The Bipolar Otaku
The Random Musings of Dreistul - Slurpees, Fuzzy Bunnies, Anime, and Lithium...Friday, October 31, 2003
Joyous Samhain (or whatever you feel like calling it)
Happy Halloween, All Saint's Eve, Samhain, and all that. It sounds like the Wiccans had some interesting divination possibilities on this day, many of which concerned apples. I wonder which bishop or pope decided to make a holy day to override the Celtic traditions.
But anyway, what are you dressing up as today? Me, I'm dresssing up as a lonely guy 300 miles from anyone he knows. Easy costume, huh?
But anyway, what are you dressing up as today? Me, I'm dresssing up as a lonely guy 300 miles from anyone he knows. Easy costume, huh?
Thursday, October 30, 2003
Bumping up the ratings...
Interesting. If you do a google search for [MIRT traffic lights], I'm the 10th highest hit. But while I read more information about it, I guess the MIRT version is actually a copy of 3M's system. But many of the 3M systems that have been installed have been upgraded already, to lock out clones like MIRT. So, according to "them", the MIRT doesn't work. I guess that if you pay attention to the warrantee, it even says "FAC further warrants that its MIRT™ Device is compatible with 3M’s Opticom™ System, except for vehicle ID information, and assumes overall system performance." [emphasis added] There are some others than MIRT that make such systems. Priority Green also has some signallers (one looks like it was built out of a 4 D-cell MagLite), but again, it doesn't work with encoded lights. Tomar makes a system also (designed mainly for their Strobecom line, but touted as compatible with 3M's Opticom), but I've read some city ordinances that say it doesn't have the proper encoding system and that it's not compatible with the newer 3M systems. And there are more... maybe lots more.
What we are REALLY looking for is a clone of the 3M Opticom. The only problem with that, I think, is that the 3M system uses visible red LEDs to signal for the preemptive signal, where as MIRT was kind enough to make it infrared.
But, in any case, good old Troy, MI, always trying to be on the cutting edge, started installing these Opticom systems on top of their "SmartLights" before they recognized a potential disaster if the technology would come into the wrong hands, thus the city has many uncoded systems installed. I always did hate waiting for all the stupid traffic lights in Troy... can you believe the city has 85 traffic lights with these things installed????
One last thing: feel like making your own? It takes red or infrared LEDs, of course. And the flashing frequency appears to be 14.035 Hz+/- .25 Hz for high priority, and something around 10 Hz (haven't looked for details) for low priority. Someone could probably copy the programming/circuitry inside of one of those programmable universal remote controls, apply it to a much bigger LED bank, and sit around and wait for a fire engine to use it.
So, that's all I know. I found it just by using 4 Google searchs. But, that's all I care to find out. I probably could figure out how to do this, but I really do _not_ feel like it. For me, it'd just be another windmill.
However, the reader is free to deal with this information however he/she/it pleases.
What we are REALLY looking for is a clone of the 3M Opticom. The only problem with that, I think, is that the 3M system uses visible red LEDs to signal for the preemptive signal, where as MIRT was kind enough to make it infrared.
But, in any case, good old Troy, MI, always trying to be on the cutting edge, started installing these Opticom systems on top of their "SmartLights" before they recognized a potential disaster if the technology would come into the wrong hands, thus the city has many uncoded systems installed. I always did hate waiting for all the stupid traffic lights in Troy... can you believe the city has 85 traffic lights with these things installed????
One last thing: feel like making your own? It takes red or infrared LEDs, of course. And the flashing frequency appears to be 14.035 Hz+/- .25 Hz for high priority, and something around 10 Hz (haven't looked for details) for low priority. Someone could probably copy the programming/circuitry inside of one of those programmable universal remote controls, apply it to a much bigger LED bank, and sit around and wait for a fire engine to use it.
So, that's all I know. I found it just by using 4 Google searchs. But, that's all I care to find out. I probably could figure out how to do this, but I really do _not_ feel like it. For me, it'd just be another windmill.
However, the reader is free to deal with this information however he/she/it pleases.
Dreams of marching band
Had a dream last night where I went to see my high school marching band play at some MSBOA competition or something. My older brother was still there, still playing his trumpet, but he told Fred (the band director) that he was having some difficulties playing high notes. Meanwhile one of the baritones had some mechanical problems with his instrument. And by some chance, I had my baritone in the car, so I went out to get it so that I can help fill in the gap they had. I got a look of surprise from Fred, and so I started playing along with the music they had. Of course, I had no sheet music (neither did anyone else), but even worse was that I had no idea what songs we were playing. Star Spangled Banner followed by the Athens Fight Song followed by America followed by a song I didn't recognize (which is when I woke up). But the real thing that bothered me was that I really didn't fill in any hole, because when the baritone/trombone section wasn't playing the part they obviously were supposed to play, I didn't play it either. So basically, my attempts at being a hero were unsuccessful; that's the only message I can discern out of the dream.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
gotta lay off the salt...
okay, made cheesy potatoes and a marinated chicken breast. For the potatoes, I had to do some special measures since I didn't have an oven. It ended up being way way too salty. ugg. toss it. The chicken wa s pretty good, though. Marinated in italian dressing, basalmic vinegar, sherry, and pear preserves. Very good.
Other than my cooking, things are pretty boring. At work I seem like I'm pretty useless. But the plant might want to keep me for the weekend. Whatever.
Other than my cooking, things are pretty boring. At work I seem like I'm pretty useless. But the plant might want to keep me for the weekend. Whatever.
Hyper?
Yeah, that's a term I don't use often. At least not often enough. Just when I get to talk to a certain someone, and I haven't been online at the same time she has in a long time.
Anyway, I'm still up, so of course I'm shopping. No, no more computer shopping. Now I'm on to the most evil credit card runner-upper known to man: accessories.
Logitech finally does a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse. Price: $250. Should I get it? I'll wait until I have actually _typed_ on the computer. Besides, I ordered the matching Conspiracy Blue (wired) mouse.
