The Bipolar Otaku

Well, my lithium-induced hand tremor actually affected my job the other day. Well, I was using a teach pendant on one of the robots. The teach pendants have this trigger (a "deadman switch") in the back, which is used as a safety procaution, so that if the pendant is dropped or squeezed upon, it will stop the robot. Now that deadman, for legal safety reasons, is checked with dual circuits, and if the circuits get out of synchronization, it makes an error in the robot. That error should only occur in the event of a hardware failure. It occured in my hand. Basically, the tremor was squeezing and releasing that switch so quickly that the normal deadman fault wasn't occuring, but it ended up tripping the hardware checks! Argg.... Good thing I usually don't have to deal with running those robots...

Ohaiyo Gozaimasu! That means "Good morning!"... but the literal translation is, "It's early!" And it is very early...

I really should have gone in early today... Then I wouldn't have been there when the other guy came in on the project I was working on and started completely re-writing the software I wrote... He asked me if I minded, and I said that I didn't... And at the time I didn't... but after that I got bored and started thinking about it more, and changed my mind... I'm pissed. Well, no, not really... I'm just pissed about being bored.

And worse, in the back of my mind, I also recognize that if circumstances were different, I wouldn't have been there at all... But I also know it's not fair of me to say it...

At least I'm getting paid... better to earn money than spend it, right?

Well, I went to sleep early last night (7:30) with the intention of getting up early (3:30ish) to go to work early (5ish) so that I could get out of work early (1ish)... But since all of my plans for the weekend fell through, I decided to sleep in (6:30)... It's been a while since I got that much sleep...

It's 6pm... I'm eating and getting ready for bed, so that I'll be up early for work tomorrow. The boss guy at the plant called my boss and told him he's keeping me [working] over the holiday. And my boss told him to tell me to go ahead. And the reason I accepted this at all? So that the company will continue to pick up my expenses! And the plant guy told me it's fine if I go in early, work short days, and leave early. So I'm going in early.

But, the question is, is my brother still coming down or not? After all, they just bought a house... and its starting to sound like an expensive trip to come down and visit me... so they might not. If they don't, I'll work longer hours. If they do, I'll work shorter hours. I'll manage, either way...

Don't you hate it when you forget what you wanted to say? There was something on my mind all day long, and then I forgot what it is...

Understanding Management: Lesson #58

Consider a situation where you have X number of people on a project. Your boss tells that you only need half that number. What are your options? Tell them they have no idea what they're doing? Political suicide. Ignore the change? Grounds for dismissal. Go to their manager and complain? Tricky, and not always possible. Do what they say? Yup. BUT, you have think before you move people off the project. Look at the people you have, and sort them by your confidence level in them. If you want to prove that their idea was good, keep the top half on the project. If you want to give it a fair chance to fail or succeed, take a mixed bag. If you want the idea to fail as quickly as possible, keep the bottom half on the project.


Although I'm not in any decision making capability whatsoever, but I still see this happening... Makes me laugh, but pisses most people off because they just don't see it... But I can't really explain it too them either, because I can't insult the bottom half.

Funny... When I came back from the grocery today, I got in the elevator and hit the button for the 4th floor, just like I always do. The problem is that my hotel room is on the 3rd floor this time... oops.

Didn't even notice that Ginn finished making her quiz:



Uh... okay... but maybe that's not to far off the mark...

And I'm still up... booked a room in Sandusky, need to go back down to the desk to extend my stay through Sunday, talked with everyone for a bit tonight, wrote some posts at the APN forums... and I struggle to keep my eyes open... gotta wake up tomorrow... so I should go to sleep... definitely on the manic side...

But maybe it's a good thing I was up. Lightning just struck near here and the power went out for a split second and the alarm clock was blinking 12...

lots of things to write about...

My sister called me this morning; guess she had a big fight with mom. I found that I couldn't find much to say to comfort her. I asked my brother to check up on her. Almost feels like I passed her off, and I feel like I suck for doing so.

My brother and his girlfriend are coming down this weekend to surprise me. At first it was kind of awkward because I would still have to work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, and they would be down here, so we could hangout at night and stuff. I went to work today and the plant guys if they would need me to work all weekend (maybe they wouldn't want me in there one day, you never know), but they said, yeah, I'll be here every day. Bummer. Then my boss calls and asks me if I want to work Saturday. In Warren. Yes, in Michigan. What???? Guess the other guy got scheduled to stay the weekend. Screw that, I'm not driving home just to work Saturday. I left him a voicemail saying that I don't want to drive home this weekend, and that I'll just stay down here. Gives me time to go to Cedar Point!

One of the welder repair guys invited me out for a drink. I went. I had a Captain & coke... well, only half of one. It's the first time I've had more than a sip since May... Anyway, he basically just wanted to pull me aside and tell me I need to talk more and get to know the guys better, because that'll be the only way they'll ever really accept me and tell me what the hell is going on down there. I guess I lurk too much. Well, bad habits die hard. But I'll have to try.

Now, I've got to figure out where the hell I'm staying this weekend...

While I was at work today, I saw a guy reading Popular Science. I haven't read that magazine in a long time, but I still think it was one of the most influencial magazines that I ever read. That, and Games magazine. But anyway, it got me thinking about how that magazine may have influenced my umm... Jack-of-all-trades-ness, because in it, it crossed so many branches of science and made me always want to be master of pretty much all of them so that I could create and build whatever the heck I wanted to.

And somehow that got me into thinking two things: 1) I should subscribe to that magazine again. 2) I should create a section in my blog that talks about all of the crazy-ass schemes that I've come up with over the years, how long I've stuck with them, how much they've costed me, and what level of expertise I ended up with. Yeah, that would be interesting. I'll do it... um... maybe tonight maybe tomorrow... I'm tired.

