The Bipolar Otaku

Mama P, as her going away present to me, gave me a book called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, which I just finished reading last night.

The book tries to describe what men are called to be. While I admittedly was turned off by the first chapter, as he talks about nature adventures and mountain climbing and idolizing the heroes of Braveheart or Gladiator (thinking "oh great, another men should be these big, atheletic, burly 'men' book"), it actually turned out to address what I was really looking for.

No, he talks about the mission he gave Adam, to take the earth and explore it, cultivate it, and care for it. He talks about how society has feminized boys and men, trying to tame them so they are no longer dangerous or adventurous. He talks about how we need to stand up and fight for ourselves and for everything that is right, how turning the other cheek is really meaningless if you don't know you have the power to stand up against your adversary. He talks about how we have each been wounded at some level while growing up, often by our fathers, forced to doubt ourselves for the rest of our lives because of our childhood. He talks about how we constantly search for validation of our manhood, often pressing our girlfriends or wives to give us this validation, which they really can't give us. He talks about how we create masks, false selfs, that we hide behind and try to use as our "man" image. He talks about how God names us, validates us, if we only listen. He talks about how God will heal our wounds, but that it may hurt because it He will do it by attacking where we are wounded. He talks about the need to constantly battle Satan, who pollutes our thoughts, demeans us, tears us apart from our relationships and apart from God. He talks about how the women we pursue want to be pursued, to know that they are beautiful, worth fighting for, that they want to be brought on an adventure with us. So he doesn't talk about men being some chest-beating ape, but a warrior of God.

As for how this fits in my life... Most of it isn't any new concept or anything, but reading it as he's presented just seems to make a little more sense. I've been working on healing my wound for some time, I think, and much of those wounds have found their way into blog entries over the past two years.

But where I've been struggling lately is the need for validation. I've been starving for compliments from my friends... they can tell me how strong I am in my faith or what a great job I do or what a role model I am, but it's never enough. It's kind of funny, just before I read this book, I was remembering a blog entry written by my friend Gnarf a couple of years ago, as a response to reading my blog. At the time, I thought she completely misunderstood what I was saying... but know I think she hit it on the head.

And here, we are at the point, where Dreistul asked in his blog, why do Manic Depressives want to get attention? Are they different from others? Everyone wants help, wants attention. Help in form of attention. Confirmation. Confirmation, that they are worth of something. It can be the looks, something they did right or something they said. The only difference between a Manic Depressive getting attention and a "normal" person is, that Manic Depressives are asking the world to help them. They can't speak it out loud. They can't say "Please give me the confirmation, I need."
And so, they keep on hoping that people will see it themselves.

And it seems like the search for validation has been a reason I have always felt like I intimidate and scare off the women I pursue. I don't offer them a real relationship, but really I ask them to be a crutch for me to lean on. I seek to use them to support me, without ever knowing what I can offer in return. I know I need to change... this book gives me an idea how change might be possible.

I can say that I know that I have always been a good man. One of these days, I will understand that. One of these days, I will believe it.

I started reading the bible again. The last time I started to read it, it was the with the intent of finding contradictions and falsities and scientific explanations and such. This time, I'm doing it to believe.

But I came to a passage, and it kind of bugs me... it hits a little too close to home.

And someone came to Him and said, "Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?" And He said to him, "Why are you asking Me about what is good? There is only One who is good; but if you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments." Then he *said to Him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER; YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY; YOU SHALL NOT STEAL; YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS; HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER; and YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." The young man *said to Him, "All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?" Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. "Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
(Mat 19:16-24)

Ok, I really should consider the next two verses also, as they are very relevant to the matter.

When the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, "Then who can be saved?" And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
(Mat 19:25-26)

But still... Oh, me of little faith...

That's right, I actually own this house. Neighbors actually expect me to take care of it!

Luckily, the kid across the street, who cut it all last year, has continued in that role, but for some reason he wasn't sure he was supposed to, so had only cut it every 3 weeks or so... So I went over to talk to his parents and asked them to pass the word on that I did want him doing it and that he should be cutting it weekly.

Then my neighbor told asked me if I had figured out how to set the sprinklers yet, which led him to show me how to remove and replace a broken sprinkler head. Then he told me that I better fertalize it (mine is yellowish green compared to everyone's deep green, plus it has dandelions galore!), so he gave me the number for the service he uses.

And I looked at my deck, which is in serious need of re-staining, which means I need to strip it, which I really didn't have any luck doing last year. When I'll get a chance to try it again, I'm not sure...

Maybe I should have just bought a condo...

I was driving home, thinking of all the things I need to do to clean up my act, to get my life back into shape. I happened to be driving a golf course at the time. At that moment, it occured to me, there's the problem! Like when I go golfing, I stand there over the ball with my club in my hands, thinking "Okay, last time I toed it, so I have to... keep my head down. keep my eyes on the ball. are my feet the right spacing? Am I too far from the ball?" etc... And then I swing and miss. And swing again and miss again... then I just get frustrated, swing at it harder, watch it drop off the tee and roll 10 inches and start complaining about how stupid the game is. And at that moment, it really felt like I do the exact same thing in real life. Except I don't get to pick up the ball and play from my partner's lie. No, I go back to readying my next shot, thinking of all these little tips that people tell me or I figure out myself, but they never produce acutal results.

What do I do then? Get golf lessons, of course. Forget everything you know about swinging the club, and try to start over with the fundementals. But, where's the pro shop and who are the pros? Are there fundementals?

I was at the hotel bar's happy hour the other night, having a drink with a couple of guys on the project I'm on. One of them was drinking his beer, then poured some on his hand, drank some more beer, poured a bit more on his hand... did this about 5 times before we asked him what he was doing... He said "Getting my date drunk!"

Next time I get a brilliant idea like this, I have to
bring a power cord with me...

Since my 2-night trip got cut down to a 1-night trip
(in order to accomodate my 4-night 12-hour shift I'll
be working on Memorial Day weekend [which also
represents the first time in 8 years that I didn't go
to either New York or Kentucky] which I'm working in
order to earn another vacation day which I'll need for
my trip to Phoenix at the end of June), I decided to
pack lightly. So for the first time since I bought my
super-expensive laptop, I left it at home. Instead,
I'm connected using my PDA. Unfortunately, Blogger
doesn't work on my PDA, so I have to blog via email.
Oh well, at least I'm not lugging my 40lb laptop
backpack around...

I've been praying the rosary at least once a day for a while... 35 days in a row to be exact. I've always found time to do it. But last night (Tuesday), I nearly missed. So nearly missed that I actually said my final amen right on the stroke of midnight. I'm sure that my little tiff helped get me lost. Thanks to grace, I can still be found. Because it was Tuesday, I did the Sorrowful Mysteries, and it felt like a slap-in-the-face reminder what sorrow really is, not the piddleshit that goes in my life.

But, it still seems worth doing it. I still think that my requests have been heard and that many of them have been answered. I still know that I won't be stopping this habit any time soon.

Okay, well, the night was starting out pretty well. Since P asked K to help at the teen bible study tonight, I took the night off to go visit the newlyweds, who got back from Hawaii yesterday. But, when I was talking with P this afternoon, she asked if I could drop by afterward, not for any real reason or anything, just because. P and I have always felt connected because at the beginning of the year, we both felt like outcasts on the Core... everyone else kind of just fit together really well and we stood back and wondered why we were there.

Anyway, I went to my brother's house. So, I had dinner with them and her parents and we looked at all of their digital pictures and movies. They gave me a pineapple, a Hawaiian shirt (my first and only - surprising for a guy nicknamed "Maui"), and a half pound of freshly roasted Kona coffee - really good stuff. Life is good.

