The Bipolar Otaku

Well, I just picked up the books that my cousin is leaving with me. I figured he'd be leaving a milk crate, maybe 2. No, 4 milk crates and 2 more crates that were about 3 times that size... maybe about 100+ books, I think. *whistle* Most of them are religous in nature... like I said, my mom thinks that he thinks I want to be a priest. While I'm not sure if he thinks that or not, I do know that he would think that I'd appreciate a lot of those books, and I do.

Anyway, I don't often talk about what I'm reading...

Recently finished:

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (what can I say, I'm hooked like everyone else)

The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (a really interesting series of fictional letters where Screwtape, a former tempter demon, advises his nephew on how to successfully tempt his "patient" into hell)

Why Do Catholics Do That? by Kevin Orlin Johnson (explanations of various traditions and beliefs of the Church)

Leviticus (how to make a sacrifice... the 3rd book of the Old Testament, not exactly the most exciting of biblical books, IMO)

Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (an interesting, but ficitonal, exploration of the Illuminati. Note: people reading his works really really need to remember that he is an author of ficiton!)

Pratice Effect by David Brin (intersting alternative reality SF)

Books in progress... that I can remember:

Catechism of the Catholic Church (the official summary of what Catholics believe. I've read certain sections as I found specific interest in them; I might read a few other books before restarting this one)

Letters to my Brother Priests by Pope John Paul II (recommended by my pastor)

The Walk at Work by Andria Hall (a book we had been using for bible study as a Core group, but since we haven't met in months, obviously I haven't touched it in months

The Gift of Faith by Fr Tadeusz Dajczer (recommended by my cousin)

Archform: Beauty by L.E. Modesitt, Jr (recommended by one of the teens)

The Lives of Saints by Alban Butler (trying to learn how others have successfully lived Christian lives; this will take a loooong time to read)

Catholic Replies by James Drummey (a 800+ question summary of a newspaper Q&A column)

Numbers (4th book of the bible... slightly more interesting than Leviticus)

Quicksilver by Neal Stevenson (alternate reality colonial times... not exactly the most interesting read, which is why I haven't touched it in a while)

Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (book 4 of the Chronicles of Narnia, started and forgot about it)

The Return of the Shadow by J.R.R. Tolkien (writing notes and original drafts of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Really interesting to see how a children's story, the Hobbit, created such a huge and vastly different sequel. However, I got busy and stopped reading it)

Christianity for Modern Pagans by Peter Kreeft (an explanation of Blaise Pascal's Pensees - an apologetics book writen in the age of "entlightenment")

Books that I'm going to start even though I haven't finished others:

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (recommended by my cousin)

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis (often cited by other books I just read)

Psalms (did you know people used to memorize all 150 of them? This is most of the reason why the rosary started with 150 Hail Mary's, because not everyone could remember all of them)

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis (want to re-read it before the movie comes out)

That's all that I can remember right now...

posted by JT  # 10:18:00 PM 0 comments

On lunch break today, I went to confession at a church near work.

Is it just me? Once the priest says "I absolve you of all your sins" I think "That's it? is it really that easy?"

But then again, is it really that easy to admit everything I've done wrong to this person? And don't I always expect them to say "no" or expect them to tell me that I need to leave or something? But no, they just say, "You're forgiven" and that's it. Well, assuming, of course, you are contrite of heart and all that stuff. But really, that's it! Thanks be to God!

If only Visa were so forgiving! Or other people, for that matter.

Seeing as being someone else isn't a real possibility for me, I think I really need to refocus on who I am and who I am meant to be.

So, first and foremost, I must know that I am a Christian. As such, I should work to uphold the commandments, particularly to love God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind and to love my neighbors as He as loved us. While I may not have the strength with in me to fulfill these commandments, I must have faith that God will provide the grace for me to do so. An interesting quote (St Ignatius?) that someone mentioned today: 'Pray as if it all depends on God, and then work as if it all depends on you.'.

I know one thing for certain - I have been called (as we all are) to love and serve God. As for the means by which I am supposed to do this, I'm not certain, but that is okay.

