The Bipolar Otaku

I often tell people that my everyday allergies are about as bad as the colds that people call in sick for. But what happens when I get one of those colds? Why, I just drink a lot of cough syrup and still go to work, of course. Thank goodness for DayQuil... too bad it's acetaminophen based, so I'm probably tearing up my liver as we speak. Perhaps it's time I found a different cough syrup.

Finally went to see a movie with some of the other adults at church. This week's pick was Alone in the Dark.

Holy crap... bad bad bad bad bad bad bad movie. Not nearly as scary as I would have expected. It ended up being a big gunfight, while I distinctly remember the games being a lot of puzzle solving. Anyway, it didn't help that Tara Reid proved herself to be a remarkably bad actress, and the lines she was given suited that poor portrayal. We also thought it was funny how, halfway through the movie, she was suddenly able to read the Arkani language. Also, the randomly inserted gratuitous sex scene (which shows nothing) was fantastic (chuckle). My friends thought that a lot of things went unexplained, but I thought that what they said made sense, but was just not really compelling. Well I guess that in the end *spoilers* (well, I guess I'm not really spoiling anything that isn't already rotten) they didn't really explain why Sister Clara died, exactly how they managed to evacuate a huge city in a matter of a few hours, if everyone was really dead like Christian Slater's voice-over implied, and why the monsters they said would die in sunlight were implied to be attacking them in the late morning in open daylight. *end "spoilers"* Overall, I would have to say it started bad, and just kept getting worse.

Anyway, don't waste your money on seeing it in the theatre. Don't even waste the time to rent it. The guy in our group who picked the movie, as a penalty, has been banned from picking movies for a while.

I've enjoyed the ride up. Everything in the past few weeks, especially Rainbow, has helped me to remember what my faith was like back in high school, which is a really good thing. Ans so I find myself wanting to do more. It's not enough that I'm and adult on the youth group. I want to get involved in Council again, not just as an Adult Committee member, but as a actual Council member. I was the sound guy for the church's murder mystery tonight, but I wanted to be on stage. I'm ready and anxious to go to the confirmation retreats. I feel like I should be doing service projects to food shelters. If I only had the time... One of the other adults actually took a moment, the other day, to express how amazed she was with the progress of my faith since the beginning of the school year... if she only understood why.


Meanwhile, I've been neglecting my other responsibilities. A teacher on my robotics team called me the other day asking why I stopped coming. I usually get to work 2 hours late. I haven't openned any of my mail for a week. I haven't done dishes in 2 weeks. I haven't cooked my own meals (except microwave) in 3 weeks. It has been 10 days since the last time I took a full dose of Seroquel. I sleep 2-3 hours a day.

Shall I go through the full list?
- Increased energy, activity, and restlessness - Yes
- Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood - Yes
- Extreme irritability - No
- Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another - Yes
- Distractibility, can't concentrate well - Yes
- Little sleep needed - Yes
- Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers - Yes
- Poor judgment - Yes
- Spending sprees - No
- A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual - No
- Increased sexual drive - No
- Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications - No
- Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior - No
- Denial that anything is wrong - No

So maybe I've been worse. But this one feels familiar, like I've been here before. As a matter of fact, I have been. I'm up on a cliff, and I see the drop. The jump ahead is the same one I took when I was a senior in high school. That jump later entailed me completely dropping my religous faith (ironic, considering the source of the mania). But whether I want to jump or not, the world around me is moving, and the net result is I feel like I'm falling, and there are no parachutes.

Maybe it won't be that bad. Lately, none of my mania-to-depression crises has been as bad as I have been expecting. The big difference this time is that I know why the things that go on in my head happen, how they usually happen, what is happening. The difference is that I know why I've arrived to the point where I am. Most people probably don't understand that much about themselves.

In case you've never heard about Rainbow, let me explain. Rainbow is a conference rund and hosted by the Catholic Youth Organization Youth Council (usually just called Council, by those in the know) to minister to the teens of the Archdiocese of Detroit. Though most attendees don't know it, it was named Rainbow in honor of the rainbow given to Noah by God, a promise to his faithful followers. About 2500 people attend Rainbow each year, and it is usually held in the Renaissance Center in downtown Detroit. The conference consists of 4 general sessions where everyone is gathered together to hear the keynote speakers, 5-6 modules where other presenters meet with smaller groups to discuss specific topics, mass - usually led by a bishop or sometimes the cardinal, and the big dance. While the conference is really meant to enrich the faith of the attendees, it is also a great place to meet people from other parishes. As such, a number of people go there just to "get digits" or exchange screen names or whatever. For others, it's just a chance to get away and party. However, I prefer to believe that most are there to celebrate their faith.

Each year, Council selects a theme by consensus, a unanimous vote. This year's theme was Rock the Boat. The intended interpretation was to ask the attendees to not accept the world that is given to them, but instead to shake the world and pronounce thier faith. I don't think that point got across. I think overall people preferred to think about rocking (as in 'n'rolling) the boat, whatever the boat is supposed to be.

Nevertheless, it was fun. I was the only male chaperone from my church, so I had my own room, but I let everyone use my room as the social room, especially when we had to serve dinner (pizzas from Pizzapopolis). I also had the room closest to the river, so I had the best view. Sadly, it smelled of smoke and, after dinner, it reeked of pizza.

Since my brothers and I were all on Council 10 years ago, there were a number of peopl who recognized me or, at the very least, recognized my brother's last name. After I updated them about my family, they sent congratulations to my brothers for their upcoming wedding and child. I guess I expected to see more people I knew, though.

Anyway, all the girls from my parish thought I should have been able to hook up over the weekend. After all, I have my own room, they said, and as an adult, I had free reign of the hotel. They even had the audacity to, as I was speaking to the mother of someone I went to council with, start hooting and hollering as if I were hitting on her; they were so loud I could hear them screaming my name at the other side of the 4th floor. The honest truth, however, was that she was talking about introducing my to a "very mature" 19 year old from her church. I never met this girl because we never did manage to find each other on Sunday. Anyway, one girl did take the much more tactful approach and just asked me if I had a girlfriend, why not, was I looking for one, why not, and finally trying to reassure me that when the time came, I would find one. She also told me that my being able to cook would be the way to a woman's heart, but the fact that I really need someone to clean up after me probably wouldn't go over well...

