The Bipolar Otaku

Woohoo! I tonight was the start of a 10-day vacation.

First, I went out after work with a couple of the guys from the plant for some beers at Dragonmead. This makes 16 breweries in Michigan that I've been too (not that many, really, though it sounds like a lot).

Then, I sat in traffic for an hour. Exciting stuff!

After that, I went to a party at a friend's house. Grilled up a burger, sat around and talked with their friends. I have to say, I feel old around these people! Got grilled about the state of the American auto industry... I also said something to some of my friends, which triggered at "See! What did I tell you!" reaction, but he wouldn't tell me what he meant because it's supposed to be a surprise for tomorrow's end of the year Core member party. I'm betting on "Most likely to jump into a conversation blind" or maybe "Most likely to interrupt a conversation"... both work, given the circumstances.

Then we went to see a movie. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Hilarious, though the anti-religous tones are borderline offensive. Not enough to keep me from laughing, though. I was supposed to see it tomorrow, with my brothers, but I jumped the gun. Oh well, I'll see it again!

Let's see... I still need to make a cheesecake for tomorrow's party... I'll probably make two and give one to my family. I might cheat on the raspberry topping and just use preserves rather than make it myself like I normally do... I'm just not sure I'll have time to go buy fresh raspberries.

Schedule for the rest of the vacation:
Saturday - Movie & end of year Core party.
Sunday - church & end of year Life Teen party & drive to Traverse City
Monday - hang out in Traverse City
Tuesday - hang out in Traverse City
Wednesday - drive home from Traverse City & bible study?
Thursday - pick up tux & wedding rehersal & dinner
Friday - ?
Saturday - wedding & reception
Sunday - post-wedding breakfast & church
Monday - robotics banquet & bible study?
Tuesday - return to work...
Wednesday - drive to Brampton for 3 days.

I had some of the most bizarre dreams last night. One was about this one family I was visiting. Getting there was strange; I had to drive on the railroad tracks to get to the house, I think. The parents were gone on business, and the three daughters (all young women) were left alone and they didn't know how to handle anything on their own... sounds simple, but everything was really really bizarre. I won't go into the things that I think we were eating... Next, there was a murder investigation, I think in the same house. The last one was about a bunch of my family (siblings, cousins, nieces, etc) just playing in front of my mom's house, with things like a parachute, a foam bat, and the most complicated and intricate bubble maker I've ever seen (it required 2 compressed air tanks).

But there was something else. I woke up a few times (4am, 5:15am), got up and went to the bathroom, then went back to sleep, telling myself that the limo isn't supposed to pick us up until 6:30. We were supposed to go to some weird castle, then. But when I went back to sleep, a limo did show up in my last dream (which ended shortly after, at 6:35). I find this to be very disturbing... was this a real delusion or was I just so sleepy that I was holding on to a part of the dream? Did I even wake up, or was that part of the dream too?

I've been thinking about a clever little ploy to tell this girl how much I like her. It's so ridiculously high schoolish that it just might work... that is, if I really decide to do it. I probably won't though. Well, if I do, the first step has to happen this weekend, and the rest of it involves a couple thing I can't talk about right now, for various reasons.

But then again, maybe I should just be waiting... Who knows, maybe something will happen in Phoenix that makes waiting worth it.

We'll see what happens, I guess.

I completely forgot to take down the Christmas lights hanging on my trees... I was going to take them down last week, but it started snowiing again. Go figure. Anyway, they are finally down. I feel like such a hick...

Well, I was going to right a post about an email I sent to the group about the bible studies that we have (or don't have, to be more honest)... I wrote a short email asking everyone to think about a few things, but then a huge email to really say my thoughts... rather long-winded, really, but when am I not?

This evening, I booked my plane tickets for the Core training in Phoenix. $280... but at least I'll have good company on the flight... you see, I booked it during and IM session with another core member, so we both booked our flights and picked our seats... you can guess who.

However, that $280 won't be all I'm spending... I told our youth minister that I'd be willing to pay my registration costs for the Covecrest trip, which is $400. That, and I'm still thinking about buying everyone rosaries, which will run about $160. But I guess $840 for a week's vacation in Georgia and a 4 day vacation in Phoenix... maybe it's not that bad, I guess. And it's all for a good cause. Too bad they never told me about this trip last year...

