The Bipolar Otaku

Okay, I'm not allowed to cook with Dave's Insanity anymore... I just burned off my nostril hairs and I haven't even finished cooking!

Oh yeah, and I've gotta pack tonight too... That will probably be a lot easier since all of my clothes are still in the laundry service.... I was supposed to pick them up today, but they didn't get them yet. Try tomorrow? But I'm supposed to leave tomorrow... maybe Monday... dang... But I guess repacking will be easy too!

Finally found out that I *do* have two extra tickets to John Mayer (my brother and his wife turned them down) so I asked her out. Gave her a call at work, talked about this and that, and asked if she's doing anything Saturday? Too bad, she's already going! eeek...

Oh well. Maybe there's a next time. I mean, she chewed me out for not writing back to her and told me I have to respond tonight. hmm...

Well... I got a response this morning. In her email yesterday, she asked if I was still travelling all the time. I told her yes, but at least I found a comfy hotel room with a kitchen and internet access. And (part of) her reply was "That's great about the hotel room! Maybe you can teach me some dishes. I'm getting sick of the old stand by - pasta." Now, is that just small talk or a quasi-invite?

Gotta stop thinking about it...

Oh yeah, almost forgot. The laptop deal kind of fell through... one of the keytops snapped off and I wanted it replaced before I bought it... but that meant replacing the entire keyboard. Oh well. I don't really need my own laptop right now, but it would still nice to not have to worry about using work's. Maybe I'll take another look at that AlienWare computer...

Don't know what I'm doing different, or how prices have changed, but when I configure a Dell or AlienWare that I like, I get somewhere in the neighborhood of $4-4.5k... maybe I'll wait!

Heh... The fridge in this apartment works better than I thought... I turned up the thermostat a couple days ago, and now I've got two freezer sections!

Decided to get my hair cut after work today. The same old 2 on the side, 4 on the top. But this time I told them to take off the sideburns, because I was going to shave the rest. Yup, no more goatee and mustache! Clean shaven, once again....

Well, so much for not thinking anymore today... I checked my email and... got an email that I wasn't quite expecting. I mean, It's been over a month since I responded to her last email, and I never hear anything... and didn't expect to... until now.

Anyway, I wrote a response. Maybe too long. Tried to be my normal, witty, charming self. (???normal???). Best not to think to much about it. (damn, too late...) I've got less important things to worry about. (yeah, I know. I said less.)

Went out drinking with some plant guys... pretty fun, except that we sat at the bar, which sucks when your sober. Ate more wings at the Winking Lizard. Didn't even break a sweat from the heat...

Then I went to Target and bought some stuff. Laundry bags (gotta take them in soon, like tomorrow at latest unless I decide to pick them up next week instead), some CDs (John Myier, Dashboard Confessional, Dave Matthews), some storage crates (figured I might need them to stow personal cooking stuffs), a cooler that plugs into your car cigarette lighter (to store the stuff that needs to keep chilled, because when I leave, I check out at 7AM and won't be able to unpack til around 5PM). Then I went to Best Buy to buy CD-RWs (because I don't have any at all) and DVD+RWs (again, because I don't have any at all).

Spent much of the day on the phone. Talked with one of my buddies from my old company and asked him a technical question and shot the shit. My brother's girlfriend called me to harp on me for not having plans for the John Mayer concert this weekend all planned out. My brother yelled at me for not pulling out my guitar (yeah, it's still sitting in the back of the van). And I talked with my brother's girlfriend's friend (who knows this guy who knows this kid that saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavor's last night; must be pretty serious [sorry, I had to...]) and talked with her about what to do for the concert on Saturday. And left a message for my other brother's wife to ask if she's going. And talked with one of my buddies from college who's mediating a deal for me to buy a laptop off this guy (who's gone anti-WinTel and bought a Mac and is trying to ditch his old laptop).

And that was that.

Pretty good day, I guess. Slightly on the manic side. Still tempted to go online and buy a fully decked out laptop. Was tempted to buy a 42" plasma screen (I'll wait until after I buy a house). Was tempted to buy a new VCR so I can try this trick that another buddy of mine was telling me (even though I've got a perfectly fine one sitting unused in my room at home). Was really tempted to order a French Whore at the bar (screw this soberity shit...).

Also spent a lot of time thinking about what I would say if I did another Masks talk at the SAFE retreat next year. What kind of shit would I spew this time? Bleh... don't want to think anymore today...

I'm watching the first couple episodes of Onegai Twins, the sequel to Onegai Teacher [US Site]. Although Onegai Teacher was really popular in the anime hubs, I really didn't like it. Basically, I thought the plot was simplistic and predictable and neither the characters nor the audio and visuals made up for it. But the new series just might be worth something... it has at least got interested in continuing to watch (which will probably get increasingly difficult if I stay on the road.) Anyway, so far, it's quite good. I'd probably give it a preliminary 7 (though I gave the first one a 4.5).

Went down to the hotel's dinner thing... They only serve 5-7pm and I used to always work til 7, so this is the first time I've been down there. They were serving brats and sauerkraut, with a small salad bar and a keg too! (as if I care anymore). The brat was okay and their sauerkraut was cold and tasteless. Anyway, I didn't eat much, mostly because I know that I still have fish in the fridge that I have to cook. I was going to grill it, but I'm not in the mood today... so what can you do with big chunk of salmon that you intend on microwaving? umm... butter is always a good start. what else do I have? umm... fresh basil! yeah, wrap it in basil, okay, then toss some salt and pepper on it and um... oh through on a whole bunch of artichoke hearts... nuke it for 3 mintues... and um... serve with fresh mozzarella! hehe... it's almost as if I planned it in advance... Tastes pretty good, actually... The basil didn't pass off quite as much flavor to the salmon as I had hoped, but you can't expect much in a microwave...