The dance. I never even entered the ballroom; I really wasn't interested. Instead I walked around, a bit, talked to anyone I knew, then found myself with a bunch of my kids in the karaoke room. I'm not sure why they subjected themselves to some of the "talent" that got up there and sang, but they (including the other two adults who were there with me) also lacked the courage to go up there. So if they weren't going up there, I decided that I would. I was the second to last song for the night and I did "My Way". I've sung it many times before, but it seemed to take different meanings this time. I had always taken it as a song exemplifying pride and even arrogance, but it now just sounded like simple honesty to yourself. The kids told me I was the best singer all night, at least until a bunch of the girls decided to join me half way through the song to "help" me sing a song they didn't know. But we had fun.

One of the girls turned 16 on Sunday, so another adult and I spent most of Saturday looking for someplace with a bakery to make a cake ($50!) and a card and all that jazz... I never did get to sign the card, but she gave me a huge chunk of cake (with a cherry of course!).

Oh, and I saw the deacon who was youth mnister in my parish when I was a teenager. His module was just like being on a high school retreat again. It was fun and it reminded me a lot about who I was in high schoool. One important quote was "What I think and believe about myself, about others, and about life becomes my experience." or basically, it's not what happens to us that matters, it's what we think about what happens to us. There was more I wanted to say to him, but never really got the chance. Ok, so I had the chance but didn't take it. The last conversation I had with him was 10 years ago, when he was asking me to talk to a psychologist because he was concerned that I might attempt suicide again. I stood proudly and said that I was fine, that there was nothing to worry about, that I'd be able to take care of myself, and was so offended with the thought that I needed help that I subconsciously (and semi-consciously) decided that I didn't need to pray or to go to church or to believe in God to live my life to it's fullest. This attitude went on for about 8 years, and that period included one more suicide attempt. So all I wanted to say to my old youth minister was "Thank you for trying to save my life, all those years ago. I didn't understand back then, but it means a lot to me now." No, I never got a chance to tell him that.

And as the tradition goes, they gave us our Rainbow XXIII pins at the end of the conference. I bought a hat so I could put them along with my Rainbow XI and Rainbow XII pins and a gap where my Rainbow XIII pin should be (if they hadn't run out - I'm still upset about that).

We used the bus ride home to sing and to encourage them to sign up for Council next year. I personally signed up for the Adult Committee, but I'd rather be on the actually Youth Council again. I had a lot of good times back then. Oh, to be a teenager again... no, never mind, that would just be a pain in the ass. Anyway, I think I am going to try to be an adult helping Council, though. I figure if I manage to bring a bunch of kids with me, they aren't really going to turn me down, are they? I also figure the only way I'm going to get the kids to actually go to the meetings is to help them through the first step: going to a meeting. So basically I'll call whoever's in charge and get the info on the first meeting and bring some of them to the meeting myself.

So, our youth minister let me go because he thought it'd be a good chance to get to know the kids better, and I think I accomplished that. Some of the kids asked me for my screen name, so maybe they'll be IM'ing me too. The big group of girls treat me like I'm a player. One of the guys seems to think I actually care about what's going to happen for the Super Bowl. One girl seems to think I'm a reliable person to talk too. I think that most of them are going to be on the confirmation retreats, so those should be fun.

Have you ever looked into someones eyes and thought
you knew exactly what they were thinking? Has that
thought ever been I wish you were someone else.? Have
you ever wished you could be someone else, just for
that person? All the answers would seen simple,if that
wish were granted, but it cant and wont happen...

Okay, so I never did get any sleep last night, did I? That's okay, I had a friend over for dinner, which was cool. But now it's time to run off to the church so we can get on the bus and go to Rainbow. Last night, I dug up my old pins. This year is Rainbow XXIII, and I found my pins from Rainbow XI and XII... I'm old... Too bad I never got a Rainbow XIII pin; I think we ran out that year and had to give up ours to give to the attendees. Anyway, I'm tired and I'm rambling, so bye bye for a good 36 hours...

According to DVDPlanet and Nausicaa.net, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds, Porco Rosso, and The Cat Returns are now shipping on Feb 22! They were supposed to re-do My Neighbor Totoro also, but that must have fallen through the cracks somehow (perhaps licensing issues with Fox Family?). Anyway, I already consider Nausicaa one of my favorite anime movies, and can say I've seen (and really liked) the Cat Returns (the cat in question would be the Baron from Whisper of the Heart). Therefore, they go back on my DVD pre-order list.

I guess I have to really think about my job... I'm very well compensated for doing relatively little, until an emergency pops up, at which point I am expected to find and solve problems as quickly as possible, but no quicker, but the real kicker is that I have to remain flexible. I have to be willing and able (with a few occasions of grace, as permitted either by my boss or by co-workers) to work on off shifts and to travel when requested with reasonable warning.

Sadly, reasonable warning consists of a mere 3-4 days. I guess it would be easier for me to accept being shipped out of town, because that way it feels like I'm away from everything back home. However, working off shifts is more like knowing I'm still just a 20 minute drive from my friends or my church or whatever else, but being 8 hours away from them for any practical purposes. And I only get paid a mere 5% more for doing it.

And I have to consider how well compensated I am. I certainly didn't expect to be making 6 digits by the age of 26. I do know that other young people in my field, many of whom I think are at least as smart as I am (at least for job purposes), they are usually making $15-$20 per hour LESS than what I'm making... Plus they get screwed on overtime and travel time and don't have nearly the job security that I have.

I guess that almost everyone either hates their job completely or at least hates certain aspects of the job. I guess that almost everyone still sticks with their jobs because they don't see any other way to go on without their current job, besides changing their lifestyle (and who in their right mind would want to do THAT).

But I shouldn't be complaining. Well, at least not too loud...

Ok, so thats what I was thinking last night. Then, I
thought it funny how all my weekend activities meshed
together, better than I could have planned it. But
now... I just got asked to do 2nd shift again, which
would slaughter both my weekends and weekdays. One of
my coworkers volunteered for next week, but after that...

Speaking of always being too busy to do more, I was talking with one of the other adult facilitators about Rainbow and mentioned that I was going to ask if they could use some more adult help on CYO Youth Council, and she (who was also complaining about being way too busy) said she wanted to do it too...

So why is it that when I am completely swamped with things to do, that it makes sense to volunteer for more? At least I'm not the only one.