Oh, but the really cool thing is that I'm watching Beyond the Clouds!!!! I guess I shouldn't really by writing right now, because I'm literally half way through the movie and I should be paying more attention to it because it's really as cool as I thought it would be! If you haven't heard of it, it's the latest work from Makoto Shinkai, who created (completely on his own) a really cool short film called Hoshi no Koe - Voices of a Distant Star. Beyond the Clouds, however, is his first full length work. Anyway, I want to get back to the movie...

I guess I was wrong about who I thought she liked liked. So who's Eric? Um... well, to be honest, I'm not really sure that I care. She's just a friend, right? Yeah, just a friend... but becoming a better friend (I even have her screen name!), and that's makes me happy.

Yeah, the year is almost over, and I find myself finally becoming better friends with some of them. There's supposed to be a bonfire this Friday, and they actually told me about it. They invite me along to movies and to the bar after youth group meetings. But, they don't invite me to anything in the middle of the week... In other words, I'm a fifth-wheel kind of guy. Oh well, even the fifth wheel spins with the rest of the vehicle.

Yes, the end of the year is almost here, and it's coming way, way to fast. In other words, next Sunday is the end. No more Life Nights after that. It stops just in time for me to be shipped off to Brampton. Did I mention that? I'm going to be shipped off the Brampton, Ontario for 3 days a week starting the week of May 9. If the group decides to start Wednesday bible study back up, I won't be able to make it anymore. It also means that everyone will be less likely to call me, because they are just going to assume that I'm out of town on any given day (which is probably why I they never started including me in the group in the first place, because I was always on 2nd shift back at the beginning of the year... although it might just be because I'm old... 5 years older than any of the rest of them). At least I should still be able to make it for 5:30 Sunday masses.

Oh yeah... That reminds me: our associate pastor is getting his own parish downriver somewhere. Too bad, I really liked Father Jim. I mean, it's good for him, I think, but a bummer for us. In the mean time, our pastor is trying to find a new associate... If we don't get one, he'll be absolutely swamped; the two of them are swamped right now. Sadly, there has been a number of priest who died in the area in the past three weeks, and it is making the overall shortage of priests more evident. However, this does not make me feel compelled to do anything toward addressing that shortage too quickly... This, along with not being so down, is probably a good sign of balanced thinking. Balance is good...

Also, ever since last Wednesday (standing in the church narthex), I've been praying the rosary at least once a day, which makes today 5 days in a row. Our topic for tonight's Life Night was Mary, and so we ended by praying the rosary (which was actually the second time for me, today); someone else lead, but they still looked to me when they weren't sure about some things (particularly - Oh my Jesus...). I'm at the point where I think I know the 4 sets of 5 mysteries. I'm still working on memorizing the ending prayer, Salve Regina (Hail Holy Queen...) and I'll eventually think about doing some of the optional prayers. Why daily? Just because I think it helps. Most of the time I recite it, it's just words pouring out of my mouth, but sometimes it seems to be more powerful and meaningful. Since, for Covecrest, we are each supposed to bring a bible and a rosary, I was actually thinking about buying everyone a rosary... there's only 11 of us, so it cost me... about $165 for decent looking wooden ones? hmm... I'll think about it.

An interesting study done by some British psychiatrist was reported on CNN...

Email evidently causes a 10-point drop in IQ, more than double the drop caused by marijuana (4 points) and equal to missing a whole night's sleep.

So let's see... constantly reading emails and never sleeping... 10+10... that must drop me by 30 IQ points! Wait, can someone add that up for me?

Ok, my utter uselessness at planning a bachelor party for my brother is complete. The original plans (golf in the morning, baseball game downtown, pool and shuffleboard at Dave & Busters in the evening) got dashed by an April snowstorm. So, they (my soon-to-be-sister-in-law's brother and my brother's best friend, who really did all the planning, even though I am supposedly the "best man") decided to just meet at Big Boy's in Troy at 10am (I woke up at 10 and had to meet them downtown), go down to Hockeytown Cafe downtown for lunch, wait to make sure the game was cancelled (if it wasn't we would still go, but it was definitely cancelled), go to the Greektown for an hour or two (I lost $80 on the roulette table, but someone else won $80 on slots; I think, as a group, we broke even), go to someone's house and play Texas Hold'em (they wanted to use my house, but I told them it was a complete mess and unfit for human habitation - not a lie, so his best friend anted up his condo instead), watch the NFL draft (which just about put me to sleep - I was the only guy there who didn't give a rat's @$$ about the draft), then finally go to Dave & Busters, played some pool (I sucked) and some shuffleboard (I did okay) and shot some people (Silent Scope and Ghost Squad - I did much worse than usual).