I have many weaknesses, some of which I am aware of. I need to learn to recognize and to embrace my weaknesses. I still like the passage from St Paul:
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2Co 12:8-10)

Since I think that my current lifestyle is not in accordance to what I believe in, I believe that I need to reprioritize things in my life. Even if I am not jumping out of my job and into a seminary, I do need to recognize that I must consider my faith life of the utmost importance and consider my job and other material and temporal occupations that of minimal importance - not to say that I'll disregard them, but just to always keep in mind what (or I should say - Who) comes first.

Also, I need to make it a priority to get to confession. While I had numerous sins since my last confession (about 4 weeks ago), in this last week I have made grave mistakes, for which I need reconciliation.

And finally (at least for this post), I need to try (again) to form the habit of a regular, scheduled time of prayer every day.

So, I pray that God grant this grace, if this be His will. I also pray that Mary may ever protect and aid me.

I guess I'm still trying to find the words for what I'm feeling... This thought came to me today - I'm just tired of being me. I'm sick of having my problems. I've had enough of thinking how I think. I'm exhausted with my burdens. I want to be finished with my debts. I wish I didn't have to deal with my responsibilties. I don't know how to deal with the abuse I give myself.

I'm definitely not saying that my life were over, though. I just wish I had someone else's life instead.

I was expecting to have to stay in Brampton until Saturday, but things changed. The supplier's branch in the Detroit area gave me a call and said they needed help, so I told them that I could be home on Thursday. See,ed normal enough.

Is it just a coincidence, then, that this today, unbenownst to me, at least until I actually got home, was the going-away party for my cousin, who accepted a job in Poland at the Archdiocese of Warsaw?

When I got there, mom told me that he was going to give me all the books that he couldn't take with him. She thinks it's because he believes that I'm going to become a priest. Incidently, I never mentioned the possibility of priesthood to either him or my mom. Then again, she always reads a lot of things in a situation that, more often than not, are unfounded theories based upon the most minimal of information.

Anyway, at this point, it just feels like I've given up, not just on priesthood, but on something bigger. Kind of like... well, life is worth living, but chances of a pleasant after life? Well, to put it quite simply - it would be easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for me to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The past few days, I've just focused on my job, and tried to act like I normally had. Few prayers, not even thinking about right from wrong, just acting like myself 12 months ago. I took a break.

To me, it seems that Fr. Jim's and Fr . Ed's concerns had manifested, providing evidence enough that I shouldn't be considering the priesthood anymore. Priesthood isn't a job, where you go home at the end of the day and aren't a priest for a few hours. There are no breaks.

This, of course, implies that I don't have enough faith to believe that God could make priesthood possible for me. I've been saying for a while that my faith truly breaks down at the point where my faith meets my mental illness. I should know that if I really prayed and believed, God would be able to help me overcome the illness, but I just assume that anytime I believe that, it must be coming from the illness itself.

In the meantime, the 3-4 day break has lead me to not be so forgiving, not so kind, not so charitable, not so faithful, not so reverant - a return to my old hyper-cynical self. Every step of the way, I've told myself, "Shouldn't do that." and many times have done it anyway. I'm badly in need of confession, I think. This is probably the worst part of the outcome here, that I haven't acted like I learned anything about being a better person after thinking that I should be a priest. Well, maybe I learned more, but I certainly haven't acted like it since I finally dropped the idea.

But, the only really good news, I think, is that my head isn't spinning anymore. At least not at the moment. We'll have to see what the drive home holds in store.

So, when did the world start spinning again. Okay, the world never stopped spinning, but it's not me that's making me dizzy, it's just my head and everything in it. When I say spinning, I'm not just talking about circles or spirals... something more like double helicals going in opposite directions. Unlike the DNA strands that compose what we know of as life, which are held together by little ATGC links, these strands seem to actively pull my faith, which composes my hopes of what true life is.

Translation - I'm pretty sure this is a manic swing right now, and the mania almost feels like it's trying to both pull me up by my faith and pull me down by my lack of it.

