The Bipolar Otaku
The Random Musings of Dreistul - Slurpees, Fuzzy Bunnies, Anime, and Lithium...Sunday, November 30, 2003
Lies and deceit
I guess there's a first time for everything, but I'n not really happy about it. I just deleted a blog entry, because if the wrong person would read it, it could catch me in a lie that I don't want to make in the first place. The act of deleting the post shouldn't really be that big of a deal, but it just seems so duplicitous, deceitful, and dishonest to myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I'm covering up a lie with another lie. Well, okay, I am.
But still, I hate lying. But honesty can cause it's own troubles. I guess this goes to show that $405 will not buy my sanity.
But still, I hate lying. But honesty can cause it's own troubles. I guess this goes to show that $405 will not buy my sanity.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
And now for something completely indifferent
Can I stand being at wokr for 20 hours straight? Perhaps. I've been using free time to read the Wolves of Calla. I got through 75 pages last night. And tonight I'll be hopping from one plant to the next. Time in there for dinner and perhaps a nap. We'll see. Plus I found a learning-how-to-drive video game I can download from work. Kind of fun, though a lot harder than actually driving. And, oh yeah, there is work to do, once in a while. And I can walk around among the lines to see if anyone's working. That breaks the monotony too.
2:59am
Still awake, though I dare not take the other pill. Four more hours. But now I'm wondering what hours to work tomorrow. 12-12, starting to shift back to first? 7-7 again, knowing that they will be blacked out after 11? Or work here for a few hours, then go to another plant for the rest of the time? I guess it all depends on what time I actually wake up tomorrow.
12:15am
It has been an hour since I took 200mg of Seroquel. Yeah, I'm still at work until 7am, and yeah, I took a pill that might make me drowsy. That's why I only took half the dose and will take the other half later. I'm not exactly sure why took it at all, really. At first I thought it might be because I didn't want to mess up my med schedule. Then I thought, maybe I'm an idiot who will get what he deserves for taking that pill. But I really think I just was afraid - afraid of turning manic. The conditions are right: projects to work on (e.g. robotics), expecting to have to take a leadership role, long work hours, being awake during my normal sleeping period, thinking of things I want (for Christmas and otherwise), small things I want to finish (books and games). Or maybe I'm more scared because I'm not manic already. I should be happier or crazier than I am. But instead, I'm just a bit tired, a little dazed, and pissed that my new pc crashes with certain video files.
Friday, November 28, 2003
Who's on first, what's on second, and I don't know's on third
Welcome back to third shift. Just woke up and ate "breakfast". Now it's time to go find lunch and a bunch of Red Bulls.
But it just feels like I'm forgetting something while I'm trying to leave. What could it be? My sanity perhaps? Oh well, gotta go. In case I need it, I'm bringing a book to read.
But it just feels like I'm forgetting something while I'm trying to leave. What could it be? My sanity perhaps? Oh well, gotta go. In case I need it, I'm bringing a book to read.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Turkey day
Yeah, typical Thanksgiving... Went to the annual Filipino mass at St. Hugo's, then to one of the aunt's houses for lunch/dinner. Now I'm back home, ready to do laundry.
Okay, so maybe laundry isn't my typical Thanksgiving, but who cares. I have 32 hours to work from Friday to Sunday, plus an hour (?) meeting in there too. I've got a robotics meeting tomorrow at 10am, then I'll be working from 7pm Friday to 7am Saturday, 7pm Saturday to 3pm Sunday (yeah, I think it would be best to just work the shift back to days as back-to-back shifts) then Monday will be business as usual.
I probably shouldn't volunteer for this kind of swing work. It can't be good for either my body or for my emotions. But I'm hoping the extra $2000+ and one more vacation day might prove beneficial in the long run.
Okay, so maybe laundry isn't my typical Thanksgiving, but who cares. I have 32 hours to work from Friday to Sunday, plus an hour (?) meeting in there too. I've got a robotics meeting tomorrow at 10am, then I'll be working from 7pm Friday to 7am Saturday, 7pm Saturday to 3pm Sunday (yeah, I think it would be best to just work the shift back to days as back-to-back shifts) then Monday will be business as usual.