Okay, now, I've checked in, eaten dinner (an asian place up in Cleveland that a co-worker recommmended; not bad), and unloaded all my stuff into my room. Since I have Gold VIP status now, they gave me a package of cookies (Pepperage Farm Milano's) and a couple bottles of water (Ice Mountain). eh... whatever... Once again, they couldn't upgrade me for the entire stay, but they did offer to let me change into the king size room as early as Thursday night. Well, I told them that I'd move Friday night, so I'll have the weekend and all next week. Part of the reason I said that is because I'm not even sure if I'll be here this weekend... the plant is supposedly blacked out, so I might not be allowed to work the holiday... We'll see.

Anyway, I'm a little disoriented right now, because the room this time is the mirror image of the one the last two times. Plus the desk drawer is on the right hand again and the pullout writing surface is on the left. This'll be the third one I've changed... It baffles my mind why they oriented all of these desks to southpaws...

I finally got my DVD disc back (Nadesico disk 4, which was stuck in the player during the power outage). I was thinking about trying that VCR trick tonight, but I don't have any coax cables, so I don't think I can do it. Maybe tomorrow I'll pick a couple up. Everything else I need (a screwdriver and needlenose pliers) I think I have on my keychain leatherman thingie.

Oh yeah, before I leave, I have to send out my RSVP for my friend's wedding. I'll actually be in town that weekend! RSVP.... hmmm... 1 person, chicken... but wouldn't it be a blast if I invite the ex-non-girlfriend? Oh man, would that ever start some rumors... or fights... or something...

Note: if you don't get my sick sense of humor, the ex-non-girlfriend is actually his ex-girlfriend... and I was the one that she confided in after they broke up... I think back then, that some people held them breaking up against me, but no one ever really said it to my face.

Ever wonder what I did last night? I read 3 volumes of Narutaru manga, went to sleep at 4:30 and woke up at 7:00... So I'm out of Narutaru to read, and I'm quite obviously running manic...

Watching Chasing Amy... still hilarious, though I forgot how raunchy it really is. I think I realize exactly what it is that I like about this movie, well, at least the first half. It's because the first half of the movie is like the ultimate friendship/impossible relationship thing that works out... But of course the end is completely... umm... bizarre, non-sequitur, something...

well well well... it's 1:30am... and obviously I'm still up... Didn't even get to take my seroquel until 12:30 or so... that's a looong movie. Just kept on expecting it to end.... I mean it was pretty good, but there were many earlier endings that could have been made... And it was all like: guy rescues guy, guy rescues girl, girl rescues guy, guy rescues couple, girl rescues group, girl rescues 2 guys... I mean, it sounds like the "Wanted Ad" section in the Metro Times...

Anyway, I'm awake, I'm restless... And I need to work tomorrow! And pack too! Well, I guess I have to figure out exactly what I unpacked and what new stuff I want to pack too... But not tonight... Tonight, I'll... umm... do something... until I'm tired.... then I'll look at my clock and say it's time to go to work... hehe... wait, that's not funny... but it'll probably be true... otherwise I'll miss work altogether....

I'm tired... but I'm going out to see Pirates of the Caribbean with my cousins. Sounds like another "late" night... Recently, it seems like I can't wake up if I'm up past 10... God I'm getting old...

Well, my brother's girlfriend got pissed (jokingly of course) that I didn't reply to her comment, so I replied to her comment! o_-

And my brother is still trying to figure out who I was talking about last Sunday... reading my starvathon post, it seems pretty obvious to me... she was part of 4 or 5 bullet items I described back then (plus the theft of my Slurpee, I should add), though it might not be immediately obvious, especially considering they came and went a lot. But I will say it was my brother's girlfriend's [good] idea to bring out that book...

And then he introduced this idea that one of his friends does, called 8 minute dating... basically a whole bunch of singles are gathered at a bar/restaurant, and rotated around have 8 minutes to introduce themselves to prospective partners and find out if they might be interested in each other... The idea sounded interesting, but after thinking about it for a few minutes (while shopping for my cousin's birthday present) my anxiety level went up... for one reason, I have no reason not to consider this, except for being a wuss and still thinking that no one would ever be interested in me. But what the hell would I say?

Okay, the not-cool search hit of the day: "How to turn a guy down" I'm the 5th hit.... that just sucks...

Went out after work today, with some old coworkers... they fired up their boats, went out to Gull Island, and cooked up some burgers on the beach. Traded stories about how work is... laughed about their management's political situation (I'm still laughing). I was thinking that I need to buy a boat eventually, and now I think that eventually needs to be sooner. But it's definitely a post-house thing, so it'll be a couple years still. One of the guys bought his 19.5 footer for only $10k, and that doesn't sound too bad.

Anyway, I had to keep telling them to not try to write me off, to not treat me as a customer... Don't think it worked. At least I chipped in for gas and food (even if they didn't think I did) so I don't feel bad about it....

God, it's late now... How am I going to get up tomorrow?

Took my Seroquel as soon as I got home today (around 7:30) so I'm really tired already.... My brother and his girlfriend came by and we sat around and talked... well, she talked and I did my best to stay awake...

I spent some time driving around aimlessly after work today. You would think that it's just because I've got a new car. But it's not. You might think that it was because it was a bad day at work. But it wasn't. Maybe you would think that I just wanted time to think. But I didn't. Honestly, I can't say for sure why I was driving around aimlessly... I just know I didn't really want to go home yet. I just threw Miles Davis (Kind of Blue) in the CD player and let it play... I think I should stick with Jazz for a few days... I could use some time listening to songs with no lyrics. Yeah, I'll just blame all of my little depressive episodes on the music I choose to listen to... okay, so maybe that arguement doesn't hold very well... But who cares... I don't think I do.... that's not good either... *sigh*...

New dosages of Seroquel typically drove me to sleep faster the first night I took it. No noticable affect this time... Maybe I just don't want to go to sleep quite yet... because... well, I dunno... maybe I'm hoping someone will get on AIM in the next 5 minutes or an interesting discussion will start in the APN chat room or maybe I'll find soemthing interesting if I keep flicking between the same few sites... Oh well, I should try to actually sleep or something I guess... was soooo tired at work today...

