The Bipolar Otaku

Today ranks among the wierdest moods ever. I walked
around cheerily joking with people while feeling a
moral obligation to cause harm to inanimate objects
and not acting upon it. Today teased the emotional
senses of being both a wet rag, tossed carelessly to
do peonic duties,and a wise knight, called upon to
defeat ignorances only I know how to fight. It
reminded me that even annoying people can grow on you,
that I can be funny if I try, that I can shoot people
when I get home. On the ps2 only, so relax...

Ok, so Im feeling kind of rough after last nights all
nighter, but Im wide awake, even if Im mumbling to
myself right now. I never was a morning person. I know
that, but I actually do like my struggle to wake up in
the morning. However, I just got a voicemail, and Im
ready to pick up the computer in front of me and throw
it across the room. I flick it off and yell curses out
of my silent lips. Why me? Its not fair, pick someone
else! Take the new guy for fuck sake! I go back on 3rd
shift on Monday.

So the second phase of light installation is complete. I got my sister to come help me do the shrubs and I finished off the rest of the 1st floor icicles. However, the 2nd floor looks ever more bare now that the rest is done. I guess I'll have to not work Saturday so that I can finish up, up there. The cost of her help: a sushi dinner, a bottle of borddeaux, some help with her brand new laptop (fresh out of the box today), some help with her digital camera, and a spare bedroom... for a couple of hours, at least. She didn't realize that it was already 4am, and that she was actually watching me pull yet another all nighter. I told myself I'd stop doing them... I have no willpower. But, at least some of my tools are finally being put away, and at least I have one wall's worth of wall frames done, which will probably be all I get to before the party, especially since my brother wants his miter saw back. And meanwhile, I wathced a couple more eps of Dead Like Me. Love that show. Have I mentioned that? Anyway, my sister probably trying to sleep, so maybe I'll go organize my bookshelves or something.

800 lights worth of icicles, and the main garage and patio are done, but another 200 are going to be necessary to finish the 1st floor front. Then the first of the triplet shrubs is mostly complete with 200 lights, but I'm going to need completely redo it tomorrow. I was going to at least finish the triplets, but it's going to take about 1200 lights in full and it's 3 hours past dark, and I'm going to need to setup my stepladder at full height and fully around it. The shrubs would be so much easier if I had someone to help me. Maybe I can beg one of the sibs help tomorrow...

I'm starting to put up my Christmas lights outside my house. Although I've seriously cut back my first set of plas, which involved nearly 6000 lights, to something much smaller (maybe 2000), I'm still debating whether or not it will be worth getting lights up on the second floor eaves. My ladder is too short to reach up there, so the only way to make it is to crawl my way up the 40 degree slopes of my roof. The funny thing is, if I were either really manic or really depressed, the answer would be simple: do it. If I were manic, my reasoning would be that it's something I must must do, and I'll be able to do it easily. If I were depressed, my reasoning would be that there's a good chance I'd fall and maybe (just maybe) I'd end up cracking my skull. But instead I find myself in a middle ground where I know I have limitations and I know that I'd rather live. So maybe I won't do the roof...

I hope my boss doesnt decide to make a random check of
our badge swipes. He doesnt check them on a regular
basis, but supposedly, he does check from time to
time. If he did check, hed probably find that someone
is incapable of getting less than 10 hours of sleep
these days. Time keeps on slipping...

I got drug along to the wedding of my mom's friend's daughter. We missed the ceremony, but arrived early for the reception. The interesting thing about the reception was the speeches. Two best man speeches (one in spanish), maid of honor, matron of honor, father of the bride, mother of the bride, the groom, the bride... and a special song sung by the emcee and his wife and another special song sung by the bride's 10- and 8- year old cousins. We left early, so I'm sure I missed another 4 speeches...

Turkey Day was yesterday. The annual Filipino Thanksgiving mass at St. Hugo was as uninteresting as ever. Lunch and dinner at my aunt's house was... well, let's just say I took 3 naps while I was there. We played mahjongg too, and I won 4 out of 6 games. I got volunteered to make green curry chicken and cheesecake for the Christmas party (thanks, Em).