So... I think most people had fun. My brother had fun, and I guess that was the most important thing.

I was just kinda coasting through the whole thing. Personally, I think that when I get married, I'm going to try to skip this part of "the ritual" entirely. The thought of my bachelor party just doesn't sound all that appealling. Some people like to go to strip clubs; I think they're just a waste of money. Some people like to go bar hopping; I think they're just a waste of air and space. Otherwise, it's kinda nice to just hang out with all guys, but... I don't know, something about the whole bachelor party concept just lacks appeal. Maybe it's the lack of female friends. Why not just have a non-gender-exclusive pre-party? Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, today was not so bad. I didn't feel so... mentally impared. I could actually do things I didn't want to do (that's a good sign, somehow). It also became evident that my brother's future brother-in-law and his best friend decided to completely cut me out of the loop for changes of plans for his bachelor party (which is tomorrow), and that also makes me happy.

Best of all, I got an email (a private one, not the mass email we normally do) that said, quite simply, "Hehehe You're funny" and somehow that brightened up my day. Of course my thread of responses was another feeble attempt to be funny (I really don't think I am) but I just sent a serious "Thank you" email. I figure the feeble attempt to be funny will be better received. My self-confidence is inspiring, isn't it?

My boss updated the schedule today. Starting in May, I will be spending Wednesday-Friday of every week out in Brampton, Ontario. Although the Life Nights will be officially done and over with by that point, I think the core group had intended on continuing to do bible studies. So, if they continue those every Wednesday, I'll miss out all summer. Also, by the time my post out in Brampton is done, They will probably be shipping me out to Belvidere, Illinous. In other words, I'm just about done...

But, all this time, my attitude has been going down. I have been feeling like I should just be giving up... giving up on that girl liking me or giving up on that path becoming a living reality... but today it felt like I shouldn't be thinking of things that way. Consider it a delay, consider it just a friendship, consider it anything else. But I just have to remember that I don't want to push myself down, and I don't have to push myself down. Instead, smile and remember what it was like to be happy.

However, this in no way changes the fact that I really want nothing to do with my brother's soon-to-be inlaws right now... they (her brother in particular) really get on my nerves. I left my phone at Mom's house last night, and I'm kind of glad I did. Today was one day in which I didn't want to talk to anyone or email anyone.

So floating? No, but I think I'm okay breathing down here.

Well, today was the 3rd week (or was it the 4th?) in a row that we've cancelled... I'm kind of bummed. No, I'm really bummed. I don't exactly know what I was expecting out of tonight, just that I was hoping to learn something new.

Anyway, the email chain actually had a bunch of people ready to come, unlike past weeks which died from lack of participation. The only question was where could we meet? The church is usually packed with middle schoolers on a Wednesday night, but I suggested the kitchen, which has a table that could seat about 8 people, and nobody ever signs out the kitchen. Well, I found out much later that the entire middle school ministry was in the actual nave of the church, so the entire rest of the building was empty. We could have met anywhere in there. If we believed, we would have been provided for.

The other concern was that no one has read the book that we've been following... so what? We surely would have found something to talk about. So how about that new pope? Even if we just went around and turned to random passages of the bible. If we believed, we would have been provided for.

I feel like writing them an email, reminding them of Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst." If He actually came in our midst, don't you think he'd guide our conversation? If we believed, we would have been provided for.

But really, I just didn't want to be alone tonight. I stood out in the narthex and prayed the rosary while listening to the speaker who was talking about relationships to the middle schoolers. So, I was provided for in a different way. I was simply reminded that, though I should continue to seek out my friends, I won't always be able to turn to my friends by physically meeting with them; however, there will always be one friend to whom I can turn no matter what or where or when.