They've also got a digital video camera. After all, a lot of people I know actually have broadband connections, why not use them for video phones? Price: $100. Nah. I'd have to convince everyone else to get one.
Game pad: I've already got a Logitech cordless rumbling one. It'll work fine.
Headphones. Just in case. These Etymotic ER-6's ought to be good enough. Price: $130. Eventually, I'll decide my Panasonic noise cancelling ear buds aren't good enough (they aren't). The real question is if I need to get an amp along with it ($120+).
What if the built-in sound card isn't good enough? Sound Blaster have their new Audigy2 NX or their Extigy. One USB connection away.
How could I forget. Built in wireless ethernet card means I need wireless routers. Linksys has a new Wireless-G VPN Router. The VPN capability would be nice so that I can access files one my home system (if I can keep it from rebooting every time we get a power dip). Price: $190 each (probably want two). I'll need one pretty soon... maybe I'll order it before I get the laptop.
Can't think of much else. Oh wait. A printer. Canon's i70 looks like a pretty good deal. Price: $230. It can wait.
Anyway. I'm tired now. Hyperness wears off.
Anyway, I'm still up, so of course I'm shopping. No, no more computer shopping. Now I'm on to the most evil credit card runner-upper known to man: accessories.
Logitech finally does a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse. Price: $250. Should I get it? I'll wait until I have actually _typed_ on the computer. Besides, I ordered the matching Conspiracy Blue (wired) mouse.
They've also got a digital video camera. After all, a lot of people I know actually have broadband connections, why not use them for video phones? Price: $100. Nah. I'd have to convince everyone else to get one.
Game pad: I've already got a Logitech cordless rumbling one. It'll work fine.
Headphones. Just in case. These Etymotic ER-6's ought to be good enough. Price: $130. Eventually, I'll decide my Panasonic noise cancelling ear buds aren't good enough (they aren't). The real question is if I need to get an amp along with it ($120+).
What if the built-in sound card isn't good enough? Sound Blaster have their new Audigy2 NX or their Extigy. One USB connection away.
How could I forget. Built in wireless ethernet card means I need wireless routers. Linksys has a new Wireless-G VPN Router. The VPN capability would be nice so that I can access files one my home system (if I can keep it from rebooting every time we get a power dip). Price: $190 each (probably want two). I'll need one pretty soon... maybe I'll order it before I get the laptop.
Can't think of much else. Oh wait. A printer. Canon's i70 looks like a pretty good deal. Price: $230. It can wait.
Anyway. I'm tired now. Hyperness wears off.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Wooh...
Okay, I cooked it. The chicken cacciatore. It's done. It actually turned out wonderfully. Except the rice, which I burnt. Anyway... Of course, I cooked way too much. And I can tell that the amount of wine I threw in there didn't evaporate. Yup, I coiuld definitely get drunk off this stuff.
One more thing...
Oh, I almost forgot the worst part about the fall time change: the never ending nights.... I go to work at 7am and it's dark. I go home at 6pm and it's dark. The only light I see is at lunch time. Pisses me off... and tends to depress me.
Oh well, at least I'll have a new toy in 15-20 business days (they called me today to confirm my order). That, and I'm cooking today... Chicken cacciatore with some rice and veggies. Or at least it will be that, soon. Bought my second bottle of wine in two days! Well, both are for cooking purposes, but still it makes me happy to think about it.
Oh well, at least I'll have a new toy in 15-20 business days (they called me today to confirm my order). That, and I'm cooking today... Chicken cacciatore with some rice and veggies. Or at least it will be that, soon. Bought my second bottle of wine in two days! Well, both are for cooking purposes, but still it makes me happy to think about it.
Stupid time change
Yesterday, my sister woke me up, in a semi-panic, saying that it was already 6:30, which is a problem because I need to be at work at 7:00. Two things I forgot: (1) she sets her alarm clock 40 minutes fast and (2) she might have forgotten to change her alarm clock. I was out of the shower and driving to work before 5:00.
And today, I figured I could count on the hotel to set their alarm clocks. Bad assumption. I rushed to get ready this morning and it's only quarter to 6:00.
And today, I figured I could count on the hotel to set their alarm clocks. Bad assumption. I rushed to get ready this morning and it's only quarter to 6:00.
Monday, October 27, 2003
The hunt has concluded.
I just ordered an Alienware Area-51m. $3867, including some extras like some games I wanted and a backpack and other miscellaneous stuff. I think it will work. Basically, I'm giving up the wider screen, which would have been useful for movies (about 25% more viewing area, if I remember right), and a TV tuner for better performance.
Thus, I thrust myself back into credit debt.
Thus, I thrust myself back into credit debt.
Possible new toy: traffic lights!
This site is probably getting swamped by the recent publicity, but it sells a device called a Mobile Infrared Transmitter (MIRT) which supposedly lets you change traffic lights! Cool, huh? It sounds like it only works on specially equiped traffic lights (which might be all of the modern ones or none of the current ones, who knows). The "real" unit is a restricted purchasable item ($300, but only to individuals that the company deems entitled to purchase them), but I read an article that there are already clones available. Furthermore, the devices are new enough that they haven't been deemed illegal in most states. Nor are they restricted by FCC or any other agency.
Well, I'm never in that big a rush. Besides, I'm sure they will be illegal soon enough.
Well, I'm never in that big a rush. Besides, I'm sure they will be illegal soon enough.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Phone calls
About eight years ago, when I was a freshman in college and a pledge in my fraternity, I was given the task to call up alumni. It was a push for the chapter to get back in touch with brothers who have long since graduated from the university. And one phone call still sticks in my head. This phone call actually made it through (somewhat of a rarity) and I talked to him. And he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was done with the fraternity, that he had his time there, that his time has passed, that he has more important things in his life now, that he does not want to be bothered by me.
