The Bipolar Otaku

It's kind of odd, when you chat with someone you used to chat with all the time, and you discover that they are genuinely happy... and the conversation just feels so distant, because you don't even have that in common any more. I mean, I feel happy for them, but at that moment, I felt bad for myself, because I really had nothing to be happy about.

Last Christmas I asked for Final Fantasy XI, the MMORPG... and I got it. So now that I finally finished Knights of the Old Republic, I decided to load it up and start playing.

I decide to go with what I figured would be an uncommon character race: a Tarutaru. Imagine a big (2' tall) teddy bear that casts magic. I haven't even left the walls of the city, yet, so I haven't seen how powerful it can be. But I did manage to go around an entire section of the city to try to sell a new model hat, so I have completed at least one quest. Anyway what I've noteiced so far in this game is
1) people make no attempt to run around the little guy; running over them (sometimes changing your path to do so) is MUCH more popular;
2) people really spend a lot of time cooking; the kitchens are always packed (although I can't even afford ingredients yet);
3) everyone not cooking is fishing; anywhere there's water, there are fishermen;
4) Quests are plentiful; however, many quest require having some significant resources first, which I don't have;
5) The lack of voiceovers and changing soundtracks is quite bothersome; I guess FFX and FFX-2 just spoiled me;
6) The lack of almost immediate violence (in tutorial form, of course) bothered me too; whenever I finally get into a fight, I'm sure I'll get wasted easily, even if it's by a rabbit;
7) Shouldn't I be worrying about some robotics thing or another, or looking up home listings or something?

It will begin shortly... Another game addiction.

Athens did an amazingly good job at Les Miz. Granted, the audio guy must have been extremely busy trying to equilize all of the people who had one line in a song and didn't sing nearly loud enough, and Marius left a little to be desired (it seemed almost like he sang out of his nose, if that were possible), all of the rest of the main characters (Valjean, Javert, Thenardier, Eponine, Cosette) were awesome. And the pit orchestra was amazing too.

I did kind of want to go backstage after the show and congratulate the few people I knew that were in the show (mostly in the pit orchestra), but I decided not to. After, what did I really want to do back there? Hit on a soon to be graduate? No, I left. But it was kind of cool to be back in my high school again, even if I really got to see so little of it.

I feel... Excited. Energized. Nervous. Inexperienced. Hopeful. Naive. Spun. Clueless. I don't know....

But, there's this property. It's right up there with the amount that I will be pre-approved for, so it's basically at the max of what I can afford.

But it's lake-front property. A personal beach. And a pretty big house. Possibly a hot tub. Possibly a walk out basement. I'm told it might need a lot of interior updating, but I kind of expect that in any house I buy. Basically, everything that I always thought I wanted in a house that I couldn't afford. But I can afford it. Not only that, I might be able to pick it up before it ever makes it to the market.

I want it. I'm going to go make a drive-by tomorrow, check out the neighborhood and all that.

Main Entry: im·pet·u·ous
Pronunciation: im-'pech-w&s, -'pe-ch&-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French impetueux, from Late Latin impetuosus, from Latin impetus
1 : marked by impulsive vehemence or passion <an impetuous temperament>
2 : marked by force and violence of movement or action <an impetuous wind>

For some reason this word came to mind this evening, shortly after I made a phone call. The call was to someone in Atlanta, to say that I plan on going down to Atlanta for the National Championships of FIRST Robotics, and that I'd like to volunteer. No, my team probably won't be there, but I'm going to go drive down anyway. I wonder if I can drag my brother along too...

Funny article: this guy decides to give up being Filipino for Lent.

I realized today, that it's been an unusually long time since I last talked with on of my friends. Yeah, my really good friend from high school, my brother's fiancee, my future sister-in-law, her. I think I've seen her just once since her grandfather's funeral last month, and maybe talked with her on the phone only twice for a period longer than 30 seconds. Of course, since they've been together, I talk to my brother a heck of a lot more than I used to, so I hear about her a lot through him, but I rarely get to speak to her anymore. I think I figured out why.