I probably shouldn't volunteer for this kind of swing work. It can't be good for either my body or for my emotions. But I'm hoping the extra $2000+ and one more vacation day might prove beneficial in the long run.
I have to give a speech???
Yeah, I knew it was coming. I was already warned several times. Worst of all, I volunteered for it 8 months ago, but it wasn't my fault I was drunk. Well, okay maybe it was, but still. But anyway, all that being said, I was asked to be my brother's best man. In case you didn't catch the full implication of that, I'll spell it out. He just got engaged yesterday, and now he asked me to be the best man. It's funny, though. I still remember what was going through my head on St. Patrick's Day. That day, not even realizing they were starting to date already, I was thinking, "What if those two hooked up? What would I say at the reception?" And when I got really drunk and my brother thought I said something that sounded like I still liked her, he pulled me aside and all I could do was laugh and say "It would be the greatest honor if I could be your best man." What can II say, I was drunk. Anyway, I agreed not to tell any drunk stories about her (specifically St. Paddy's Day), but I guess I'm still fair game.
"To alcohol, the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson
"To alcohol, the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need.
I've often thought about how cool it would be to just drop everything, take all my knowledge and wisdom, and escape from the idiocy of the modern world to punish them for the injustices and hypocracy by depriving them of my ingenuity and intellect. But in reality, I realize that I'm not really that uniquely smart that my walking off could deprive humanity of anything more than a middle class income's worth of taxes. Nor is my will strong enough to actually abandon society. Atlas would never be shrugging on my behalf. John Galt, I am not.
Living life at 64 hours per week
Work work work. So much stuff I have to do at home, too. Like clean my room and get back into an organized life. And recharge all my dead batteries. And wash my laundry. And most importantly, play games on my laptop. But I don't know if that will help.
Between work and helping family, I haven't had much time lately, to actually use my stupid laptop, besides installing programs and patches. I actually fell asleep last night, in the middle of an IM conversation, the laptop sitting open on a pillow on my bed, and I laid stretched out with one leg folded beneath the other and left arm behind my back, without circulation in either appendage. Of course, I was tired all morning, to the point I was concerned that I might feint in front of a hilo. But, even if I were awake, I might not find much to do here at the plant. Life is so boring sometimes...
But it sounds like tomorrow will not be. Tomorrow will be busy and so will the weekend, but all I really want is some down time. However, I know that life will get busier before it lets up. Work projects & christmas shopping, work projects & robotics, work projects & confirmation retreats & robot competitions, and the next thing I know, it will be summer.
Between work and helping family, I haven't had much time lately, to actually use my stupid laptop, besides installing programs and patches. I actually fell asleep last night, in the middle of an IM conversation, the laptop sitting open on a pillow on my bed, and I laid stretched out with one leg folded beneath the other and left arm behind my back, without circulation in either appendage. Of course, I was tired all morning, to the point I was concerned that I might feint in front of a hilo. But, even if I were awake, I might not find much to do here at the plant. Life is so boring sometimes...
But it sounds like tomorrow will not be. Tomorrow will be busy and so will the weekend, but all I really want is some down time. However, I know that life will get busier before it lets up. Work projects & christmas shopping, work projects & robotics, work projects & confirmation retreats & robot competitions, and the next thing I know, it will be summer.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Wireless shmireless...
Okay, so I setup my wireless (802.11g) router last night. Too bad I can't seem to find it from my room. I might need to move it someplace else in order to get communications... Or maybe I'll just setup a switch in my room and do it the easy (and more reliable) way.
As above, so below
This saying has countless meanings, correlating the relationship between mystical and mundane, heaven and earth, universes and atoms. But right now, for me, it's manias and depressions. What I start in a mania I carry through in a depression. What energizes me when I'm up, isolates and surpresses me when I'm down.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Party on...
Went to a party at my buddy's house. He is one of my fraternity brothers and his wife is member of a sorority that we partied with a lot up at college, so of course it was a great time. Especially for those that were drinking.