This is fun! I'm trying to sign up on that korean message board (why not?) but it comes back with an error in Korean, and babelfish tells me "To draw up in the normality, it wishes." Didn't know Babelfish spoke Engrish!

I finally figured it out. I was right. JJangwarez.com is a Korean forum (perhaps a popular one?). Someone copied and posted my review from APN and people have been following it to my blog. It's been around 600-800 hits so far.

If you can read Korean, check out "my" JJangwarez.com's thread.

If you can't try using Babelfish with the address
http://www.jjangwarez.com/zero/view.php?id=gongu_etc&page=1&sn1=&divpage=1&sn=on&ss=on&sc=on&keyword=dreistul&select_arrange=headnum&desc=asc&no=295
and using the Korean to English filter. Unfortunately, that translation is quite difficult to understand.



By the way, I still think I had the first written review worldwide, mine being posted on April 27, just cutting in right before someone on ArsAnime who wrote one on April 30 (nyah nyah [j/k ctmdl]). Then it didn't get released in Korean until July 17, which is why there is now a sudden rush for reviews in Korea. Another review (in case mine isn't good enough for you) is at AintItCool and read some variety of reviews and hype at GeekRoar.

Wait a minute... that jjangwarez forum isn't all mine... looks like half of the review was copied from Ain't It Cool! hmmph...

So busy talking, that I forgot to write my blogs for today... lets see...

Went to work. Boring. Very boring. Lunch. Back to work. Boring. Very very boring. Union stewart walks up to me and to ask if I'm a supplier and if I'm doing welder repairs' job. I explain I'm just reviewing things since there are no welder repair on any of my active projects. The electrician accusing me didn't even bother walk up to me to ask. Nice... I didn't take any offense or anything, but I can't concentrate on work after that. That same electrician asks me how to wire something. I show him then I leave.

Came back from work. Hotel room still smells of last night's cooking... I was planning on grilling out on the patio today (the hotel has a grill!) but it's thunderstorming out there... Heat up leftovers. Better the first time.

Turn on the computer. Hinata_gurl was on, so that was really cool and we got to talk for a while (it's been a long time). Started talking about pirates (yo ho!) and AMVs and 3D graphics... I just downloaded Blender 3D and Anim8or, both of which are free 3D CG animation programs. Maybe this time I'll do something... maybe.

I guess that it goes to show that I'm still really hesitant about taking on any new project or idea or anything. I'm just too afraid that I'll find out I'm just wasting my time. I'm too afraid that I'll end up just disappointing myself.

The moods are still changing too fast for me. Manic thoughts and depressing thoughts and plain old happy thoughts and sad thoughts just seem to flow together now and days fly by without while I've still accomplished nothing in particular. But what have I got to accomplish anyway? Who am I trying to impress? What am I trying to prove? What the hell am I doing?

heh... I forgot about yesterday at work. One of the supervisors asked if I was filipino, and pulled me aside to show pictures of his baby and wife (she's filipino). And he asked me "Are you looking for a wife?" I was quite taken aback by this and didn't know how to respond. "'cuz you know, she's got a lot of good looking cousins." I laughed and said I'm sure, but I'm only 25 and I'm in no rush.

Interesting topic jump... damn it... why that? why can't I just be fine on my own?

Oh yeah, one more thing... you should always remember to wash your hands thoroughly after handling spices and peppers. A little bit of oil in your eye will sting, but other places will burn... baka...

Well, my cooking turned out pretty well, I guess. I mean, it ended up being what I was expecting... but I think it probably wasn't worth the amount I spent in groceries to do it... cooking is fun, though, and I really haven't been able to cook much for the past couple of years, so it was kind of cool. But notes for next time: bring my own can opener; don't even bother with the hotel's peeler (it sucks); don't cook so much (I've got 3 days worth of leftovers).

If my neighbor's ever figure out who's cooking this, they'll probably kill me...

Since I was out from work early, and there's no one here to drink with, I went shopping... no new electronics or anything like that, but groceries! The idea of cooking was still floating in my head from yesterday, so I bought a whole bunch of stuff so that I can try to make my sweet potato curry (or die trying). Well, I've got a lot of work ahead of me... time to start cutting...

Never drink soy milk directly after drinking a milk shake. Bad things will occur...

Didn't go out drinking tonight... Pretty much everyone went home this weekend, so no one is around. One of the plant engineers told me about a thai place that he thought might be good, so I went there for dinner... The place is called Pad Thai (what an unoriginal name for a thai restaurant!). The place looked nice, trying to build up a classy-type atmosphere (but totally lost with all the casually dressed clientelle, like me). The food was good overall. Their Tom Yum soup had a really good vinegary/bitter taste to it, but they spoiled it by trying to overpower it with saltiness. But it was really hot also, but it was difficult to decide if the spiciness made up for the saltiness. But the mushrooms were tender, the chicken was perfectly cooked (though slightly too large chunks, in my opinion), and overall, the soup was quite good. The Masaman chicken I ordered was good also, though I forgot to order it hot (and they didn't have the courtesy of asking me how spicy I wanted it anyway), so the curry spice was quite bland after the soup. However the chicken was tender, the potatoes sliced easily (too bad the carrots didn't), and it did have a slightly sweet flavor which I was hoping for. I actually had it in my head earlier today that I would like to go to the grocery store and buy all the ingredients to make a sweet potato curry (ref. Figure 17) and I didn't even realize I was ordering potato curry until after I got it. Anyway, the sweet taste in the curry may have been from the coconut milk, but I thought it was from something else that I couldn't quite recognize...

