The Bipolar Otaku

I've enjoyed the ride up. Everything in the past few weeks, especially Rainbow, has helped me to remember what my faith was like back in high school, which is a really good thing. Ans so I find myself wanting to do more. It's not enough that I'm and adult on the youth group. I want to get involved in Council again, not just as an Adult Committee member, but as a actual Council member. I was the sound guy for the church's murder mystery tonight, but I wanted to be on stage. I'm ready and anxious to go to the confirmation retreats. I feel like I should be doing service projects to food shelters. If I only had the time... One of the other adults actually took a moment, the other day, to express how amazed she was with the progress of my faith since the beginning of the school year... if she only understood why.


Meanwhile, I've been neglecting my other responsibilities. A teacher on my robotics team called me the other day asking why I stopped coming. I usually get to work 2 hours late. I haven't openned any of my mail for a week. I haven't done dishes in 2 weeks. I haven't cooked my own meals (except microwave) in 3 weeks. It has been 10 days since the last time I took a full dose of Seroquel. I sleep 2-3 hours a day.

Shall I go through the full list?
- Increased energy, activity, and restlessness - Yes
- Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood - Yes
- Extreme irritability - No
- Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another - Yes
- Distractibility, can't concentrate well - Yes
- Little sleep needed - Yes
- Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers - Yes
- Poor judgment - Yes
- Spending sprees - No
- A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual - No
- Increased sexual drive - No
- Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications - No
- Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior - No
- Denial that anything is wrong - No

So maybe I've been worse. But this one feels familiar, like I've been here before. As a matter of fact, I have been. I'm up on a cliff, and I see the drop. The jump ahead is the same one I took when I was a senior in high school. That jump later entailed me completely dropping my religous faith (ironic, considering the source of the mania). But whether I want to jump or not, the world around me is moving, and the net result is I feel like I'm falling, and there are no parachutes.

Maybe it won't be that bad. Lately, none of my mania-to-depression crises has been as bad as I have been expecting. The big difference this time is that I know why the things that go on in my head happen, how they usually happen, what is happening. The difference is that I know why I've arrived to the point where I am. Most people probably don't understand that much about themselves.