But afterward, I decided to head over to the church and see if they were still there. They looked like they were still discussing things, so I decided not to interrupt, but instead just hung out outside. Not soon after, they came out and I talked to the teens for a bit. Not only was P and K there, but so was C and E and I guess D was there earlier! 4 teens, 5 Core members... considering the fact that when I was talking with P earlier, we both agreed that any more than 2 Core members for the teen bible study is an overkill, this just seemed like a way way overkill. I guess K just decided to invite everyone else. Whatever. I guess it went pretty well, so that's fine.

Since I was talking to the teens, I barely managed to give C a hug, say hi to E, and wave to K. I heard K ask E "Do you want to go to ___ for coffee?" and the three of them split. This is just a few hours after I offered to record the season finale of House for her (since she was going to be at the teen bible study and not watching it). Well, at least P was happy to see me. After all, I was going there to see her in particular.

I shouldn't be upset. I really have no grounds to be upset. That being said, I am really upset.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-8a

I'm not sure what I feel... or I should say, felt. But clearly, it was not love.

Wonderful... the last thing I need right now are shards of hatred entering my life. I'm happy to be leaving tomorrow. I think it's time to unplug for a while. I think it's time to escape for a while. I think... no. no, that's not thinking. just stop. let it go. please just let it go.

Life is not so good. I need to talk to someone... Mama P. I'll call her tomorrow.

Well, this evening was our first real bible study in a long long time. It was interesting... K, who lead us, started by reminding us that we are one body in Christ and wanted us to think about the passages we read specifically would relate to us as a Core group, and the three of us that were there at the time were reminiscing about the beginning of the year, before we knew each other. Ironically, the first two passages, as I interpretted them, related to my weaknesses at the beginning of the year, particularly how I sought to help out primarily in the youth program because I needed to strengthen my own faith... the selfish reasoning that the youth minister saw in me and which came pretty close to getting me kicked out. We moved away from that (thankfully!), and I think we all learned a lot. And we all kind of came to the conclusions, which always sounds obvious, but sometimes is hard to remember, that we should be tolerant of each other despite our differences and we should keep a close eye on each other so that we can help when help is needed. Yeah, it sounds really simple, but let's see us perform...

Somewhere in the midst of that, I admitted that my cry for help had been the call for us to do bible studies again... It just always felt like something I needed... there I go again, with selfish intents. Thankfully, once in a while my selfishness lines up with the will of God. Not that it excuses my thought patterns, but at least it's not quite so bad.

Oh yeah, now I remember something hilarious about yesterday. I was at GameStop looking at buying X-Men Legends (which I bought, of course, but who knows when I'll actually play it). So there was a kid there with his father. First, I hear the kid trying to convince the guy that the PSP was a good deal. Weak arguement... very poor. The father rebutted that he wasn't so sure it's a good idea considering the kid's previous report card, and that maybe he shoud wait until the final report card. Yay Dad! But the kid seemed sure his grades were improving, so they better jump on this great deal... what a twerp. I think if I tried to pull that arguement on my dad, he would have instantly gotten suspicious and the discussion would be over. Sadly, this argument worked. So they pick out his first game, and they take it to the counter. Sure, they have only two in stock, so they were "lucky". The deal isn't quite as good as they thought, as whatever bonus game that the kid thought came with it was only being given during the kickoff promotion. And then the kid says "Oh. Well it's still not a ripoff. At least we won't be left in the dust in terms of technology."

I wanted to tell him - first, technology leaves no dust trail... never has, never will... one day, it just stops being useful, at which point you move forward. Second, the PSP really offers no amazing, astounding technology that we really can't live without... you want to get technology, buy the kid a PDA. The technology there is infinitely more practical, meaningful, and (if you really understood what you had in your hands) more fun. Probably cheaper, too. But, if you want a game system and are afraid of being "left in the dust", don't waste your money on this piece of trash... wait for the PS3 to come out.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell him, but of course I didn't.

Yup, another Sunday filled from morning to evening with church stuff. A gradtuation breakfast which I had to help coordinate, a graduation mass which I had to hand out gifts to the graduates, lunch with a bunch of the church crowd, an evening mass which I had to serve communion, then hanging out with another bunch of the church crowd for a few hours.

I thought I had a few things to blog, but I can't remember any more. Somewhere in there I took a nap at my mom's house, which is also when I found out I can't use blogger from my PDA. Bummer....

Although K decided to skip mass today, she also decided not to help out St Columban's... She was thinking about spending the summer months helping them out; a lot of us Core members told her that it sounded like she was being called to help them, but we'd hate to lose her, even for the summer. I told her that if she decided to do it and ever needed help or just wanted company, all she'd have to do is call us. But really, it also sounded like she really needed a break like the rest of us, especially since her work has been getting busier and busier. Besides, this is her first summer after graduating from college, in other words, the first summer she doesn't get a summer break/vacation... there's bound to be a system shock sooner or later. But she skipped mass, probably to hang out and confer with her best friend C (probably because M and I told C that K looked depressed this morning, and I gave a list of reasons why I thought she might have been), and then met up with us at D's house afterward. She did look happier than she did this morning, which is good.

Hanging out at D's house was kind of fun. At least this time I didn't feel so awkward about the crowd, like I usually am... maybe because I actually knew most of the people. I can't really think of anything really substantive or meaningful that happened, but it was fun nonetheless.

At one point in the night, some of them tried to explain that they were Generation Y, and that they only missed the Gen X label by a couple years (ie 2000 grad or earlier)... but then I tried to tell them that Gen X stopped with kids in college when I was in high school (ie 1993 grad or earlier), but I think that they were right that Gen Y didn't start until 2000 or so. Which leaves me as what? I actually thought I was Genereation "Next", actually refering to the part of the post-X generation that was acting on the cutting edge of technology... I don't know. Whatever.

I'm not quite ready to write about this, but I really think it might be an interesting topic - the dualities and balances of a bipolar mind. It's just one of those things where I find myself thinking about how I need to keep my life balanced by doing one thing then following through with an equal opposite, or I allow myself to keep dual (and often hypocritical) natures, and finally how I think those dualities and balances are caused either by the bipolar disorder within me or by my conscious misunderstanding of what bipolar disorder is. But I'm not sure what to write about quite yet, so I'll leave the topic open for another day.

Well, someone told me I have to get caught up again on this show. I'm still about 7 episodes behind, but I can already see where it's heading... Cameron and House, huh?

The only other series left on my Tivo is Huff, which I'm still 4 months behind and probably won't watch until I'm done with House. I stopped recording and deleted all episodes of Desperate Housewives, Point Pleasant, and Medium since I really decided they were all worthless and really annoying to watch. However, I think I'm going to watch an ep or two of Grey's Anatomy to see if it's any good.

I guess I'm still glad I bought this Tivo. At first, it actually drove me to watch more TV, but now I'm back down to the 1-2 hours per week that I used to be at... except now I actually have shows I want to watch as opposed to mindlessly flipping through the channels to look for something decent on in order to kill time.

Back in the college days, I used to take an occasional weekend where I had no major responsibilities, and then I'd sleep the entire weekend. This habit started freshman year, when I once said goodbye to my roommate on a Friday evening before he went home for the weekend, took what felt like a 15 minute nap, and woke up just as he was returning Sunday night. I asked him "Did you forget something?" because it felt like a short nap, but really I slept for 48 hours straight. I never really did manage to ever sleep that long again, but instead, when I felt exhausted after continuous busy schedules, I'd just sleep as long as I could, and when I woke up, I'd walk around and then go back to bed for another nap after nap.

Last night, I went to a friend's house. His friend from Canada had brought me some Caffrey's, which apparently is still available in Canada. We had dinner and then watched a couple movies: Rat Race and Kill Bill vol 2, and then the House of Blue Leaves chapter from Kill Bill vol 1. They kept telling me how great Rat Race is, but I think they overhyped it. It was okay... a couple of good lines here and there, but definitely not one that I'd waste time to watch over again.