Actually, speaking for myself, it makes perfect sense... Mania (or hypomania) could cause inflated sense of worth and I'm sure that means that I could somehow imply an inflated sense of available time. I think this would just be a slight episode, but I'm really in no state to evaluate that, am I?

There's always something more to volunteer for, isn't there? This time, it's the Confirmation retreats. Yeah, my future sister-in-law hates the confirmation coordinator (long story) and I really can't stand the strictness that I'd be required to follow if I were a teacher in the program, but I still like helping her out on the retreats.

Retreats are usually fun: always a good opportunity to get to know a lot of the teen facilitators and some of the candidates, usually a good opportunity to get to know a little more about yourself, and sometimes a good opportunity to change someone's life or their perspective on life for the better. All it costs me is a few nights a week right now (as if I'm not busy enough) and a few weekends later on (remember, each weekend I don't work is about $1000 pretax), but I think it'll be worth it later.

Hope so, at least.

Remember that feeling of unworthyness? I knew that I had pulled the words "not worthy" from a song, but I couldn't remember what the song was talking about... But they sang it yesterday, and I recognized it because one of the girls in the choir had been practicing it while I was around about the same time I went through that episode. The song is called "I Shall Be Healed" by Bob Rice, and here's the chorus:

For I am not worthy to receive you, Lord.
No, I am not worthy of Your body and Your blood.
Only say the Word and Your mercy is revealed.
Say the word and I shall be healed.

Yes, it was simply a musical version of those words we say in preparation for communion every Sunday... But I guess when she sang it, the words "I am not worthy" just rang in my ears, though I never could remember the rest of it.

At least that mood has passed... though I still believe I am not worthy to receive Him.

Okay, so I caved in and bought a GBA-SP... After all, there are parts of Zelda that I guess you can't access without one. I just got a used one, though, and this one actually looks a bit chewed on... ew...

I left work early to make it to church in time for our pre-meeting. On the way, I had relapsed thoughts about the fact that, once again, I wasn't on the planning team for the LifeNight. Why am I there? I basically haven't done anything but grunt work since I've been there. The only LifeNight for which I was techincally on the planning team didn't involve me to do anything but buy ice cream. And as for the woman who was leading this LifeNight, I had personally asked her back in November to put me on her next planning team, and she said she would. I was never even asked. Do they even recognize that I'm there? I had this entire discussion planned out in my head, I'd approach one of them and ask them about it. I'd make an issue of it, because it bothers me.

But I got there, decided to drop the entire thing, and gave the woman a hug before asking her what she needed me to do. And I went to work. It felt the right thing to do. It wasn't worth the concern I'd raise, because I knew they relied on me, and I always took care of things that most of the others normally didn't even think about doing.

Sadly, I forgot my camera. I hadn't even thought about it. I haven't used it since the FIRST kickoff, I think. This was most unfortunate, because this was probably the most photogenic night since the start of the year in September. Oh well.

Instead, I got to act as security. The entire thing was a long game show, and there were certain areas that I was supposed to make sure the teens didn't enter. So I didn't. And when we needed to get the teens to move from the welcoming area to the seats for the show, I starting shouting as if I were an official crowd control officer or something. It worked amazingly well; all 150 or so teens left the food behind and got seated within 5 minutes.

But later, they pulled the teens into small groups of about 8 teens, and I had to lead a group. As is normal for me, I end up pulling together the group of 8 guys that 1) are all friends, 2) don't want to be there, and 3) I couldn't make a connection with, when I tried. Luckily one of the other adults asked me if he could join, and he just took over. That's what a being facilitator should be about... helping the students to hear and understand and helping them to share their ideas and build off those. And knew I couldn't have done it. Why am I there?

Anyway, none of this changes the fact that I want to be more involved. I want to be doing things. I can't wait until Rainbow, the experience which will be starting 5am or so on Saturday. Plus there's the confirmation retreat meeting on Wednesday. And next week, a meeting with the Core group with the pastor, and then another party... Always so much going on...

A fresh pot of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee... I can't think of a better beverage to "wake up" to in the morning. Well, mimosas are good too, but I'm allergic to orange juice and openning a bottle of Chandon just to make a single glass of mimosa is a bit of a waste...

Now to crawl to work...

It's 2am, and I'm watching a movie. "Why do I do this?", I wonder. It's a good movie, and I really am enjoying it, but my mind inevitably wanders. This is a rough outline of my thought progress over the last two hours, while watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

It kind of started with the thought, that's great how that romance just kind of happens and I start thinking about all the movies I actually like, and how so often it comes down to a character, one that I identify with or see parts of me or see parts that I want to be. And I think about how the pattern is consistent.

Patterns... there's a funny thing about patterns. As I grew up, we had numerous books "for the super-intelligent" or whatnot, and the two most frequent problems they gave were either logic-solving or pattern-recognition. So I pretty much grew up to follow patterns, and I do it with everything. The most outwardly freaky outcome is that I stare at people in crowds, until I figure out who they remind me of.

But there are patterns I avoid looking at. Why? Because they lead to me. I'm still afraid of myself. Well, at least parts of myself. I write about a lot of things, but there are many still that I think about often and don't write; things that I know how I would write, but never will.

But anyway, the pattern I think about write now is why I'm still awake. Why did I start a movie at midnight? My answer is that I'm afraid that I won't wake up early enough for everything I have to do tomorrow. But if I have so much to do, why am I just watching a movie? The real answer, I'm afraid, is that I'm afraid that I won't like how I wake up tomorrow; I won't like how I feel. Waking up is so full of regrets... I have to go to work because I have to earn money because I wasted too much money on intangible items that do nothing to add to my happiness, but the end result just puts me in regretable situations followed by regretable loneliness, and then I volunteer for more and more things outside of work to make some sort of a social life combined with some sort of structure where people depend upon me, but eventually I just fear that I'm going to collapse from the stress that I imagine might come. Bad piles upon bad piles upon bad, and I bring it all down on myself.

And so I come up with another bad idea, that maybe I won't have to wake up tomorrow. Instead I'll just sludge through a day that I wasn't going to enjoy anyway, until I get to a point where I actually might have some fun but I'll be too tired to deal with... yeah, that almost makes sense.

Oh, but I really do like this movie. Highly recommended.

I have such a fucked up mind... it's a wonder I get anything done. Am I in over my head? Probably not, but the fear still remains.