It pisses me off that I still get so upset about not being able to drink. I wasn't that much of a lush to begin with, and I didn't even drink that often or that much when I was still able to drink. But now it upsets me greatly. And I think it's because I am starting to get upset with myself for why I stopped drinking: because my psychiatrist told me to stop drinking, because I started to see a psychiatrist at all, because I had decided I was not strong enough to deal with my problems on my own, because I needed an outside reason that could explain my problems instead of admitting that I am the cause of many of my problems. So when I go someplace where I would normally drink with friends, I think it makes me think that I am weak. And I am.
It pisses me off that I still get so upset about not being able to drink. I wasn't that much of a lush to begin with, and I didn't even drink that often or that much when I was still able to drink. But now it upsets me greatly. And I think it's because I am starting to get upset with myself for why I stopped drinking: because my psychiatrist told me to stop drinking, because I started to see a psychiatrist at all, because I had decided I was not strong enough to deal with my problems on my own, because I needed an outside reason that could explain my problems instead of admitting that I am the cause of many of my problems. So when I go someplace where I would normally drink with friends, I think it makes me think that I am weak. And I am.
Blogging at 1600x1200
It's running on battery power and 802.11g alone. Look ma, no cables! And a little bit of debt. The games look awesome, though.
But first things first: upgrading drivers, installing new ones, and getting used to the new keyboard layout.
I must say, I'm glad I bought this. I'm sure I'll use it well.
But first things first: upgrading drivers, installing new ones, and getting used to the new keyboard layout.
I must say, I'm glad I bought this. I'm sure I'll use it well.
Charging
So, I have it now. It's charging. Too bad I have to go to work right now. I want to play with it first...
Thursday, November 20, 2003
It was here, and I missed it!!!
It shipped. Yeah, I think I mentioned that. But actually, it was here. And they left the door tag. But while I was up there getting yesterday's package, they never mentioned that another package was waiting for me. Stupid FedEx!
I think its kind of funny, because I've already got a box full of software that I want to install on it. Some are office and developer packages like Office XP, ACDSee, Autodesk Inventor, and 3DStudio Max; some are games like Exile, Uru, Grand Theft Auto 3, Vice City, Enter the Matrix, Jedi Academy, Knights of the Old Republic, Divine Dívinity, and Shadowbane; then there will be a lot of other software like Zoom Player, WinRar, DC++, BitTorrent++, Kazaa Lite, codecs, dvd burner programs, video editing programs. And the interesting part will be that all of them will legal. How things have changed...
Plus there are hardware accessories, such as the Conspiracy Blue MS Mouse, the USB hubs (one 1.1 unpowered, one 2.0 powered), the Firewire hub, the Antec Notebook Cooler, the silly litte Antec mini-lights, the Bluetooth adapter, the Logitech Wireless Rumbling Gamepad, Panasonic noise-cancelling headphones, the Canon Lide 30 flatbed scanner, the Sony DVD+/-R-RW, and the Linksys VPN-capable wireless router (the package I picked up this evening). Plus I plan on the Logitech's diNovo Bluetooth keyboard/mouse set when it comes out. I will also need a new cd binder that I can carry in my bag. I wonder exactly how I plan on transporting all of this stuff around. Good thing I won't need to do that for a while.
I think its kind of funny, because I've already got a box full of software that I want to install on it. Some are office and developer packages like Office XP, ACDSee, Autodesk Inventor, and 3DStudio Max; some are games like Exile, Uru, Grand Theft Auto 3, Vice City, Enter the Matrix, Jedi Academy, Knights of the Old Republic, Divine Dívinity, and Shadowbane; then there will be a lot of other software like Zoom Player, WinRar, DC++, BitTorrent++, Kazaa Lite, codecs, dvd burner programs, video editing programs. And the interesting part will be that all of them will legal. How things have changed...
Plus there are hardware accessories, such as the Conspiracy Blue MS Mouse, the USB hubs (one 1.1 unpowered, one 2.0 powered), the Firewire hub, the Antec Notebook Cooler, the silly litte Antec mini-lights, the Bluetooth adapter, the Logitech Wireless Rumbling Gamepad, Panasonic noise-cancelling headphones, the Canon Lide 30 flatbed scanner, the Sony DVD+/-R-RW, and the Linksys VPN-capable wireless router (the package I picked up this evening). Plus I plan on the Logitech's diNovo Bluetooth keyboard/mouse set when it comes out. I will also need a new cd binder that I can carry in my bag. I wonder exactly how I plan on transporting all of this stuff around. Good thing I won't need to do that for a while.
