.
....
hmm... wierd... I have a chance to write, but nothing to write about. Maybe I'm okay for the moment?
Anyway, gotta go to work...
hmm... wierd... I have a chance to write, but nothing to write about. Maybe I'm okay for the moment?
Anyway, gotta go to work...