Well, she and I have always been really open with each other when it comes to personal matters. And when we talked today, even though all she wanted to ask me about is if I would be going to see Les Miz this Friday (can't, working, will be seeing it on Saturday), we start talking about this thing and that thing and the other thing and shortly thereafter, she's bawling. She's telling me about everything, and there's nothing I can say, nothing I can do, but so much I want to convey and I can't. I want to comfort her but I can't. So eventually she has to hang up on me because she simply can't talk to me anymore. And I feel powerless, as a friend, as a family member, as a person.

Such an ill fate, to be so separated from such a close friend.

Or maybe forward to moving. Either way. The story is that I called a loan agent so I can move forward on getting a mortgage. Basically, I'm approvable... a credit score of 667, with a 630 required minimum. I do have to clean up one little mess, or else I'll get hit with slightly higher premiums. I just need to get my W-2's together and hand them in, and I'd be able to close on a house as early as Monday. In theory, at least. But one step at a time... gotta turn in the paperwork... gotta take care of that one mess... gotta find a real estate agent... gotta decide where I want to live... gotta go house shopping... still a long way to go.

Another opportunity cost of $1000... but well worth it.

Our robot team lost. Seven losses and one win. 30th place out of 32 teams. Through an interesting sequence of events precipitated by an amazingly talkative girl on our team, we managed to get chosen as an alliance. Basically, the tenth place team managed to get elevated to become the eighth seed, but they had no idea what teams to choose as their alliance partners. But this girl, the head of our scouting team, happened to be talking to that teams captain earlier and told them we would be a perfect alliance partner. They bought it. So we first get matched up against the first place team and their alliance partners. 2 wins, 0 losses; we advance to the semifinals. Up against the fourth seed alliance. 1 loss, 2 wins; we advance to the finals! Up against the second seed alliance... 2 losses. But really, who would have ever thought that the third from last lowest team would become the runner up for the entire competition! Amazing, unbelievable, unprecidented... many words fit.

After that, went another confirmation retreat. Eh... It was worthwhile, but not as fun as last week's retreat. But it was cool because I started to remember stories of church retreats and conferences from 10 years ago. So while one senior was telling a story about Rainbow XXII, I was telling a story about Rainbow XII. Go figure.

Then another LifeTeen mass, followed by a meeting where we discussed the Passion of Christ. It was interesting talking to other people about it, especially because each of us at the table seemed to know a lot about different aspects of the movie. Like one guy in a Catholic school knew a lot about what the gospels actually said. Another guy knew a lot about the making of the movie. I happened to know a lot about the development of the Catholic church in the years following and a bit about the Old Testament. One person had a book that answered a whole bunch of questions about the what's and why's about the movie. Maybe that would be something interesting to read.

But in any case, yes, it was worth the lost revenue. But I think I'll work next Sunday. I won't work Saturday, though, since I really really want to see my alma mater's rendition of Les Miserables. I love that musical, and it's even cooler since I know Thenardier and someone in the "pit" orchestra.

I fell asleep at 4am last night, having a seat on the couch after putting my guitar away. But that's fine. I got down to Wayne State at around 8:30, and realized quickly that I'd just be in the way in the pits. So I stepped back and let them work, took a seat in the stands (very uncomfortable) and sat there the entire day while taking miniscule and obscure notes in the lineup schedule. Our bot came a long way since the morning... but the question is, will it be able to hang? Otherwise, we'd be nothing but an overglorified pushbot, like so many other teams. This competition is small enough that only 8 teams will NOT be in the elimination rounds; we don't want to be one of those 8, would we?

After taking last year about how I would change phone companies immediately after the number portability became available, I changed companies (3 months after it became available). So I'm back with Verizon. Probably should have never left. Oh well.

It's 1:30am. If I go to sleep now, I'll wake up around 9am. I need to be up and at the school by 6:30. So, we have another all-nighter. And I think I'm going to make it this time. Why? Because I won't do anything as careless as reading a book the comfort of my bed. Instead, I'll do some research, finish my laundry, play some guitar, prep my computer, and some other stuff. And at around 5am, I'll make breakfast; don't get to do that very often.