I had to work today too... Got there a little bit late (I won't say how late) and walked around catatonically until about an hour after lunch. What a waste of a day...

One of my friends threw a dinner party last night, since one of my other friend's (and his wife, of course) were in town. And of course, the party included her parents. Although I've only met them 4 times, they seem to have already adopted me as their third son-in-law. Incidently, they only have two daughters, and only one of them is married. The guy throwing the party, naturally, is the second son-in-law.

Anyway, the younger daughter was there too. 19 years old, going to Cleveland State on a full-ride golf scholarship, planning on a career in business law, and living a rather financially sheltered life thanks to her parents. Likes good wine, expensive dinners, and is looking for an apartment the size of my friend's 1300 sq ft apartment and a way for her scholarship to pay for it... And while we were talking about taxes and how little she knows about the reality of money, all she could say is "What's a W-2?"

The thing that caught me off guard was as we were playing Silent Scope on his XboX, she made the comment to me "I always have fun when you're around." Huh? I was actually stunned enought to say "Well, considering this is only the second time I've met you..." Last time we met, she was still a senior in high school, but she liked it when I told her that she had a good taste in wine. Anyway, I guess she'll still be down in Cleveland during my party, and she'll be back up here at home when I'm down in Cleveland just before Christmas. Oh well, the New Year's Party is at her parent's place anyway. Not that I think anything serious would happen there... but it might be nice to have a nice dinner with someone once in a while, especially if I'm out of town. But without wine... that'd be a bummer.

Anyway, the parent's are moving to South Carolina sometime this winter, and I'm trying to buy their snowblower... my priorities are clear.

I was at my brothers birthday party last night, and
his neighbor brought their kids. This one 7 year old
started talking to me, telling me that one day he will
play football at Michigan State and showing his moves
how he will avoid being tackled. As he was leaving, he
invited me to his birthday party on August 15 (next
year, I assume). I dont know why he decided to tell me
all this, but I thought it was cute.

Two showers and a long bath later, I still smell like
smoke. I sat downwind of the camp fire Saturday night,
which did wonders for my asthma. However, I got to
inspire 2 future pyros and that made it all
worthwhile. Am I a great role model or what?

Like all the retreats I've been on with the church, this one was a blast. Although I probably did take too many naps (some of Saturday morning and all of Sunday afternoon), I also stayed up all night with a few of the teens (who were whipped even though I was still energetic; I've got a lot more experience than they with all-nighters).

I brought my guitar and for the first time ever for me, I played a song for an audience. The song I chose is called "The Man" and was written by a girl I knew back in my high school/CYO days. Seeing as I was the only old-school youth group member there, the song was brand new to everyone else. I think I did it pretty well, though I occasionally got lost in the chord progressions and I had to sing the chorus a capella since I didn't think the chords in the song book were right.

I also brought my camera and tried to tackle some of my photography homework (6 pictures of letters found in nature and 6 pics of bright bold colored objects). I also used my camera to take group shots, but I made the stupid mistake of leaving my camera in manual focus, so I'm sure they won't come out... The disposable cameras will end up saving the day, there.

But overall, I got to know a lot of the teens and they got to know me. Some of them kept saying that I cracked them up. Some would walk up to me and just start up random new conversations. I guess that I always find it easier to open up to people when we are experiencing long retreats together, as opposed to when we just have a few minutes to talk during a normal youth group session. So, I'm glad I went.

But boy, do I need a nice, long, hot bath...

I woke up at 10 this morning and decided to call in sick. Then I spent the next 3 hours falling in and out of sleep. Then I cooked lunch, stewed about my mismatched trim pieces (don't ask), stopped off by the post office, and went off to the robotics meeting. The meeting went pretty well, I guess. I got to refresh my skills using Autodesk Inventor. Then I drove to my photography class. It was a 30 minute drive, but it felt... well, it felt like I was going through a minor anxiety attack. I'm not really sure why, either. I know I was slightly disappointed by my homework pictures and half expected them to be failed, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't it. And the fact that I took a day off wasn't it either. Or that I had so much to do before this weekend's retreat. It wore off by the time I got there, but still, I wonder why it happened at all.