Did I ever mention one of my many ambitions is to be a food critic? Other ambitions (that I can remember): a sommelier, a chef, a photographer, a journalist, a patent lawyer, a psychiatrist, a college professor, a high school teacher, a weapons designer, and a lazy (and filthy rich) bum.

Wierd... I just checked my site meter account... and for some reason, I'm getting dozens and dozens of hits which look like they are refered to my blog from a Korean warez search... Maybe it's got something to do with Wonderful Days (do you realize that I was one of the first people in the world to write a review?)... if not about that movie, then I haven't a clue what all this is from.

1:46am and I'm still up... starting to get a little tired, but definitely will have problems going to work tomorrow if I fall asleep... Tomorrow is going to be soooo rough...

Also, in case I haven't mentioned it before, tomorrow is supposed to be my last 12 hour day on this project... but the other guys might fight for us to keep 12 hour days... I'm not really in a position where I can argue yet. It would have good side (no more staring at my watch at 5pm saying "I want to leave NOW"), but it also means significantly less money (about 20% I think)... I dunno... I'll follow whatever direction I'm told to go really...

Well damn it's late... I'm wired though; I've been drinking Coke all night. We went out again, this time to a strip club. Good time, I guess... actually more because it was almost as fun just talking and listening to stories and stuff as it was to watch naked women dancing around. But the private dances were stilll fun, of course... and cheap too! $10 is a bargain compared to other places I've been to... not that I've been to a lot of them... but anyway...

I did do something bad... I basically started the night by stealing the first cigarette from my buddy's fresh pack and smoked it... had about 6 of them all night. Just because it seemed like a better idea than drinking...

Left my laptop at work, so I'm using the "Executive Center" computer... I need to end this quick since I have groceries with me too...

We went out again, this time to the Quaker Steak and Lube for more chicken wings... I didn't order the "Atomic" one's... Stomach still needs to recover from last night. Anyway, it's was "bike night" there, so there were a ton of motorcycles in the lot... I didn't have any compulsions to buy one, so that's good.

My head was kind today. Except for the fact that I was dead tired all 12 hours... I kept nodding off no matter what I was doing... Wasn't fun at all...

Anyway, that's all for today.

Well, went out drinking with some colleagues after work today. Went to the Winking Lizard, a local bar/restaurant that was packed because of the 25cent wings... Ordered the 911's which were hot; I had 5, probably could not have eaten 10, but really didn't taste all that good anyway, so why bother. Tasted a beer today... first time since April that I've had any alcohol at all. That place has a 100 beer beer list to earn a jacket, and my buddy was working on it (he has about 10 left) and I tasted the one he was drinking.... something like a Rasputin Stout or something like that... really strong tasting with a lingering aftertaste, but not really horrible... I just tasted, didn't drink more than a sip... wasn't really tempted either... but we spent the evening telling each other stories of this and that... an enjoyable evening, I guess... I just kept thinking back to how I have been the past few days...

Whenever I found myself in a mind-numbing situation (driving, typing in logic changes, talking with relatives, eating breakfast, etc.) I think that's when I started to drift into some la-la land which pulls me up, drops me down, and slings me back and forth...

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this anymore. I wish I never had it. I wish I could just have had a normal life... but what's normal anyway. I know I used to think (before I went to see a psychiatrist) that this disease was one of the few things that made my life interesting. Interesting isn't always a good thing. I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I don't know how to deal with my thoughts... Didn't it used to be so easy? No, I guess not. Back then when I didn't want to deal with it, I would just think up some crazy scheme of how to commit suicide... Did you know that a '98 Honda Civic could go at least 103 MPH? probably wouldn't hold together very well in an offset collision with a cement bridge support. Yeah, I used to think like that... Now I know I've got to live with my thoughts... But sometimes they aren't very nice to me.

Thoughts just seem to roll on and on... even stories tend to blend together (as you can tell from my blog)... I'm talking about one thing then, ---, and then I'm talking about the seat in the shower... lol... Reality sucks. At least mine does.

Okay, it's 4:40... I just woke up to my alarm clock and took a shower, and I'm ready to go to work... Except that it's only 4:40 and I don't have to work til 7... When I set my alarm clock, I took it for granted that time was set right, but of course it was an hour fast... damn...

You know what? as soon as I hit "post" on that previous message, I felt just fine.... I guess I'm just really swinging all over the place...

Well, what to say... I'm in the new hotel room now... not bad... Ceiling fan is going, as well as the air conditioning (set to 64 for now... to hot in here since I forgot to set it earlier today). Went to my morning meeting then drove down to the plant, worked a full day, took a quick shower (really nice shower... best shower I've had in a hotel room... even has a seat in there!), ate at a Chinese place across the street (that also serves Thai curry which was pretty good, though not at all spicy).