Things going against me: Seroquel. 600mg is a doozy, even when taken in a staggered dose. But since I've been afraid of being manic, I've been taking the extra 200mg these past few days... I think I better stick with that plan today, too.

Major goals:
File taxes - Sent, waiting for confirmation
Apply for a mortgage - Not started
Shop for a house - Not started
Pack all belongings - Not started
Move belongings - Not started
Paint house - Not starrted
Shop for furniture - Not started
Shop for appliances - Not started

Side goals:
Lose 50 lbs - In progress; currently down 20 lbs
Help robotics team - In progress
Help at church's confirmation retreats - In progress
Learn to play guitar - Slow progress

I'm a little uncertain. For some reason, this morning I decided to get out of the house at noon. Maybe it was because I was expecting a phone call and I left my phone in the car. But in any case, as soon as I left, I realized I don't have anything important to do for the next 2 1/2 hours until I have to get to work. So I went to pick up my prescriptions I forgot to pick up yesterday. Then I went to Best Buy and didn't buy anything, then I went to Guitar Center and bought some pick holders and a how-to book that I thought I might be able to follow (How to Learn Guitar for Adults or something like that). Then I sat in work's parking lot for an hour while I read.

Then when I got home, I pulled out the guitar and practiced for 2 hours.

So it makes me wonder... Sure, I don't have any racing thoughts; haven't had them since I've been on a 600mg dose of Seroquel. And I didn't buy anything at Best Buy. But still... Well, just in case, I took the extra "as needed" Seroquel pill of this new prescription. But I think I might want to turn the guitar practice into more of a habit, anyway.

Went to watch the competition at the Great Lakes Regional. I got there late, only saw three of the last eight qualifying rounds. The team all came, though, and got their first taste of what the competition will look like. So now they have until Wednesday to prepare for the real thing. That's going to be an interesting experience... but I'll talk about that later.

So I left Ypsilanti to head over to Walled Lake, and into the reteat. But by the time I get there, I'm in this... mood. I don't even know what to call it. I don't want to do anything, I'm mentally sluggish, but I have absolutely no reason to be depresses. I have energy, but I don't want use it. Someone noticed it too. Maybe I should go take a nap? No, can't let my moods affect my ability to help. And then the answer became clear! COFFEE!

So I drink a cup of coffee. And a second one. Sit down for dinner (where I couldn't eat anything but salad) with a bunch of kids who seem too much of a clique... And they are, but I manged to fit in too. They pull out the cards and start playing Egyptian Rat Screw... Deal me in! Coffee #3... but we ran out of time... time to go back to the retreat.

So 3 cups in, and I'm energetic enough to try talking to the kids and to do stuff with the retreat. Another break... Coffee #4 and another game of Egyptian Rat Screw. The game has changed in the past few years... Well, I guess it's been 8 years since I played. They added sandwiches, since pairs were too uncommon. With 8 people in the game and only one deck of cards, most of the people got out quickly since our hands were so thin. Well, I tried to slap back in, but I was way too slow, and these teens were way too crazy...

Cup #5 and time for Mass. I quickly realized that cup #5 was definitely one too many. Maybe three too many, can't say for sure. But I do know that my mood was flipping back and forth and my hands were shaking like crazy. And I felt scared. Scared of what, though? Scared of the emotional roulette table I guess... Afraid that the ball will fall someplace it shouldn't, that it would make me want to cause damage. And that distracted me through mass. Up until the homily. The priest should the climax of a movie called "The Mission", to demonstrate that God forgives us without the need for us to carry our sins and hold onto our shame. Made me think of Haibane Renmei, and that made me happy.

And the next morning (turning on the ffw button), someone had mentioned CYO's Rainbow conference. Next year is Rainbow XXIII (I think). I want to go... haven't been there since Rainbow XIII (Answer the Call)! And one of the adults tells me I should become a core member of the youth group next year. Huh? I don't know... Maybe... I've already decided I can't teach Confirmation next year, mostly because I would have extreme difficulty teach a program where I can't even express my opinion, especially when it conflicts with the "church's" opinion. No, but I'll help on the retreats. But the youth ministry program started this LifeTeen thing... I don't know much about, but it looks like a cool thing.