I've gotten hooked to this show, Dead Like Me, on Showtime. One of the most morose but insanely funny and oddly touching TV series I've ever seen. Young woman with no particular love of life gets smashed by the falling toilet of the downed Mir spacestation and gets picked to become grim reaper in the accidental death, murder, and suicide division. So she becomes an undead forced to "live" among the living, reaping the souls of the freakiest possible accidents you can imagine. For her assignments, all that she and her coworkers get from their boss is a little yellow post-it note with a first initial, last name, time, and place. Meanwhile, she has to earn a living working at the Happy Time temp company, with all of the "excitement" you would expect out of such a job.

I'm a season behind, but starting to get caught up... Sure, I'm just borrowing it from NetFlix for now, but it's on my must-buy list.

Speaking of being a Jack of All Trades, I got a fortune cookie for lunch: "You will win success in whatever calling you adopt." Thank God I'm not manic enough to really believe that.

New series on Fox. Last night was the premier. Kind of like ER meets CSI, but without the soap opera dramatics. So, instead of studying crimes, they study obscure minutae of medicine. In other words, I like it.

The story is basically about a Dr. House, who is the head of a deptartment of diagnostic medicine at some big hospital. Of course, he hates treating patients and has the worst possible bedside manner, complete and brutal honesty. He put together a team of younger doctors for various reasons, not all of them related to their capacity as doctors. For example, he picked one doctor because he had breaking-and-entering on his court-sealed record. He picked one young woman doctor because she was beautiful, under the premise that if there was a beautiful woman working so hard to become a doctor, there must be something "broke" about her (which she hasn't denied). Definitely not the most P.C. of people, but I guess that's what makes him interesing.

Although I do have to say that it seemed like Robin Tunney was supposed to be cast as the woman doctor, not as the first patient. Why she ends up as a guest role, not as a star? Maybe Jennifer Morrison (who does play the doctor) will prove to be a better fit later, but for what they showed of her part so far...

Since I was up all night, I decided to use some of that time to sort through and shelve my books. Not including the built-in shelving, my den now has more than twice as much shelving as I had in my old room. However, I'm still finding it difficult to put the books in organized sections without piling up some books on top of the shelves like I used to do. How did I manage to organize it before? I'm not really sure, but I think the secret was piles of books strategically scattered throughout my bedroom, but that's what I'm trying to avoid this time around...

Going through all those books also reminded me of two possible side affects of manic depressives: being a jack-of-all-trades and having outrageous spending habits during manic periods. Typically, whenever I was into reading, I was reading heavily, and I always bought 4 books for ever 1 book that I finished reading. Thus, it is no surprise that I've read less than 1/4 of all the books I own. Also, the books that I do have show how diverse my jack-ness is. 8 books on sketching, 2 books on photography, 5 books on anime, 40+ books of manga, 20+ books on computer programming, 15+ books on computer architectures, 3 books on Buddhism, 3 books on Islam, 7 books on Freemasonry and fraternal organizations, 2 books and 2 decks of tarot cards, 2 books on asthma, 1 book on yoga, 1 book on tae chi, 1 book on building robots, 1 book on wiring, 1 book on woodworking, 14 books on science, 8 books on philosophy, 10 books on the bible, 100+ books of fiction, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot... Pretty scary, when I think about it.

I'm sifting through NetFlix's anime section, and I'm simply amazed about some of the ratings they have...

Najica Blitz Tactics got 3 1/2 stars???? Sorry, but it deserves a -1... The first episode was one of the most ridiculously worthless 23 minutes of animation that I've ever seen, and it didn't get any better in later episodes. But I guess there must be enough watchers that would be interested in the 80 some panty shots per episode which forced the complete lack of plot to give it decent ratings... Pathetic.

Dragon Ball Z? Well, okay, I'll let it pass. Some people can stand it, let them rate it accordingly.

Gravion got 3 1/2 stars too! Wow. Any video that shows "Situation Clitical" on a screen... Well, it's a poorly planned anime that thinks that combining fighting robots, scantilily clad women, and a completely lost goofball into some kind of romantic action comedy farce would make good series, but unfortunately it lacked the ability to define what it was trying to be and therefore pissed off anyone who might actually be interested in it by the end of the first episode. Bad, bad, bad...