So, I'm not sure if I'll send them all an email... I feel too preachy to do it.

After the LifeNight, despite being desperately tired, I went to see a movie with the gang... It was between Millions and Fever Pitch, but since some of the group were late (one girl had some secret conversation with Mama P in the ladies room) and Fever Pitch started later, we ended up watching Fever Pitch. Cute movie.

Anyway, I should say that things seem a little better, in my head. I'm just not worried about anything at the moment. I think I accepted that God would take care of me. Easy to say, but usually hard to believe. Right now, however, in this particular situation, I think it's easy to trust him. At least for now. We'll see about tomorrow.

The LifeNight tonight was about vocations. Our pastor, a seminarian, and two nuns got up and talked about how they found themselves called to religous orders. I think that idea has worked itself out of my system, however.

Covecrest is coming! On June 19-25, I and the new youth minister will be chaperone-ing 9 teens at a week-long camp in Tiger, Georgia. This camp is supposed to be hosting 150 teens from all around the country, and features some famous mud pit or something, along with opportunities to go whitewater rafting and other stuff. I should be really excited... but I haven't really gotten that itch yet. It doesn't help that I'm supposed to drive a van for the 13 hour trip to get there and back... And then, as soon as I get back in town, the next morning I have to catch a flight to Arizona for the LifeTeen core (adult) training...

But, let's back up a moment and look at the past week. The entire last week was dedicated to preparing Saturday's show. Meeting on Monday. An unrelated mass one Tuesday. Rehersal on Wednesday. Also, I stayed up all night Wednesday to watch some movies, basically because I was afraid to sleep. New script writing on Thursday. Rehersal on Friday. Then I stayed up all night Friday to prepare all of the silent auction programs for the show. Saturday morning - final touchs on the auction (a bunch of items I didn't know about until that morning). Saturday afternoon - setup. Saturday evening - the show (which went remarkably well). Saturday night - I slept (unmedicated) for 2.5 hours. Sunday morning and afternoon - work. Sunday night, mass and LifeNight. Sunday late night - movie. First noticable symptoms of depression were Wednesday afternoon, and continue until now.

Okay, about the show. The show was supposed to show a variety of our LifeNights and how our Core Team operates. Sometime during the week, the decision was made that I would play: someone who becomes the body of Christ (by eating the eucharist), Christ himself (defeating Satan), and a wise know-it-all who entirely does not fit into a pirate skit. In that pirate skit, all the rest of the Core play pirates and wenches while I sit apart from them as a normal person, and one of the pirates (a girl whom I seem to have talked about a lot, lately) keeps looking back at me to pick up clues about what they should be doing. Gotta love Mama P... I asked her if she had ulterior motives in casting and script writing... because, basically, I play Jesus or a priest the entire way through the night (reinforcing some comment she made about how maybe I should be a priest), but, in the pirate skit, she has the girl (who she knows that I like) keep looking in my direction... She claims that she didn't realize it or even think about it, but her subconscious may have been at work. Crazy nut.

By the way, if you're wondering why I'm still up at 2am... it's really because I plan to stay up until it's early enough to make a phone call, call my boss, leave a message that I'm sick (I think it's something I ate), and then sleep the rest of the day away.

Im having trouble, figuring out what to think. Didnt I
tell myself, no more one-sided relationships? Yet
now,with each passing moment, I get more irritated,
more unnerved. Reality, at least my perception of it,
is setting in, and it hurts. There dont seem to be any
more big projects to distract me like the show did,
either. Just my life. There has got to be a better way
to handle this.

so, last night, it finally made sense. I knew she
liked someone else, I just never realized that he was
someone I knew, that it was all entirely shown right
before my very eyes for months... Yeah... So... I
guess I really knew all along. Not that that means Im
going to act any differently... Acting like I do is
just part of what makes me me.

the show went great, but today i have to work. My
laptop is still locked up at church anyway. I didnt
sleep friday, and only got 3 hours of unmedicated
sleep. Yes, no seroquel last might, because, at 1230
when i got home, i knew it would knock me out big
time. I think I finally understood a few things last
night... I will have to write about it later
though.... Need coffee...

Another day of rehersal for the Saturday show, but this time ended up being a 4 hour brain storming sesssion for a completely pointless (but sometimes funny) skit. I get to play a non-participant in a pirate skit. All of us core members are nuts...