Do I stay or do I go?
I don't know whether to be happy or ecstatic. Twinsburg is done. No scheduled travel all the way through the end of January. Just some hopping back and forth between Warren and Sterling. Which means I'll have time in town. Time is cool. I never knew how important time is until I started working 50-90 hours per week. But now I know how much the opportunity cost of time can be. Needless to say, I've got to take some time for myself once in a while. That would help me stay sane.
But, being out of town was nice. Got to stay in decent hotels and got paid a per diem for meals. Got away from the family. Now, I think I'm obligated to clean my room. But now I get to do my robotics unhindered. You win some, you lose some.
But, being out of town was nice. Got to stay in decent hotels and got paid a per diem for meals. Got away from the family. Now, I think I'm obligated to clean my room. But now I get to do my robotics unhindered. You win some, you lose some.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
On the bright side
My computer has shipped! Fedex tracking estimates Monday. JT the Gamer will finally come out to play again!
The seeds of a mania
It's been planted once again. FIRST. This will be the 3rd January mania, if it happens. JT the Roboticist wants to come out, and will probably beat out JT the Gamer pretty easily. What'st the likelihood O'll actually have free time in January to build a robot? Not much. Yet still I find myself gettting ready to volunteer for not just one, but two teams. And not just in effort and spirit, but monetary donations as well.
On the other hand, it also seems like I might be doing it to relive times that won't be relived, to build up a defense against a depression that may develop in place of that mania. January actually scares me more than I look forward to it.
On the other hand, it also seems like I might be doing it to relive times that won't be relived, to build up a defense against a depression that may develop in place of that mania. January actually scares me more than I look forward to it.
Your silence is conclusive
Yeah, I haven't been writing nearly as much lately. I guess I really don't know what to say. On the one hand, I am so utterly bored with my current life that I bring myself down with thoughts of what I consider failed relationships. On the other hand, I am keenly anticipating the start of the next FIRST robotics competition in January. And somewhere in the middle, I want my laptop. And other than that, I paint my brother's cabinets and that's about it.
Monday, November 17, 2003
What to say...
Any time I've found myself alone, lately, I start thinking. Thinking about my life upto now. And I find myself thinking about the two girls that I've loved before, and.... Well, one more. It bothers me to think about the last one. Not so much about how old she is, but that she has a boyfriend. The moment has passed, but it was a fun moment that I wish could have gone on.
I was thinking about going to church today. Actually I wanted to go so that I could try to catch the Confirmation classes starting up right before mass. Which really means that I wanted to catch the teen facilitators. Which really means... I'm an idiot.
I was thinking about going to church today. Actually I wanted to go so that I could try to catch the Confirmation classes starting up right before mass. Which really means that I wanted to catch the teen facilitators. Which really means... I'm an idiot.
Friday, November 14, 2003
JT the Chef?
I cooked today. Reprise of my famour Chicken Cacciatore, but this time with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law to enjoy. It was fun cooking again... probably the first time I've cooked in my mom's kitchen in the last two years. My sister-in-law told me I have to quit my job and become a chef. While I'd love to do that, I think I need to earn enough money to open my own restaurant first.
Wait, JY the chef? Not JT the lawyer or JT the manager or JT the photographer or JT the game designer or JT the stock market analyst or JT the slumlord or whatever long term plans I always imagined I would do? Who knows....
Wait, JY the chef? Not JT the lawyer or JT the manager or JT the photographer or JT the game designer or JT the stock market analyst or JT the slumlord or whatever long term plans I always imagined I would do? Who knows....