I had to take the minivan this time, since all the other pool cars were out... ah, I miss the heated leather seats...

I brought more stuff with me than last time... workout clothes ('cause I really should workout once in a while... eating out all the time is starting to show); all of my drawing stuff (including the new Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain kit that I ordered last time, oh but I forgot the watercolor set my sister bought me for my birthday); the computer and scanner and DVD burner and my Wacom tablet (in case I decide to convert some sketch into computer graphics); my guitar (in case I feel like practicing for once, but it's still sittting in the back back of the van, since I'm still too scared of the reaction from the other patrons); some computer games (including Shadowbane, which I haven't played in 2 months now); lots of anime (Azumanga Daioh, Tenchi Muyo [never finished either], some TeXhnolyze, some Narue no Sekai [but I'm 10 episodes behind], and Nadesico)

I've just discovered that the desk has a drawer and a pull out work space, but the workspace was on the left (as if southpaws really count... heh), so I just switched them over.

Can you tell I'm manic? But I had a depressing feeling on the drive down... I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but my mind tends to think in imaginary conversations. Sometimes the conversations are with people I know, sometimes with imaginary people, sometimes they are with myself, sometimes they are with my journal (or blog, these days). The productive ones tend to be the ones with myself, where I tell myself how to do stuff. The long winded ones are with my journal, kind of like I'm long winded right now. The ones with imaginary people are usually me pretending people would compliment me for whatever unimportant thing I'm doing at the moment. But the ones with real people I know... those tend to be the damaging ones... those are the ones where I do one of two things... Either it is a happy conversation that builds up my ego, that reassures me that that certain someone does or could have feelings for me; that I have a chance. Or it's a sad conversation that reminds me that I'm stupid, I'm not worth a damn, that I'm just full of false hopes.

Well, today it was the happy kind of imaginary conversation... So I had this thought stream going in my head. Imagining that I'm with this girl. Imagining that I'm hugging her, holding her... yeah, she always did make a great pillow... but then reality sets in. I'm just being stupid. I'm driving alone. She wouldn't feel that way about me. I shouldn't feel that way about her. Because I feel like I'm not worth a damn. The next time I see her, we won't be anything more than friends. The next time I hug her, it'll only be a hug. I'll never get to hold her hand that way. I'll never get to hold her that way. The thoughts are just false hopes.

Damn... this isn't what I wanted to talk about. I don't want to talk about it. I need to shut up... but I can't... I was just manic, wan't I? I wish I was....

I think I've just uncovered an interesting bit of self analysis... In the past, I've gone through periods where I would try my best to build people's dependency upon me (you know, showing how useful I am with this or how good I am at that, what a good friend I am or what hardworking employee...) but then something would change... and people would actually start to depend upon me, at which point I would fall under the pressure and try to back down from whatever responsibilities that people had now attributed to me. I end up not considering myself worthy of being depended upon. I know this has happened a number of times, like when I've been nominated for offices in band, youth council, and in my fraternity... And it happens from time to time in my family life too, like them asking me for advice on investments or borrowing money or whatever.. And this is where I try to move out. That's why I want my own house...

Plus the other about my anti-dependency mode is that sometimes it's not just that I don't want people to depend me, but it's also sometimes that I don't want to admit that I'm dependent upon others. I'm independent and self-sufficient (not).

But realizing that doesn't make me change my mind.... I still do have to get out of here.

I guess I need to say something about Slurpees while I still can... I've had 5 of them this past week, since 7-11 does exist here (stupid Ohio)... And what I have to say is - LiveWire makes an awesome slurpee! Yeah, the orange Mountain Dew is great... Regular is good, Code Red is okay (Minute Maid Cherry works much better), but the creamy orange flavor of LiveWire... Let's just say I've passed up Vanilla Coke for it...

Sad... that I actually take Slurpees so seriously... Well, I guess my wine connoisseurship needed to be directed somewhere...

That reminds me... I'm supposed to go to my cousin's housewarming... do I have a bottle of Champagne?

Found an interesting site on hot peppers and their Scoville ratings [Capsicum Chemistry and Scoville Units]. Incidently, I generaly don't taste the spice from anything less than a cayenne pepper... and I need a lot of tabasco sauce to taste any sort of heat, so I generall stick with scotch bonnet hot sauces and always order thai food hot. Habeneros make some good spicy hot sauces too... But most people seem to disagree with me on the matter. Can't imagine why...

Hmm... seems my blog has gotten enough votes (at least 15) to be rated, so with 17 votes I'm at 80%... The other day I was sitting at 14 votes with only 1 - I hate it, but now I suddenly have 3... so 2 people decided to screw me as soon as I got enough of a vote count.... stupid motherf---ers... lol.. actually, I really don't give a s--- but it's still interesting that it happened...

Just started (and finished) a book... romantic, funny, cute, depressing, uplifting, insightful, funny again, all of that... And it's from the author of one of my favorite books, too.... This book is The Dot and The Line: a Romance in Lower Mathematics by Norton Juster (author of The Phantom Toolbooth, which is only partially responsible for my messed up thought processes. Anyway, this is a small, short book, well worth reading, about a straight line who's in love with a dot, but she's dating a crude squiggle. Sounds like everyday life to me...

Wouldn't it be fun to have a job in weapons research? I think that's the kind off job I want. Just as long as I don't ever have to see the weapons being used. That would suck if I decided to have peoples lives on my conscience... The other problem would be that anything I did would surely be classified, so I would never get to talk about all the cool stuff...