That phone call is one of the handful of memorable phone calls that I have had in my life. Why this one? Why a phone call with some guy I never met? I remember it ever time I feel like someone has decided they are done with me, that voice and that phrase "I have found more important things in my life" and it so bothers me. But at least when he said it, that I knew for certain that I was never going to talk to that person again. And that is so much better than just hoping I'll get to talk with him or her just one more time.
That phone call is one of the handful of memorable phone calls that I have had in my life. Why this one? Why a phone call with some guy I never met? I remember it ever time I feel like someone has decided they are done with me, that voice and that phrase "I have found more important things in my life" and it so bothers me. But at least when he said it, that I knew for certain that I was never going to talk to that person again. And that is so much better than just hoping I'll get to talk with him or her just one more time.
Feeling a bit... i don't know...
Maybe I'm just tired. But I feel... nonchalant? indifferent? detached?
Part of me thinks I should be depressed about something. Part of me thinks I should be manicly driven. Yet, I'm neither. or maybe both.
In any case, I'm tired and need to pack. I'm driving my own car again, since all the pool cars will be in use. I actually was going to take the red Pacifica, but I figured the one of the guys going to Toronto should get it before I do.
And I haven't bought a laptop yet, either.
Part of me thinks I should be depressed about something. Part of me thinks I should be manicly driven. Yet, I'm neither. or maybe both.
In any case, I'm tired and need to pack. I'm driving my own car again, since all the pool cars will be in use. I actually was going to take the red Pacifica, but I figured the one of the guys going to Toronto should get it before I do.
And I haven't bought a laptop yet, either.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Kill Bill vol 1
Just gotta say, I really liked this movie. It was a very experimental-type movie, but what else would you expect from Tarantino? The cinematics (is that the right term?) were fantastic, and it kept jumping from one style to another. For example, you have a Matrix-type sequence (complete with bullet-time... err... axe-time... scenes) to common japanese samurai side-profile silhouette (with a blue rice-paper-square door pattern background). They even had an anime sequence (produced by Production I.G., probably best known in the US for Ghost in the Shell, but also well known for FLCL, Patlabor, Blood the Last Vampire, Sakura Wars, Jin Roh, and numerous others). And the entire thing is done like a book; you have an prologue, introductory quote (from Star Trek, can you believe it?), chapters, and obviously, volumes. Very cool. Very bloody. Yet somehow very hilarious (in my opinion). I guess I'll have to wait for a DVD box set, though.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
One thing I'm good at...
I think I've found something that I'm truly gifted at and really really enjoy, and that is helping people spend money. And if they don't have money to spend, that's where Mr. Visa shows his talent.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
STILL computer shopping...
I'd like to order one by Friday, but I'm still not sure what to get.
Found something neat: a 3D laptop from Sharp. I'm guessing it works by switching the graphics back and forth between left-eye view and right-eye view, as opposed to 3D glasses. $3300 for a computer that's underpowered compared to others on the market. Besides, my depth perception sucks. So, that's not an option.
Anyway, I'm leaning towards 17" widescreens versus the 16" normal screens, even though it might mean that I would have to down-shift to a 1200x900 resolution for some games and other stuff. If I got a 16", I think it would have to be the Alienware [old CNet review]. But for the 17", I'm down to the Toshiba [CNet review, HP [CNet first look], and Hypersonic [CNet review]. If the Hypersonic had a a/g wireless card, I might get it right now. And if the Toshiba had a decent graphics card, I might consider getting that right now. HP would be a good balance between those misgivings, but I'm not quite content with it yet. Well, I'm sending an email to Hypersonic if they can get a/g cards.
Found something neat: a 3D laptop from Sharp. I'm guessing it works by switching the graphics back and forth between left-eye view and right-eye view, as opposed to 3D glasses. $3300 for a computer that's underpowered compared to others on the market. Besides, my depth perception sucks. So, that's not an option.
Anyway, I'm leaning towards 17" widescreens versus the 16" normal screens, even though it might mean that I would have to down-shift to a 1200x900 resolution for some games and other stuff. If I got a 16", I think it would have to be the Alienware [old CNet review]. But for the 17", I'm down to the Toshiba [CNet review, HP [CNet first look], and Hypersonic [CNet review]. If the Hypersonic had a a/g wireless card, I might get it right now. And if the Toshiba had a decent graphics card, I might consider getting that right now. HP would be a good balance between those misgivings, but I'm not quite content with it yet. Well, I'm sending an email to Hypersonic if they can get a/g cards.
Damn... missed it by that much...
Well, I came damn close. $182.63 was the final balance of this months statement. My last payment of $1000 probably won't make it there until Friday or something. Too bad... I was sooo hoping for a credit to show up on my credit report. Now, in order to do that, I would have to not buy my laptop for another month. I probably won't last that long. Oh well... I tried!
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Still computer shopping...
Okay, I've been doing more research. The company that makes AlienWare's computer is Clevo in Taiwan. Of course, several other companies use them too. So I looked them up and decked ou their top end systems. Of course, Toshiba is still on the list, and I'm putting HP back on the list (it didn't look as bad as I thought when I saw it today). I also found a recent review for gaming laptops at IGN. Oddly enough, all of the computers I'm looking at exceed what GameSpot clasifies as the "ultimate" gaming notebook.
16" standard screens (3.2GHz 800MHz FSB, 1GB DDR, 80GB HD, DVD-RW, 100Mbps LAN, and other stuff standard, unless stated otherwise):
Alienware Area-51m Extreme: $3718; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11a/g, remote control
Sager NP8890: $3415; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player
Voodoo Envy m:600: $4568; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player
Hypersonic Aviator GX8: $3950; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player; 2nd 80GB HD
Eurocom 888ES Dream Machine: $3942; 3.06GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, TV tuner
17" Widescreens (3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, 1GB DDR, 80GB HD, DVD-RW, 100Mbps LAN, and other stuff standard on all, unless stated otherwise):
HP zd7000: $3243; 3.2GHz 533MHz FSB, NVidia Go5600 128MB, 802.11g, WindowsXP Media Center Edition (incl. TV tuner and remote)
Toshiba P25-S609: $2799; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, NVidia Go5200 64MB, 802.11a/g, WindowsXP Media Center Edition (incl. TV tuner and remote)
Voodoo Envy m:700: $3548; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera
Sager NP8890 NP4760: $2760; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth
Hypersonic Aviator ZX7: $3696; 3.2GHz 800MHz FSB, ATI 9600 Pro 128GB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera,
Eurocom D470W Impressa: $3392; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera, internal TV tuner, no OS
Ugg... too many options now...