The most foul tasting stuff I've ever had
I popped something in my mouth this morning, and swallowed it. I've done it before and never really noticed anything. But today, my stomach wants me to burp. A lot. And with the burp, not only gas came up, but it came back up too. And in it's half disolved state, with no coatings or casings, it lodged a small portion in the back of my throat, where the nose meets the mouth. And I smelled it and tasted it. And it burned. It tasted like rust mixed with acid mixed with a super-dosage of salt mixed with vomit mixed with other indescribable tastes. And it reeked of formaldehyde and vomit. And it felt like a paste, gritty like salt and immovable like spackle. It dried my mouth instantly. And it burned. And standing over a drinking fountain for five minutes, it would not go away. Several hours and several liters later, the taste and feel still lingers.
And what was this vile, nasty, foul substance?
Lithium.
And what was this vile, nasty, foul substance?
Lithium.
I've been granted a stay
Funny... the first words I thought when my boss called me this morning were "I've been granted a stay". Then I realized that this is usually used in terms of a stay of execution. While my head was not on the chopping block, my ass was supposed to be sent down to Twinsburg on Saturday. But my coworker who is down there decided that he wasn't going to let me meddle in his work, so he's skipping his vacation and staying down there instead. Cool.
But anyway it's really late: 1:30am. I spent most of the evening eating pizza and performing random carjackings and making spectacular jumps on a crotch rocket. In other words, I went to my friend's house and spent a good 5 hours or so playing Vice City on his Xbox, since my $3900 copy of GTA:VC is still being built (now in phase 10/14).
So, I should sleep. I have to work tomorrow, even though it's a holiday. What holiday you ask? Why it's Michigan's Bambi Day! Okay, while most companies will call it "Veterans' Day (Observed)" it's really only a paid holiday because Saturday is the start of deer hunting season (the rifle version), so "everyone" will be heading up there a day early to get into their little hiding spots and get drunk.
Meanwhile I'll be sitting around wondering why I've been asked to work, with so few people left in the plant.
But anyway it's really late: 1:30am. I spent most of the evening eating pizza and performing random carjackings and making spectacular jumps on a crotch rocket. In other words, I went to my friend's house and spent a good 5 hours or so playing Vice City on his Xbox, since my $3900 copy of GTA:VC is still being built (now in phase 10/14).
So, I should sleep. I have to work tomorrow, even though it's a holiday. What holiday you ask? Why it's Michigan's Bambi Day! Okay, while most companies will call it "Veterans' Day (Observed)" it's really only a paid holiday because Saturday is the start of deer hunting season (the rifle version), so "everyone" will be heading up there a day early to get into their little hiding spots and get drunk.
Meanwhile I'll be sitting around wondering why I've been asked to work, with so few people left in the plant.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Looking up
Today is not so bad. Was busy working in the morning, sat around and babysat one of the running machines (and got some time for Snood), skipped lunch, and left early to get my crown put in (which didn't fit... oh well). Tonight will be celebration for birthdays (my mom's and sister's). I already gave my sister her gift (a bunch of DVD's) and will probably give my mom some spending cash for her trip this weekend to see her sister. My brother's birthday is next week, and I'll be giving him some DVD's (The Simpsons... he's a Simpsons freak) and a gift card for home improvements. But most importantly my computer now is at Phase 9 of 14!
Phase 9: (Production: Assembly & Integration)
Your system is being hand-built by an Alienware® Assembly Technician. We take great pride in building systems as our motto reflects "build it as if it were your own". The assembly stage can take sometime as all the cabling in the machine is carefully done and the results are greater upgrade flexibility and thermal airflows. Every assembly technician has been qualified with Alienware Standards and has undergone a rigorous training program. We pride ourselves on not only giving you a high performance computer system, but a piece of art!
After this is software install, burn-in, quality checks, packaging and shipping. Hopefully this means that they'll be shipping by next week, so that it will get here when I'm back on the week of Thanksgiving. Otherwise, I might not actually get it until mid-December, and I won't be happy with that.
Phase 9: (Production: Assembly & Integration)
Your system is being hand-built by an Alienware® Assembly Technician. We take great pride in building systems as our motto reflects "build it as if it were your own". The assembly stage can take sometime as all the cabling in the machine is carefully done and the results are greater upgrade flexibility and thermal airflows. Every assembly technician has been qualified with Alienware Standards and has undergone a rigorous training program. We pride ourselves on not only giving you a high performance computer system, but a piece of art!