I guess I'll have to live with a normal job for now...

Wouldn't it be cool to build a helicoptor? I'm watching ZOE right now, and they have some neat little twin side-by-side rotor aircraft that would be cool if I could build... uh oh... don't want to get started on that... Well, it wouldn't be that tough, would it? would have to figure out some sort of thrust to rotation speed ratio for different rotor sizes, estimate the amount of thrust I would need to generate given the size of vehicle with passengers and cargo, figure out how to power such a rotor using motors or engines or whatnot, and design a body to go around that... simple, right?

okay, I'll stop there...

Went to church right after getting out of work today. Sat there thinking about how I really wished that someone in particular also would come in this mass and would sit with me. She didn't. Then I got mad at myself for thinking that anything could happen. Then the sun started glaring through the skylights and shined right at my head... I kept thinking, you know if I was manic, I'd probably find this meaningful (e.g. "We're on a mission from God" - Blues Brothers), but as I am right now, it just pissed me off. Seriously. And then I was back on thinking how stupid I am for thinking that I could foster a relationship with this girl, then I got mad at myself for thinking I'm not good enough and on and on and on... bad loop of thoughts...

On my drive out to Novi, I was listening to some Boxcar Racer again. Letters to God wasn't quite as sickening as it was last time. But this time I was focusing on There Is.

Artist: Boxcar Racer
Song: There Is

This vacation's useless; these white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone; our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me, I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought on how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy who loves a girl

Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Why: Well, first of all, I always think about how to decypher this song.... What were they trying to talk about? Well, I've always imagined that this song is about a guy who gets sent to a mental institution, hence the useless vacation and unkind white pills (antidepressent or antipsychotic or something? dunno). I'd have to think that it was his girlfriend who sent him there, which can be extrapolated by the "you sweared you love me more" line. Whether or not she still loves him is kind of what's at question. He wants to send her a letter in response, but he's writing in response to an old letter (the notes she had sent before which he kept). He, of course, still seriously loves her. So basically he's using the memory of her as an shield from the realities of his loneliness.

Next comes what I think about how it applies to me. When I first heard this song, there was someone who I thought felt a lot of the same hang-ups and let-downs and whatnot... and felt equally disillusionned about how life is and should be and all that... so this song still makes me think of her. But now... she's in a happy world. I'm not... so for me, the song seems like it should say "There was"...

Went out drinking with my friends tonight. Well, okay "drinking" for me meant Coke while they enjoyed their beers and cocktails. It was me, a guy I went to school with, a couple of his friends, and an older alumnus who we used to hang out with, over at Fifth Ave in Novi. I tried to call my old roommate also, but I only got his voicemail. I've only been there once since I moved out of Farmington Hills. The crowd was interesting to watch, the band was pretty good for a cover band, the weather was nice, and the waitresses made nice scenery. I can't stand the dance clubs, but bars where I can sit around and peoplewatch, I simply love, especially when the women are hot. Too bad I don't have the balls to introduce myself to them.

The bar still has the fish tanks, though they removed the minature shark... I was told it got to big for the tank... It was only 2 1/2 feet long two years ago, but I can see how it could have out grown the 8'x4'x6' tank pretty easily in the last 2 years. They did have what looked like some sort of big eel, which might have been the tiny one that they used to have.

Stayed there for 4 hours, just drinking Coke. Was very tempted to order a drink, but when I tried to think about what I would drink if I could only order one drink, I couldn't ruled out most of everything that I could think of. So I didn't order anything. But, if the Skyy Vodka girl had given me a free shot (I was in the bathroom when the Skyy Vodka guy giving away free shots came to our table), then I would have drank it. But I did get a free Zippo! Marlboro was surveying for their next-gen cigarette, and giving Zippos to anyone who would talk. So I told them I smoked Camel Lights (my preferred when I _do_ smoke) and got my Zippo. Just need to buy some lighter fluid...

My brother and his gf gave me Zone of Enders, Dolores i for my birthday... well, at least the first two discs. I haven't watched the series, but I've heard it's pretty good. I'll probably watch it while I do laundry on Saturday/Sunday...

Got something in the mail today... Silver VIP status from Hilton! That means... umm.. what? uh... 15% bonus on points I guess... Too bad they'll have to send me another card by the middle of July... I'll have earned Gold by then, which will get me Executive Level room upgrades at Hiltons and a welcome gift at the Homewood... And Diamond will come in September, I think... Sad, in a way... That means I'll have lived in a hotel room for more than 60 nights of a year by that point...

*sigh*

Went to Barnes and Noble today to do a favor for someone, and I saw a couple of teens checking out the manga/graphic novel section... one of them was going through a whole bunch of them as if trying to decide what would be good. I was thinking about offering a suggestion, but I wussed out and went to get a frappucino instead.

huh... I didn't even mention my dentist appointment yesterday... 2 hours long! She scaled and cleaned the left half of my mouth and put a temporary crown on the other side, so 3/4 of my mouth was numbed up with novocane for most of the day. sucked big time...

Turned down tickets to Bon Jovi on Sunday. Need to do laundry and pack and stuff. Or did I just want to not go? No, I want to go, but I think I've got too much to do before I leave on Monday, especially considering I work on Saturday also. I hate it when I act responsibly (j/k).