16" standard screens (3.2GHz 800MHz FSB, 1GB DDR, 80GB HD, DVD-RW, 100Mbps LAN, and other stuff standard, unless stated otherwise):
Alienware Area-51m Extreme: $3718; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11a/g, remote control
Sager NP8890: $3415; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player
Voodoo Envy m:600: $4568; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player
Hypersonic Aviator GX8: $3950; ATI 9600 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, remote control, TV tuner, detachable MP3 player; 2nd 80GB HD
Eurocom 888ES Dream Machine: $3942; 3.06GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 Pro 128MB, 802.11b, TV tuner
17" Widescreens (3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, 1GB DDR, 80GB HD, DVD-RW, 100Mbps LAN, and other stuff standard on all, unless stated otherwise):
HP zd7000: $3243; 3.2GHz 533MHz FSB, NVidia Go5600 128MB, 802.11g, WindowsXP Media Center Edition (incl. TV tuner and remote)
Toshiba P25-S609: $2799; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, NVidia Go5200 64MB, 802.11a/g, WindowsXP Media Center Edition (incl. TV tuner and remote)
Voodoo Envy m:700: $3548; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera
Sager NP8890 NP4760: $2760; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth
Hypersonic Aviator ZX7: $3696; 3.2GHz 800MHz FSB, ATI 9600 Pro 128GB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera,
Eurocom D470W Impressa: $3392; 3.0GHz 533MHz FSB, ATI 9000 64MB, 802.11b, Bluetooth, built in camera, internal TV tuner, no OS
Ugg... too many options now...
Alcohol-free, sure. But drug-free? Is it possible?
On the radio today, there was a ad from some company offering a free tape that talks about how to live a drug-free life despite having anxiety disorders. And it just reminds me, that this lithium/seroquel cocktail, it's something that I'm going to have to live with forever, unless of course, I decide to say screw the doctors and stop it all together. There isn't a cure for bipolar disorder, but frankly, I sometimes wonder if the disorder really exists within me at all.
Monday, October 20, 2003
If I were more motivated...
You know, if I were more motivated, I'd just be leaving church right now. Ah well... I'm not motivated. At least not for church right now. I'm more motivated to... umm.. sleep, I guess.
Hmm...
So, I've been stalking Alienware's website for days now. I think it's what I want to buy, but I'm not sure if I want to plunk down $4k for a laptop I've never actually seen before. I like the specs better than the Toshiba (which would cost $3k), and the reviews on it are fantastic. But, if I decide I don't like it, there's a 15% stocking fee, so I'd lose out $600+).
What to do, what to do.... I guess the first thing to do is finish paying off my credit card. How I'd love to see $0 on my credit report, if only for a month.
What to do, what to do.... I guess the first thing to do is finish paying off my credit card. How I'd love to see $0 on my credit report, if only for a month.
One-Eyed Jack
Well, woke up late today, rushed out the door (but not until I had something to eat) and started driving, still half drowsy and with vision half blurred. Since I sleep with my contacts in (a big no-no), I'm used to waking up and having semi-blurry vision until my eyes get wet. So, I'm halfway there, and my right eye is still acting wierd; the contact must not be seating right, right? Nope. It took me a few more miles to realize that my right contact isn't there. But, surprisingly, I guess my left eye is so much dominant over the right, that it doesn't seem like there's much difference, except maybe in my peripherals...
Well, in any case, I should go get new glasses; after all, if I want to get my eyes cut (lasik) I think I need to not wear contacts for a few weeks to pre-adjust or something. Besides, the prescription is two years old, I'm running out of contacts, and I haven't even worn glasses (which are 5 years old and lost) at all since then.
Well, in any case, I should go get new glasses; after all, if I want to get my eyes cut (lasik) I think I need to not wear contacts for a few weeks to pre-adjust or something. Besides, the prescription is two years old, I'm running out of contacts, and I haven't even worn glasses (which are 5 years old and lost) at all since then.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Bottles of sparkly
Meanwhile, I've taken a habit to drinking carbonated water. Problems with that is that I can only find it in glass bottles (500 mL) at $1.50 a piece). Plus it's not a twist off, so it's really a bitch trying to open one while I drive... especially since I didn't think I had a bottle opener on my keychain so I've been prying it off with pliers. And they klink a lot while I drive, because I don't even have like a 6-piack case to prevent them from moving around. And when I drink out of this bottle, which looks somewhat similar to a champagne bottle, I feel like a wino. But at least I just found out my keychain DOES have a bottle opener, so maybe it won't be so bad.
boring...
work was boring. driving home was boring. sitting around at my brother's was boring. At least dinner was good...
An engagement party that isn't "an engagement party"
A friend of mine had an engagement party today. Just like another fraternity reunion, reliving stories from the house and various camping trips and memorial day and labor day trips. Funny how much I love talking about alcohol these days. I never thought I'd miss drinking this much. At least everyone else doesn't drink as much as we used to. We're all getting old...