Anyway, I got home at 3am, slept until noon. Ate lunch (left over thai food, where I accidentally ordered a shrimp dish last night so I had to pick out the shrimp and replace it with fish while reheating it). Then I slept for another 4 hours, which is surprising because it was an unmedicated nap (ie I didn't have to take seroquel) plus there was an airshow going on nearby, so there was a continuous stream of jet planes flying just a couple hundreed feet overhead.

And now I'm still tired! I would go beack to sleep, but I'm planning on meeting my sister for sushi. Maybe I'll go shopping while I wait. Then I'll come back home and go back to sleep (medicated this time). I have to be up tomorrow morning to prepare for a graduation breakfast at church. *yawn*

I find it amazing that I never blogged this story... I just recently got reminded of it, as it this story reminds me of how I might need to have grace if it was ever decided that I need to stop flirting with a certain someone. For the record, how I acted in this story was far from having grace.

A couple of years ago, when my brother and now sister-in-law started seeing each other, my brother had to actually tell me to stop hitting on her. She and I knew each other for a long time, and basically as long as I had known her, I had hit on her, and even while they started dating, I continued on like life was normal. However, we knew that it really upset him, but he would never say anything, so she and I decided that I had to keep doing it until my brother set is foot down and made me stop. This story was the finally straw.

Anyway, I was over at her apartment one day. I left work early and she was nearby, but I found her outside her bathroom, curled up in a ball, obviously in extreme pain. I helped her to the couch, got her some pills, she passed out while I watched cartoons, her feet on my lap and I was petting her cat, who was sitting on her legs.

Then she gets a phone call on her cell, which I answer since it was from my brother. He just got rear-ended in a Farmington, he needs a ride. She's in no condition to drive, but she wants to be there, so I drive and she's in the passenger seat. We pick him up (he's in the back seat, directly behind me) and we start heading someplace for dinner.

He's obviously really upset about his car, concerned about his girlfriend, and reallly wondering about why I'm there at all. So he asks what I was doing over at her place... so I told him how I left work early, how she was curled up with back pains. Then I told him, "Yeah, she fell asleep on the couch. Her feet were on my lap, and I stroked her pussy... cat, I mean." The silence was deafening. I couldn't see him in my rear view mirror, but I knew that I should be expecting the world's hardest punch right about there. She looks back and breaks into laughter.

So, needless to say, I bought dinner. He finally put his foot down. He admitted that it was funny, even though he also admitted he was ready to knock me out right there. I wouldn't have been surprised if he ripped me out of the car and beat me to a pulp out on the street, in fact. But I still think the moment was priceless.

Just remember, this is all Jar Jar's fault!

The movie was 2:30 hours long. I had to go to the bathroom starting at 20 minutes in... But I held it. Definitely worth it. Okay, so I'm glad that I went to see it on openning night.

This was, by far, the best of the prequels. The mecha and creature designs were incredible! The juxtapositions and similarities they built over and over again (between this movie and the originals, between Anakin v Obiwan and Emperor v Yoda, between Anakin and Padme) were amazing! The acting was so-so. Anyway, it was a really good movie, a movie that far surpassed the first two. Of course, the first two just built up things that had to be set-up before they really got to the real story portrayed here. Really really good movie, but not quite enough to redeem the first two.

This movie starts where the series ended, on a bridge of a capital ship in the middle of a big space battle, Emperor on a throne, Skywalker fighting a Sith Lord. Of course, the emperor is really pretending to be a captive, it's Anakin fighting Count Dooku, and Obiwan is knocked out. The Chancellor eventually baits Anakin into telling the Jedi Council that he is the Sith Lord, and then using the attempt to arrest him to show the senate that they have betrayed the Republic (which amazingly enough raises no questions at all, except for two Senators - Padme and Sen Organa). Eventually Anakin finally decides to turn dark... of course, the choice was made for a "good" reason, to save Padme (gotta love Natalie Portman!) from the fate that he thinks awaits her at childbirth. The eventual battle between Anakin and Obiwan kind of relives the battle of Skywalker v Darth Vader in Empire Strikes Back, the two precariously perched on a set of catwalks, but over a lava pit instead of a gas planet. Meanwhile Yoda show off his badass skills by trying to fight the Emperor, but eventually chooses that he can't win and flees. Obi-Wan, however, wins and leaves Anakin for dead near a lake of lava, and takes Padme (who Anakin almost killed because she unknowingly brought along Obi-Wan) and they split up the twins. Leia stays with the Organas, and Luke is taken to a confused step-brother of Anakin's. The emperor rebuilds Darth Vader and tells him that he had killed Padme. In the funeral, Padme is shown as if she were still pregnant at death, to hide the twins. C3PO gets a memory wipe (so he won't talk, obviously) and him and R2 are giving to Captain Antilles. And the so the movie ends with the Tattooine double sunset... And then some 16-20 years later, the Emperor gets destroyed, the republic get restarted, and Luke restarts the academy with absolutely no records saying how the old Jedi used to operate. Well, okay so that last part is not in the story, but still... Chewie even made an appearance (Yoda had lead an attack on Kashyyk), so basically everyone except Han (who couldn't have been anything more than a student at the time, anyway).

Anyway, it was good. Go watch it. Now.

Okay, I'd like to jump right in and talk about the movie, but first, I really want to talk about some things before that.

First, I'm happy to say I get web access from work. While I don't plan to do anything but check my work and home emails from there, it's still really cool to have. How I've managed without it the past couple years, I'm not really sure.

Oh, and when I say, the past couple years, I literally mean 2 years. Today is my 2-year anniversary with the company!

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is that my cell phone receives TXT messages! More specifically, it still receives IM's from AIM! I found this out because K decided to IM me, just as I was leaving the office to head to the cinema (theatre doesn't seem to be the word of choice in these parts...)

So the realization came with "Yay Toronto!" to which I said "boo Brampton..." The convesation somehow got to her suggesting I should go to the theater, even if I'm alone... after all, "there's on one there to recognize you" (and I assume she implied "and think you're a loser") so I admitted, well, yeah I'm heading there anyway to go watch Star Wars at 7:10... she remarked that I was 2 hours early, which I said was because I was expecting big crowds and lots of freaks, but sadly there were no freaks, so I was just going to grab dinner instead, at which point I start complaining about how service around here takes so long, as if everyone thinks a 2 hour dinner is normal... "Not that they have anything better to do. They're Canadians!" she said. So I said it'd be nice if I were with friends, but with work people, meals just drag... Better than starving, we agreed. I said "But tonight is good, since I'm having dinner with a friend... Kinda, anyway." She responded "A work dude?" "Um... I meant you..." The next 3 consecutive messages were all her laughing at (with?) me. I told her "Yeah, this is fun. Maybe we should do this in person! maybe you can eat too, that way!" She continued to laugh at me.

But by that time, she was done with work, so she left, and I finished dinner alone. I am sooo f'ing pathetic, it's ridiculous!

Anyway, on with the show!

Holiday Inn once again... The girl at the reception recognized me, but couldn't call me by name... I guess I'm not quite that much a fixture here, yet... soon perhaps.

The drive was as boring as alwyas, but made worse by the fact that I was really really tired this morning, despite the 4 cups of coffee at breakfast... but then again, maybe it was eating breakfast that really did me in. I have been subject to food coma quite often, lately.

I went to mass tonight, at St. Anne's. I'm not sure why, but I really felt I had to. I even left the happy hour here at the hotel early, so I could go. The Gospel was about the apostles asking if they should stop someone else working in the Lord's name, even though he wasn't with them. In the homily, the priest said this was about the apostles getting jealous of others who were able to do the Lord's work. He said "love is not jealous... It rejoices in the right." (extracted from 1Cor 13:4,6). Was I at mass just to hear that? Anyway, that had to be the shortest mass I've ever been to; we were done in under 24 minutes. I guess they could have gone faster, still...