But, besides that, I'm also still in bad sorts and extremely tired, though I seem to be acting "normal". I was planning on pulling one of them aside this evening, but the two I felt like talking to didn't show up today. Maybe tomorrow...

I finally watched Shark's Tale and now I'm watching The Incredibles. But it's 4am. Why am I awake?

I should say, I'm not sure... but I can't.

I'm not doing anything productive. I could be working on the auction stuff for Saturday. I could be cleaning up. But no... I stayed up all night so I can play Zelda on the Gameboy, watch animated movies because all the other ones seem boring. Pay a few bills, print out my tax form, do a load of laundry... Lots of blah.

I'm not sure? No, I think I know.

I'm down. Why, though?

It's almost like something is missing now. And it doesn't feel like just another dip. It's almost like... like I've given up on something. I've lost something. It's almost like... Well, I don't know.

Just another depression. I should just ignore what ever depressing thoughts I get right now, but what's the likelihood of that? Some people would say to just keep smiling, but with years of experience, I know that's not always the best either.
Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to God.

Besides, it'll probably pass before the weekend...

What an amazing movie... I'm glad I'm bipolar, not schizophrenic. I do enough damage with my delusions of grandeur... what if that were coupled along with full delusions and hallucinations and fear of plots against me? No, I'll settle for bp...

The new psychiatrist is an older gentlemen.

He asked the general questions, why are you here? what made you start seeing a psychiatrist? what do you do? what hobbies do you have? what family do you have?

For some reason, most of the discussion talked about my manias, because I went in during a mania. But I really don't think I went into much.

Oh, but he did ask (without any particular queueing)...
P- "So, you're a perfectionist?"
Me- "Well, kinda."
P- "Why? Who expects you to be perfect?"
Me- "No one..."
...after some more bantering...
Me- "Well, I'm not really a perfectionist. People think that I am, but I'm really not... I just think that if you're going to do something you care about, you should at least do the best job that you can. Flaws are still there... other people may not see them, but I do."

I need a new lithium test, and it has to be taken in the morning (afternoon tests seem to be inconsistent). He told me I can back off on my Seroquel... 600mg is excessive. Take 200 or 400mg, that should be fine... "or"?

Anyway, he seems okay. We'll see, I guess. At least it's covered by insurance.

So, we (two other core members and I) were at church the other day, walking across the parking lot, talking about women's fashion. He's 6'4". She's 5'3". I'm 5'8".


She - "These are new pants... they're too long, though."
He - said something... "... yeah, women's sizes are all weird."
She - "That's because they expect all women to be 6'1" and 12 pounds."
Me - "Well, that's what we expect from you, , but we're obviously not going to get there."
She (after the shock wore off) - "That's so mean! Incredibly funny, but mean!"

She later told me that she told her boss (who I went to high school with) what I said, and now she's mad at me.

So, defensive maneuver #1 was distance, where I typically use a camera or some other sort of gimmick to make sure I don't need to be directly involved or need to come face to face with anyone. Once I know the people that I'm around, Defensive maneuver #2 seems to be humor... intentionally using seriously beligerent character bashing and making light of it all, either so that my real feelings won't get exposed (as in this case) or so that I push attention away from me and onto whoever I'm making fun of (which is what I did senior year in college). I'm guessing I learned that by being bullied through elementary school.

It doesn't help that some of them, last Friday, told me I was really funny. I'm one of those people who can't take a compliment... they go straight to my head and start creating delusions of grandeur... now I feel like I have to try to be funny...

So wonder why they told me I'm funny? Well, in this huge thread of emails floating around last week, one woman started arguing that certain words should never be used in the same sentence when talking to a female - "big" and "rear" for example. Another example (which is actually what started it) was "I'd hate to burst someone's bubble but..." (get it? someone's bubble butt!). Some people made various attempts at using those two words as many times in a sentence as possible, but I (after learning about a mass Friday night) sent out a message saying "Do you think you could get there early and reserve us a nice big section in the rear of the church? Thanks!" And later, I added "We should say that [she] is a huge asset to the team and is great to have around but crazy and fun at the same time." I thought these were mildly humorous replies, but evidently others literally fell out of their chair laughing about this. Then I got a called a Hoover, which evidently means I'm a suck up... I always thought being called a vacuum just meant that you suck. *shrug*

posted by JT  # 11:04:00 PM 0 comments

So, late last night, after an evening full of discussions on our upcoming dinner/theater/banquet (where my computer worked just fine, I might add), I got home, started up my laptop again, and blue screened. I rebooted, and blue screened. I propped up my computer (just in case it was processor overheating issue), and it got to the login, I logged in, and blue screened.