But before that party, I helped a buddy pick out a TV at Sam's Club... He was planning on only spending about $500 for a 32" TV. I convinced him to spend an extra $100 on a Sony 32" WEGA. Looks nice; will work great for his XboX. Meanwhile, I was bugging the store people to fix the displays for the 17" HP laptop they had (fully knowing that I'm not going to buy one from them) and breaking the display for one of the PDA's (the little cable got pulled off, which sounded the alarm; their response time was pretty slow). Anyway another buddy who was coming in from Saginaw had to come and actually pick up the TV (he has a Grand Cherokee; I only have a Sebring) and he commented that I shouldn't be allowed to leave without buying anything. I think I've got a big enough purchase lined up without any nudging...
And on that note, I'm still debating between the 16.1" Alienware or the 17" Toshiba... But, either way, I think I've fulfilled my self-imposed goal of being under $2000 in credit debt. However, I do think it would be really nice to see a $0 on that bill just once...
But before that party, I helped a buddy pick out a TV at Sam's Club... He was planning on only spending about $500 for a 32" TV. I convinced him to spend an extra $100 on a Sony 32" WEGA. Looks nice; will work great for his XboX. Meanwhile, I was bugging the store people to fix the displays for the 17" HP laptop they had (fully knowing that I'm not going to buy one from them) and breaking the display for one of the PDA's (the little cable got pulled off, which sounded the alarm; their response time was pretty slow). Anyway another buddy who was coming in from Saginaw had to come and actually pick up the TV (he has a Grand Cherokee; I only have a Sebring) and he commented that I shouldn't be allowed to leave without buying anything. I think I've got a big enough purchase lined up without any nudging...
And on that note, I'm still debating between the 16.1" Alienware or the 17" Toshiba... But, either way, I think I've fulfilled my self-imposed goal of being under $2000 in credit debt. However, I do think it would be really nice to see a $0 on that bill just once...
Friday, October 17, 2003
Drinking and driving
Another funny thing I just remembered. Place: Summit County, Ohio. Flipping through radio stations not too long ago. And a public service ad comes on, telling everyone to be safe drivers. Then they point out that young people have the most car accidents; nothing new. Then they tell everyone not to drink and drive, "because inexperienced drivers may not be able to keep control of the car while intoxicated" (or something along those lines). So, does that mean that us experienced drunks are okay?
Can't sleep? You should pray! Other uses for the rosary...
So, a couple of days ago, after I had to call in sick because I worked so long without sleeping, my mother told me that if what I have to do if I can't sleep is that I have to pray. After telling her to stop her thought there, she continues... yes, I should pray and do the rosary. Because the rosary always puts her to sleep. I had to think about that one for a sec, before I started laughing at her.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
end mania
Well, I'm not really sure if it's the end of this mania, but it seems like it is. Something tells me that getting the idea that I could teach that class myself is the last strand of that mania. Who knows, I might still get a funky idea in the next few days, but it just doesn't seem very likely.
Meanwhile, my mom must have freaked out yesterday, thinking that some drug of mine caused the 20 hours of sleep I got yesterday. She doesn't know what medications I take anymore, and that really bothers her, I think. Actually, I wonder if she thinks I'm a druggie... oh well.
Meanwhile, my mom must have freaked out yesterday, thinking that some drug of mine caused the 20 hours of sleep I got yesterday. She doesn't know what medications I take anymore, and that really bothers her, I think. Actually, I wonder if she thinks I'm a druggie... oh well.
Teach? No, Sir, not I.
Well, I've been debating about it since Tuesday, whether or not to go on teaching. And I basically came to the conclusion that, if I can make it to the first (intro) session, then I'll teach the whole year. After the boss's latest changes to the schedule, I thought that I actually might be able to make. I had these lofty ideas how I could actually make it work, what kind of cool speech I could start the class of to set the tone for the entire year... Then I finally compared the schedules. I can't make the first FOUR sessions. I wouldn't even meet the kids until after the new year. So, I called it quits... I'll still help on the retreats, but no classes... oh well...
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Playing hooky
i woke up this morning at around 6:30. I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time. And, my sense of balance was so far off that I couldn't stand and could barely even walk, So, I caled in sick. I slept all morning and now have a massive headache.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Time to sleep. Really.
So, yeah, I went to my brother's house to talk. My brother and I talked some. I voiced some of my concerns with continuing to teach this year. And I helped him rip out some of his cabinets. So, four and a half hours later is now. I'm tired. I'm dosed on Seroquel. It's got to work this time. If it doesn't I'm going to call in sick tomorrow and call my doc.
But I did get the last issue of Alien 9.... no, stop it!
But I did get the last issue of Alien 9.... no, stop it!
Hour 36
well, lets see. I felt like taking a nap after lunch, but all in all, this actually felt like a normal well-rested day. And that is a bad sign.
But, I can't go to sleep yet. I have to go over to my brother's place and talk to his girlfriend. She's talking about backing out of confirmation. We were going to be partners, we had even talked about it last year at the retreats. But it seems that some people might think that because she is living with my brother, that she might be unfit to teach. So she's talking about leaving our church and cut all ties with it's youth group and confirmation programs.
Ok, so where does that leave me? I just don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to believe. I was having a hard enough time of it before, but what now?
But, I can't go to sleep yet. I have to go over to my brother's place and talk to his girlfriend. She's talking about backing out of confirmation. We were going to be partners, we had even talked about it last year at the retreats. But it seems that some people might think that because she is living with my brother, that she might be unfit to teach. So she's talking about leaving our church and cut all ties with it's youth group and confirmation programs.
Ok, so where does that leave me? I just don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to believe. I was having a hard enough time of it before, but what now?
Eek... work!
thoughts right now seem stable. Just disappointed for having to go to work, but that's about it. Not tired, though, which could still be a sign of mania. haven't bought anything yet, and that's a good sign
.
So, yeah, it's time to go to work. I've been up for 25 hours now. Need to go for... umm maybe another 15... fun.
.
So, yeah, it's time to go to work. I've been up for 25 hours now. Need to go for... umm maybe another 15... fun.
Sure, I enjoy reading about popes...
So what am I reading? I'm actually reading about the this book by Garry Wills called Why I am a Catholic. I picked it up about a month ago, thinking it might make me better able to solidify my beliefs...