Okay, I think I finally got the scoop from a couple of different angles. This probably isn't the full story. This might not even be the real story. But, it makes a bit more sense.

Let's explain a few letters... K is the girl. E is a guy who is interested in her. I am a guy who is interested in her also. D is another guy, who is not interested in her. E, D, K, and a bunch of others hang out together all the time. I hang out with them on occassion... in other words, if I'm around, they let me tag along.

P is another core member. She has a beautiful daughter, J, and always jokes around about E being J's future husband.

Mama P (not to be confused with P) is the matchmaker, the one who actively tries to sort the mess out.

K and E looked like a pretty good couple, to tell you the truth. I never could if they were together or not, though... they'd always be talking together, but never look together... Together but distant, perhaps.

No doubt that I simply added to that tension, but that's beside the point. After all, I like K and make it blattantly obvious to just about everyone... but maybe K hasn't clued in on it, or maybe she just chooses to ignore it. Anyway, I'm not really in the picture.

So... E liked K and K liked E. But then K liked D. D dissed K. P keeps on matching E with J. K asks P to stop with the J push. K likes E, but now E has given up on K. As for I? I get dissed by K every step along this path.

Yesterday, K tells Mama P that she's back on her matchmaker list, that they tried and tried, but failed, so she wants to know who else is on the list... But it really seems like the variable here is all K. What does she want? She claims to be looking for a relationship, but is she getting nervous and pulling out before she gets too close?

Well, I know I really shouldn't be getting into all the gossip, but I have some obvious interest in the matter here. However, it sounds like it's all out of my hands anyway. I asked Mama P to get me some info - is she really looking? what is she looking for? Perhaps it's time for me to move on, anyway. Poor K...

Okay, so I said I wasn't even going to see it openning week... but what the hell, it's not like I'll be doing anything better in Brampton on a Thursday night! So I've got a ticket to the 7:10pm showing at Famous Players off the 410, which probably means that I'll have to get over there right after I leave work at 5 to get a seat. Nice thing about seeing a movie alone is that you don't need to find a group of seats. The bummer is that... well, you're alone! *go ahead, place finger and thumb in an L shape on your on your forehead and call me a loser*

BTW, though I was deciding whether I really wanted the blue "Anakin" lightsaber or the red "Darth Vader" lightsaber, I finally made my decision: both. $86 a piece at BN, including membership discount. I really need to re-examine my flexible spending budget... and get a life.

Okay, so I'm still a wimp and still haven't the guts to ask her out. But there just are so many mixed signals that my brain hurts... I'm not even considered in that whole group of friends (they all went and played poker last night but never invited me, plus the fact that none of them ever ever call me or invite me to anything). I asked if anyone was up for dinner after bible study tonight and was quickly dissed by her.

But, I'm still useful... I still drive decisions. I still have ideas to offer. I still make people laugh. People still listen to me, but they just don't want me around.

I'm still just a random puzzle piece, waiting for my place to be found...

This afternoon was a big party for the youth groups in our vicariate, called the "Mass and Bash". Starting with noon mass, followed by a pancake breakfast (at lunch time, of course), then followed by a bunch of messy games, burgers and dogs, a live band, and a couple moon-walk type rides. I kinda stood back and took pictures with the new camera, while they played games like an egg smash (in a line of 10 people, the first person crushes an egg in his hands and the rest need to pass the sloppy egg from person to person, finally making it to the last person, who dumps it in a cup), an egg toss (standard partner to partner egg toss), and a mashed potato fight (3 big tubs of cold mashed potatoes and 60 some kids throwing it at each other). The weather was cloudy and cold, but at least it didn't rain! After the mashed potatoes, they hosed the kids (and silly adults) down with a fire hose, which I'm sure was really really cold... Not enough kids thought to bring a change of clothes or a towel, though. Hope no hypothermia or pneumonia comes from this.

After that, three of us core members went to a "practice" Life Teen mass at St Columban's. They are forming a Life Teen program, and today was their first run through of a mass on that program. K had grown up and been confirmed at that church, so we figured we'd come to show our support. Their youth group actually plans on meeting through the summer, so they invited us to join them and to help them out from time to time... maybe... I'm sure K will probably spend some time there.

Today... today had it's ups and downs. Most days do, but they seemed rather profound today. It certainly didn't help that I pulled another all nighter last night.

Working this morning was boring. Check some logic, wait around for someone to ask me a question...

While waiting, I read some of the gospels, read some newspapers, tried praying the rosary. And in the middle of the rosary, I had what must have been an anxiety attack. I decided I couldn't go on, since I wasn't adequately focusing on the prayer. Then, for a few minutes, I went through a mental loop where I thought that none of my prayers were worthy of being heard, that all of the good I try to do was in vain, that I am alone and will die alone. But then, I started calling to St Dymphna (Patron Saint of Mental Illness) "Pray for me! Pray for me!" and the thoughts dissolved. Weird, huh? Get behind me, Satan.

After work, I went over to my brother's house and saw my niece. She's almost able to roll over on her own. I took some pictures... why else did I buy that camera? I tried to take a nap, too, but I really couldn't get any rest. But at least the shuteye helped moisturize my eyes, which helped.

I was talking about going to meet up with some of the Core team after that... they went to take pictures of some of the girls going to prom, and I was going to meet them afterwards, but instead I decided to meet up with an good friend who I hadn't seen in a while.

He had other company... two of his boyfriends. While I knew he is gay (though he hasn't "come out" yet), this was the first time I met any of his gay friends. It was an interesting night... drank some wine, grilled some chicken and asparagus and artichokes, played euchre. They seemed like good people, although the frequency and hilariousness of their innuendos was astounding. It was fun, really. At the beginning of the night, I was kind of wondering how I should feel about the situation, and I just decided, hey, they are children of God and good people and I should be praying that there is a place in heaven for them.

Also, I got an IM from one of the teens... his grandfather passed away recently and the funeral was this morning... I did what I could, which was offer him an ear to talk to, any assistance I could provide to his family, and prayers for all of them.

So today, I felt the extreme highs and lows of my faith. I did a lot of intraspection, too.

I think I finally understood how my parent's hopes for us children affected each of our self esteems... My father, as we graduated from high school, assigned each of us a profession that he thought we were capable of: doctor, actuarial scientist (a super-statisician), a doctor, and me... he basically accepted what I was choosing anyway, an engineer. We are now a physical therapist clinic administrator, a teacher, a sales engineer, and me, the only one to follow as planned, an engineer. Have we been able to move past the expectations placed upon us? I was wondering how it had affected each of our self esteems.

Also, why don't I like working out and eating healthy? Why did I have to order chili cheese fries with my grilled chicken pita? When will I start to treat my body well? As soon as I finally truly accept that I want to live. Part of me still expects to die by the age of 30, doesn't it? But what will it take to make me feel like I want to live? Love, I think. But knowing that God loves me doesn't feel like it's good enough. There's something very wrong in that statement, I know.

Whoever, I finally join a loving relationship with, they will need to have a stronger faith than I. They will need to recenter me, when I am lost. I will need to use their love to remind me of what love is. It seems a rather lop-sided relationship, for what will I have to offer them?

I am a smart person. I have a memory that is better than most, can comprehend and process information better than most, and these gifts have treated me well in this world. But you know, I'd trade all that just to have a child-like faith, to believe, simply, that God has lovingly granted me grace. To know that... that would simply be divine. But instead, I have to reason through all things, I have to try to use my mind to comprehend what a child can understand without question. The first shall be made last... I may not be first, but I will certainly be made close to last.

I eventually did manage to make it through the rosary... It has been 25 days, about 60 rounds of the rosary, more than 3000 Hail Mary's.. And all for what?