Sigh.... time to try repairing windows, I guess. Hopefully it will work as well as it did last time.

This is one of my favorite anime movies of all time, and finally I have it on DVD. Well, I guess I had it on DVD, but this time it's the legit US release. Considering it was Studio Ghibli's first movie (I think), it was amazing that it took so long to get it over here.

Nausicaa is a young princess from a peaceful kingdom called the Valley of the Winds, located on an earth where the planet is dominated by the Sea of Decay, a jungle of poisonous miasma and insects (the most powerful of which are the Ohmu) which in protect it in blind rages. Nausicaa is an expert flier on this powered windglider, and an instintctive handler of the forest. But the Valley of the Wind gets disrupted when an Tolmekian airship crashes, leaving behind a gigantic egg, the cocoon of a pre-war weapon, a bio-engineered giant warrior that helped to destroy the world. The cocoon had been stolen by the Tolmekians from Pejite, planning to use it to destroy the Sea of Decay. The Pejite plan on retaliating by luring a swarm of Ohmu into the Valley. The peaceful Valley of the Wind becomes the battle ground of between the other two nations, so Nausicaa has to learn the true nature of the forest to return peace to the world.

So, yeah, she has this really cool powered glider, which really puts the Green Goblin's glider to shame. Back when I was young (you know, like 10 minutes ago), I really wanted one of those. Last year, there were rumors of a group called Opensky trying to build a real one. I'm sure there's some work to do before it becomes realistic. Alas...

But, like all manga-based anime, the manga was better.

I finally got around to watching this movie, which has been sitting in my DVD player for months now. It's one of those "what would you do?" movies, but chances are you know that because you've probably seen it already. After all, everyone else has (except me, until now).

Anyway, what would I do if I got that phone call? Honestly, I'd be so afraid of being duped by some con artist that I'd hang up quickly.

And what would I do if I had been kidnapped and stuck in an attic with a smashed phone? Yeah, I'd play with the remains of the phone, but I really don't think that tapping phone wires would actually end up connecting you to a real line, unless the line was connected for a pulse dialing (like classic rotary phones), but that would have left a different dial tone, so it wouldn't work with that phone. I think you'd be better off getting the receiver working and trying to hum the digits of a phone number, like the way old modems and auto-phone dialers worked.

And what would I do if I were those kidnappers? Well, I would have just unplugged the phone instead of smashing it with a hammer. Or I would have disconnected it back at the phone box (after all, that house was wired for 4 phone lines; there must have been a central phone box).

And if you were killing people execution-style, wouldn't you do it 2am in some tucked away parking lot in the middle of nowhere?

April 7. Exactly 1 month until my brother's wedding. So, after their appointment to talk to the photographer, I took them out to dinner. And after dinner I prayed over them, thanked God that they were brought together, and prayed for them, for the next 30 days, for their wedding, for the rest of their lives. I figured they needed to take time out of their lives to pray, because with all their frantic preparations (in which they've been driving everyone else crazy) they probably forget to stop and pray once in a while.

Okay, so I bought a bunch of new CDs lately. Since I had so many to listen to, I was just popping them into my CD changer in my car, skipping to the songs I know, and moving onto the next CD. Except today, on the car ride home, it jams. This is the second time this stupid thing has done it, and there's nothing to do but to bring it to the dealership and I might get my CDs back in a month... #%$&^

Oops, didn't I stop swearing?

So, I looked at my BlogRoll and decided to dump half the list. There were on my BlogRoll some that I think I added because once (usually just once) someone had linked from their site to mine (probably through BlogSnob, but sometimes through Blogger). Many of them (ie the ones that I kept) were ones that I actually like reading. So if you're still there, consider that as a complement.