My mom dropped my sister off at the airport yesterday; she's on her way to Delaware for the weekend. Anyway, I guess my sister thought there was something wrong with her car, so she told her that on the way home, she should get off the expressways and take all the side streets. My mom has lived in the Metro Detroit area for a long long time, you would think she could make it back... But nope, she got lost. Managed to make it the way to Toledo (about an hour drive south of the airport via expressways; I guess the welcome to Ohio sign is a pretty good indication that she was lost) before she decided to turn around.

Well, what can you do?

Anyway, she's packing up for another medical mission to the Phillipines. She's been doing this every year for a few years. I let her "borrow" $500 to help cover costs, but naturally I know that I'll never get paid back. She's been doing that also quite frequently for a few years. I'm glad that the Phillipines wasn't really hit by the tsunami's too; might have turned messy for her if it had been. Well, I'm sure she'll have a safe flight and I hope it's a good trip.

Here's an example of an anime that I'm almost embarrassed about... It's storybook-like tale about Ahiru, a duck who is given a chance to be human through a magic pendant. As a human, she becomes a ballet student at an exclusive school and falls in love with this prince Myuto. The boy has no emotions, because in a storybook story, he captured evil within his heart and then shattered it to prevent the evil from emerging. However, Ahiru can transform into Princess Tutu, and in that form starts to find and return his lost emotions.

It's a cute little romance, seemingly intended for young children, but I really like the series. I got about half way through watching the second series before I stopped downloading anime, so I never really did finish the story. Things do start to get darker in the second season, as I recall. Anyway, it's starting to get released on DVD, so I feel like I have to tell everyone that they have to watch it!

Well, the team decided that they don't need/want a 3-prong gripper that I was suggesting. So, the "research" that I had planned on doing at Dave & Busters ended up being not-so-important. For the heck of it, I did play one game one the giant claw (a staggering 9 credits!), and didn't manage to get the dragon I wanted. Sucks.

Just as well, only one of the teachers ended up going, and none of the students, as far as I could tell. That one teacher brought his wife and daughter, and I met up with my brother and his fiancee. His daughter was dying to play some DDR rip-off and neither her mother nor father seemed up to the task, so I played my first (and second) game of DDR ever. Surprisingly, even faced against this 10-year younger girl who is a ballet dancer and in much better shape than I am, I somehow won both games, even the second game while I was still suffering from the asthma attack from the first game.

I have being bored at work. Its always hurry up and
wait, hurry up and wait. And the. they say We want
this to work by tomorrow, but we can only give you one
person to do the 20 tasks youve been asking for all
week. And dont even think about doing the work
yourself. This is a union facility. I wish there at
least was a good place to sleep around here.

I have being bored at work. Its always hurry up and
wait, hurry up and wait. And the. they say We want
this to work by tomorrow, but we can only give you one
person to do the 20 tasks youve been asking for all
week. And dont even think about doing the work
yourself. This is a UAW facility. I wish there at
least was a good place to sleep around here.

Over the last few days, I've been trying to figure out how to design a big long arm and a 3-way pincher for robotics. I've kind of have an idea of how it should work, but I'm a bit out of my element (a computer engineer doing a mechanical engineer's work), so I've been putting it off.

So, I figured I need to do some "gripper research". What better place than at Dave and Buster's? They have those "giant claw" type games, so I figured I might find something worth copying. So I started telling all the teachers and students that there isn't a "team meeting" or anything, but if people had time and means and money to go to D&B's after tomorrow's meeting, that I'll be there. Maybe I'll buy everyone a couple tries at the giant claw as "operator training" or something.

I do think that I'll be much better remembered than the lead engineer last year... No dictatorships, this time, thank you very much. And no veiled threats, either (there was a private email from the engineer to the lead teacher which had suggested that the black sheep on the team, me, should be introduced to a 9mm bullet). No big-hammer-over-minor-adjustment philosophy. And no Sunday night break-ins (they never gave him a set of keys, but someone did manage to set off the alarms a few times by openning the robotics room door). You won't find me kicking people off the team (or just telling them they can't touch the robot at all, anymore) just because they "put the screw in wrong" or whatever other lame mistake. As for temper tantrums and mood swings... well, I've got plenty of time to throw those into the mix, so I can't promise I won't have either of those.

I've been putting off getting a hair cut for a while, so my sister took the liberty of scheduling me with her stylist. $30 (plus tip) for a hair cut??? And I have to put styling paste in my hair to get it to stay that way? Ick...

At least it looks good, for the moment...

So I got 7 messages today on my work cell, all asking where the hell I am... I wonder, did my boss even check his messages? Not cool. Everyone is freaking out on my account and everyone's going to watching me for the rest or the week or worse. I did leave a voice mail, didn't I? God I hope so. If I get put on warning or suspension or something, my boss might watch my badge in times for the next 3 months or something. Maybe I should go to sleep early today, and get to work early tomorrow...

Saw the movie Sideways with my sister Saturday night. It's a strange tale about two old college buddies, one an english teacher/novelist/wine snob, the other a actor/player, and they go up to California wine country for a week-long bachelor party for the actor. The actor, sees this as his last chance to get laid, but the wine snob just wants to live his depressing post-divorce life. So they try to hook up with a couple of the local women.

Lot of different things to say here. The movie is a hilarious, especially if you have an appreciation for wine. I did find it interesting that he could actually summarize his entire life by describing a grape. This character is who I could see myself becoming after my first divorce; luckily, I'm not even married yet.

But it also goes to show that I really am a fake when it comes to wine, just a poser pretending to have an actual palate. Maybe that's okay for now. I kind of want to get a bit more serious about it, though. After all, wine is good for the heart, right? Maybe bad for my moods, but oh well.

I woke up late, so I decided to just call in sick. That solves the problem with not wanting to go to work, I guess.

I guess I spoke too soon. Desktop no longer works. At church, I just felt out of it, in several ways. Not looking forward to work tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'm really up for robotics after that. But I guess I'm committed, so what can I do?

I finally reinstalled Windows on my desktop. Such a pain... I'll have to redownload drivers and codex and reinstall programs and tons of other things.

I'll have to work on the laptop soon, too. I know I lost some data on that hard drive, but I hope it wasn't too much. But at least for now, I still have internet access.