Thanks to some brilliant one-track-minded Canadians, we now know that Stonehenge is just a big pussy [CNN].

I've been trying to figure out why I want to buy a house... What's this "not my home" stuff that I'm spewing out now? Part of me remembers that I moved back here just as a temporary measure until I found a job that I intended on keeping for a while. Part of me wants to go back to being more independent. Part of me just doesn't want to be depended upon anymore. Part of me thinks that I'm just trying to close myself off from everyone else. Perhaps my mind wants to force me to be alone and depressed.

I'm thinking seriously about buying a house next year. Gives me about 10 months to put aside some money for a down payment and clean up my credit debt. One of my coworkers buys houses and fixes them up said he'd start looking for something for me. I don't know....

Anyway, I'm thinking about it more seriously especially after coming home from Ohio.... It just felt very foreign to me... it's not my home. I have a room here, and it has most of my stuff. But it's not my home anymore.

And I wonder how much this will screw my sister and mother... even together, I don't think they can afford to keep the place, considering taxes and repairs and whatnot. I already pay the electric bill and most of the taxes...

But whatever... I need to move again. I just do.

Okay, this is funny... The latest search hit for my blog: "yahoo freaky adult black chat, butt rooms". LMAO...

You know, a funny thing happened to me today...

I always feel like saying that, but really, I've got nothing funny to talk about... That saddens me...

I was thinking today... if someone asked me how I was feeling right now, what would I say? I think I'd say "I'd rather not think about it." Is that a bad sign?

ooh ooh ooh... Stephen King is releasing Dark Tower #5!!!!!!!!!!! Man, I've been waiting years since for the next one... The worst part is that he's gone as far as to say that he might not complete it before he dies... then what would we do?? Anyway, I usually don't pre-order books, but this one I definitely am.

Funny... Best Buy sent me their new points program card "Reward Zone"... heh, okay, for every $1 I spend, that's 100 points... 12500 points gives me a $5 certificate... and it's $10 to join? So you have to spend $250 to break even???? Maybe if they sent me the card 4 weeks ago, I'd have broken even... but at this point, it's just a ripoff....

Also went out to dinner with a couple of friends from college. One's pre-law and the other is in an engineering role and builds race cars. Nice to catch up with them from time to time.

Saw my psychiatrist today. The office is normally closed this week, but she openned up for me since she knew I wouldn't be back in town for another month. I told her how I did while I was down there. Kind of manic the first week. Kind of depressed the second week. Really depressed the third week. Kind of recovered the fourth week. She commented how anyone in that kind of situation would be in a lot of emotional distress (as some of my co-workers have told me before) and that I seemed to have handled myself fairly well considering...

No antidepressents yet... but I've still got the stash of Wellbutrin in case I start getting down again. I need to call her if that happens. And I need another blood test, to verify my Lithium levels... I'm sure they'll be low, since I think I got my blood drawn early last time... It was supposed to be 12 hours since taking my night dosage, but I'm sure I took it at 11pm the night I drove back, and that there was no way I could wait up from 7am when I drove into town to 11am to get my blood drawn... but then again, maybe I took a nap and woke back up that day.... Anyway... I've also got another increase of Seroquel, up to 250mg now. I didn't even think to ask why, probably because my wanting to be hyper all the time...

She also told me to try to stay on day shift. I dunno... sometimes I liked nights better... certainly easier to set my schedule, but also less to do, which is bad when I need something to distract myself from being depressed. She suggested that I try to find a social group down there, also... maybe a church or church youth group or an interest group or something.... I've intended to go to church before, but always forget come sunday... She told me that I should pass on holidays in the future.... maybe... we'll have to see...

Well, I just took my new Seroquel dose... increases always do make me drowsy, and this one is no exception...

I was going to make a post and say, whatever happened to SixDegrees.com. It was kind of a interesting concept, you get an email from one of your friends saying they are trying to track people knowing each other and that you should join and sign up everyone you know. They were trying to prove the theory that everyone in the world knows each other within six degrees of freedom, so you and some random person anywhere can really track the people you know and the people they know and you would find that you're only 5 people away. I was a fairly active user there, and they had decent chat rooms I guess, but I never really got many people to respond to the spam-like message they sent out. Back then I probably had the username Maui or some derivative thereof, and everyone always just assumed I was from Hawaii... Those were probably the first time I'd ever used a chat room, and probably the only time I ever found a reason to say "ASL check". And in the chat rooms, the closest I'd ever met in a chat room was 12 degrees away. Met some interesting people though... found some of the same ones online over and over again... Some of the people I met there, I don't remember their names, but some I can't forget my conversations... like the 13 year old Canadian girl who kept asking me for my picture (I never sent one... I just kept thinking that I don't want to seem like one of the internet pedophiles... But I also wonder whatever happened to her) or the my-age Indiana girl who was really into cars who told me "I'm looking for a boyfriend. Do you have any questions for me?" and I promptly replied "What would possess you to find a boyfriend on the web?" (I can be cruel, can't I?)

They shut down like 4 years ago, because it generated no money and ran no advertisements. Anyway, to the final point, I just noticed their site http://sixdegrees.com is back up as a coming soon, with what looks like the old logo they used to have.

Forget about the Matrix 2... You have to watch: Ping Pong Reloaded! Those crazy japanese...

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Wonderful...

Among the list of things I don't miss about being home: People asking me for money...

*breathes* ahh.... put too much hot sauce on top of my leftover thai food... never realized how much my tolerance has dropped...