Well, I know that you don't read my blog anymore, so you will probably never read this. You probably changed screen names, too, perhaps to avoid talking to me, as you have for the past year or so... But, I figured that I would admit that I lied to you repeatedly about a certain subject (you would know which one, since you repeatedly told me I was lying, while I repeatedly denied it), but you told me yourself that you didn't want to know that. *shrug* I'm finding it a difficult habit to break (but you probably wouldn't want to know that either)... but I'm seriously working to break it. For the record, that was probably the only thing I ever lied to you about.

Anyway, hope your life is going well! I wish you'd update your LJ more often, though. Still think you are wonderful, and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you ever get not busy and feel like talking...

The trip home was uneventful. I finally did get my GPS working on my PDA, so that was mildly amusing.

I have decided that trying to do the full 20 mysteries of the rosary just because I have the time (ie during long drives) is really a bad idea... it really seems to lose any meaning when I am just rambling through them mindlessly. It certainly won't help that I'll have such long drives twice a week now.

My co-worker (the project lead) has decided that he thinks we should have both of us out in Brampton as often as possible, and that we should move up to a 6 or 7 day/week work schedule as quickly as possible, too. That means that these little jaunts out to Canada mayb not only become more frequent, but also longer, and therefore more invasive to my personal life. Instinctually, I'd say "I don't know how I feel about that" but I really do know how I feel about it. The question is how I will handle it.

The youth group had another "coffeehouse" event, last night, which basically consists of a couple guys playing guitar for us for a couple hours, then our pastor doing a Q&A session. The only problem with them is they end up going for about 5 hours, including clean up. Plus, since it's at Starbucks, the coffee sucks (in taste and in cost).

I did get to use my new camera though... did I ever mention my recent buying streak? I guess I was getting jealous of some of the other adults that were pulling out their tiny little cameras, and I really thought that using a phone to take pictures is rather ludicrous. I was going to bring it down to Toronto, but I forgot it in my room. Maybe next trip...

So, I got home around 12:30, IM'd for a while, downloaded some programs I thought would be nice on my PDA, and bought some stuff on the internet (of course), which explains why I'm still up at 4am. I also did a little cleanup around the house (very little). I'm happy that someone cut my lawn (I hope this means that Tom is no longer in a sling, but I wouldn't know since I hardly ever talk to my neighbors since I'm hardly ever home). I'm surprised how little mail was in my box... 3 days away and I'd expect at least 11 catalogs and 15 bills. Hardly anything... wonder if my sister stopped by, or if my neighbor thought he needed to take them for me... In any case, I should do some more clean up... Yup, I still hate this menial crap, but I guess I have to learn to accept it...

Someone told me something interesting the other day about attention deficit disorder. Basically, they were saying there were two different forms, male and female. The male form takes place with a lot of fidgitting and obnoxious behavior and things like that. The female form takes form of their outer life still appearing neat and orderly, but their inner life (dishes, bills, laundry) a complete mess... I responded by saying that I must have female ADD... Hey, if the shoe fits... granted, I think their list of symptoms is a bit skewed, but it also might explain why there have been a couple of girls I know diagnosed with ADD that I really though should have been diagnosed bipolar. Or maybe psychiatrists really don't have a clue and I'm wasting my money... probably not entirely true. Anyway...

So, I don't even have this PDA for a week, and I lost the stylus... I guess I'm glad I bought extras.

Tonight, I wasn't satisfied just staying in my hotel or walking over to the mall. So, I hopped in the van and drove downtown. I figured if I got down to the bay, I'd be able to find a seafood dive. I kinda succeeded. Captain John's, a boat/restaurant, down on Queen's Quay... a mediocre-to-decent seafood joint with high-class prices. I probably would have been happier going to the gyro joint around the corner. Oh well.

Anyway, as I sat in traffic, I think I realized why I've been feeling so down lately... the lack of a goal - the sense of immediate purpose that drives my life during a hypomania... what do I really have to do right now? I hate not being able to answer that question. Not that I think I should always be able to answer that, but when I've known, one thing after another, that I have something important that only I can handle (or at least that's what I think is true), when that's missing... it feels like a void that tries to eat away at the rest of my life. All the things that I neglected while being so driven to do the "important" stuff, seem like such a waste of time. I feel like I'm suddenly an underachiever, even a failure. Then the life that I live no longer matters, and I search frantically for something else to give my life purpose, but whatever I find, too, feel like nothing. Like eating a cheesecake but not tasting the sweetness.

So, I guess it's just that I'm really having a hard time finding center... "normal" if you will. Hmmm... Have I realized this answer before? Will I forget it again? Probably, probably...

Anyway, just for a mental note, the 7-11 in Brampton is at Dixie and Williams Parkway... I can't believe that I couldn't find it last time I was here.

Man... I hate it when I have to re-write a blog entry! Well, it crapped out somehow, so I hope I remember what I wanted to say...

Half a day's drive and half a day's work isn't that bad a combo. Working out here is really no different than working in Michigan... the only difference, really, is what I happens when I leave.

You know, I pay all this money for nationwide service from Verizon, and I get roaming signals from my cell phone! It's as if they are treating Canada like it's a different country or something!

I'm staying at a Holiday Inn. I don't really feel any smarter for being here... those ads are fraud. I should sue.

At least it's only 100 feet from the local mall. Just ate dinner over there and people-watched from the food court. An interest crowd, very diverse - definitely not hometown Troy. All different races, many different tastes of clothing, many different walks of life... But when I people-watch, I like to try to read people's stories, and it's really hard to do it here. That is one thing about Somerset Mall, you can assume that 90% of the people have similar childhoods.

Anyway, being out here isn't that bad. The 3-day a week gig has some advantages over being stationed at the same plant day-in/day-out. Plus I still get to be home on weekends, too. However, once the job gets shipped to Illinois, it'll be a different story. Back to back, 12-day trips with only a weekend in between... *shudder* Well, I'll have to learn how to handle that when the time comes.

In the mean time, I should get ready for work tomorrow... in other words, prep my new PDA for the possibility of extended periods of boredom. Anyway...

I've also been analyzing myself lately (as if I ever stop)... I've been extremely needed - craving for complements, trying to show off knowledge and usefulness, searching for chances to make people laugh, hoping for pity... overall begging for attention. The thing is, I've also recently talked poorly about other individuals and their cries for attention. Shame on me...

Anyway, despite whatever imagined anxieties, life continues on...

I understand that if you have certain habits for 16
years, it may be difficult to change those habits even
2 years after your outlook on the matter has changed.
However, it chills me to know that this continues.
When they make a mistake, most people probably think
Oops or Crap or other 4-letter words. I think the word
Die. I want that habit to stop, because thats not what
I want anymore. Live - Thats what I want to do.
Instead, I quietly go on fearing my own head, and the
darkness still trapped up there.

Dropped the newlyweds off at the airport this morning... 2 weeks in Hawaii! pretty expensive, especially when you consider how strapped they were for wedding costs... anyway... You only get married once, right? Well, at least we hope so.

On the way, both of them said how nice my toast was. In other words, my brother read my blog and decided they had to cheer me up. Thanks! I still think it sucked, though.

I cracked into my secret stash of Wellbutrin this morning, without consulting a p-doc. Bad idea. Within 2 minutes, I being relatively normal (except for a slight urge to find a reason to be down on myself) to feeling like I had my face slammed into a windshield at 35mph (yes, I have experienced that and I'm not exagerating about the feeling). Nevertheless, the show had to go on... The feeling went away by the time I got ice to chill the bubbly, but not before my sister called me and tried to explain a problem that she had... I couldn't really comprehend what she was asking me for. Sorry, Em...

The groomsmen went to breakfast, played a round of poker, and then got dressed and drove to the church after dropping some cars off at the reception hall. The poker kind of threw me off pace, I think, but was fun anyway. We got to the church later than expected, but we still had some time for some pictures of the groomsmen.