Anyway, I think I really want to do some massive upgrades to this system. This is the one that'll sit in the den, and will be acting as my primary file server, and hopefully as a print server too (if I ever figure out where to put my printers). But to be a good file server, I'll need more and bigger hard drives (these are already filled with 1-year-old anime), but to do that, I'll probably need a new motherboard, one with SATA and USB2. Plus I'd really like to get a flat screen monitor on this system. That might actually leave me with the room behind the monitor to place my printers. But if I'm going to do a LCD screen, should I just get 2 monitors? It'd be useful if I use this as my primary photo editing station. Maybe a nice new video card, and I can start using this as a gaming powerhouse again. Too many new toys to buy...

Robotics was fun today, and it almost feels like I'm ready for a manic swing. Sadly, my laptop crashed pretty badly, so now I don't even have a running computer at home. Thank God for cell phones!(oh, and for the rest of creation too...)

Went to a little dinner party. A friend from Ann Arbor decided to drive up, so Todd decided to throw some tuna steaks on the grill. Had a couple glasses of wine, to go with.

Okay, so the wine was probably not good for my moods, but getting out of the house helped a lot. When there's something else going on, I can actually tune out the ominous horror that I thought I saw this morning.

But it's 1am and I have to be up at 5am, be on the other side of town by 7am, have breakfast with the other teachers, sit and watch until noon, be back at the school at 2pm, drive them to choose a design by 6pm, and hopefully make it out to think about watching a movie by 8pm. I think sleep is out (not a good decision, I know, but what can I do?).

"Just tired"... Ok, so that's bullshit and I know it. It's like when you're driving down the road and you see a big snowstorm right in front of you. A terrible cloud of white chaos lies ahead. It looks endless. You really want to be on the other side but there's only one direction to go- forward. Add frustration in various aspects of your life, too little sleep, unexplicable loneliness, deep cynicism, well-timed periods of noiseless terror, expectations of losing control at any moment. Green light, so go...

10 hours of sleep and I'm just slightly more awake than I was yesterday. Today will be a full day. Tomorrow will be busier yet. At least I'll have Sunday morning to sleep in and relax and Sunday evening all I have to do is go to mass and watch a movie (Napoleon Dynamite, again). While I'd pass on the movie, it's better than the alternatives.

I was so loking forward to a nice weekend off... I almost forgot about robotics. Yep, FIRST robotics kickoff is Saturday. The teachers were nice enough to point out that I'm the only "lead" engineer they have, and that they'll be counting on me to do much of the design... Goodbye, everyone... Maybe I'll get to have a life again sometime in February...

*sob*

Anyway, more and more, I think this will be the last time... Just one last season... I'm so tired...

A rear end and a T-bone. I was so sleepy at the wheel
today, that I almost rear ended another car on the
express way. I lost control and spun 180 from the
rightmost lane, across 2 lanes of traffic, to the
center left turn lane just in time that the car in the
3rd lane could blow by me. Someone must be looking out
for me. I should be more careful anyway...

Our youth minister called yesterday, asking if we could sit down and have coffee or dinner or something soon. So yeah, Starbucks today at 5:30, just enough time to get there after work is done.

I'm driving there and I'm wondering, why do we need a one-on-one? Am I in trouble? Am I being kicked out? Stop panicking, it's not you.

Well, I was right. It's him... or actually his wife. They're moving to Missouri in March. So, come March, we are youth minister-less? I don't know, maybe they'll hire a new one by then, or maybe one of the other Core members will step up. Maybe well keep the LifeTeen program, maybe we'll dump it.

Well, one way or another, I have faith that it will all work out. God has plans for us all.

Anyway, the real pisser is that he was telling me about the real estate down there. They were looking at a house, 3200 sq ft, 3 bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms, fully finished walkout basement, 2 kitchens (!), 2 dining rooms, a great room, and a living room... Only $139,000. Geez, I paid twice that for half the house. Oh well.

I finally finished reading the Truman Capote story. I liked the movie better, by far. The book ended with Holly continuing to be a free spirit, chasing the money. After making bail, she decides to go ahead with the trip to Brazil, mostly because she refuses to rat out Uncle Sally. She does free the cat, but then tasks Fred to go back and find it. The last trace of Holly is in a National Geographic magazine, where Mr. Yunioshi photographs a carved wooden bust of Holly. No romantic happy ending. Definitely liked the movie better.

Ooh, another $100 out the door... but for good reason, I think.

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't be announcing to the world how much I make in a year. Oh well, already done. So I figured I might as well start paying for year-round credit reports. Identity stealers beware. (no, that's not a challenge)

As the saying goes, what is said cannot be unsaid. Blog entries, on the other hand, can be deleted, both the entries I was never meant to read and the entry which acknowledged that I read it. And now I can plausably deny that I read what I read, because can anyone prove that something was said in the first place?

On the other hand, what was read cannot be unread. Forgetten, perhaps, but this one can't be forgetten. The best I can hope to do is feign ignorance, so that is what I'll have to do.

Yes, Im going to end up paying for the little bit of
wine... I can feel the uncertainty, the shame, the
loneliness, all of it just slowly starting to grow,
slowly, quietly, crawling, hiding, sneaking... Its
there. I can see it out the corner of my eye, but Im
sure itll show itself soon enough....

I figure that my original introduction from 2 years ago (and more than 1100 posts ago) is outdated, so I ought to reintroduce myself. A lot of the stuff, such as my real name, I used to hide but I don't anymore. A lot of my beliefs have changed. Some hobbies have grown while others have receded.
So here it goes.

My name is JT Hernandez and I'm 27 years old. JT stands for Teofilo Jr, but I go by JT, not TJ. Online, I go by the handle Dreistul. Dreistul is a unique name that I made up with about 4 years ago, originally just as a name to use while gaming online, but eventually as a name I use as my everyday online personality. There has never been a major difference in my online and offline personalities, except that I am more talkative online, so who you read about or talk to as Dreistul is who I really am. Okay so I’m a lot more talkative online, so here you’ll actually hear opinions on things that you’d never hear coming from my mouth. Also, like I said, it's a unique name which I made up. I am the one and only Dreistul. I say that often, but despite how boastful it sounds, I mean it only as a pure and humble fact.