So she invited me to come today and check it out. I did. First was LifeTeen Mass, kind of like a normal mass but with better music, I guess. Of course, it was more youth oriented, in subtle ways. And the homily was the same as yesterday's. I sat and talked with someone cool (take a guess) who told me I have to go see Les Miserable at Athens and I promised I would. I found myself singing along with the choir, doing the hand motions like everyone else, and even shouting out certain pairts of the one of the choruses (since I was the only one who was doing the yelling, I told the person next to me "I must still be in Retreat Mode" and she laughed). And on to the Life Night, the actual "youth group meeting". It was an unusual night... they played games all night in a friendly competition. Trivia. Balancing a pan full of water on the group's feet and taking off their shoes for points. Pie eating trivia. Duct-taping kids to the wall. Passing a hulahoop around a circle without breaking hands. I kept on coming up with ideas that would make the task easy (especially the duct-tape one), by finding loopholes in the rules, but I couldn't help the teens. But the message was basically, faith should be fun. That's what I wanted to hear. That's what I want to help out in.

So, I talked with the youth minister, and kinda said I'd be interested in helping next year. And I'm pretty sure the decision isn't manic, so I'm happy about it. So here's a possible beginning, and I like the road it could take.

managed to stay up until 4:30. couldn't make it that last damn hour... hence, I just woke up... oops.

There's this woman at the plant. I don't know her name, and I don't know her story, and, until today, I didn't know what she did. Have no plans on getting to know her, either... She always wears a plain black t-shirt (sometime inside out, I think, to hide the printing), jeans, and a bandana to cover most of her straight brown hair. She's good looking, not goddess-like or anything, but had simple beauty. However, she looks aged, as if she's seen her fair share of stress; I have to think that she's younger than she looks.

Anyway, to get to my point, today I found out she drives a cart around, trailing behind her parts to be used on various lines; in other words, she reports to the Material Control supervisors. So thus, she's a material girl (insert Madonna soundtrack here)... I thought this was hilarious. I somehow doubt anyone else would find it funny... "Well there's this mollusk, and he walks upto a sea cucumber.."

I'm trying to stay up all night... Otherwise I'd have to wake up at 5am in order to get moving at 7am so that I can go watch the robotics tournament. Great Lakes Regional. It's the first time in two years that I haven't been there, because my new team wasn't able to get registered there. It'll be bigger than either of the ones we'll be going to, so we should be able to get a good idea of what the competition will be like. Too bad I'll be too exhausted to really enjoy it...

I had a dream a couple of days ago, where it was kind of like I woke up in the dream. So basically, I realized that in the middle of the dream, that I was, in fact, dreaming, and started messing with my dream semi-consciously.

It started in high school. My senior class was brought together in a room right before graduation, and everyone was given a packet of sheets, each sheet giving a homework assignment. Of course, since we were just graduating, the homework was useless. Dr. Bob (the principle) called it extra credit. That's when I realized that it's one of those things where, which homework assignment(s) you took would mold you into the person you will be. LIke a history essay would make you someone with deeper understandings of the present, a driving course would make you need to drive the rest of your life, one sketch could make you an engineer, another sketch could make you into an artist, etc. That seemed all well and good, but I already graduated; this must be a dream. So what would I do if I could do anything I wanted to at this point? I did the history essay (I never did like the engineering route, when I look back at it), skipped the driving lesson, and then I went out to eat. I didn't recognize the restaurant, but the Thai waitress was a younger version of a woman that works in a local Thai restaurant. And I flirted with her shamelessly. Too bad I could never do the same in real life.

I finished another book. Last week I had finished Shadow Puppets by Orson Scott Card (good book, though I don't know why I could never get past the 2nd chapter for 8 months) and started a new one, The Talisman by Steven King and Peter Straub. I was half way through that book when I realized that, if I had just read the first five pages, I probably wouldn't have bought the book at all. But once the plot started rolling, it moved a long pretty well, even though the author had a tendency to ramble on and on and one about seemingly meaningless stuff. And now, at the end of the book they included in the first chapter of the sequel, The Black House. And again, I don't feel at all interested in the set-up they've made. Oh well, I'll probably go out and buy it one of these days, anyway.