Right now, it's all history. I hated history in school. I couldn't pay attention to it. It was boring. But reading this book... somehow I find the entire history of the lineage of popes hilarious. From the beginnings with Peter and his struggles against Paul (yeah, apostle versus apostle? now some passages of the Book of Revelations make sense) to the great Renessaince artists of the Vatican and all the false and/or pointed symbols they threw in there to (where I am now in the book) the separation of the church of England and all that the church did to piss them off. With an occasional mention of this pope's daughters (yes, plural) being married here or that one's grandson being appointed as a cardinal. It's hysterical.
But I'm wondering exactly where he's going with it, because it seems like he has to come out as supporting the Catholic Chruch...
Right now, it's all history. I hated history in school. I couldn't pay attention to it. It was boring. But reading this book... somehow I find the entire history of the lineage of popes hilarious. From the beginnings with Peter and his struggles against Paul (yeah, apostle versus apostle? now some passages of the Book of Revelations make sense) to the great Renessaince artists of the Vatican and all the false and/or pointed symbols they threw in there to (where I am now in the book) the separation of the church of England and all that the church did to piss them off. With an occasional mention of this pope's daughters (yes, plural) being married here or that one's grandson being appointed as a cardinal. It's hysterical.
But I'm wondering exactly where he's going with it, because it seems like he has to come out as supporting the Catholic Chruch...
4am...
Insomnia sucks. I'm still not tired; thank god, because I have to go to work in 3 hours... Lets see, I've read books, watched some anime (bebop), read some manga (again, bebop), surfed the web, listened to some music (no doubt and garbage? strange of me)... I guess this is the point I usually get bored and try sleeping again. So I gotta find something else...
2am and all's not clear
Funny... was tempted to send an email to invite someone to go to the symphany sometime... But I really do think it'd be a bad idea. Not a bad idea, it'd be nice to see the orchestra again. And of course it'd be nice to see her again, and catch up and everything. But when it really comes down to it, I think it'd be a waste of both of our time. Or at least of mine. I'm sure that I don't have the same emotional hang-ups about her that used to.
Of course, with that statement, I recognize that I leave it open to interpretation that I might have emotional hang-ups about someone else. But that might (or might not) be accurate. I might just have a headache. dunno...
Of course, with that statement, I recognize that I leave it open to interpretation that I might have emotional hang-ups about someone else. But that might (or might not) be accurate. I might just have a headache. dunno...
Still awake
I've been up since 5am this morning. I actually woke up without an alarm clock, probably because I went to bed at an early hour yesterday. No such luck today. I'm up. I'm restless. I can't close my eyes for very long. The noise of my heartbeat echos in my ears. And I keep trying to think of... I'm not really sure what. LIke the moon outside and more stuff I can write or what happens next in the book I'm reading or anything and everything and anything again. And I just checked to make sure that I took my seroquel, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference today.
And I'm writing a lot today. Mostly because I want to remember where I was (emotionally) and remember what I was thinking. That and because I've really got nothing better to do at the moment. Maybe I should go back to reading, even though it hasn't made me tired like most non-fiction tends to do. But then again, if I start reading now, I'll go on until about 3am, which will absolutely wreck any possible semblance of consciousness tomorrow at work. But as long as I get there and get paid, do I care?
Anyway, time to sleep.
And I'm writing a lot today. Mostly because I want to remember where I was (emotionally) and remember what I was thinking. That and because I've really got nothing better to do at the moment. Maybe I should go back to reading, even though it hasn't made me tired like most non-fiction tends to do. But then again, if I start reading now, I'll go on until about 3am, which will absolutely wreck any possible semblance of consciousness tomorrow at work. But as long as I get there and get paid, do I care?
Anyway, time to sleep.
Monday, October 13, 2003
Shouldn't I be asleep by now?
Yeah, but I couldn't sleep so I started looking at the AlienWare Area-51m that I mentioned before... I was trying to figure out why there wasn't a Wireless Ethernet module listed in the options to buy, but I think they might have taken out the MiniPCI slot to put in the interchangable video card. Now would I really change the video card after owning this laptop for a year? (hint: probably) But not having wireless kind of hurts, especially since there's only one PCMCIA slot... I sent them a message to make sure that I'm wrong (I won't be).
decisions, decisions....
decisions, decisions....
My future computer?
Okay, check it out. I think this might be what I decide to get. Toshiba's P25 series It's got a 17" widescreen display; that means it's fricking huge (16.4” x 11.5” x 1.8” according to specs). So forget about laptop "bags" and think about rolling duffel bags... But the display is nice, rivals some of the Sony offerings; but if you think about it, it has to since it's really trying to be a TV. The resolution is only 1440x900, not as good as the 16.1" UltraXGA 1600x1200 that AlienWare's new 51m offers. Toshiba's got a P4 3.0GHz in there, which is "good enough" for my purposes; it would be nice if it was 3.2, though. The 80GB HD is okay, but unfortunately it's as big as they get in laptop harddrives right now. The speakers are Harmon/Kardon's, which at first I brushed off as being just another name they throw in laptops to act as if they sound almost good; unfortunately(?) I was quite impressed; they actually did sound good. It's got ports for modem and lan, and most importantly, it has built-in A/G wireless ethernet. Oh, and in case I get lazy while I'm listening to music from across the room: a remote control.
eh... maybe someday soon.
eh... maybe someday soon.
Books that would be great on airplanes
Idiot's Guide to Household Nuclear Weapons
Chemical Weapons for Dummies
What kind of wonderful Supreme Court cases would these books make?
Chemical Weapons for Dummies
What kind of wonderful Supreme Court cases would these books make?
twirling and lost
Went to Microcenter after work today, to take a look at laptops. Cool stuff. I'm excited again. Think I'm going with the Toshiba.
And my mind started racing. What would be a good thing to do at 6:30pm on a Monday. Get gas, of course (I was empty). But after that, go to church, right?