After this is software install, burn-in, quality checks, packaging and shipping. Hopefully this means that they'll be shipping by next week, so that it will get here when I'm back on the week of Thanksgiving. Otherwise, I might not actually get it until mid-December, and I won't be happy with that.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Those who abandoned their dreams will discourage yours.
Got an email today, one of those "pass it on to others" emails, this time talking about the value of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah... whatever. The thing that caught me was the signature of one of the forwarders'. The signature said: Those who abandoned their dreams will discourage yours. Heh... I guess that goes to show that I'm discouraging the dreams of others. But I guess I knew that. Selfish of me, I know. Oh well.
Also, since I received three or four of these messages today, it also makes me reflect on the fact that I have found myself in probably the most spiritual state I have been in since 1996. I just feel like I can finally accept God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for what they are. But, even so, I feel no particular connection to the Church. And I don't feel any particular need to pray for anything. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, there is a God, but I really don't give a f----. Deep, huh?
Also, since I received three or four of these messages today, it also makes me reflect on the fact that I have found myself in probably the most spiritual state I have been in since 1996. I just feel like I can finally accept God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for what they are. But, even so, I feel no particular connection to the Church. And I don't feel any particular need to pray for anything. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, there is a God, but I really don't give a f----. Deep, huh?
What to do with a early day off? Play video games, of course!
Okay, went to the store to buy War of the Monsters, hoping to relive some of the days of playing the classic game Rampage. I'm getting my ass kicked.
Today (and yesterday), I got to sit around and watch machines run. Just robots and clamps and weld guns moving back and forth, carrying and welding imaginary steel. This is probably the closest I will ever get to being paid almost $400/day to watch paint dry. On the upside, it means that I have time to play games and write draft copies of my next blog postings. On the downside, it means that I have time to sit around and think. Despite the fact that it is an exercise I enjoy having the time to do, it invariably results in a morose outlook of my life. Somtimes the playing games or reading newspapers is enough of a distraction from any downtrodden thoughts; sometimes it only serves to lessen my self-esteem. After all, isn't it sad that I have nothing better to do than sit here and brood about my inability to achieve any worthwhile interests either in the world of this job or in the reality outside of it? If I were to get out early today, what more fulfilling thing would I go do? So I sit here writing notes that few, if any, will actually read, as if jotting down notes will serve as any better therapy this time than it has before in my life. It simply feels pathetic.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Restless tonight, cause I wasted the light...
Music Accompaniment: Figner Eleven - One Thing
Funny. There are 45 more days until Christmas. Earlier today, it occured to me that I had to find this out. Must have been important, but I'm not really sure. It's not for presents, I'm sure of that; anything I can ask for on my Christmas list is definitely something I don't need. So what else. Yeah, I know. The traditional Christmas midnight mass, which comes before the present giving. We've gone every year for the past who knows how many years. And for the past five, my main reason for going has not been to celibrate the birth of Christ our lord. No, it has been solely in hopes that I might see someone I used to care about, to maybe kindle a love that really only existed in my own mind, not in her's, no matter how much I really wanted it to be there. And last year will be the last time I see that person again, with that hopeful look in my eyes. Because it happened, I saw her again, and a love did indeed blume out of that meeting. Mind you, that love was kindled between her and my brother, not I. I am actually grateful for that fact, however, in more ways that I can actually express. But it still leaves me with a disheartened spirit and an unstill mind. For this is not the only "love" of my life that is no longer. My German exgirlfriend. No more need for special not-quite-relationship terms; I've had all the closure I will ever get. And that's it. Maybe there were some other directions my heart tried to pull me, but I know now what I quite fully knew back then. Perhaps I've shared moments with them, but those moments have passed. Yeah, I guess I know; I just hate how it sounds.
So where am I going with this? This what? This post? This blog? This life? In a nut shell, I've said that I don't have much to look forward to, is that it? Well, I guess tomorrow is something to look forward to. Or maybe it's nothing. At the very least it's another day.