Had a dream last night that someone had broken into my house, went to my room then messed up my pill dispensers.... putting beads in one that has small pills in it, putting cheerio's in one that has big pills, breaking some of the capsules, etc. They had done it to complain about my use of drugs. Guess I'm still convinced that people don't understand why I need to take them. Probably fed by the fact that I replenished my pill case just last night, or by the fact that I always have to explain around why I don't drink, which always leads to an uncomfortable discussion.

Working while I live at home is wierd.... and day shift sucks... I don't want to wake up in the morning... 3rd shift just seems so much more natural, even though I haven't been on it for a couple of weeks.

Went out tonight, to celebrate my and my brother's gf's birthdays (July 8 and 18, respectively). Dinner at Mongolian BBQ, always good. Drinks afterward at Woody's.... eh... Very not my style... it's not a club like the Post is, but it's still too bar-y.... And it just reminds me that I can't drink, even though I really really wanted to. I miss Grey Goose and tonics, French Whores, Bass Ales, Cabernet Sauvignon, Lemon Drops, even Jaegermiester. It actually drove me to want to smoke, but how is THAT allowable if drinking isn't? Besides, I know I would have just lit one after another for the rest of the night... so I kept resisting the urge... And good thing no one mentioned marijuana... I probably wouldn't have been able to resist.... That would have been a very very bad thing... Even though I do miss that too...

But the other thing I kept thinking was, how am I supposed to hook up with someone like this? I find it near impossible to break my introverted skin without alcohol to loosen me up. Can't dance, can't talk, can't meet people.... not without looking horrible uncomfortable at least... and I only look that way because I am horrible uncomfortable.

So I look around the bar again, now knowing that the only person who will be remotely compatible with me is going to be in the same situation... group of friends, and one of them is horribly uncomfortable with being in a bar. Wouldn't that be interesting? Two uncomfortable people trying to talk to one another... of course so uncomfortable that neither of them can hold a conversation? no, that won't work either.... what I wouldn't do for a cigarette...

They were going to go to the Post. I went home. This is just not the venue for me to try to meet people...

There was a friend I had in high school... a really good friend. She used to always tell me "We need to find you a girl." And I'd say something like "Okay, that'll be easy." She'd always say "No, we need to find you a good girl." And I'd always say "Yeah, I know. I'm talking to one."

I look back and say that I was in a hopeless love. She looks back and says she never knew I had a crush on her. The difference in perspective still boggles my mind.

And I came home to more to-me-from-me un-birthday presents, many of which I forgot I bought... nothing unusual there either.... I haven't bought my birthday present yet because it's still waiting to be built at the factory... gotta remember to call the dealership Monday.

You know, I used to think that being drunk with a credit card left me with a lot of questionable purchases afterward... I can assure you, it wasn't the alcohol; I'm much worse now... The reason that I bring this up is that I've got a fairly nice (yet not extravagent) wood-handled corkscrew (probably a $30 purchase) that I only use to open up my deliveries...

Oh, and the drive home was uneventful... except I once again tried to take a shortcut around a construction site and found myself buried between five other ones... so what's new...

I did something mean... I wasn't even home for 15 minutes when I got my sister addicted to a cool online game: Insaniquarium

What was it that I used to tell some of the incoming freshmen about my health... I used to be pretty consistant about it too... I predicted that I'd have a heart attack by 27, an aneurysm by 29, a brain cancer by 30... no, that's not quite right... but you get the picture... and it's not as if I have no basis for expecting to have such conditions in my lifetime... I mean, my dad had 2 heart attacks and also had a slight case of diabetes. My mom has high blood pressure and asthma. My grandmother (father's side) had cancer. My grandfather (mother's side) was bald (okay, not life threatening, but still...)... I'm not sure about the rest of the genealogy, but as it is, I already know I've got almost every allergy imagingable, I've got asthma, I've got bipolar disorder, I've already had a growth in my neck that had to be cut out, I've had my appendix rupture... and now I've got a tic and I occassionally see like a flashing light in the corner of my eye... ah... time to shut up and pack.

Reality TV must STOP. 'nuf said.

Oh, yeah... other news... um. I'm staying at the Homewood next time... so I'll be surfing the internet while my food burns on the stove... umm... A friend of a friend is trying to sell a laptop and I'm trying to buy it (without putting me way back in debt or anything, like a new laptop would do).... umm... I still have no clue on how to do my expense reports, so I gotta ask my coworkers how to do them "right"... umm... I've got to pack tonight and check out tomorrow morning so that I can be home for dinner... and umm... hmm... not much else I guess...

1000 came and went... Someone searching for a template maker for Shadowbane... I think that's the second search for it in the past couple of days, and Yahoo's search only gives 14 hits... Oh well...

12:15... I'm still up. I'm wondering if it's because I'm thinking about something too much (the color orange, but that's just an extremely obscure hint of a clue), or if I just drank too much caffeine...

My brother told me that he and my sister were talking about what to give me for a birthday present... and my sister made the comment "What do you get for the guy who buys everything he wants." I think the real problem is: what do you ask for, knowing that everything you want they can't afford?

Oooh... cool! Some time tomorrow morning (or maybe even tonight), I'll be getting my 1000th visitor... As I write this, I'm at 991, and I've been averaging about 18 each day, and I'm near that average right now... So, if you're "that person", leave me a comment! Even if you're looking for the bittorrent of something or another and don't find it here (because I don't have any torrents here)...