I have a condition called Bipolar II Disorder, a lesser version of Bipolar Disorder which is often called Manic Depression. Bipolar II means that I flip-flop between hypomanic and depressive episodes. Depressive episodes are what most people are familiar with. The blues, the mean reds, apathy, sadness, all that kind of stuff.
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:

Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood

Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex

Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"

Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

Restlessness or irritability

Sleeping too much, or can't sleep

Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain

Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury

Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Hypomanic episodes are lesser versions of full-blown manias and are like little periods of euphoria. Sounds like fun, but it’s completely reckless and sometimes scary.
Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness

Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood

Extreme irritability

Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another

Distractibility, can't concentrate well

Little sleep needed

Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers

Poor judgment

Spending sprees

A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual

Increased sexual drive

Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications

Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior

Denial that anything is wrong

Symptoms list from the National Institute of Mental Health
I had read once that many bipolar patients become a "jack-of-all-trades", due to the periods of intense focus turning on and turning off, each time usually involving a new hobby or new field of study. As for the "master-of-none" description, I don’t think it applies to me, as I am pretty well specialized in a number of fields. Approximately 1% of all people are bipolar, but unsurprisingly few people know about it and far fewer choose to understand it. As far as I can tell from my memories, I've probably had this disease since I was 8 or 9, although I've only been diagnosed with and treated for it for the last 2 years. When I was younger (elementary through high school), depressions dominated my life. I have attempted or planned my suicide at least 6 times in my life. For the past 7 or so years, I have tended to lean slightly toward manias. I sought treatment after I realized how strongly I was swinging in manias, and I recognized how much I could hurt my family and friends (especially my brother and his girlfriend, who was a really good friend of mine) if depression came at the wrong time. To treat this disease, I now take 1200mg of lithium carbonate, which acts as a mood stabilizer, and 600mg of Seroquel, which acts as a antipsychotic to bring me down off hypomanic moods, as well as an emergency stash of Wellbutrin, just in case I fall into a depression while I'm out of town. Also, I go to therapy sessions with my psychiatrist every month or so. She strongly recommends that I not drink and that I get at least 8 hours of sleep each night; though I try to keep to those, I have been known to break both guidelines on a regular basis. Getting 8 hours of sleep is the harder to break, however, because 600mg Seroquel tends to knock me out for 8-10 hours and no matter how many alarm clocks I have or how loud they are I won't wake up without a full dose of sleep (unless I don't take my pills, of course). I will probably need to change doctors soon, because of my new HMO coverage, but I am comfortable with my current doctor and don't really want to change.

My parents were both born and raised in the Phillipines, but they met here in the Detroit area. All four of us kids were born here, and I'm the youngest. My sister Emmy works in a physical therapy office, my brother Len is a high school math teacher, my other brother Noli is a sales engineer. We sometimes joke about (well, ok, I sometimes joke about) the inverse ratio of age to height and income; in other words, the youngest is the tallest and makes the most money, while the oldest is shortest, and the other two are stuck in between. I grew up with the least restrictive rules from my father (my brothers broke the rules often enough to make him back off, though I never took much advantage of it), but I also had to go to school where all the teachers had the highest expectations of me (only one of my teachers in 3 years of middle school and 4 years of high school had not taught at least one of my three siblings). My father passed away back in '97, after his 3rd major heart attack. My mother is alive and well, though she had breast cancer a number of years ago. Em lives with my mom. Len is married and he and Heather is expect their first kid (90% likely a girl) in February. Noli is getting married in May, to Joanna, one of my best friends from high school. I am "happily" single.

I am a Catholic, born and raised, though my paths through life have not always included a god. Right now, I believe in one God, his Son, the Holy Spirit, one baptism, yatta yatta yatta. In middle school, I considered God a cruel, vengeful being that I'd be better without. In high school, I believed in a kind, loving God and I was very active in the church. For a number of years (most of college, maybe afterward too) I tried running from it; I thought that I was self-sufficient and no longer needed God. I changed my mind a couple of years ago, realized that my beliefs almost always followed my moods (finding God during manias and dumping him during depressions), and found myself in a position where I had no overwhelming proof either way. I decided that I should go with what I'm happier with. And so it is that, now, I believe in God not because I am told that I should, not because I read that I should, and not (oddly enough) because I feel that I should, but simply because I choose to. Despite my current faith, I am still afraid that I'm going to dump my beliefs, as I have done so many times before. Also, I consider myself a fairly free-minded Catholic; I am not a particular fan of Pope John Paul II or his advisor Cardinal Radzinger, but I'm not going into that.

I work for one of the "Big Three" automakers, starting up the control systems for new manufacturing lines. I've worked there for about a year and a half. I'm much happier now than I was with my old job, which was sales related, but lately I've been apathetic and lazy because nothing interesting happens anymore. I typically work 50-66 hours per week, sometimes as much as 84 hours per week. I spend much of that time at work reading, writing, doing crosswords, and watching my 401k. However, they pay me well; well enough that last year I was able to pay off my credit cards and buy a fairly large house this year, but my spending habits are atrocious enough that, despite significant check to my credit card companies, I'm in perpetual debt. To compensate, I work a lot of overtime, which means I often lose opportunities to hang out with friends. To make things worse, I've spent most of the last year working on off shifts (afternoons and midnights), so a lot of people don't count on me like they used to.

I am currently an adult member of my church's LifeTeen youth group. In theory, this means I plan LifeNights (youth group meetings), play in skits if necessary, and run small group talks, but thank to all my off-shifts and long hours at work, I don't think they really trust me to get too involved. Just as well perhaps; I connect with the teens much better when dealing with long exposure to them, like on all-weekend retreats, than I do during half hour small group talks. Besides, the fact that I never put down my camera probably makes them think I'm no more than the designated photographer. As I always say, I use my camera as a shield. Anyway, ever since the Fall Camp, I've found it easier to talk to many of the teens and even to some of the other adults. I think it would be nice to get to know some of the adults better, especially the younger (early 20's) group, who all hang out together, but since they know I work too much, they don't call me too often.

Besides work and church, I also help out at my brother's high school on their FIRST Robotics team. I'm not as excited as I have been in the past. I'm sure that part of it is being afraid of another mania, like I used to get every year. Part of it is that I'm afraid the team (ie the teachers) is going to rely on me for more than I'll be willing or able to give. This might be my last year; there are other things I want to do, like CYO/Rainbow, and if I end up with too much on my plate, robotics will drop first.