Funny. There are 45 more days until Christmas. Earlier today, it occured to me that I had to find this out. Must have been important, but I'm not really sure. It's not for presents, I'm sure of that; anything I can ask for on my Christmas list is definitely something I don't need. So what else. Yeah, I know. The traditional Christmas midnight mass, which comes before the present giving. We've gone every year for the past who knows how many years. And for the past five, my main reason for going has not been to celibrate the birth of Christ our lord. No, it has been solely in hopes that I might see someone I used to care about, to maybe kindle a love that really only existed in my own mind, not in her's, no matter how much I really wanted it to be there. And last year will be the last time I see that person again, with that hopeful look in my eyes. Because it happened, I saw her again, and a love did indeed blume out of that meeting. Mind you, that love was kindled between her and my brother, not I. I am actually grateful for that fact, however, in more ways that I can actually express. But it still leaves me with a disheartened spirit and an unstill mind. For this is not the only "love" of my life that is no longer. My German exgirlfriend. No more need for special not-quite-relationship terms; I've had all the closure I will ever get. And that's it. Maybe there were some other directions my heart tried to pull me, but I know now what I quite fully knew back then. Perhaps I've shared moments with them, but those moments have passed. Yeah, I guess I know; I just hate how it sounds.
So where am I going with this? This what? This post? This blog? This life? In a nut shell, I've said that I don't have much to look forward to, is that it? Well, I guess tomorrow is something to look forward to. Or maybe it's nothing. At the very least it's another day.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Another quiz
Your soul is bound to the Fourth Totem, Solomon:
The Owl.
Solomon appears as an azure feathered owl. He
embodies wisdom, judgement, reason, and
stability. He is associated with the color
azure, the season of autumn, and the element of
water. His downfall is farsightedness.
You are most compatible with Ravens and Monkeys.
Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
work...
Something has been bothering me the past few days, but I could never really figure out what it was. But when I sat down break table at work today and started playing a video game, I realized that it was blindingly obvious what was wrong. Basically, my mood for the past who knows how long has been entirely based upon whether I was busy or bored at work: if busy, I was up; if bored, I was down. There was nothing more to it than that. I had nothing outside of work to really look forward to. The only things I actually look forward to was if I was going out of town soon, or if I was going back home soon.
It's almost like I've got nothing... Just work, a blog, and a few friends I never see. And medications. Yeah, those too. How depressing...
It's almost like I've got nothing... Just work, a blog, and a few friends I never see. And medications. Yeah, those too. How depressing...
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Tired....
Okay, I think I proved the new alarm clock works, well kind of. Yeah, I bought one of those alarm clocks "for the deep sleeper" so instead of just ignoring the radio and buzzer of old alarm clock, I now have to ignore my head being vibrated and my lamp flashing on and off. I woke up with only about 4 hours of sleep last night, something I haven't managed to do since senior year in college (I think I burned myself out that year).
But the alarm clock only kind of works, because it wakes me up and keeps me awake (staring at the clock, usually), but it still doesn't motivate me to actually get out of bed. I don't know what would make me want to do that.
But the alarm clock only kind of works, because it wakes me up and keeps me awake (staring at the clock, usually), but it still doesn't motivate me to actually get out of bed. I don't know what would make me want to do that.
Matrix Revulsions... I mean, Revolutions
Okay, well I didn't hate it... But never in my life have I thought about a main character and said "Just die already, will you! Shut up! You've should have already bled to death, but instead you're talking about what you should have said, blah blah blah." And the special effects, well, I kept thinking, "Yeah, okay you've proven you can do that special effect already. How about something else?" And the religous references... Not quite as bad as End of Eva, but still laid on way too thick.
But, at least it was an end.
But, at least it was an end.
Friday, November 07, 2003
No more random traffic...
Well, for better or for worse, the MIRT traffic to my blog stopped abruptly shortly after 4pm last night. Why? who knows. but why is it that people are so intent on looking for ways to bypass the system? I mean, all of my search hits are people looking to cheat traffic lights or people looking to download stuff that they should be paying for. arrrg... When did I get morals?
Meanwhile, like the clocks in your high school geometry class, the minute hand just ticked backwards from 2:59 to 2:55... My laptop, which was up to phase 5 yesterday, is now in phase 2. *sob*...
Meanwhile, like the clocks in your high school geometry class, the minute hand just ticked backwards from 2:59 to 2:55... My laptop, which was up to phase 5 yesterday, is now in phase 2. *sob*...