And I get to church. I'm reading the newsletter before mass. I'm thinking, maybe I should do that too. Or that. Maybe I can make it to that. Or maybe I should realize I'm twirling myself into a mania.
Went with that last option. Twirling, you ask? Yeah, not as fast as a spin, but definitely doing circular jumps. So, my mind wandered for a little while, until my natural checks and balances system went into affect.
At which point, I thought of every single regret I've ever had that related to this church, or worse, in spite of it.
Not a pleasant experience, as you might imagine.
So I don't know where I am now... up, down, left, right. Hungry. Where's that left over mac and cheese?
And my mind started racing. What would be a good thing to do at 6:30pm on a Monday. Get gas, of course (I was empty). But after that, go to church, right?
And I get to church. I'm reading the newsletter before mass. I'm thinking, maybe I should do that too. Or that. Maybe I can make it to that. Or maybe I should realize I'm twirling myself into a mania.
Went with that last option. Twirling, you ask? Yeah, not as fast as a spin, but definitely doing circular jumps. So, my mind wandered for a little while, until my natural checks and balances system went into affect.
At which point, I thought of every single regret I've ever had that related to this church, or worse, in spite of it.
Not a pleasant experience, as you might imagine.
So I don't know where I am now... up, down, left, right. Hungry. Where's that left over mac and cheese?
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Umm...
I feel the need to write something, but I can't find anything I really want to talk about... soooo...
I'm down to $3700 on my credit card, and I just got a signing bonus of $3000 ($1500 after taxes and everything else), so that'll bring it down to $2200. And I just got my paycheck, so I can send them another $1000 also... which means that it's almost time for me to buy a laptop.
I'm still debating on what to buy. The Dell 8500, with it's 15" wide screen actually looks kind of small... AlienWare's Area 51-m has a 16" screen, which might be nice. Meanwhile Toshiba and HP seem to have identical 17" widescreen laptops, and coincidently they both have Windows XP Media Center Edition options (which makes the laptop into personal video recorder kind of like a TiVo). But what do I really want or need? And why am I not all that excited anymore? Should I even bother?
I'm not sure. It's like I spend all this time working so that I can afford stuff like this, but now that it's within reach, I really don't care to reach for it. Am I becoming reasonable with my spending? or am I just becoming apathetic? What drives me these days? Nothing much...
I'm down to $3700 on my credit card, and I just got a signing bonus of $3000 ($1500 after taxes and everything else), so that'll bring it down to $2200. And I just got my paycheck, so I can send them another $1000 also... which means that it's almost time for me to buy a laptop.
I'm still debating on what to buy. The Dell 8500, with it's 15" wide screen actually looks kind of small... AlienWare's Area 51-m has a 16" screen, which might be nice. Meanwhile Toshiba and HP seem to have identical 17" widescreen laptops, and coincidently they both have Windows XP Media Center Edition options (which makes the laptop into personal video recorder kind of like a TiVo). But what do I really want or need? And why am I not all that excited anymore? Should I even bother?
I'm not sure. It's like I spend all this time working so that I can afford stuff like this, but now that it's within reach, I really don't care to reach for it. Am I becoming reasonable with my spending? or am I just becoming apathetic? What drives me these days? Nothing much...
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Oooh...
Friday, October 10, 2003
Long time no see... perhaps it was better that way...
I ran into the head salesman from the vendor I used to deal with all the time today. "Yeah, good to see you again." or something like that. "Looks like you've put on some weight." That f----ing bastard... I felt like ripping out some of his products just for spite...
and Up... ?
So yeah, I go to my friends' house. I brought a couple bottles of wine. Another guy brought a couple cases of beer. Another guy brought the steaks and the cheeze. And the homeowners provided the grill, the salad, the side dishes, the crackers, and everything else. It was a good meal, and a fun one too. Haven't had an informal dinner like this with a bunch of friends in a while. I think it's been years, really. I even had a half glass wine. And carbonated water. Good stuff... they've got me hooked on it now.
So we ate, watched tv, talked during commercials, had a good time.
But I hope the mood sticks... I still wanted to listen to that song on the drive home...
So we ate, watched tv, talked during commercials, had a good time.
But I hope the mood sticks... I still wanted to listen to that song on the drive home...
Feeling like a clueless Freshman again...
After work I was meeting up with some friends for dinner. I knew they were going to grill up some steaks, and one of them suggested I bring a side dish. To meet up with them, I'll need to leave immediately after work, so making a dish is out of the question. So instead, I decide I need to bring a bottle of wine, but I forgot to grab one out of the basement.
A couple of years ago for one of their housewarmings, I dropped by a wine store right by their house, which was a really good store, well stocked, well organized, and well manned. So I go back there. And it's all different... The arrangement is hap-hazard. And the names are unfamiliar... I look through for a while and find a vineyard I recognize... $59 for a 1997. Damn, back then it was only $17... And everything is $50 or more. Oh, wait, here's a $25 bottle... for a 1996? That year sucked. No wonder it's so cheap. And $38 for a 1998? Bad vineyard and bad year... And everything else I'm unfamiliar with, unless I want to pay through the nose... I felt so clueless.... I haven't been this uninformed about wine since I was a Freshman in college...
So I left. Found a basic liquor store down the street. It had Liberty School, so I was happy. Bought two bottles, and everything was good.
A couple of years ago for one of their housewarmings, I dropped by a wine store right by their house, which was a really good store, well stocked, well organized, and well manned. So I go back there. And it's all different... The arrangement is hap-hazard. And the names are unfamiliar... I look through for a while and find a vineyard I recognize... $59 for a 1997. Damn, back then it was only $17... And everything is $50 or more. Oh, wait, here's a $25 bottle... for a 1996? That year sucked. No wonder it's so cheap. And $38 for a 1998? Bad vineyard and bad year... And everything else I'm unfamiliar with, unless I want to pay through the nose... I felt so clueless.... I haven't been this uninformed about wine since I was a Freshman in college...