I organized my weekly pill dispenser this morning, only to find out I don't have enough lithium to last the week. I planned on calling my doctor up to send a scrip to the pharmacy, but first, why not check when my next appointment is... Oh. It's tomorrow... How convenient. Too bad I haven't done my blood test. Oh well, it'll have to wait; I'll be late to work.

Nope, don't want to be late for work. Especially when I have to voicemails. Weird, most people don't call me during the day. Worse yet, my boss's boss's doesn't call me, ever. Especially saying that it's urgent. Call him and he asks me if I every got my Canadian working papers... no, they never got processed... okay, then you're off the hook, we don't have time to waste on getting them processed. Once again, I consider myself lucky that my paperwork never got approved... Something about not having enough experience with the company, regardless of the fact that, I had spent more time on the project than almost everyone else in my group, in my old job. So no Toronto trips for me.

And then my sister calls and asks if I knew that Mom is going back to the Phillipines. Huh? She just got back! Well, I don't know anything; I just live with her.

So now I get to think about what I'm going to say to my doctor tomorrow. It'll be much of the usually, I'm sure. I'll talk about my recent ups, and the reflexive downs. And she'll ask about how the lady situation is going.... And what will I say?

I never did mention Miss Fuzzy Bunny. Not that I think that anything romantic or otherwise would ever come out of that, anyway. But why didn't I every mention her? I never told about Starvathon at all, last year. What am I hiding? Definitive mania-drivers, among other things. Perhaps it's time to start talking again.

Congratulations... you've just blown away several months worth of tweeking and all of your configurations! Would you like to register now or later?

Well, as long as I don't see a blue screen anytime soon, I guess I should just count myself luck that I haven't had any major data losses, too. Unfortunately, it must have decided I didn't want to directly overwrite my old Windows directory, and decided to make a \Windows.0 and a \Windows.1 (yeah, it froze during the first attempt). Oh well... Time to start cleaning up around here....

I was afraid it would come to this. I pretty much figured that my XP install was screwed, and Alienware tech support didn't have the super secret quick fixes that I was hoping for. So now, it's time to make the Windows install disk fix the problem. I pretty much think of it as a partial birth reformat. Well, here goes nothing...

Heard a song on the radio while at work yesterday. Copacabana... I haven't heard in the past 5 years. In fact, the last time I heard it, I'm sure she was the one doing it.

She was a friend who used to come by the fraternity house a lot. Went out with one of the guys for a while, but still hung out afterword. And of course she used to come to the parties. And if she was drunk enough, she'd perform. Always the same song. Always performed wonderfully. Always drew an audience. So I still think of it as her song.

I tried getting in touch with her about a year after I graduated. She still would have been a junior or senior at U of M. Sent her an email to one address with no response. then to another. Called her cell phone. Decided to give up and not call her phone line at her parents house. But I do know that one of my other friends tried to get in touch with her a few months after I tried, and actually talked to her and stayed in touch for a time. But she wouldn't talk to me, I guess. I always did kinda like her, but I figure this was just one of those friendships that my pheromones capably severed. Possibly for the best, I guess.

There's more to the story, of course; the part I don't feel like writing about because I still feel guilty about it, the part I know is really the reason she doesn't want to talk to me. But I'll leave it there.

Well, I finally installed TurboTax. Not that I really needed it, so I thought. I already had a pretty good Excel spreadsheet that could crunch all the numbers. And I knew the numbers weren't pretty. Taxes this year would be taking a massive gouge out of my home savings. But there is good news. My calculator was wrong, about $4000 off, near as I can tell, and wrong in my favor (thank god). So instead of shelling out $3k, I'll be getting a $1.3k refund. Phew...

My dream last night that I was in upstate New York, on vacation, visiting a friend of mine. Someone in his family died while we were there, so we were staying for the wake and funeral. And sometime during the weekend, I was sitting in my car, slathering Horsey and Arby sauces on a couple of jumbo roast beef sandwiches. I was telling myself that I shouldn't be eating the bun (my diet), but I did anyway, because I really wanted to have the bun along with it. I stuffed them down my throat as I did a U-turn in a car wash lot.