But on the same note, I wonder what in the hell I'm doing teaching a Confirmation class in a Catholic church... I bring this up because I was talking to the Confirmation coordinator earlier today since I volunteered to help coordinate the facilitators, and she mentioned something about how there were some comments last year about how facilitators had simply expressed opinions rather than basing their answers on faith... and a few hours after that conversation I now wonder if our opinions are not shaped by our faith, what exactly is this thing that people are calling faith? Besides that I'm also thinking that I may very well have been one of the people who earned such comments in a discussion with one of the small groups where I said something to the affect that how you believe in Christ doesn't necessarily need to be the bodily descendent of God, but if all you can accept is Christ as a symbol of your beliefs, isn't that good enough? Well, I'm sure if a priest had heard that, I would have gotten some talking to....

Well, really, what is it that I believe in? In the past, there is a good chance that my belief in God was mania driven, so I really can't use past experiences of... umm, enlightenment(?)... as a basis of my faith. Instead I have to say, I believe that there is a God, I believe he had a son, born of the virgin Mary, and I believe he died for our sins. But when I say it, do I believe in it? Too easy for me to doubt that...

So what do I believe in? I can start with the easy existential stuff, like I believe I am. I can go add some spirituality and say that I believe there is a higher power. But after that... what is it? Is it good? Is it holy? Is it righteous? Or is it just self serving and pragmatic? Does it have a sense of humor? Does it consider us as just a source of humor?

So what is it that I'm supposed to be teaching, I ask myself... Maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons... Or maybe I'm doing it so that I myself learn in the process...

And Shepards we shall be.
For thee my Lord for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy Hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.

In nonmine Patris, et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti

- McManus family prayer
from Boondock Saints

Yeah, got my tee shirt and rosary... Awesome movie, you've gotta see it.

The funny thing is that I'm sure I could wear this shirt to church without anyone second-guessing it... That's probably half the reason I bought it, anyway.

Talked with my brother today. He finally put a bid down on his house. A little over $200k. Very cool. Next year, I'll probably be on the market for a very similar house...

Then he mentioned that he was reading my blog and asked me, "So, who's the girl you were flirting with on Sunday? I told him he didn't want to know. "Do you mean I don't want to know or you don't want to know?" Yes, to both, I think. "Oh. Nevermind then." Oh, but her really doesn't know who it is? "No." Well, if he read back into the blog, it would be apparent. "I haven't gone back that far." Well, it goes back to Starvathon. "Ah [I think he figured it out]... well, keep talking to people, you'll find someone..."

I'm sick of this condescending crap... you're a great guy, you'll make someone really happy one day [frequently said by various friends and their wives]... you'll find someone and you too will be so perfect together that it will be sickening [brother's girlfriend, yesterday]... you never know when you'll find the girl of your dreams [from my therapist today]... I'm sick of hearing all that shit... but whatever....

But I almost forgot about Sunday before he mentioned it... It's no coincidence that I went to buy a Slurpee soon after... Yeah, I dripped some on the seatbelt of my new car. oh well, it was going to happen sooner or later.

Psych appointment today. Said that I'm doing pretty well overall, with the exception of random episodes of depression. New dosage on lithium and seroquel.

Recently, it has occured to me that I always seem to really befriend people with one common trait - they always like to talk. Which I guess really works out pretty well because I usually hate talking but really like listening. So there it is.

But then there are the ones that I like talking to.... well I guess I should say "talking with". When I realize I've come to that point, it usually strikes me as really wierd sand I usually wonder what it is about that person that makes them different. And if its a girl, I start wondering if we could hit it off. But so far, that has been the cause of the demise of many an otherwise good friendship. Unless they don't notice, in which case we end up in a situation where I think I'm in love and she doesn't even think of me at all. So that's the deal, I think.

A sad pattern, if you think about it...

Well, finally got my new car!!! Yay! As I got into it the first time, I realized that this is actually the first time I've been in a Sebring. I'm a little disappointed in a few little things, like no autostick shifter thingie and no climate control, but over all I really like it. I could have bought a much nicer (ie much more expensive) car, but it wouldn't have made much of a difference in the long run, so it's cool.

This seems to be the only song I've wanted to listen to since sometime Thursday.

Artist: Dashboard Confessional
Song: So Impossible

Lyrics:
So she says, "Everyone's going to the party.
Won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom
Wearing the smile that I'll bring you
I was hoping to learn a few things, like...

Do you, do you like dishing the dirt on the whole class?
Talking the big smack?
Or playing the fool?
Or wearing all of the latest fashions?
Or bucking the new trends and wearing your old threads?
Or if you like coffee in the evening
These are a few things that I'd like to know
That I'd like to know."

And so I say, "I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in.
And my friend isn't busy. He'd be happy to join me.
And maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off.
Or maybe we will.
I'm dying to know...

Do you, do you like dreaming of things so impossible?
Or only the practical?
Or ever the wild?
Or waiting through all your bad, bad days
Just to end them with someone you care about?
And do you like making out?
And long drives?
And brown eyes?
And guys that just don't quite fit in?
Yeah, do you like them?

So, yes. I'll see you there."

Why: After listening to their unplugged album how many times, I finally figured out what it was about and looked up the lyrics Wednesday night. And it just seemed like a conversation that I always hoped for... with her... or her... or her... or her... It seems like such a hopeful song, even though it also reminds me of bad one-sided relationships because I've never had a conversation like this. But that duality seems to be part of the reason I like it. And it cheers me up too, kinda.

But I guess there's more. For example, even if this power outage hadn't happened, I was still planning on not working this weekend, even though my boss offered. Why? A couple of parties to go to. What was I hoping for at these parties? I don't know. Something fun. Something interesting. Someone finding me interesting. Someone who thought I was fun. Church today pretty much blew my expectation, I think. Oh well. Shouldn't have had expectations there anyway, I know that. Anyway...

My router is acting wierd.... keeps cutting off my laptop from accessing the internet... which meant that it worked long enough to log on to AIM, but when I tried to talk, it was dead... dammit... they're gone now... wonder if I pissed them off... I really wanted to talk to them too...