I love watching trained photographers! There was one "actual" photographer and what appeared to be his apprentice. The main guy shot with a Canon EOS-1D and a 10D, with (I think) a 16-35mm f/2.8 on both, high-end & mid-grade cameras (as far as upper-tier digital SLRs go) with high-end lenses, of course. The girl shot with a 20D and a 17-85mm f/4-5.6, mid-grade camera with a mid-grade lens. She basically just re-shot every shot that he got, really. But their shooting techniques were pretty easy to understand: get the focus, frame the shot, shoot, get the focus again. If you didn't know why they kept moving their cameras, you'd probably get dizzy, though. The only thing that didn't make sense was their flashes. They were always in a bounce position, meaning you aim the flash to bounce the light off the walls or ceiling. But they even did this with 20' ceilings and outside... I can't see how their flashes were actually providing enough light to actually get to the people they were shooting. Anyway...

The ceremony was nice. There was a last minute change in the blessing of the rings, so both the maid of honor and I were each carrying one ring. The coin-bearer was in the bathroom during his part of the ceremony, so the "ring"-bearer filled his job. Fr Ken's homily talked about how they met, and how they got engaged and all that... kind of taking some of the stuff I wanted to talk about in my best man speech, but oh well... But basically, I, as the best man, did nothing more than act as a glorified furniture mover... move the chairs, move the chairs, move the kneelers, etc. At least I got the honor of signing their marriage certificate. Yay! They are finally married!!!!

The limo had a "no food" rule. What the heck kind of limo rule is that? Just because they booked their runs too close to each other shouldn't make our limo ride unpleasant. Seeing as the bride and groom "didn't know" about the rule, they brought a tiny bag of goldfish with them (which was actually left behind, half eaten, on a pew at church). Naturally, the goldfish got spilled all over the place, and when we were getting out of the limo, naturally, we crushed them into the carpet. I got chewed out for this while we were stopped for pictures, just because someone asked me to grab their camera. I felt like shoving a 5-spot in the guys hand and telling him "Get change, and figure out how to use those vacuums at the car wash." Instead, I just shrugged and walked away, so he chewed out the whole group. Someone else must have taken care of it, but I still think the limo drivers should have figured out how to use a coin-op vacuum... Or how to schedule better. Sheesh.

We took pictures at Heritage Park, a nice quaint muddy pond. I had my top-hat and cane (okay, so it's really an umbrella), and that made for some fun pictures (like my brother doing his Michigan J Frog impression). The maid of honor had to go to the bathroom, so she took my umbrella (as cover) and squatted in the woods. She came back saying "Someone call my mom. I broke my underwear." Evidently, she never did go to the bathroom, seeing as she kept yelling a the limo driver to stop at every single place that might possible have a bathroom. Instead, we went straight to the reception hall, which of course had a bathroom. Good.

No limo ride would be complete without alcohol. I brought 3 bottles of Chandon, which went pretty quickly. The bride's brother brought 2 bottles of Jagger and a bottle of Captain, which of course went even quicker. Little spillages all over the place, naturally, but surprisingly no complaints from the limo drivers. However, everyone was impressed that I could not only open, but pour, champagne, on bumpy roads in a vehicle that keeps stopping suddenly. I've had a lot of practice, I guess.

Everything sounds pretty good so far, right? All this time, I'm acting pretty loopy. After a couple of glasses of champagne. I think I reverted to college-mode (the rude, beligerent snot that I was, back then). My sister-in-law whispered (not too softly) "I think he's either going to be a priest or a gigolo." She thought that I seem to have two radically different personalities.

Before the reception "starts", we start doing pictures. I think the bride must have been speaking a bit snippy at moments, when saying who was in the picture and who had to leave, because my mom got offended. *shrug*

The reception starts. Bride's father does his speech, off the cuff. The maid of honor does her speech, reading off a piece of paper. I do my speech, based upon 5 post-it notes worth of chicken scratch. The speech sucked. Everyone told me "Great speech", but really, it sucked. It was long, only mildly amusing, difficult to follow, and didn't say half of what I really meant to say. Grr. The worst part, I think, was that my uncle had to ask "So, were you and the bride romantically invovled before?" Whoa! "No..." "Ok, so we can end that rumor... you talked about her so much, we were thinking that you were upset that he got her and you didn't." What?!? Yeah, the speech sucked...

Oh, what was the speech? I started by saying that I don't have a speech. They gave me rules to follow, "No embarassing stories about Noli, but Joanna is fair game." and "No drunk stories about Joanna.", so between those rules, I really have nothing to say. So okay, I talked about how I've known Joanna for about 13 years (about 20 minutes longer than Noli) and how we've always been good friends. How a couple of years ago, we met again at Christmas mass, how she dragged me back into retreats, how we dragged Noli back in, how both Noli and Joanna were really good friends of mine who told me everything... except that they were going out. The hockey game where Noli ditched us in our normal upper bowl seating for company suite tickets and I invited Joanna to take his ticket instead... but she mysteriously had suite tickets. Then the fateful St Paddy's day that, I, really drunk, told my brother (who finally admitted that they were dating) that I wanted to be the best man... Then, I mentioned how we all started a pool about when they'd get engaged, and so we'd start a new pool about when their first baby will be born. Okay, so yeah, I see my uncle's point... Crap... Let's see... things that I missed? I can't remember... the moment has passed, and I threw away all my notes. The speech really sucked... I hope I can forget about it now.

Speaking of notes, my unused post-it notes turned into a whole system of Noli and his friends sending notes back and forth to each other. One would say "O'Doyle Rules" and would be responded with "You aren't cool unless you've wet your pants". Weird, but funny.

Then there were group pictures. We tried to do a cousin picutre, with as much of the Hidalgo clan as possible gathered around the bride and groom. It was kind of funny: I handed my camera (an SLR) to my cousin's wife (who, of all the camera holders, looked like the only one who would be able to figure out how to use it). Then, after the first shot, it wouldn't take any more... the battery was dead. I took the camera and kneeled on the ground to replace the battery, and then someone said "Jay, it looks like you're proposing!" When she heard that, she turned to me and said "Yes!!!" Like... wait a minute here! So, I'm engaged to my cousin's wife... lol...

Anyway, I had the one compulsory dance with the maid of honor... then I never got back on stage, except to take pictures. Honestly, there was only one girl that I could picture myself dancing with, and... well...

Okay, subplot: I've been talking about how I've been trying to convince people to do something. I've been trying to get my friends from church to crash the the reception. They actually have a bet going, guys team versus girls team, to see who can crash the most weddings this summer. Some of people on both teams actually know Noli and Joanna from confirmation retreats, but that just makes it more fun. Plus, I was trying to talk some of Joanna's favorite teen facilitators to crash, also. When I sent my RSVP, I said 15 yes's and 3 no's; I was only half joking. Everyone talked a fair game, but no one showed. Bummer.

So, the one girl I could picture myself dancing with was one of thosen who didn't crash. Though she is on the girl's crashing team, she told me (in an IM session) "doesn't like going where she isn't invited". I asked her "how do you plan on doing this all summer, with that attitude?"... Anyway, I was going to ask her if she would go if I actually invited her, but she said she had to go, and signed off. Well, I really probably should have actually invited her, and then begged and pleaded for a last-minute seat for her... After all, it's not like I was even offered to invite a guest, though the bride's sister and brother both had guests... is that fair?

It was a great day, in that they are now married, and she is now my sister-in-law and all the planning and coordination and all that kind of stuff (which really I did almost none of... my sister did an amazing job) is done. But at the same time, I honestly didn't have a good time at the reception. The music was all... not my style (to say it politely). I couldn't stomach enough alcohol to even pretend to have a good time.

Anyway. I said my rose kept falling down... but that was only at the church. After that, I fixed it and never had a problem again. And I'm really not that down, either, though I seem to really be searching for reasons to be (and finding very few).