I consider myself a decent photographer. Calling myself decent is about as high of a compliment that I allow myself, though some people tell me I'm pretty good. I first started photography with an Elph about 6 years ago and have bought a new camera every 2 years since then.
I now shoot with a Canon Digital Rebel which I've had for about 3 months. I took a basic photography class with my sister this past November, and I plan to move into an intermediate class this coming May. Despite the size of my bag and weight of my camera, I carry my camera around a lot, and if its not in my hand, there's a good chance its in my car. I usually also carry a monopod, to try to negate the hand tremors that I get from lithium. Besides being a device to record memories of an event, I also use it as a psychological shield, to keep me from getting involved when I don't feel I'm ready. I'm just a man behind the camera, and it's rare to find me in any picture.

I love to cook. It doesn't matter if it's just a simple stir-fry or some grand complicated experiment that I've never tried before. I guess it's kind of like a big chemistry set, but whatever comes out, you have to eat it. When I follow recipes, I usually gloss over it just enough to get the concept and then do the rest however I feel like doing it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I must have caught the cooking knack from my mom, who is great at cooking Filipino dishes. I've learned a few of her dishes, but not enough that I'd be able to make a full party like she used to. Anyway, New York style cheese cakes and Thai dishes are my latest specialties.

I've been a fan of anime and manga for quite some time, hence the second half of my blog title, Otaku. I used to be a heavy trader on Direct Connect hubs; at one point, I probably had the 8th largest collection. However, the work of downloading and archiving everything eventually outweighed the pleasure of watching, so I stopped logging into DC over a year ago. I still have a large DVD collection, probably over 140 discs. These days, I most anime I watch, I rent from NetFlix, though I pick up some new series through bittorrents. My favs include Haibane Renmei, Escaflowne, KareKano, FLCL, Cowboy Bebop, Alien 9, and just about every movie that has come from Studio Ghibli. I've also got a collection of toys (mostly Macross and some Escaflowne) as well as manga (Nausicaa, KKNJ, CB, Alien 9, LH, and others). My favorite manga, Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou, still isn't printed in the US, however; you can find it on the web at ykk.misago.org.

I like to drink wine. I have about 120 bottles in my house, of all different kinds and from all over the world. There are two complications, however. First, I am slightly allergic to alcohol, and it has been known to trigger severe asthma attacks and rashes. That has slowed me down in the past, but rarely stopped me. Second, alcohol is a depressant, and so it can throw me into some nasty mood swings. Read that again: my fear of depressions will keep my sober, but my fear of choking to death will not. Messed up, huh? Incidentally, the opposite of alcohol is marijuana, which tends to cause manias. Too bad it’s illegal.

I am a techie. I like owning all the newest gadgets. The latest "want" is a palmtop pc, like a Sony Vaio U70 or a OQO, but with a $2000 sticker price, I think I should at least pay off my credit card first. I also want to get a large LCD HDTV, like the Sharp Aquos. They are more expensive than plasmas (about $9000 for a 45"), but they have no burn in effect, so I feel safer using it with a computer for large screen video games and video playback. That brings me to another want, a dedicated computer to act as part of my entertainment system, but that'll have to wait until I at least get my desktop (which has be down for about 8 months) running again.

I have a Tivo now, mostly because I think it's the only way I can make cable worth the $50/month that I pay for it. The shows I watch right now are Dead Like Me, Huff, the Apprentice, House, Joan of Arcadia, Desperate Housewives, and Good Eats. Other favorite shows include Seinfeld, the Simpsons, Futurama, Cheers, Frasier, MASH, Buffy, and Alias. Yeah, I know that some of those are still on the air, but I don't watch them.

My favorite (non-anime) movies include the Princess Bride, Chasing Amy, Boondock Saints, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Aladdin, the Lord of the Rings trilogy (though, as a fan of the books, I do have some gripes), Finding Nemo, the Matrix, and Good Morning Vietnam. I used to love Star Wars and James Bond movies, but they feel like they've worn thin over the years. As for new movies, I usually end up only watching about 2-3 per year, partly because I (and all my friends too) am usually too busy to go to the movies with my friends and partly because the rising movie costs are pretty ridiculous.

My favorite books include the Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony, the Dark Tower series by Stephen King, the Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkein, the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling, the Hitchhiker's Guide series by Douglas Adams, the Ender series by Orson Scott Card, Wrinkle in Time by Madame L'Engle, and Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. The number of children's books on my list always surprises me, but doesn't change the fact that they are some of my favorites.

I have found that the music I listen to often reflects my mood. One of my favorite bands is Dashboard Confessional and when I listen to it (in the car, often driving around aimlessly), it's almost always a sign of depression. Classics like Simon and Garfunkel or Floyd might be (might only) be manic drives, but not always. Jimmy Buffett or Billy Joel I usually play when the whether gets better, and good weather sometimes can cause a manic swing in me too. Matchbox 20 can go either way; sometimes I think I listen to it in a manic mood in order to unconsciously drive myself into a depressed mood. But regardless of what I’m listening to, you can be sure that I will be singing along.

Speaking of singing, I was in a fraternity in college. The fraternity is sometimes called the singing fraternity, and though I was never officially “Song Leader”, I still knew the music better than almost anyone else. I also knew the history and lore better than anyone, which is why they made me “Lore Master”. I also knew the bylaws better than anyone, which is why the made me “Parliamentarian”. Of course I knew about computers, so they made me “Tech Chair”. And I always had my camera, which is why they made me “Historian”. And I could cook the books better than anyone, so I was elected to both “Treasurer” and “Comptroller”. I didn’t take “President” or “Pledge Educator”, though. Ran for both senior year, and despite assurances that I’d win one or the other, I lost both. I was the happiest person when elections were over… you see, I really didn’t want an office senior year, but “they” were all saying I was going to be railroaded into one of those two offices, anyway. Anyway, most of the friendships that I still hold came out of that fraternity.

I like playing video games, but they do take too much time and I have so little to spare. I've got a Playstation 2 and a GameCube, as well as a Alienware laptop. These days, I tend to start games and get about 10% through before abandoning them. Right now, I'm in the middle of Beyond Good and Evil and Zelda the Wind Waker. Among my all-time favorites are Ultima IV, Leisure Suit Larry 1, Final Fantasy X/X-2, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Gauntlet: Dark Legacy, Silent Scope Ex, the Sims, Grand Theft Auto 3, and the Longest Journey.