So I went out to dinner with my sister, to our 2nd favorite Thai place (since our favorite is still closed). She asked me how I've been...
Me- "I've been good. But, you know, I've been thinking..." and I made a gesture around the front of my neck.
E- "Jay... again?" with some concern.
Me- "Yeah. Something about it just seems right sometimes, but I'm not ready yet."
E- "So... have you talked to Ely about it yet?" Ely? My psychiatrist? What does she have to do with it?
Me- "Umm... What do you think I'm talking about?"
E- "Suicide..."
Me- "I'm talking about a collar." She proceeds to hit me for the next 2 minutes because I made her worry so much.

Anyway, somehow the gravity of her concern about me committing suicide matched the concern that I thought she'd have of me pulling a crazy stunt like quitting a good paying job to become a priest.

So there, I've said it. I'm still thinking about it, and the more I think, the less of a bad idea it sounds. Of course, I'm still concerned that the whole thing is nothing but a manic-driven thought spiral or delusion of grandeur or whatever. And, of course, I still fancy the thought that there's a woman out there for me (perhaps one already close to me, if that's what God wills... of course, my attraction to her could also be a manic-driven thought spiral) So, I'm still lost and confused, but still willing to follow; perhaps with a willing spirit, but definitely with a weak body and mind.

Terms:
Manic-driven thought spiral - my term for an idea that is introduced into my head during a mania that seems to get caught (in what used to be a whirlwind) in my thoughts and just gets amplified over and over again over time. This seems to result in obsessive behavior over prolonged periods, and most of it is kept in check either by me picking apart my thoughts logically or by an excessively counter-balanced negative thought spiral (see below).

Counter-balanced negative thought spiral - my term for what seemed to be, for a while, an instinctive reaction to the recognition of my manic behavior, in which I would instantly latch on to a negative thought (often about how out of control I was, about how stupid I was to be duped by my own thoughts, or some similar vein) and send me spiralling down quickly, dumping me into an near-instant, but thankfully short lived, depressive mood. This happened often, while I was still getting up to therapeutic dosages of medication, but has not happened recently.

Manic-driven delusion of grandeur - my term (with obvious ties to Star Wars) for what is, in some symptoms lists, medically termed as "Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers".

Anyway, the fact that I had to put a glossary on one of my blog posts just really cracks me up.

I don't know why, but I really like this email that I sent today. It was a response to one of the core members asking if she could take a week off bible study (which she normally leads) because she got invited to sit in the suites at the Piston's game this Wednesday.

> Suite tickets to the Piston's game? You're ditching
> us for THAT??!?
>
> What are you thinking? You should go to the game!
> Well, unless, of course, you really don't like
> watching basketball or really can't stand whoever
> invited you or some reason like that where you are
> really really desperate for some excuse not to go to
> that miserable little place they call "the Palace" and
> really don't want to get pampered in those awful seats
> up in the suite and you want to use us as that excuse.
> After all, we really love being that kind of excuse.
>
> Don't worry about us, we'll be fine! ;) Have fun at
> the game!

So, she's going to the game. Yeah, I don't know why I really like that email. Maybe it just highlights how odd my sense of humor is. Or maybe it's just who I sent it to. Le sigh...

Today was Divine Mercy Sunday, the second Sunday of Easter. It was proscribed by Pope John Paul II several years ago as a day to grant a plenary indulgance as long as we followed certain requirements. Not quite so stupid looking as Dogma tries to play it, though; one requirement that the faith must be in a spirit completely detached from the affection of any sin, even venial, and I think I witnessed several people who were quite clearly not in such a state.

Sadly, I didn't find out about JP2's passing until this afternoon when I grabbed the newspaper before heading out to church. While I had some disagreements with my understanding of his policies, he seemed an overall wonderful person. The few people I know that actually have met him refer to him as "a living saint" or as "one of the top 10 holiest people to have walked this earth" (which I actually find difficult to fathom) or with similiar compliments. I do think the time will be short until the next pope beatifies him (ie declares him a saint). His devotion to the youth of the Catholic church, to the importance of the Eucharist, and to our blessed virgin mother Mary have greatly changed the Catholic church. I actually was kind of hoping that he might be able to live long enough to reach the day that he himself had dedicted, but God obviously wanted him sooner. He will be greatly missed.