Somehow, when I woke up, I really wasn't hungry; I felt like I had just eaten.

Sure enough, self-deprecation kicked in. I'm still surprised it took 4 days to start. At least it was relatively mild and dismissable. Well, so far, at least. But I have been dealing myself some low blows with affairs I thought were long forgotten. In other words, high school. I guess it was inevitable my mind would kick itself back there for a while.

In other news, I got a strange phone call from a co-op at my old work. Seems he has some questions as to whether or not he wants my old job. Heh heh heh... I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow. Hmm. I wonder what I'll end up telling him.

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
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This is absolutely no surprise to me.

Today at work was busy. But not so busy that I didn't have plenty of opportunity to stand around and think idly. My idle thoughts are continuing the same direction as they had last week. Only, I never noticed it last week. Actually, I didn't notice it until I was sprawled out in the corner of the retreat house, trying to perform minor alchemy by making styrofoam lighter than air. Yeah, I knew it then, as I stared at all the material I bought and how little of it was worthwhile.

And there was more. My brother noted that I was hyper. A couple of people told me I was funny all weekend. I'm not really a funny guy; not normally so, at least. And I changed all CDs I'm listening to, back to John Meyer (Inside Wants Out) and Dashboard Confessional (So Impossible). Can't get enough of it. And I've got a powerful urge again to learn to play the guitar. And I starved myself through the retreat because all of the food was high carb.

And then someone says I need to go to Fastathon again. Specifically, because she would be there. Like I said, I don't know what to think about that, though my mind still flies through a dozen different scenarios a minute.

But somehow it feels like my mania is on an edge. Like it could fall down around me at any moment. My typical mental self bad-mouthing hasn't started, either. And I'm sure that forgetting my morning Lithium two days in a row doesn't help.

And I'm afraid what the fall will be like. I always am. The past few falls haven't been bad; hopefully this one is no worse. But also, I'm afraid of what might happen if I stay up; the upward spirals get can be as terrifying as the downward ones. I guess I'm screwed by default.

Sure, I still sometimes catch myself thinking in retreat-speak. I've talked about the planning, but what about the retreat itself?

For the most part, I'll say it was fun. Dragged on a little here and there, got a little too preachy here and there, but what can you expect, it's church stuff? But the good part was the teen facilitators. I was quite happy to see a lot of the juniors from last year came again. Like all the fun ones that were on the retreats I was on last year. I kinda wished it was colder out so we could have had a serious snowball fight (which we had actually put on the schedule, last year), but alas, there was no time for shoeless snowball fights anyway.

The most interesting thing, I found, was that the teens recognized that the retreat was only a prototype, and accordingly started throwing out suggestions on how to change it. The old retreat was old (14 years, I think) and everyone thought that it would always stay the same. But this time, it was almost as if they wanted to take ownership of the retreats. I thought that was cool.

But the really most memorable thing: Miss Fuzzy Bunnies told me I had to go to Fastathon again, because "we need to have another random 3 hour session of You Lose, You Suck". Gotta remember to ask if I can go again! I wouldn't miss it for the world. But I'm still wondering what I think about it, though.

Uh oh... Before I left, I realized my computer has picked up a nasty habit of bluescreening for no obvious reason. It happens worse when I try to play Knights of the Old Republic, which is a real pisser because I'm almost done with the game! sigh...

I decided last Friday that tonight, since I wouldn't be working, that I'd go see Mel's The Passion. But of course I really didn't have anyone to see it with since my sister was too squeemish, my brother's fiancee didn't feel up for it this weekend, I forgot to ask my brother (he was probably taking care of his fiancee anyway), and it didn't even occur to me to ask my other brother or his wife. So I went alone. Big crowds... the show I intended to see was sold out by the time I got there, so I had to wait around in a big line for 40 mintues.... Anyway, all I have to say is "powerful" and "difficult to watch". I'll leave it at that, because otherwise I'd go about analyzing whether or not I thought there were anti-semitic overtones, and I'm not up for that kind of debate.