Thursday, November 06, 2003
A quiz?
Haven't done a quiz in a while. Saw this quiz Baka-Neko's blog, and decided it look cool, so here I am:
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
The Matrix has me....
Well, it really doesn't. I mean, I want to see it, but more to see it end than anything else. In any case, I bought 5 tickets for tomorrow for me and the sibs (plus the brother's girlfriend).
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Phase 5/14
Okay, so my laptop is:
"Phase 5: (Pre-Production Inventory Queue phase)
Your system is now on queue and awaiting inventory inspection and audit. "
I'm starting to get twitchy.
"Phase 5: (Pre-Production Inventory Queue phase)
Your system is now on queue and awaiting inventory inspection and audit. "
I'm starting to get twitchy.
Must see eye doctor...
This is the second night in a row I lost a contact. Yesterday, it was my right; this morning it was my left. Luckily, this morning, the right eye contact was still fresh and behaving well, because otherwise I'd be completely blind. That would probably be a bad condition in which to be operating production machinery.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
ooh, a roller coaster!
I just looked at my last 3 credit card statement, and the total since then. August went up $1700, September went down $3900, October went down $7700 (!), and it looks like November will go back up $4000 (but who knows, I've still got another 2 weeks til my next statement).
The imaginary to do list
I knocked off two things that I keep telling myself I have to do. I called HP and told them to send me a replacement iPaq since mine is broken. And I called Alienware and told them to upgrade my system to PC3200 DDR RAM (which they just made available as an option last Tuesday, the day after I ordered it).
Other things to do: get my permanent crown put in, quit this stupid computer book club that keeps sending me stuff, figure out what medical plan I want when they finally let me sign up in January, figure out what to give my mom for her birthday, update my Christmas wishlist, and probably three more things tht I'm forgetting.
Other things to do: get my permanent crown put in, quit this stupid computer book club that keeps sending me stuff, figure out what medical plan I want when they finally let me sign up in January, figure out what to give my mom for her birthday, update my Christmas wishlist, and probably three more things tht I'm forgetting.
Shrink again
Yup, another psychiatrist appointment, Tuesday at noon when I'm in town. My lithium level read extremely low last time (400 as opposed to the 600 from the last two readings), but she wants me to take another blood test to make sure. Yippie... Anyway, I told her about the overnighter and how my mood for most of the rest to the time was basically indifferent. So, I'm back on Seroquel 200mg tablets; only this time, I've got to take two! So now I'm up to 400mg of Seroquel. I should go back and review what the possible side effects of Seroquel are, I think. Especially after this afterrnoon, when I read an article in the Free Press about drugs being prescribed for off-label uses (ie non-FDA approved purposes). Seroquel was the second highest on their list. And I think I know why now. It's not indicated for bipolars, only for schizophrenics. AstraZeneca is trying to get FDA approval, but they don't have it right now. hmm...
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Church, but not my own.
Went to church on the way home today. Well, kind of on the way home. I finally decided to attend mass at St. Rita's in Solon OH, which is about 2 miles from my hotel. It was mass, just like any other, I guess. Some masses which I've been to while out of town (for example, St Mary's in Auburn NY) I really didn't like, sometimes the way the pastor said his sermon, sometimes the way the music sounds, sometimes the plain architecture of the building. But this one just reminded me in a lot of ways, of St. Anastastasia in Troy MI. Except I didn't know anyone. Well, what can you do?
Saturday, November 01, 2003
just a little touch of burntness in the air
So, I'm back. My windows are still open (the firemen openned them this morning). It still smells a little burnt. I think dinner tonight will be cooked via microwave. Just gotta figure out what I can do with a chicken breast, green onions, half an onion, a green pepper, and some frozen veggies in a microwave.
oops
Not only did I burn my bacon, but I set off the fire alarms. A lot of people trying to sleep in must love me right now. Solon fired department just came in to see if they can do anything to help vent the room. I'll have to go down and apologize to the front desk.
Sometimes distance doesn't matter
Though distance keeps us apart, sometimes cell phones and the internet keep us together.
Archives
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