So, I went to that hotel and the talked to Activities Coordinator (I think) and told her about the amount of time I'll be staying down there and asking if we could work something out... and after talking to her manager, she took me on a personal tour through the facilities and one of the rooms... They're obviously trying to accomodate me... the rooms are nice enough... but they are still charging a little bit more than what my coworkers have negotiated down at the Sheraton and over at the Embassy, so her manager will have to call me tomorrow...

This hotel is starting to feel quite bland....

I completely forgot to mention... I found all of the Hoshi no Koe/Voices of a Distant Star answers for the cell phone game. I posted all of them them (clues, answers, links, and what's there) up in the APN forums, in this discussion thread.

CTMDL... You should check out my latest topic in the APN forums... Completely pointless, but I really miss those kinds of discussions. Maybe that's what fuels my blog writing! Finally, I've figured it out...

Hmm... wierd... at 8:25 today, a whole slew of people (at least 5 different computers) went to my blog, all of them from the Blogger main web page.... makes me think that someone's doing some sort of blog contest that I'm completely oblivious to...

So, happy birthday to me! 26! Woohoo....

Work was kind of interesting... actually have to design something (which really means cutting and pasting from a whole bunch of different references, but that's engineering for you)...

One of my coworkers offered to take me out someplace downtown tonight, but my other coworker said he couldn't make it tonight but probably tomorrow, so I just said lets just do something tomorrow.

So, I went to Damon's alone and played some trivia and ate dinner... Then I heard all the wait staff in the back room clapping in synch and I resisted the temptation to look around and look for someone who might have recognized me and known it was my birthday... but sure enough it was for some little boy who had his birthday too (probably 9?)... So, no big scenes, just a mediocre prime rib (it was much better last time), some fatty ribs, and a second place score... actually I thought that was pretty impressive considering I started 5 questions late... I was only 800 points behind Chacha, which I found out was actually a family of 5 (2 kids, a 20-something, a 40-something, and a 60-something) and considering it was 60's and 70's trivia, they had a lot going for them...

So, so far it was a pretty not-bad birthday...

I figured out what's wrong with day shift... I don't know when to sleep!

Okay, start out with my 7-7 night shift... 8:30am I sleep, 4:30pm I wake (8 hours), 5pm dinner (2 hours for dinner and 'travel), 7pm I go to work, 3am I debate about going to lunch, 7am I leave

My day 7-7 schedule... 11pm I sleep, 7am I wake (8 hours, but late for work), 8am I go to work, 12pm I go to lunch, 8pm I leave, 9pm dinner (1 hour), and 1 hour of mindless blog rambling...

I just never get to sleep at the right time! Never! Too much I want to do... I guess on night shift, I always kept my schedule limited, because I knew quite well that if I missed a time, I'd be tired at the wrong time... on day shift, I just kind of assume that I'll be lively when I'm supposed to be, but never paying attention to going to sleep when I'm supposed to... oops, it's past 11...

No corporate discount for Homewood Suites... rooms are like $139 per night, and I think that's more than I can expense... damn...

Oh well, what would I do with a kitchen anyway? The fridge and microwave will be good enough... Besides I need to drop my hang-ups about eating alone anyway... i don't know why it's even an issue right now.... it wasn't that big of a deal last week...

Hey, thanks to anyone who reads this.... obviously my head wasn't letting me have a good night last night... can't really think of much more to say than that...

I'm posting another blog entry. Why? Well, because I'm bored... Funny... I've got the entire internet at my fingertips and I can't think of a single stupid thing to do besides type in this box, in essence talking to myself. That's what this is all about isn't it? This is in fact an online journal, which I'm just using to type my thoughts in the off chance that people might actyally car to read it. But I know... they don't... takes too much time, especially considering I type so much... anything substantive I write about gets indiscriminately pushed down and out of the way by whatever pointless entries that I make. ah screw it... and screw everyone else too... I'm going to sleep...

I found another hotel that has both high speed internet AND a kitchen! The Homestead Suites Hilton up on Solon... Solon is just north of the town that I'm working in, but the only problem is that the backroads from the hotel to the plant is at 25MPH road that's under construction (yeah, it's NORMALLY 25MPH, those slowa-- Ohians) and I haven't got a clue to get to the hotel from the expressway. Also they're miles bonus aren't as good for this hotel, for some reason... It's probably so that they won't compete with the Embassy Suites (another Hilton brand) but unfortunately the Embassy Suites's around here haven't gotten modernized yet... anyway, I drove past this hotel today (taking the backroads and getting lost) and I might use it for my next 2 2-weekers...

Oh well... I'm not really that depressed, but hearing the song made me want to write it up... anyway... back to Azumanga Daioh... I'm sure that'll cheer me up...

Speaking of which, I went grociery shopping... I was looking for those veggie chips, but could find them... those would have reminded me of something more cheerful, even though maybe they shouldn't.... anyway, hummous and spinach dip should be cheerful enough...

Oh, and eating while watching this series... very dangerous... I've almost choked twice already and I'm only on episode 9.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this song, but I know I have to. It makes me sick to think about it, but still I couldn't stop playing it.

Artist: Boxcar Racer
Song: Letters to God

Lyrics:
caught off guard
all worked up
the air is as dark and cold as night
let me go
i'm not done
i swear i'll take this