Well, I guess that, overall, I'm disappointed by the rating system... Pages and pages of 3 1/2's, and much of it for anime that I know to be worth 1-2 stars, but still several that should be pure 5-stars. I guess that's the consequence of mass democratic voting with limited exposure.

I had been thinking about getting a GameCube for a
while now, especially since they gave away those Zelda
Collectors Edition discs a couple of years ago. Of
course, since they stopped giving them away, I would
have had to have bought the disc off eBay. However,
knowing that I wanted it, my new coworker gave it to
me! He somehow got an extra one when he bought his
system. He may be talkative, but hes not a bad guy...
Now I just need to go buy a GameCube.

Tonight's youth group session was called "Turbulence Ahead", talking about the turmoil we encounter in life. I was in a skit, playing a guy who's trying to get his girlfriend (who's holding out) into sleeping with him by taking her on a trip without adult supervision (evidently, we must have been underage too). Some of the other adults agreed that I was perfect for the role since it was completely opposite of me. Am I that transparently "goody"?

Anyway. I sat out on small group discussions. I couldn't figure it out at first, actually. I just assumed I must be too tired from a long day at work. But it hit me later, that I was afraid of today's discussion. Often time, if the discussion isn't starting out well, I'll talk about myself to get other people to start talking. What would I say? I think I'd end up talking about my own pesronal experiences with turbulence, but would I be able to stop something that I start? Have I started something by avoiding thinking about it?

So, the conclusion of this that I'm even more afraid to admit is that I'm depressed. Not very depressed, but at least slightly depressed. Worse yet, I'm trying to pretend that I'm not depressed by pretending that I'm manic. I think over and over how busy I am, and how busy I will be in January, and use that to convince myself that it proves that I'm manic, but really, I'm certain that it just drives the depression deeper. However, I really do like everything that I've got going on, so I don't want to stop anything.

Sigh...

Once in a while, I come up with a thought for a post. Often times it's this one particular post, and I center it around one particular quote from a movie. I think of how to write that post, and how to use the subtly of the writing to mourn a friendship that could probably be considered safely dead.

Then I realize I already wrote that post. And I sit in awe and amazement that I could have written back then exactly what I feel right now, about the people I am thinking about right now. It's over a year old and perfectly current. I could have written it 20 years ago, and it would still hold true.

Considering how tired I was when I left work, I figured I'd be asleep by now. But Chicago came on. Pretty entertaining... Amazingly shallow, but entertaining.

I have to admit that doing all-nighters has a serious
downside... especially on days like today, where I
have to focus on tedious tasks like making screens...
Must nap... Want zs...

This is the second all-nighter I've done this week. This can't be a good habit, can it? It opens up an unbelievable amount of time not only to get work done around the house, but also to take some down time (watching TV and movies) and clean out my fridge (home cooked meal by meal, of course)... I'm sure my doctor would not approve, but it really seems like a good idea... I mean, most people get 4-6 hours of sleep per night. This way, I can average 4-6 hours of sleep per night, but really still get my full 8 hour sleep periods, and not be so stressed out about all the stuff that needs to be done. I kind of like the idea, but that might just be a manic mood taking over. After all, in order to handle staying up all night, I've been skipping doses of Seroquel. At least I've tried to keep up with the lithium, for what that's worth. It's probably manic driven, but still seems like a good idea nonetheless. I'll have to see how well I can sustain it after a little while.

It's like watching it again for the first time, well, except for the fact that I still remember some of the lines of dialog and most the songs. I guess this was the first movie that I ever watched over and over in the theaters (4 times, I think). Plus Tim and I listened the CD over and over during band practices also.