What's really bizarre is that I even got a job offer, tonight. My cousin in Grand Rapids, after we talked about what I was doing these days, said that he was looking for someone with my knowledge... Grand Rapids is a pretty cool town... Hmmm...

I should sleep, even though i'm not tired... not even after my seroquel pill... I was about to say "No good can come of this", but I just remembered "Through God, all things are possible." On that note... good night, God bless.

In just 24 hours, the Turner and Hernandez family will
have been married, the best man speech will be long
forgotten, and the reception will be in full swing.
Likely, I will be still sober. Hopefully I will have
found someone interesting to talk to or to dance with.
If not, I may be very well beyond blitzed, instead of
sober... Up or down? No one knows. Thats just how my
life goes...

Golf is probably among the silliest games ever invented: Hit a tiny ball with a thin stick several hundred yards into a small hole, trying to do this in 3-5 hits... repeat 18 times.

However, despite the ridiculousness of the sport, it is also a lesson in dedication and humility. If you don't dedicate yourself to it, you will definitely humiliate yourself; however, if you do decide to dedicate yourself to the sport, you will only *PROBABLY* humiliate yourself.

My mantra while golfing is this: "If God actually wanted me to golf, I would actually be golfing right now." As it is, I just go out there and make a fool of myself.

Everyone who golfs with me always tell me to slow down, so that I have more control of the swing, but who are they kidding? When you swing a 10oz titanium head on the end of a 4' long and 1/2" thick piece of carbon-fiber tube, trying to make the head travel at over 100mph while still maintaining angle of attack, attitude of club rotation, body positioning, shoulder stance, hip rotation, and foot placement, anyone who thinks they have the slightest iota of control is simply delusional. Yeah, keep your eye on the ball; that'll fix everything.

At least the weather was nice...

This morning... wait, that was this afternoon, wasn't it? I stopped by the church, just because... well, I wanted to drop in on our associate pastor and ask him, sometime before he left, what it was that made him know that he was called to be a priest. It was a nice discussion. He encouraged me to take a day to spend with himself or our pastor and shadow them, to see what being a diocesian priest is actually like. Also, he suggested one of the retreat weekends that the seminary offers, to see what the first 8 years would be like. He also suggested I find out more about the religous orders. Overall, I feel much less convinced that my path involves ordination. Laity has a nice ring to it.

As I wandered through the church, I somehow volunteer to become a coordinator for a graduation breakfast in a couple weeks. I guess I was looking for something to do, anyway.

And I said a final goodbye to our youth minister. He was trying to finally clean up all the loose ends (rather unsuccessfully, I must say).

But the rehersal went okay. I will probably forget all my cues when I'm supposed to move chairs or to bring up rings, or whatever...

They are doing some weird thing with the bridal party... the groomsman meets up the bridesmaid about 10ft from the altar and escorts her for those 10 feet. Ridiculously short and completely cuts out the photo ops. When it came time for me (the best man) to meet up with the maid of honor, I didn't offer my elbow or anything. The wedding coordinator yelled at me saying "Come on, JT! Act like you're interested!" to which I retorted "As if I would be interested in her?" Well, she's a very beautiful girl, if you're into the whole Britney Spears-wannabe look. So completely overdone that it's hard to take her seriously. Appropriately stuck up, too. Absolutely no interest whatsoever.

Then the rehersal dinner, the fam are starting to ask who the next marriage will be. Last time the question was asked, they pointed to my brother, and now here we are. Of course, this time, everyone turns and points to me. I remind them that I don't have a girlfriend; they don't care... he didn't either, back then. "So, how is the house?", some ask... "When is your girl going to move in?" they continue...

Anyway, when am I going to write my speech? I'm supposed to go golfing with my brothers tomorrow morning, followed by a late lunch with my uncle at a Vietnamese place, then a family party in the evening...

But seriously... Time to sleep.

Oh, yeah... today was the Ascension! So the Novena of the Holy Spirit starts tomorrow... Gotta schedule some prayer time in there too, I guess...

This episode might be over. Hard to tell, but things seem cheery. Of course, they could really take a dump over the weekend, especially if certain hopes I have building up don't pan out how I'd like. Those are out of my hands anyway; either I have been able to convince someone to do something, or I haven't.

Anyway, the real question is "When was the pivot point?" Was it when I got a response to that email? Or was I already on the up and up before that, like when I decided to buy that camera? Maybe I have a mild case of seasonal affective disorder that I don't know about... Tuesday and Wednesday were remarkably nice out compared to the crappy weather of Monday, so maybe the niceness helped flip me. Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself and I haven't swung quite yet.

It's all going to end in tears... - Marvin the manicly depressed robot

Side effects of not being depresssed appear to include random bursts of audible laughter... Use only as directed.

Breakfast at the Omelet Shoppe was nice. I still haven't finished the pecan roll, though. My sister went the easy way, I took the road less taken.

The weather was beautiful and I was up for a nice long drive... So I gassed up and drove all the way down the west coast and then cut back east... just to sputter out of gas just 2 miles from my house. Between the 8 hour drive and pushing my car 3 lanes over and 200 yards slightly up hill into a gas station officially undid any sort of relaxment that the massage provided... stupid $90... Thankfully, a couple of lawn care people helped me push my car over the 3 lanes and the gas station people helped me push the car the 200 yards. Not the first time I ran out of gas, but definitely the most pleasant outage...

Anyway, Manistee was okay, though boring. Ludington was visually interesting; I walked into the lake and took some pictures of a lighthouse. Muskegeon just flew by. Holland seemeed underwhelming. It probably would have all been a bit more interesting if I weren't alone.

About then, I decided to turn back home. Luckily I started getting Verizon reception again, so I got to check my email for the first time today. They had an interesting conversation about bible study and about road kill. I piped in (offering to pick them up a raccoon and also suggessting bible study days).

And then I started getting IM's from someone. We had a fun conversation from East Lansing (I stuck my hand out the sunroof and said hi to all her friends at MSU) all the way to Southfield. We decided to go to the first Life Teen mass for the parish she got confirmed at. I also spent a good amount of time to... do something I can't talk about, yet. She already had plans for Chili's with another girl, so she invited me along... There was another group of us sitting at another table, getting ready to go to a softball game. So, when they were done with dinner, they came by, and I convinced one of them to go along with what I was convincing her about. This will make more sense later, when I can say what I'm talking about. I think they will do it, along with 2 other girls in their group! If they're all going, I think she will too. It'll be so awesome if they do... Anyway, the three of us had a few margaritas, talked, ate. The other girl lost her debit card, and she was planning on treating the one girl for her birthday (last Sunday), so I picked up the tab.

Anyway, that left me going home, which left me empty tanked, and I kept forgetting to stop in a gas station. There are 4 on the way home, so I'm just stupid.

Then I called back my old roommate, who called me earlier this week. We talked for about an hour about everything and nothing. Just like the old days, except we haven't spoken in months. As always, he has a bunch of contingency plans for making money without a "job", which make me feel uneasy about my reliance on my one job.

Also, I've started trading emails with a girl I went to high school with. She's married with one son, living in Ireland thanks to his schooling grant. Talking about old times and new times, about my brother's wedding and all that. She asked me how "The Love Front" is for me. I just told her, I'm still just a hopeless romantic.

But, it was a wonderful day. No responsibilities... just driving and talking and emailing and IMing. But of those, talking is still the best.

This morning, I got a full body, hour long massage at some day spa up here, while my sister get a manicure and pedicure. The massage was nice, I guess. Got rid of some knots, especially some huge ones in my calves that I didn't know were there. But $75/hour plus tip... It makes my back sore. I guess I would have been happier with a 30 minute hot shower.

So far, I've made my sister go only to restaurants she hasn't been to before. She's the one with the timeshare, so I think she should get a taste for different places. Besides, so far, I think we've agreed that the places that she normally goes to are actually better than most of the other restaurants, but there's only one way to know that those places are that good.