I think I should address the question that I think all bloggers should answer at least once: Why do I blog? I blog so that I can express all the things I can't say in words to anyone. There are a number of reasons why I can't tell people about the things I write. 1) When people ask me what's on my mind, I instantly revert to "oh nothing" or "I'm fine" as an instinctive defense. 2) When I have something personal to say, I get nervous. When I get nervous I often choke (literally) or start skipping syllables or talk so softly no one can hear me. 3) Once I have the floor, I often forget what I was going to say. 4) If I do manage to start talking, I start rambling on about all the unimportant things. 5) I really don't think my problems are so bad that I have to bother friends with problems of their own. 6) I don't think my friends really understand the problems I'm going through, particularly bipolar related problems. 7) Much of what I write is just meant to clear my mind of stupid thoughts that would just be a waste to talk about. So, usually, I just write.

That's me, more or less. Other random stuff:
- I psychoanalyze myself constantly (this entry is a perfect example).
- Certain thoughts tend to continue carrying themselves in my head, no matter how bad an idea I think it is (for example, I don't think I'd make a good priest, yet the thought returns often [note: that's the first time I've ever even suggested that I've had that thought]).
- I have a strong guilt complex and a strong sense of personal ethics. In other words, anytime I do anything I think is wrong, I feel like slime, sometimes to the point of puking. Sometimes, just watching a tv character doing something illegal will churn my stomach.
- I’m a romantic, but I have the savvy of a warthog.
- I’m a cynic, which really just means that I’m a very disappointed idealist.
- I think many people like me for my honesty and loyalty (several people have told me so) but I think I’m not worthy of their trust on either measure.
- I am usually anal when it comes to project details, but when it comes to my own life, I'm incredibly messy and disorganized.
- I use ellipses like crazy…
- I used to be an avid Upoc text message writer, but after getting hit with a $200 bill one month for getting 6000+ too many messages.
- From one moment to another, I can be very caring to very callous. (example: talking about the tsunami and saying how tragic the death of 100,000+ people is and then saying [now ashamedly] “It's not too bad… that's not even 1% of the population."). Part of this is related to mood swings, but it's mostly caused by years of being a goody-goody followed by years of being a full-time asshole and back. I’m surprised that some friends from back then still talk to me…
- I've always wanted to travel around the world (particularly to visit major vineyards), but the thought of doing it alone is both depressing and frightening.
- I'm often chosen for leadership roles, but I usually run away from the responsibilities of leadership.
- I always want to get myself into a position where people rely on me, but once they start to rely on me, I want out. It’s just a normal reaction for me, usually because I stress out under the pressure, but sometimes I find myself feeling like I’m being used.
- I like being a generous person, but at the same time I’m often afraid that someone will decide to use me for my money.
- I have a habit of staring at some people in a crowd, trying to figure out who he/she reminds me of. They probably see me and think I'm a perverted old creep, but they should rest assured I'm not old and not a creep; I can’t defend the third allegation.
- I am terrible with names, so bad that it's hardly worth me asking. I ask for the sake of politeness, and so that learn my name. More often than not, they remember my name, and I end up feeling really, really guilty that I don’t know theirs.
- I have a bad case of CRS (Can't Remember Shit) disease. Early Alzheimer's? Too much alcohol in college? Too much stress senior year? Who knows?
- Sometimes, I like getting lost. While driving, if I have no where to be, I'll drive to somewhere I haven't been before and try to find a different way back.
- I've always been told that I act older than I am and that I look younger than I am, so I've always thought of myself as a smart kid. I can't stand the thought of being old, but I nonetheless surround myself with teenagers about 10 years younger than me. Luckily, in my industry, I am usually at least 10 years younger than everyone I work with.
- I have a personal opinion (a guess, really) that with the recent explosion of children diagnosed with ADD, that many of them are actually bipolar patients that have been misdiagnosed. However, I am not a doctor or a psychologist, so it’s just my guess.
- I am a conservative and a republican, but I believe that if socialism/communism could actually work fairly, I would support it. However, I don’t think it could ever work fairly.
- I jokingly say that I probably have a portfolio in the CIA files, most because when I was a kid I had taken out several books out of the library about nuclear devices and failed to return a couple. I had thought about applying for a job in the CIA once, but I didn’t submit the application just because the question where they ask about your family that lives outside of the county.

That's about all I can think of saying for now (as if that wasn't already more than you ever wanted to know). So please click where it says comment and complain about the length of my posts!

Happy New Year!
- JT

Oops... Somehow deleted the original post while blogging from my phone... Here's a recreation of what I thought I said.

I had planned on just having dinner at my college friend's in-laws (my "adopted in-laws") house, and then move on to another college friend's party about an hour's drive away. I also had planned on not drinking, but considering I brought with me a '97 Franciscan Cab Sauv and a Chandon bubbly, there was no way I could not have a couple glasses... Then a few more with the next good bottle. Then a few more. Eventually I had the choice of going shopping for more wine or going to the next party; I never made it to the next party.

Part of the reason I stayed is because I like drinking wine with them; the other party would be dominated by beer drinkers. Part is because this will be the last New Year's party I'll have with them, since they are moving to South Carolina in May. Part is because of their younger daughter. She's the one who caught me off guard when she told me "I always have fun when you're around" last time I saw her (around Thanksgiving time, I think). Her parents call me one of her corrupters, because I helped introduce her to fine wine at the New Year's party a couple of years ago. She was a junior in high school then. Now she is a freshman at Cleveland State on a full ride scholarship for golf. She came along, at my insistence, when we went last minute wine shopping, but she stayed in the car, at her older sister's insistence. She needed to get out of the house because she's been kooked up in the house since she came home from college, but she couldn't leave the car because she's drunk and underage (for shame!). We talked for much of the night... Or really she talked much of the night and I was an attentive audience. No, there isn't anything going on there, but it seemed like there was a lot she wanted to talk about and she seemed to trust me. So I continued to subtly corrupt her as we exchanged drinking stories. Much of the conversation was actually about her ex-boyfriend (the one that everyone likes), but it still made for an interesting conversation. She also told me some things about her friends about which I was sworn to secrecy. All I can say is that she has some awesome and generous friends.

Anyway, I crashed on the couch, ate breakfast with the family, watched the Parade of Roses, checked out the snowblower I will be buying from them, got a phone number to call next time I'm in Cleveland, and went home.

So much for not drinking...