And I once met a girl because of one of the songs. Wierdest thing... We were at Rainbow X, the big conference downtown at the Ren Cen. Pack 2500 Catholic teens in a hotel, and sure enough they will find the phones are quite capable of making prank calls. Tim's and mine strategy was to counter-prank them. "Walter's ball factory, we pluck 'em, you suck 'em!" Or, when I ran out of things to answer the phone with, I'd just sing a song. Well, there was a dance, and I left early, leaving me in my room, dealing with prank calls. Once, I answered with "A Whole New World". And what would have been a prank call got abandoned, with a word: "Freaky..." followed by "I was just singing that!" The conversation actually went on for about 30 minutes or maybe longer. Jenny and a couple of her friends also left the dance early. I was going to go up to their room and meet them, but sadly one of the adults from my church was came out of the elevator that I was going to ride up... so alas, I called them back and we talked more.

We (me, Tim, Jenny, and 3 of her friends) met the next day for lunch, though. We hung out, but really it was just us walking around avoid people they wanted to avoid. We exchanged addresses, promising to write each other, but in reality, we never actually exchanged a single letter. She showed up at one of my church dances (we danced once, that's it). I joined CYO next year, and one of her friends joined the year after, but she was difficult to talk to. And her ex-boyfriend was in council too...

Kind of a lame story. Anyway, that's still my favorite Disney movie...

I was planning on going to the Jesse Manabusin (sp) concert at my church tonight, but I entirely forgot about it until after it started... oh well, I'm sure everyone will be telling me how great it was... so instead, I'm working on my kitchen (eek! I finally realized that I have to paint it too!) and watching some TV shows and movies, and I cooked up a pot of chicken asparagus hot pepper soup (picking the last remains of my dead pepper plant, alas). Mostly movies I've seen before (Aladdin, Basic Instinct) and some shows that I'm starting too really like (Huff, Dead Like Me). And I decided to sign up with NetFlix so that I can get caught up with Dead Like Me. So, before even getting my first disc, I've already got 34 in my queue, some movies, some anime. And most of the anime are things that I already have on CD somewhere, but maybe this way I'll actually force myself to watch them.

But meanwhile I'm getting pretty good with a miter saw and a nail gun. All I can say is that I am soooo glad that I bought the air compressor and nail gun... sooo much easier than having to hammer in all the tiny little trim nails, especially on some of the horribly warped lengths of trim that the lumber store stuck me with. I'm finally at the point where I need to plan out the wall frames... how big should they be? hmm...

At my company, today is a holiday. Why? Officially,
its in observation of Veterans Day, which was
yesterday, but everyone knows its because today is the
official start of deer hunting season for rifle
shooters. Tonight is also called the best day to go to
the bar and pick up weekend widows. Instead, Im
working on this long and extremely boring day. Well,
its more like taking nap after nap while sitting at an
uncomfortable workstation. At least the overtime pays triple...

As unbelievable as it may seem, I now find myself up past midnight working on a homework assignment that I should have had plenty of time during the week to finish but didn't. This time, the last minute homework is printing my pictures for photography class, and the major delay, which is getting my printer to print a decent photo, is a hurdle that I've just past, but that's not my point. Oh well, I'll be done in about 20 minutes, but I have to work tomorrow... and beside that, I've got to go to robotics tomorrow after work, followed by photographhy class, so I won't be home until around 11 at night, and, in case you don't know my warped sense of thought by now, I'm going to end up staying up all night tonight because I won't get enough sleep if I did go to sleep. Yay... another 48 hour day... Saturday/Sunday will be another one too, unless I manage to get home and asleep by 5pm so that I can wake up Sunday super-early to still work a 10 hour day before church... Somehow this all seems like perfectly acceptable sleep patterns. Too bad I can't just sleep for 4 hour naps anymore.

Ah, so I accidently sent out an email invitation to my friends this morning. For some strange reason, Yahoo sent out a draft that I was writing right when I pasted some email addresses into the To: area... So the invite went out without a posted time or date or anything... Oops. Now I need to figure out who didn't get the message...

Anyway, if anyone expects to be in the Detroit area on the Dec. 11, come on by the new pad... Of course, alcohol will be provided.

The youth group topic for today was making moral choices, and to demonstrate this we made everyone make amoral choices, specifically "What do you want on your ice cream sundae?"

Anyway, I did most of the buying for the entire thing, since I have a Sam's Club membership, plus I knew where to buy chopsticks. For whatever reason, the last choice for the sundaes was what kind of utensil you wanted ot eat it with - a spoon or chopsticks. The people who chose chopsticks (and there was a surprising number of them) were all invariably good with chopsticks and found that eating ice cream with them was quite a bit easier than expected. That group included myself, of course.