Went to a end of year Confirmation-facilitator party-thing this afternoon. I sat in the sun talking to the other adult facilitators while the teen facilitators played in the pool... Just went to remind me that I'm one of the adults, not one of the teens. I prefer not noticing that fact, normally...

Went to church today... I got there a little early, so I grabbed a cup of coffee in the reception hall to kill a few minutes. And as I stood in the hallway looking at the bulletin boards, I saw the shadowy figure of someone I've been dying to see for a long time. I gave her a hug and said something like "long time no see". and chit chatted a little bit... she went into the church to sit down. then I noticed the incoming crowds and realized I wasn't quite as early as I thought I was, so I dumped my coffee and went to find a seat. When I saw her off in the back corner sitting alone, I decided to ask if she was there alone, like I was. Her boyfriend was supposed to be coming. It figures... I somehow knew she had to have one... but even if I know that there's no way that I'll ever ask a girl out, I'm still disappointed to know that they have a boyfriend or husband or whatever... Anyway, I took a pew in front of her and we continued talking until her boyfriend came.

But I went through the mass thinking as little as possible, until the point we "show a sign of peace"... for most people that's just shaking hands, but in the youth group and confirmation circles, it's usually hugs. She stuck out her hand for me to shake, with this smile on her face... I shook her hand and just laughed to myself... or was that at myself? whatever...

I dunno... I thought we shared a moment back then. I guess it was just a moment. But, I'm okay with that.

Interesting stuff to write about... I just came home from a barbecue... everyone has their own stories from the power outage... I kind of like telling my lighter stories... A lot of people had their "what's there to do?" stories... like my brother who picked up the PS2 controller and hit buttons as if he were still playing... Or my cousin and his family who gathered around a small battery powered DVD player... Or my cousin's mother in law who went to her son's house even though they were out of town because he had running water.

The big news is that someone I know is getting divorced. That just really sucks... I don't even know what to say about it... I mean, I've known him for quite a few years, and I've known her for my entire life, and the kids are a lot of fun to play with... and the situation is just so.... sucky... to think that she cheated on him... it sucks....

It became abundantly clear why both my sister and I are constantly frustrated when dealing with my mom... She's just so unthinkingly callous and offensive in whatever she says. Of course she doesn't even realize it. But listening her and my sister trying to talk just... i dunno. My sister has been on the defensive for months, thinking that she isn't good at anything, that anything even minorly pointed that my mom says gets an immediate counterstrike. I guess I do it too. She said something about me going to fast (I was under the speed limit) and I just went off and told her to back off. But by writing about it, I'm sure my sister will read this and ask for clarification... And I'm not going to want to answer, so I really need to stop talking about it...

But if it's ever pointed out to her that what she says is mean, she lays out the "I'm a bad mom, you won't have to deal with me for long." guilt trip. And she's tried that so many times that I really don't even hear it anymore.

Do you ever stop and think about when you were younger, where you thought your life would have led you by now?

Like 4 years ago, I figured that by this age, I'd be working at a corporation, in a position that I'd still be working as an engineer, but slated to get a management position soon. I'd have my own house, and in the cellar (I wouldn't call it a basement) would be a massive wine rack. I'd be overworked and working on my MBA on the side.

And 10 years ago, I figured that would be working in the semiconductor industry, working on research and development for next generation processors.

And 13 years ago, I figured that I'd be in med school right now, trying to focus in neurology or psychiatry.

And 17 years ago, I figured I'd be dead. Can't you tell I was just a happy-go-lucky 9 year old?

Overall, I think I like my current circumstances best. But I know I still have to look out for tomorrow...

Hmm... my computer... powered it up for the first time in 2 weeks... no longer has any sound... kind of wierd since the speakers show that they're on, and the wireless headphones are plugged in directly to the sound card... so either I ripped out all the cables when I took out my VCR two weeks ago, my drivers are screwed up, or my sound card is fried... Just hope that it's not the last one.

Well well well... Two days worth of blogging to catch up on. Needless to say, seeing as I was staying in a hotel near Cleveland and I live near Detroit, I had power outages both in down here and up here. It all happened at around 4:15... I noticed all the lights in the plant dimmed, but all the machines kept running. I thought it was wierd but nothing to be concerned about. Then a coworker of mine and I went out to eat just south of there in Hudson. They had power too. We watched the news to find out that everthing had shut down. Akron was down 20 miles south of there, Cleveland was down 20 miles north of there, but Hudson and Twinsburg were up. Unfortunately Solon was down, so the hotel was dead. I considered spending the night watching movies in the back of the Pacifica, but the disc I wanted to watch was stuck in the hotel's DVD player. Dammit... I had to tell the front desk to make a note of it, and that I'll pick it up a week from Monday.

It was kind of wierd staying at the hotel without power. It was fine the first night because they had emergency battery-backup lights. But those were dead by morning. I had to bring most of my stuff down to my car from my 4th floor hotel room using the stairs on Thursday night. That wasn't too bad, except that I had to take 4-5 trips. Also, I found a real appreciation that the hotel had windows that would open. Sure, it's a just a few inches, but it kept the room cool through the night. But checking out on Friday morning was going to be difficult since they didn't have lights in the staircase. All I can say is that I am SOOO glad that I had finally bought lighter fluid for my lighter... the phrase that I came up with while going down the staircase with my last load of luggage was "descending the stairway, guided by the light of a Zippo." The only reason why I came up with phrase at all is because I often find myself thinking as if I were writing my blog, and I thought it would sound cool... eh....

I talked with my brother on the way home... he suggested I buy some gas tanks because the Detroit area gas stations were still down. So I did that and drove home. Traffic on the expressways was clear... easiest drive home I've ever had. But of course traffic lights were down too, so they all become 4 way stops. I've got to bitch about people not understanding what a 4-way stop means. It does not mean that if the person in front of you goes, that you can go too. It means that the person in front of you goes, and you stop at the sign and wait your turn. I got cut off by TWO people taking left turns (they rolling stopped at the sign and I started to go before they decided they need to go NOW) and it really pissed me off.