It kind of occured to me last night that something wierd was going on, when I started thinking about my blog entries and comments last night... Not just cynicism, but harsh cynicism (well, at least I thought so, for some reason). These reminded me of my recent thoughts - dire feelings to commits certain sins and an urgent feeling to pray that the others go away. Then came the litany of reasone why I can't answer the call I thought I once felt, simultaneously with the the barage of reasons why those don't apply and reasons why I should still try to follow it. Every positive thought, every negative thought, all felt like they were being counter-acted and counter-counter-acted, checks and balances themselves battling. Even attempts to distract myself (by reading Potter #6) seemed to be attacked from both sides.

I think it's easy to see that sleeping last night would have been a very wise move, one that I cannot go back and change, however. Needless to say, the 4-hour drive in which I was left alone to my swirls was not the most pleasant experience. What could have otherwise have been one of the more profound prayer sessions I ever had was riddled with tauntings of guilt. Distractions of any sort were not tolerated by either side.

It's a little better after a few hours of mind-drivelling meetings at work, and that is probably even scarier.

Perhaps this is all getting out of hand...

In complete disregard my comment on Manica's blog last night, I think I might just be going crazy... While this isn't quite the feeling of flying thoguhts that I remember about 5 years ago, the sensations in my head are just... not right.

One of my friends is promising to develop a cure for stupidity. Naturally, I offered to help fund his research.

I gave him some suggestions on how to make this cure effective.
1) It must be able to be applied without the stupid target being aware he's being cured. Naturally, the target would never believe he needs it, so would therefore never think to take it on his own.
2) It would be great if it can be applied to someone from a remote distance, say from your driver seat to another car. The advantages here should be obvious.
3) A good start would simply be to make a way so that the target couldn't talk (especially at movie theaters). Or drive for that matter. Although this would simply mask the problem, it would at least make the rest of us have a little easier life for a while.

His first suggestion was something that stuck to a target's forehead that had a sign on it. Maybe something as simple as "I'm stupid, bear with me."

Tonight, even though my scheduled travel time is just 5 days, I find myself preparing not for 6 days (1 just in case), but for 8 days. Why 8? The company pays for laundry every 7 days out of town... I guess that means that I'm expecting to stay a while. Yipee.

So, I ask myself the question I've pondered since April... Should I just start applying for dual citizenship?

"If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing blog entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your weblog."

I called up a friend of mine who left me a message during 5:30 mass this evening. Basically, I had the choice of being responsible and packing for my Brampton trip tomorrow or go see a movie.

Needless to say, I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Though the original songs were catchier, I liked the new one better. Unlike the original Gene Wilder movie, Willy has issues, and is not just some perfectly happy sugar-addict of a genius. Thus, Charlie has to do more than prove that he's the right kid to win, he has to save Willy first.

But now I have to pack and finish laundry and that kind of stuff. Bummers.

I got up early this morning (well, 7:30, which is very early for a Sunday morning when I don't have to work) and went to mass at the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament in downtown Detroit. I figured after that, I might be able to wander around and give my duty for week 5. I didn't have to do that, and I was kind of guessing that I wouldn't.

As I was walking into the cathedral, I was approached by a man named Phillip. He said that he hadn't eaten a real meal in several days, and that he'd just eat the stuff they serve after mass, but he's allergic to the sweets they put out. I give him $10 and asked him to come to mass anyway. He said that he'd be in shortly and openned the door for me. However, I never saw him inside during mass.

Sometimes, I guess I just have to wonder if some of these beggers are just begging because it's easier that way, if they really just take whatever money comes to them and waste it on alcohol instead of trying to spend it on meals or trying to survive. Well, whatever the case is, I guess that I have to accept that I am trying to do a good thing by trying to provide assistance, but they need to be responsible for their own well-being by properly using whatever I provide to them. Maybe I should spend some time in soup kitchens and such, as maybe people there would be more likely to use cash for proper necessities. Then again, maybe not.

Anyway, I pray that Phillip and all of us who hunger for our daily bread, both material and spiritual.

After I emailed in that last blog entry, my brain started linking things together and formed a new conclusion - as it so often does - just a little later than I would have liked.

The pattern started like this: Why don't I like working here in town? Because I'm "bored", which is bad. Out of town, on the other hand, since I have greater responsibilities , I'm usually "busy", which is good. But, out here, when someone has something for me to do, I will still do it reluctantly, because it's not something I started and not something that I think I should be finishing. It's not mine, so I don't really want part of it, even though it would in fact change my current status from "bored" ("bad") to "busy" ("good"). So it's not boredom that's bothering me, it's ownership.