I led my first small group also... we ran out of things to talk about pretty quickly, and I'll blame that on the lack of females in my group. Oh well, at least the ice cream was good.

The other good thing is that I get to go to Rainbow! Rainbow is a Catholic youth conference held in the Renaissance Center in downtown Detroit, put together by CYO Youth Council. This year is Rainbow XXIII. The last time I went, it was Rainbow XIII, and I (as a member of the Youth Council) was in charge of General Session 2. Good times... though it's too bad I've been out of touch with it for 10 years. I wonder if the still make rain at the end of the conference... that was cool.

And next week I'm in a skit. I get to play an asshole and try to hook up with a girl... fun for the whole family...

This might just be one of the most underrated anime series ever. After all, when they make a comedy based primarily on intentionally lame jokes and puns, I guess you really wouldn't expect much. I've owned it on DVD for a while (primarily because it was created by Yoshitoshi ABe, the man behind Serial Experiments Lain and Haibane Renmei), but finally got around to watching it today.

The series is basically about Mayuko, a poor cram school student, living in a bath house, working two jobs, and suffering with an alien roommate, Niea. Niea is an antenna-less Under 7 (aliens normally having an antenna and being rated from Plus 5 to Under 5), who collects junk, builds junk UFOs, complains about not having enough food, and gives Mayuko a hard time.

The series starts off a bit slow, but gets interesting once Niea starts hearing transmissions from the mothership (which hasn't worked in decades). I was expecting a bit more from the ending, however. Although the series seems like little more than a bunch of stereotypical characters clumped together, each character seems to be more interesting (more mutli-dimensional) than your typical characters in an anime series. Overall, I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that I really liked about the series, but I did really like the series.

She finally called back. She said she was flattered, but it's not a good time right now. Something about a sick father, two part time jobs, and whatever else. It figures. I did invite her to my housewarming party in December, the one that I haven't really told anyone about yet. Maybe she'll come, if she's not working. Well, I guess everything came out about where I expected. Oh well, back to reality.

Why is it that the only way I ever get to work on time
is by simply not sleeping? Why is it that I felt the
need to stay up at all? Why do I already feel like I
majorly screwed something up? Why cant I just be
patient and hope? Why do I always assume the worst?
Why wont my new coworker stop talking? Why am I asking
my blog questions?

Driving around to do a few errands I had today, the
thoughts just rolled. It's amazing how in just a day,
the thoughts have gone from excitement to nervousness
to borderline depression. The scariest sign of this
depression: the silence from my car speakers.
Normally, they blair some sort of music that I'll
either interpret as hopeful or cheerful or bitter or
cruel, but without the music, only my thought fill the
car. And what, pray tell, do the thought have to say?
Just more questions, like what do I have to offer?
And I don't know how to answer either.

I just left her a voicemail. Dont know what to expect,
but Im still shaking... Cant believe I could be this
nervous... Breathe. No matter what happens, everything
will be okay. Breathe...

Okay, now it's about time I slept. I've been trying to finish an anime tonight, but it's not happening...

Okay, now it's about time I slept. I've been trying to finish an anime tonight, but it's not happening...

So, I think I've mentioned the new guy a couple of times so far. "What's the deal with him?" you're thinking. Well, I'm not exactly sure if he's in love with his own voice, or if he can only survive if he hears some human voice (his own in most cases), or if he's simply afraid that his mind will start to work if his mouth stops moving, but he just does NOT shut up. He talks about this thing and that thing (after all, he did EVERYTHING in his old job). I've tried to teach him things, but after 5 minutes he's going off on some tirade about how some other process works and completely ignores what I'm trying to show him. He doesn't shut up!

And sadly, my boss put him in the same plant as me, since I was the only one assigned there for these two weeks, while another guy is on vacation. That means his non-stop babble gets directed to only one person: me. One of my taunting co-workers called me from another plant, just to ask "So, is he over there? How do your ear plugs work?" and just laughed at me.