My brother stopped by yesterday with his girlfriends and her little sister (oh how I'd love to be 18 again... but I think I'd prefer to forget what I knew now, but definitely would want to make the money I make now). They were probably here to bum gas (it was his idea anyway). Mom offered ice cream (which was soup, but still pretty funny). Her parents had power before we did. And so did my brother and his wife. What a pisser.

I thought I heard yesterday that the governor of Michigan was declaring a state of emergency, even though FEMA had specifically stated that it was NOT a state of emergency, merely a state of inconvenience. I think I agree with the inconvenince thing. This probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for all those New Yorkers sucking up electricity like crazy. I liked the Candadian prime minister's immediate "blame the U.S." press release; very very funny... Okay that's about the most politics as I want to talk about here. But I guess they were finding some anomolies in the Lake Erie grid where an entire transfer circuit switched directions almost instantaneously, which I'm sure would wreak havoc the fourier equations that they constantly calculate to balance the grid. And that's about the most mathematics that I would ever want to talk about here also.

So that's the story. Not much else to say.

I've been watching a new anime called Narutaru, which is based on a manga by Kitou Mohiro. Basic premise is that this girl finds a creature which is star shaped, and she calls it Hoshimaru (round star) because stars you see in the sky are round. But then she starts finding out about other people who have these creatures also... and what they do with them. It's all draw to look like a standard coming of age type of anime... but it really has a lot of psychological overtones and is starting to look more and more like a horror... probably the darkest anime I've seen since Now and Then Here and There....

Like I said, it was based on a manga... in Japan there are at least 8 volumes published by Afternoon KC right now... but in the US, all I can find is that it was serialized by Dark Horse under the title Shadow Star... so basically, if I want to read it, I'd have to by a whole lot of issues of Super Manga Blast.... oh well... I'm sure they'll put out volumes eventually... Oh wait, here are volumes 1-4.... click, click, click, click, click, bought.

Anyway, if you watch anime, try watching this series... right now it's being subbed by Triad and AonE, who happen to be some of my favorite fansubbing groups... [Bittorrents]

hmm... so when did I go back to being an anime reviewer?

Well, I'm pretty sure about what's keeping me up tonight... my stomach is wrecked... my cooking for the night must not have settled very well... Maybe it's the Chipotle's burrito that I had for lunch. Or last nights cooking even...

Whatever the case, I think I'm too the point where a lot of hot foods, I can't taste the spicyness but I can definitely feel it... like my stomach doesn't have the same capacity for spices that my tongue does... ugg...

And eating raw vegetables in any form (usually salads, but tonight I was eating asparagus)... though they might taste good (raw aspargus is probably the best raw veggie I can think of), don't settle digest very well either... It used to be much worse when I drank a lot... Like when I would eat a salad for lunch and drink at night, I always managed to puke after just a few drinks...

oh well, I guess I'll be up for a while... good thing I have my own bathroom...

Well, sure enough, the first phase of my sleeping issues took affect... I tried to sleep and couldn't even shut my eyes... doesn't help that I didn't take my sleepy pills... Damn... they usually take me a couple of hours to feel drowsy, so I'm pretty much screwed for the night.

I've noticed a bad waking pattern that has developed... First off, I usually try to go to sleep around 10pm. I usually toss around restlessly for about 20-30 minutes before I give up and decide to either go back to the computer, watch some tv, or (if I can't find anything interesting on the tv) I start another anime episode (still watching Nadesico). Which means I go to sleep somewhere before midnight. My alarm clock is set to 5:30 and I wake up to it arond 5:40. And I stare at it for 5 minutes. Decide that I need to get out of bed now or I'll fall back asleep. Then I decide, no, I'll stare at the clock for another 5 minues, I have the willpower to not fall back asleep. And then I wake up at 6:30 (hand still on the alarm clock, which is off), so I have to rush through everything.

At least it's better than my habits at home, which is to just sleep through the alarm clock entirely.

I've been driving a Pacifica for a couple of weeks now. This is actually the 7th car I've driven this year, for any significant amount of time (Intrepid, Liberty, Neon, Civic, 300M, Caravan, and this one). It's a really really nice car. All leather seats, heated in front and back. Dual climate control. 6 disc DVD changer. Back seat DVD screen (argg... can't watch it while driving..) In-dash GPS navigation system (which I need to find out how to bypass the safeties so I can type in new destinations while I drive). The only problem with it is, that it's too much of a family vehicle... it is a station wagon, no matter if you call it a tall wagon, a crossover vehicle, or whatever.

I wonder when my Sebring is coming... still waiting...

A guy at work told me about this laptop that one of the programmers had. He told me it had a detachable MP3 player and was just the bomb as far as laptops go... And the company is Sager, and their top of the line looks pretty sweet... plus at $2400, it might be a better value than some of the other ones I've been considering, like the ones from Alienware, Dell, Toshiba, and HP.

Oh well, by the time I can buy a laptop, I'm sure all the next generation features will be out... 17" widescreens , 800mhz FSB processors, and 80GB+ hard drives should be appearing in more and more notebooks, pretty soon...

Went to dinner with a couple of the guys from work. Finally saw the Sheraton some of them like to stay at. NICE... but they don't have high speed internet access, so I really can't stay (sane) there.

had a wierd dream last night. My two brothers were buying a house together, somewhere in northern michigan. The house was huge] and old looking, like a 5000 sq ft red brick house on a 10 acre or so plot. The town was very remote, and the only thing around was a general store place that was directly in front of the house. But part of the deal on this house was that the real estate company was building a huge castle on the property. yeah, a castle. it was huge, and it looked like it was connecting ot the old house through a under-hill passage. But there was some history about the old house. I couldn't figure it out... I kept thinking that the house must have been the oldest building in the town, so it had to have been something important, like a church or something, though I knew it couldn't have been a church. I think my brother kinew, but he wouldn't tell me.