After dinner today, we raced up to the tip of the Leelanau pennisula. There's a tiny little light house there (a spotlight up on some scaffolding), but we made it just in time for pictures in the sunset. I haven't used my camera in a couple of months... weird. But, I think the pictures turned out okay. I'm still thinking of buying a baby camera, something that I'd actually carry around with me.

We leave tomorrow, however. She's going to rush back to whatever responsibilities she has to babysitting our niece and to preparing for the wedding. The straight shot down I-75 takes 3-4 hours. I, on the other hand, with the much-preferrable "no responsibilities whatsoever" mindset, am going to drive down the western coast of Michigan. This will probably take me 6-8 hours, but the view should be nice. I just wish my CD player worked correctly... I might have to set-up my laptop in the car, just to play some decent music.

There's still a lot nagging at me. I'm scared of getting sent out of town. I'm upset that I don't think that relationship will work out. I'm sad that the year is over for Life Teen. I'm sad that our youth minister is leaving. I'm distraught that my matchmaker is leaving too. I don't want to be alone, but I feel urges to distance myself. That's really why I'm up here, after all. But it's good my sister is here... helps me keep a straight mind.

Anyway, I don't think we're doing another bible study anytime soon, but I asked if anyone felt like meeting for coffee Wednesday (tomorrow) at 7pm, which is normally when we would meet. No agendas, no topics... just coffee. Okay, so maybe there might be ulterior motives, but no one knows how to read me that deeply. Sad, that there are so many layers to me that can't be read.

Hmm... so that camera (Canon SD500) is now in my shopping cart at B&H... $550 including accessories... Ah, screw it. Done. I'll have to think about the waterproof case, though... another $140 is a bit steep.

In other news, lightsabers at BN.com are only $86 including membership discount... that, I think, should wait a bit.

Wireless access doesn't work from the room, so here's a day's worth of blog entries...

Monday, May 2, 2005 – 2:41pm

Our last Life Night was last night. We had a grill and served up some burgers and dogs and then had the students and some of the adults play some games. And since this was our youth minister’s last Sunday in town, we duct taped him. I bought 32 rolls of duct tape, just to be sure that everyone who wanted to get involved, could. It was a fun night, I guess. I was kind of out of it. I would say, “I wonder why.” but I think I’ve got a good idea, even if I don’t really want to say it. It really comes down to things that I haven’t said, and probably won’t.

After the night was done, I really didn’t feel like leaving. Many other people didn’t either, so we all just sat around and talked some more. I eventually left around 11, knowing that I still have a 4-hour drive that night…

So here I am up in Traverse City, staying at my sister’s time share. Supposedly they have wireless internet access, but it seems they only have one antenna, over in the office building, which is at the other end of the complex. So instead, here I sit, typing my thoughts in MS Word. But I need to write something… I have to get the thoughts out.

We went walking around the downtown area this morning. There is a hat shop, and I bought myself a nice, black felt “Mad Hatter” style hat and a nice wood-handled black umbrella. A bit expensive, but they look pretty cool.

However, while I was in another store, I got a phone call… some credit agency trying to come after me for a Discover card opened in 1998. I never owned a Discover card. I guess I have to write them a letter to state this, but I just really really don’t want to deal with this right now. I really don’t want to deal with anything right now, but I suppose the “real” world just won’t pause for anyone, not even manic depressives.

I did hit my 17th Michigan brew pub. North Peak Brewing Company. Their pale ale was very “eh”… I didn’t finish it, but that was partly because I knew I shouldn’t have anything more to drink. Probably did enough damage on Friday and Saturday. Alcohol is such a subtle depressant, isn’t it?

In some ways, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have internet access right now. I just bought a new PDA the other day, a Dell Axim x50v with accessories like extra batteries, an external keyboard, a GPS unit… And I still want to buy more stuff. Like a ultra-compact digital camera – I’m looking at the Canon SD500, and possibly buying a water-proof case to go along with it (though it would be cheaper to just buy a disposable waterproof camera and then pay to have it scanned). I’m thinking about getting that film scanner I’ve always wanted. I’m thinking about getting a portable printer that can fit in my laptop backpack. I’m seriously thinking about buying one of those expensive lightsabers that make all the cool sound effects. Why do I want to buy stuff now? I guess I’m hoping that having these stupid things will fill the emptiness in my life of the things I can’t get. The really stupid thing is that I know that this is what my mind is really trying to do to compensate, and I know that it’s all useless and that me wasting my money will only drive me to be depressed over every penny I spend… but I don’t care – I want to do it anyway.

Anyway, time for a nap…. Sleep will help, I hope.


Monday, May 2, 2005 – 5:10pm

No more alcohol until the wedding. It’s a depressant, after all. I should be bright and chipper for the wedding, so no more until then. My sister still wants to go to a vineyard while we are up here, and that’s fine, but no drinking.

I just walked the beach… it’s cold out there! I brought my umbrella with me, not to protect from rain, but just in case those seagulls attack. I saw them gang up on a family this morning… I’m glad I wasn’t them.

Hmm… I don’t even get a Verizon signal on my cell phone up here… I can’t even check my email from my cell phone. I feel so disconnected. I have to get used to this… I know I can’t get a signal in Brampton either.

Oh yeah… last night, when I was saying goodbye to our youth minister (if I haven’t mentioned it before, he is moving to Branson, Missouri this week). He told me again how amazing the transformation inside of me has been. He admitted that, at the beginning, he was ready to kick me off the team. Back then, I said something honest, I think that I really was hoping that the experience with the teens would really help me come to terms with my faith. A selfish, but completely honest, statement that he thought was a bad sign. But, he told me that he prayed about me, and that God told him that he should let me stay. He said had been really glad that for that decision. I’m glad too. Where would I be, without all of these people? Probably more lost and disillusioned than I had ever been before.



Monday, May 2, 2005 – 10:16pm
My sister has been asking me what’s wrong, and I’ve just been saying that I don’t want to talk about it.

Instead, after dinner, we took a drive around the Leelanau peninsula. Of course, it was already past dark, so it wasn’t really scenic or anything. The speed limit was 55, but you could never really get past 45 on most of the turns. However, it was enough to achieve one of my mind-blanking states that I get in when I get lost while driving.

Now I have to start working on the stupid CDs… For the wedding, they are giving a CD with some songs meaningful to them. I burnt all of them while my sister printed labels, so now we have to stick the labels on each of the CDs… exciting! I think it’s time to go take a walk with my laptop and try to see if I can get a signal, closer to the offices.

That was my "mock award": Closet Comedian. He basically started by saying that he and everyone pretty much thought of me as a straight-laced, serious, down to business, and very shy kind of guy when they first met me, but as the year progressed, they've found that, especially in my sarcastic remarks and witty emails, I'm a really funny guy. The irony is that the emails that they thought were the funniest were ones that I thought were just semi-funny. Well, I kind of expected something like this... but in my head, this morning, there were other possible ways that I was afraid they might have phrased an award that I might have had to object to... especially if they somehow showed that someone took some of my jokes seriously, which is something I really worry about. This award is okay, good actually. Some of my jokes seem to still be running on... like the one where I called one woman a "huge asset" after she complained about the use of big and rear in the same sentence. You'd probably have to read the whole email string to really get it.

The lame duck youth minister also said that if we gave an award for the biggest explosion of faith this year, I'd be it. Everyone else agreed and said also that my openness has been surprisingly big.

I did take the time to tell them that, with this new project I've been assigned to, there is a chance that I may not be able to spend a lot of time with them next year. They said that there's always email... I joked that there was no chance that they'd escape from my emails... Besides, when I'm in Illinois, there are a couple of LIFE TEEN programs very close to the plant that I might just be able to observe or help with. Maybe, I'll be out of town for a reason.