Anyway, the mass was at 3, and confessions were supposed to start at 1, so I was going to leave home at 1 to get there at about 1:30, but naturally I forgot about the time change and didn't know it until 1:30 (which I thought was 12:30), so I didn't get there until 2, and the line for Fr Jim was about 30 people long.

But I waited and waited, and I had 14 people left in front of me, and then Fr Jim had to leave to say the Mass of the Divine Mercy at 3, which lasted until 5. Seeing as I had not yet confessed, I (and several others) decided to not take communion). Then he resumed doing confessions, and eventually I got in there. I chose to sit face to face with him and told him of the evil I had done (most heresies, blasphemies, and sacrileges during my depressions), so I was absolved and afterward took communion from the tabernacle. With that, and the various prayers and intentions that we committed to during the mass, I think that the indulgance was granted to me. In theory, that means that God's grace has not only lifted from me my sins, but has healed me of the wounds those sins have caused. "Merciful Jesus, I trust in you."

Interesting side note: I think I crossed myself "In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit" more times today than I did my entire college period.

Then, getting out of that around 6:30, I went over to the old church where the teens were preparing our "Surprise" LifeNite, which was supposed to be the teens' opportunity to run a LifeNight while us core members (adults) just sat back and watched, which was to start at 6:45. I let myself in and almost made it past the lobby before they caught me and kicked me out. By that time some of the other adults started showing up, and so we just played frisbee and four-square until they let us in.

The night was indeed a suprise, as they threw a banquet for us, where we were supposed to lift a finger. They catered to all our needs and waited on us, hand and foot. Then they came up on stage and, core member by core member, had 1-2 teens thanking us for all the work we do. A couple of girls got up there for me and talked about how they always want to laugh when they see me, about how welcoming I always am, and how much I make people want to have fun. Listening to it, I wondered about how I could possibly be the person they described, but they really did his the nail on the head, because all those things, I really always try to do. I love those kids...

Oh, yeah, then they asked me if I ever hooked up with that girl from Rainbow! I could hardly breath from laughing so hard. I really love those kids...

Then later I tried to help clean up, and I had a tug-of-war match with two teens (one of them bigger than me and one smaller) over a dishrag as I was trying to get one to wipe off the tables. I actually pulled them about 10 feet away before the finally got me down on the ground where I couldn't do anything any more. So instead us adults just sat around and talked. It seems that one of the adults (the patient of me "the doctor) is still having stomach problems which they don't know what's going on, though she's now going through waves of nausea. Hope she gets better soon... I worry about her.

Then finally, at 11 or so, we were going to do something, but all the people we were going ot hang out with dropped out, so three of us ended up going to one guys house and we hung out on his front porch and talked, and then went in to play some wierd gin rummy variation, which was fun. At 1-ish, we decided that enough was enough.

So tomorrow (this morning), I go to robot training, and I'll be lucky if I have an hour's sleep before then...

But in the mean time, thank God for everything and everyone and everywhere and everywhen...

So, during my review yesterday, I asked my boss what I would need to do to start taking on project-level responsibilities in my job. Sure, I have 3 years less experience than the next more senior person in my group, but I think I need more to keep my interest in the job.

So, congradulations JT, you've now been assigned as the back-up person for the Belvidere project! Start with robot training on Monday, and go from there.

Heh... I guess I should have asked for an in-town project. Oh well, Illinois should be interesting. It's only an hour from Chicago or from Milwaukee, so maybe there's a good hotel somewhere halfway that's still near Chicago's train system. Oh, but wait, if I'm reading the schedule right, that'll be an 1 hour 45 minute train ride! Well, long enough to take a good nap before returning to work, perhaps.

This will probably affect how much time I can give to the church next year, however. That will be unfortunate, but I'm sure they'll do okay without me. I guess the true question is how well I can do without them.

Hey, check out this awesome new product at ThinkGeek, called SkyTag. They coupled a green laser (visible in dark skys for about 9000 feet) with a couple of tracking servos and a control system that will download flight data from nearby airports, via your computer's internet connection. So what does that give you? Laser tracking for commercial flights, in your very own back yard! I think I'm going to buy one... I'm sure Selfridge Air Force Base will appreciate my efforts to safely pinpoint their jet aircraft!