The other problem with the area was that parts of it are flood valleys... like there was a huge river that had remains of old buildingins in it, as if the area flooded, and an entire valley got wiped out.

Just a really wierd dream.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately... for days... tossing and turning for hours sometimes... not good, especially when you consider that my body now is pretty well tuned to require at least 7 hours of sleep, and I'll completely ignore alarm clocks to make sure I get that much....

I go home Friday. I don't know if I'm excited for it. Which is to say, I'm not that excited... I'll be back for a week. I'll probably have to follow pretty strict timeguidelines at the plant I'll get assigned next.

And I found out my schedule for September... I'll be home for a whole 2 weeks in a row! Don't know if I'm excited about that either. I guess I'll be stuck at home again sooner or later.

maybe I'm just tired... or maybe its just a sinus headache making me cranky.

When I got back to my hotel today, I saw a guy that looked like he was struggling with his groceries. Knowing what that feels like, I offered to help, even though I was carrying in my laundry. He didn't really need help but it was kind of interesting talking to him. He's been in this hotel since July 15 and will be here for another 4-5 weeks! My 4 week stay is nothing... Apparently, his house got wrecked in the thunderstorms back in July, and his insurance is rebuilding he house and paying for his stay here. A lot better than getting holed up at a Motel 6 or something... but it still sucks.

Oh, yeah, had my laundry done today. Went to another place... Two medium sized bags, done in 2 hours... Much better than the "It hasn't come in yet, can you try coming in tomorrow?" the day before I'm supposed to leave. And half the price too! $1.00 per pound... Not that bad a deal, really... Guess it depends what you figure your time is worth...

You're very very depressed. Not really. You want to
look depressed so people will pay attention to
you. You're not manic Depressive. You don't
suffer from Melancholia. You're just a sick,and
you're probably Histronic.You sick bastard.All
you want is for people to love you,because
you're too stupid to go out and make something
of yourself.Let go of the pity party and go be
a cheerleader. You're about the same.


How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well that's funny... Oh well, maybe I'm just insane...

I've often thought about making this into a cooking blog, where I talk about what I'm cooking and the cool little cooking tricks that I make up as I go... but I think I'll save everyone from the horrifying details...

Okay, my sister's here. Just went to the chinese place across the street for dinner, Handel's for ice cream afterward.

Things are okay today. Work felt long. Spent some time talk with one of the hotel receptionists, who goes to Oakland University, near home. It took her a little while to remember having talked with me before about her going to school there, and it was kind of funny watching her finally put it together.

5 more days of work... then I'll get the weekend off and I'll be at home. Not much time, still have a lot of food I've gotta cook before I let them go to waste...

Have you ever wondered if peoples' expectations of you are too high? I have. A lot. More and more frequently over the past few years.

I can't really explain it, but I can go back in my past and think of times where people thought I should be doing a lot better than what I did at the time. Like in 7th grade concert band, I was last chair, but everyone knew that I could play at least as well as the 2nd chair in the clarinet section (sure I could play the music, but I always lost it on scales; besides, I didn't really care). Or junior year, everyone expected me to run for Drum Major and people pretty much assured me I'd win (I quit marching band; decided it would take up too much of my time since I wanted to go for co-chairperson at CYO). And speaking of that, I was nominated as a candidate for a co-chairperson at CYO (I never turned in the paperwork, so never went through the discernment process, mostly because I didn't think I could do it). Or Junior 2 at GMI, I was being pushed for president of my fraternity (I pushed the fact that I would rather be pledge educator and lost both elections; I was later told my cockiness that I'd get one office or the other did me in; I really preferred the idea of not having an office). Or my mom and sister both think that I'm a good cook (I'm not that good a cook; I just like experimenting, sometimes it works great, sometimes i don't tell anyone about it).

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I think it's the job. I got brought in because of my knowledge of the controls processor and networks that my company is using now... and I'm finding more and more that, that isn't what's important to know in the job.

And besides, in general, people usually pretty much take one look at me and say, he must be a smart guy (geek, nerd, etc.), and leave me to just be that person. Or really, I let them keep that impression...

sleep... really have to sleep...

Well, I guess I should at least mention... It's been two days in a row that I forgot to take my morning dose of lithium. A bit of a mix up really... I woke up this morning, put all of my pills for the day in today's pill dispenser, but then I forgot I was supposed to take the morning ones right then. Oh well. I think I'm doing fine anyway. Well fine is relative really. A little down. A bit twitchy.

Oh yeah, that reminds me... One thing that I noticed a few days ago is that in order to hide the lithium hand shakes, I usually keep one hand doing some sort of deliberate hand motion (tapping on my leg, fingering a song that I used to play on back in marching band, spin my bumpcap around) and hide the other one down at my side or behind my back.

I feel like I've done something wrong, but nothing comes to mind. I go home on Friday, but the idea doesn't hold a particular appeal right now. My sister will be stopping by here tomorrow, also. That'll be cool, I guess. Maybe we can go to dinner someplace that I never felt like going to alone. Anyway, I think it's time I go to sleep...

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow.... My brain is too fried and it's going to be soooooooo boring and no one's going to be there.... wahhh....

got home from work. can barely think... ehh... so sluggish today...

Ooh, I guess it's quiz time.... (yeah, okay, so I copied the idea from Ginn's blog... so sue me)


You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess neither of these is suprising. But the odd thing is that lately, every emotion seems fleeting... like if I just look at something else for a minute, whatever I felt a just now is completely gone... And that actually saddens me. I want to hold on to my self-pity for a while, thank you very much! And when I'm manic I want to stay manic for a while! I want to be jumpy and hyper again without dismissing it every few minutes.

And this whole manic depression thing is really starting to get to me these days. I don't want it. I don't want to know about it! I just want life to go back to being simple. Why can't I be just happy or sad and leave it at that? No. It just floats back there, saying, you're feeling the way because of this, or you're feeling that way because of that. That thought came about because you were in this swing, or you did that because you were in that swing. Can't I forget it? Can I go back and choose the blue pill?