All I can say is that he wasn't my recommendation for the job. And that I wish that I had better earplugs.

I guess it can't be that bad... A finally successful attempt at making plinth blocks for the basemolding seems to be helpful. Too bad I'm still going through an eternity of staining and polyurethaning my entertainment center... Next comes adding steel reinforcements to one of the shelves to make sure it will support my TV. And then I have to mount the shelf lighting onto my bookshelves, and figure out how to make the touch dimmers work. And then I have to figure out a plan on what to do with the 7400 Christmas lights I've bought so far. Then I have to start cleaning (ugh!).

Driving around to do a few errands I had today, the
thoughts just rolled. It's amazing how in just a day,
the thoughts have gone from excitement to nervousness
to borderline depression. The scariest sign of this
depression: the silence from my car speakers.
Normally, they blair some sort of music that I'll
either interpret as hopeful or cheerful or bitter or
cruel, but without the music, only my thought fill the
car. And what, pray tell, do the thought have to say?
Just more questions, like what do I have to offer?
And I don't know how to answer either.

Why is it that the only way I ever get to work on time
is by simply not sleeping? Why is it that I felt the
need to stay up at all? Why do I already feel like I
majorly screwed something up? Why cant I just be
patient and hope? Why do I always assume the worst?
Why wont my new coworker stop talking? Why am I asking
my blog questions?

The first photography class was tonight, and I spent the entire time staring at my cell phone, clipped conveniently on my notepad, thinking continuously that maybe I should have not said things quite the way that I did, or that maybe I should have done that one detail thing different... And eventually I realized that I'm probably still thinking about this too much. I figure that I'm just setting myself up for a monumental disaster, if she says no, or if we go out and it sucks, or we got out for a while and she dumps me later, whatever the situation, I feel like I'm setting myself up for a monumental disaster if this bubble on which I float ever bursts.

Gotta remember, gotta shoot for one thing at a time... Dinner or something would be a good start, and it's gotta be fun.

I just left her a voicemail. Dont know what to expect,
but Im still shaking... Cant believe I could be this
nervous... Breathe. No matter what happens, everything
will be okay. Breathe...

Okay, so I learned two important things today:
- "Yes, she is single."
- "Her phone number is..."

Yep, my friend's wife called me back and I asked her those to little bits. I haven't had time to call her though, because I was in a planning meeting for a church retreat that I may or may not go to... I must learn some priorities.

But I must have had quite a smile on my face when I got back in the room... The girls in the Core group wouldn't let it slide, so of course I told them what I could.

So I'll have to call her sometime tomorrow... Busy day tomorrow. November seems to be the day that all of my activities will come to full bear: church is in full swing, robotics will be ramping up, the photography class starts tomorrow, I've got 3 family birthdays to attend and to buy presents for, work plods on as steadly as ever, and now I'm trying to try to start a relationship with a girl who lives 1 1/2 hours north of here...

Well, I'll leave work early tomorrow, get some birthday shopping done, give her a call in the afternoon, then go to my class which will go on until 10:30. I just found out the class is on the other side of town, about 45 minutes or so west of home...

What will I say? Oh man, I guess I never think about just how out-of-practice I am... I'll come up with something... hmm... if I said my name is JT, will she even know who I am? She still calls me Tiger all the time, but introducing myself as Tiger sounds so lame...

I left a message with my friend's wife yesterday. It seems like it has been eons since that night... it probably has been, inside my mind at least. Playing over scenario after scenario in my head. What could I have done different? Yeah, I know now, like I knew then, I should have gone to breakfast. It wouldn't have upset my schedule at all, but it might have become the most important breakfast I'd ever had. At least it would have cut down the longer term possibilities, and I might not have be beating myself up like I am now. I'm an idiot, a moron, and all because I couldn't take the risk of a face to face turn-down.

So, instead, I wait for a phone call, one that might give me a phone number, one that might give me a "give it up" chat, one that might never be made for all I know. But for a few days, I'll wait... then after that, maybe I'll make some more calls.

You know, I think too much, and it's really killing me...

I voted. Did you?

I have plenty of reasons why I voted for who I did, but I don't like discussing politics, so I won't get into it.