So I left. Found a basic liquor store down the street. It had Liberty School, so I was happy. Bought two bottles, and everything was good.
Down...
The past few days have been wierd. Work has been busy. That's a good thing. It keeps my mind from wandering aimlessly, which I usually a bad thing. But then I leave. And when I'm in my car, my mood drives my music, and the music is bitter, self-loathing. The song once again is "Ender Will Save Us All" by Dashboard Confessional. And I keep playing it. Unrequited love. But I thought I was over it. But what really bothers me is that it'll happen again. And again. And again.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
MIA?
Right now, I've got two friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. I think that both may be going through some hard times. I think both may really need someone to talk too. I think I can understand the troubles of both. But I don't know how to get a hold of either. And it saddens me. But the most important thing is, I just want to talk to them again...
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
I should do what??!?
So, I had another doctor's appointment today. I talked about what happened in the last four weeks... the bachelor party, the wedding, being home for 3 weeks, working nearly 100 hours last week... and among all that, she decided to ask more questions about two things...
The second one was about working last week, about which I said that I felt manic, but without the intensity, which basicalyl said to me that I think I was in control...
But the first one bothered me. Of course, she asked about the wedding. How did going to it make me feel? And my feelings beforehand were directed not at the bride or groom, but the grooms ex-girlfriend. Yeah, the german girl. The one I call the ex-nongirlfriend. Her. So of course I say this. About how we keep in contact once in a while, which of course means that I intiate contact with her, find out how she's doing. How in the past this meant taking a day to go to the symphony once a year. How we always say we should keep in contact. How we never do. Actually she never does. And then came the kicker... She actually recommended that I ask her out again. That I should press the issue. And find out one last time if the relationship could actually work. I spent the last three years keeping in contact with her trying to make sure I'm over her. I should do what? Just for the little sense of closure?
I just don't know how I should feel about that suggestion. Nor what I should do about it.
The second one was about working last week, about which I said that I felt manic, but without the intensity, which basicalyl said to me that I think I was in control...
But the first one bothered me. Of course, she asked about the wedding. How did going to it make me feel? And my feelings beforehand were directed not at the bride or groom, but the grooms ex-girlfriend. Yeah, the german girl. The one I call the ex-nongirlfriend. Her. So of course I say this. About how we keep in contact once in a while, which of course means that I intiate contact with her, find out how she's doing. How in the past this meant taking a day to go to the symphony once a year. How we always say we should keep in contact. How we never do. Actually she never does. And then came the kicker... She actually recommended that I ask her out again. That I should press the issue. And find out one last time if the relationship could actually work. I spent the last three years keeping in contact with her trying to make sure I'm over her. I should do what? Just for the little sense of closure?
I just don't know how I should feel about that suggestion. Nor what I should do about it.
Monday, October 06, 2003
Me, a teacher?
Oh dear... I just came back from the "meet your teen facilitator" thing for confirmation. And it became apparent just how far off my mindset is, from where I think it needs to be. I still swear casually and frequently. I still am trying to placate my need for proof of my belief in God. And worst of all, I'm still completely unfamiliar with the new program. Plus, I know that I'll probably end up missing half the classes, and (God forbid) some of the retreats.
But, anyway, I turned in the form for them to do a background search on me. I wonder how deep they go... They probably stick to criminal records, which is easy since mine is clear. But still...
But, anyway, I turned in the form for them to do a background search on me. I wonder how deep they go... They probably stick to criminal records, which is easy since mine is clear. But still...
Becoming one with the flow...
Quite unexpectedly today, I found myself suddenly become one with the flow... of electrons. Yup, nothing like 120 volts make you realize you're doing something wrong. Oh, and not just once... three times within a few minutes of each other... I eventually realized I really do have to unplug the thing before I continued to rewire it. But, what I was really surprised was that it didn't hurt! It... umm... jiggled. It felt like I just got shaken up a little bit. Oh well. I should avoid it in the future.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Blogs!
Oooh titles....
Damn, I'm still awake? sigh....
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Contentment is fleeting. Today, it was surpassed by boredom, frustration, nonchalance, and finally a longing to compeletion.
I leave on Monday now; the plant asked me to stay yet another day. At least I won't miss the Confirmation Teen Facilitator training thing; so far, I have managed to make it to a single Confirmation thing this year...
I leave on Monday now; the plant asked me to stay yet another day. At least I won't miss the Confirmation Teen Facilitator training thing; so far, I have managed to make it to a single Confirmation thing this year...
Friday, October 03, 2003
Long days.
Short nights.
Early wakings.
Poor snoozes.
Quick meals.
Dry contacts.
Slow progress.
No sights, no scenes, no life, lotsa cash.
And contentment. Freaky...
How odd it is, and sad as well, that working, when I know the only thing I will achieve by putting in that exta effort is a little more money, still feels so much more fulfilling than a job where I think the extra effort will achieve recognition and advancement.
Short nights.
Early wakings.
Poor snoozes.
Quick meals.
Dry contacts.
Slow progress.
No sights, no scenes, no life, lotsa cash.
And contentment. Freaky...
How odd it is, and sad as well, that working, when I know the only thing I will achieve by putting in that exta effort is a little more money, still feels so much more fulfilling than a job where I think the extra effort will achieve recognition and advancement.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Ooh... check it out, posted on the Lord of the Rings (movies) website...
Tuesday, December 16
One-time-only marathon of both the Extended Edition prints followed by the first
screenings of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
I think I'll pass on that. I mean, 9 hours of movie watching? Oh, wait, I've done 8 hours easy... Then maybe... Depends where I am that day, I guess.
Tuesday, December 16
One-time-only marathon of both the Extended Edition prints followed by the first
screenings of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
I think I'll pass on that. I mean, 9 hours of movie watching? Oh, wait, I've done 8 hours easy... Then maybe... Depends where I am that day, I guess.
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