I sometimes wish my life was more like one of those quest games. So that I could have saved right before a crucial moment and done that thing differently. Like the ex-non-girlfriend for example, she would ask me again and again if we were friends, and I said that we were just friends because that's what she wanted me to say... and I ask myself, what if she really wanted me to say we should develop closer relationship? Dunno, too late to find out. And what about that ex-coworker of mine, should I have asked pointblank if she would go out with me and say that if she said no, it'd be cool and we could still be friends, instead of her just putting off sending me a response because she doesn't want to lead me on but doesn't know how to say it without playing the game? Or what about... well I'll not go there...

Got a phone call to remind me about the confirmation facilitator end of year pool party next Sunday. Should be cool. I'll actually be in town, so it'll be even better. Wonder who will be there... okay, so I'm hoping that someone in particular will be there, but I don't know why since I don't really think anything will happen anyway.

Took a look at my work schedule for September... I'm down here the last week of August and the first week of September (working Labor Day? probably) but after that, it's blank. Considering there's three of us on the project and it looks like they want two of us here at a time, it'll probably be a two week down, one week back rotation from here on out. No more 4 week benders, I guess... But I don't know how far out they'll keep us down here... Maybe they're expecting to only need one at a time by the end of September? Doubt it, but you never know...

It's kind of funny, the way the maid service works here... you know those little facial towels? Well, when I checked in on Monday, there were three in a little basket with all the complementary toiletries that I don't use. Two days ago, there were two. Today, there are three. I haven't used a single one of those towels, so I'm still wondering why one disappeared...

I'm finally getting around to watching the Animatrix. It's basically a whole bunch of short animated films, each telling a different story about the Matrix, like a prequel to the Matrix Reloaded, the history of the man-machine war, betrayals (like Cypher in the first movie), earlier stories about Trinity, a haunted house, a lab trying to retrain robots (putting them in a matrix of sorts), a high schooler rescued (remember the tagalong in the second movie?), and other ones I can't remember. And they are directed by different animators, like Square USA (Final Fantasy Spirits Within), Shinichiro Watanabe (Cowboy Bebop), and Peter Chung (Aeon Flux)... All really cool stuff. Go watch it.

I almost forgot to write a post today... and for some reason, I think that would have been a good thing.

But, too bad, I really can't think of what to write about anyway. Well, I finally got enough of a anime share to get into AnimePlanet. Well, at least the second or third hub, which is good enough, because they've got a joint chatroom. Good to talk with the old gang again...

Interested in knowing what the post I won't write was? Well, read the lyrics for Hands Down and mix in a German ex-non-girlfriend and some wine. Should be obvious enough.

Well, I held up my promise to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I didn't really feel like going, but I still went. There was a post I really wanted to make about couple of songs (Hands Down by Dashboard, Comfortable by John Mayer), but while I was there at the museum, I realized that I should just let it go... actually I was inspired by an song intro by U2 (who was the main exhibit right now) in which he said "This song is about letting go of someone you don't want to let go of. It could be a lover, maybe a father, a brother, a child, whoever, anyone." I didn't much care for hearing the song that followed (the bass was WAY to loud in the theater) but the message seemed important. That in itself may be a sign of mania...

Anyway, getting back to the important stuff, the museum was way cool. Saw all sorts of neat stuff that I can't even begin to talk about from artist that I can't even begin to remember. And the building itself is really funk-ily organized but is interesting in that respect. There was even an exhibit about the best album covers that never happened (like the album got cancelled or they did something else) and one of them was a Phish album cover made by Kurt Vonnegut! That was way cool... my old roommate would probably kill someone to get that. That reminds me I should call him up sometime. Anyway... they had a cafe there which really didn't have any food to speak of (hot dogs, frozen pizzas, pop, beer, and one last piece of cheesecake) but they had a deck outside looking out on the lake. So, needless to say, I bought the last piece of cheesecake (nothing special) and went outside and watched the boats and listened to the live band that they had out in the front of the building (Uncle Spreker's Gospel Review or something like that that I've never heard of).

And I looked through the gift shop and thought about buying souveniers, but I don't know HOW to buy souveniers (or spell the word for that matter). Funny, seeing how much I love spending money, I always don't know how to spend it on others... Besides it's against my nature to buy souveniers because they always seem like such a waste anyway. Like, "I was here once." or "I know someone who was here once." Let my buy you dinner or a movie ticket or something cool that you might actually remember instead of some glass or something that you later in life look at and say "Where am I supposed to keep this?"

I wonder if the hotel's ISP is freaking out right now.... I've got 8 BitTorrents, Kazaa Lite K++, and DC++ all going right now... I'm trying desparately to get a big enough share to get into some of my favorite DC hubs...

(NOTE: No music protected by RIAA is being traded by me) hehe...

Well, I spent about an hour practicing the guitar... I started going through a learning book that I found in my brother's old stuff in the basement. Basically it's just starting out with finger plucking... I always loved hearing finger plucking more, anyway...

The whole experience reminds me of back in middle school when we were supposed to practice (clarinet was my instrument back then) and I always lied on my practice card.

You know what I kind of want to do? Go out and get sloshed. Just go to a bar and start ordering shots. Mind you, I still intend on not drinking. Just like, throw them over my shoulder or something and pretend I'm drunk. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? well, maybe... except for the not drinking part...

something about today was simply difficult. Not the work. Not the hours. Just being here, not home. Or maybe it was just being here, and not still at that concert.

I was also disappointed that I didn't get a certain email. Well, maybe I shouldn't have been expecting one, should I? But maybe she was just too busy today. Whatever the case, the late afternoon dragged...

Let's see... what's going on?

I'm back in my hotel room in Solon. At least it's a different room this time, but no upgrade was available, sadly. I guess it's good for them, that business is doing pretty well.

I overworked today... probably not supposed to, but there was too much to do and I was too deep into it. Oh well, I also got there later than I expected, and I can't even figure out how I lost that much time this morning.

I'm eating takeout chinese. Not that anyone cares... From Hunon Solon. Not bad, but not as even near as good as Canton Chinese up in Fenton. I miss that place.

I picked up my laundry from last week... actually the only clothes I brought with me this time was my dirty laundry bag. I figure I'll get those washed this week... just gotta find someplace cheaper... and more prompt.

My sister now has a blog. [Emmarld.blogspot.com]

I'm trying to evangelize Almost Famous right now.

I'm deciding what the best way to bring my guitar up from my car is, considering the back elevator is not working.

Trying to figure out how I'm supposed to find time to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame if the hours are only... oh wait, it's open til 9 on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I should go this Wednesday... hopefully I'll have time...

can't think of much else... ooh fortune cookie! "You will make a sudden rise in life."

I've been trying to resist posting another post because I really liked the last one. I liked that I was really happy for that moment. Moments pass. That's not saying that I'm depressed right now, it's just that I'm not where I was last night. I kept waking up last night. Finally woke up around 11:30, and took a shower and rushed out the door to get to the 12:30 mass early, but I found out when I got there was actually a 12:15 mass, and I still made it on time. I guess I don't exactly know why I went. Hoping to see any general friends that I haven't seen in a while maybe, or maybe hoping to see someone in particular, or hoping to get some sort of special message, or just hoping that I find something that would push me towards mania rather than depression. But while I was there, I couldn't help but think about the kinds of anti-religous attitudes I've had in the past. The sermon was focusing about spritual things rather than worldly possessions, and even though that tied into my past too, I pretty much found the sermon easy to ignore, which probably wasn't a good sign either.

So I spent much of the time looking around. And I recognized a couple of the teen facilitators. Even the mother of one of them, but not her daughter. She was probably working, which is too bad because she is always fun to talk to.

And I spent the rest of the time trapped in my own little world, daydreaming and reminding myself that those daydreams won't come true. Over and over... I dunno. I guess I was in a wierd mood, really, just trying to balance reality with whatever ideal world I really wanted. I guess there's a saying (I can't find the origins of this saying, but George Carlin quotes it from someplace else, and Buntz's blog is what brought it to my attention) and the saying goes like this: If you scratch a cynic, underneath you'll find a disappointed idealist. It's been floating in my head for days maybe weeks, but I haven't had a reason to write about it yet. But it pretty much explains me in just one sentence. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not bitter; just disappointed.

Well, for no reason whatsoever, I felt better a little bit after that last post. Maybe it was that the anticipation for the concert finally kicked in. Then I was just anxious for my sister to get home so that we can leave and meet up with everyone and go.

So, the concert was Counting Crows and John Mayer. The group going was me, my sister, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, a couple of her friends, and her friend's boss's boss. Seven. I bought eight tickets, and didn't find out until too late that there was still one left. Dammit, my other brother could have gone if I knew in advance... Plus I'm out $45... oh well.

Anyway the concert was pretty cool. I'm not sure who the opening act was, but he sounded pretty good from the food stands. We ate a couple of pizzas ($15 each!) and went to find a spot to sit. The lawn was packed, and all we could get was a tiny little area on the top of the hill, so basically we had no view at all. And according to the weather reports, it was supposed to rain. But right behind us, there was another beer stand/deck thing, so we didn't have to go far for refills.

The Counting Crows were good. That's a lot, considering I've bad mouthed their live performances since I heard them two years ago, when me and my roommate saw Live! and Counting Crows at the same ampitheatre. They absolutely sucked at that performance. So needless to say, at this concert, they far exceeded my expectations.

John Mayer was really good. The only problem with his performance was that he played a few songs from his NEXT album, and no one knew the song and considering it was kind of mellow, it's kind of hard to really get into it. Kind of more of a jazzy sound on his next album from what I can tell. I already had it (and Dashboard's next album) on order, in any case.

But the coolest part of the concert, the one thing that made it soo awesome, was his encore. By that time, the deck had already cleared out, so I was standing up on the railing of the deck which had a GREAT view of the stage, even though it was so far away. And then he played "No Such Thing" and I sung along and literally screamed at the top of my lungs. Well, at least as loud as I could sing while keeping in tune. And THAT was awesome. I left extremely happy.

Even though I never got to see my ex-coworker (aka my brother's roommate's sister) that I tried to ask out. Had I thought about it, we could have traded cell phone numbers before hand. Or if I was obsessive, I would have gone to the bottom of the lawn and walked back and forth until I spotted her. Instead, I kept my eyes peeled, but didn't expect to see her. I still don't think that anything would come of that anyway. I'd probably just figure out that she doesn't know how to say that she's not interested in me. I think that's what my brother's roommate's story about her being "a player" is supposed to mean. Keep in mind my brother's roommate is a bit... um.. I don't know how to say it... how about... off kilter. I guess his explanation about a player is someone who doesn't know how to turn a guy down.... and it makes me wonder if that explanation was refering to me, when I kind of tried to feel whether or not she'd go out with me earlier this year... I got a very wishy-washy response that never said no but definitely never said yes. So right now all I've really got is that she got mad at me for not responding to her email when I called her... so maybe I'm just a good reason to waste some time writing personal emails. I don't know. I don't know if I really care right now. I got to scream at the top of my lungs. That's what matters right now. That and I'm wired at 1:00 in the morning. oh well.

If you could change things in your past, what would you change? That you let your spending get out of control? What you wore that one day at work? What you said on to that girl at the wine tasting? What you said to your roommate? That you woke up late that one day and got in trouble for it? That you drank too much that one night? That you didn't drink enough on that other night? That you let yourself fall for her? That you didn't ask that one girl out? That you talked about someone behind their back and they found out? That you hit on your buddy's girlfriend? That you bought that expensive camera? That you bought that expensive computer? That you let your friend run up that expensive tab? That you stayed in school? That you wrecked your car? That you joined that group? That you got a speeding ticket? That you lost touch with all your high school friends? That no one came to your graduation party? That you pretended you didn't care? That you didn't get senior pictures taken? That you never worked in high school? That you turned down that girl to go the prom? That you stopped believing in God? That you told everyone