Well, not really ownership... it's importance. You see, out there, since I have responsibilities that may lead to the success of the overall project, I feel important. Over here, someone else has those types of responsibilities, so all I do when I'm here is tertiary legwork, hence I feel unimportant.

Naturally, this minor insight relates directly to how I feel about everything else in my life right now. A calling made me feel important. Being considered an unsuitable candidate made me feel unimportant. As much as I try to keep my pride in check, my "happiness" (like so many other people's "happiness") is still focused on me feeling important.

Speaking in broad generalities, many people may very well be basing they happiness on the feeling of importance - perhaps stars that don't get enough time in the spotlight, spouses that don't get enough attention from their partner, kids that get no attention (or too much negative attention) from their peers - all of them may be grossly unhappy with their lives because they don't feel important. So, in attempts to regain happiness, as defined by a feeling of importance, they may continue doing what they've always done (hoping that the rest of the world will change back for them, but meanwhile building up deep seated resentments) or they may act out in very different ways (ie news generating antics, affairs, bullying, fighting, drugs, alcohol, etc.) often creating more problems for themselves.

While feeling important isn't a bad thing, feeling unimportant is definitely a bad thing. I think it is imperitive that we really consider in whose eye's should be measuring our importance when we translate it to "happiness". We are each important in the eyes of God, important enough that (as John 3:16 says) "He gave his only Son", important enough that Jesus died for our sins - not just as whole, but individually.

So, if I continue searching for a spot in the priesthood or if I continue living life as a devoted layman, I am still important to Him, so I should be happy - not apathetic - as long as I continue to serve Him.

And on that note, I will probably resume reading about religious orders soon, maybe tomorrow, perhaps check out the Franciscans or the Jesuits. I've read that different orders may or may not consider a mental illness as an impediment. Also, I want to find out more about "third order" laity. But most important of all, I need to keep praying. As many people have pointed out to me (even those "rejecting" me) God has a plan for me - I merely need to figure out what it is.

After a week at home, Im not sure what is worse.
Hating the fact that you are out of town and away from
your friends, but liking your job? Or being at home
and disliking yourjob? Or maybe knowing that liking it
or not really doesnt matter, because you are fairly
well stuck with it as being your best bet for the near
future, and being near or far from your friends doesnt
matter either, because you never see them either way.
This is a road to apathy that I ride, and that is what
is worst.

Well, even though I haven't completely ruled out the possibility of a religous life (I still want to meet with my pastor to discuss possibilities), I'm presently aware that I no longer feel inhibited... Seeing as I'm going to continue earning money for some time, I no longer have to prevent myself from spending it, right?

But honestly, I really haven't in the mood to buy anything besides books, and even most of those are religous-oriented still (except for HP&tHBP and some DVDs which I ordered months ago). And besides, I probably have enough to worry about just repairing the stuff I have (the DVD player, the camera, and the HD data recovery) that buying new stuff just doesn't seem all that great an idea...

Besides, nothing changes the fact that I still am in a great deal of credit debt thanks to a year's worth of splurging... And one of these days, I will have to buy a kitchen table, and knowing me, I probably won't walk away with less than a $3k bill for that.

Such a mess...

Last night, I went to my mom's house. She was rushing out the door (for an hour) saying "I'm going to go visit Joanna". Okay. I was just waiting until my Core group meeting at church was close to starting. "Do you want to come too?" "Nah" I mean, I saw her last Saturday, right? "Do these flowers look okay?" "Yeah, just take out the baby's breath." Thought nothing of it. She finally left and I went to my meeting.

So 2 hours into the meeting (which, I must say, was remarkably on track, regardless of how long the meeting went), I got a phone call from some number I didn't know. I answered and my brother was on the line. He asked if I was in Brampton... "No, I'm at church." "Oh." Yeah, so his wife has been in the hospital since Monday, but they thought I was out of town. But visiting hours ends in 5 minutes, so don't bother coming today. I'm not upset about not getting a call from them directly up until now, but she's been in there for more than 24 hours, and no one thought to let me know. *shrug* Monday, by the way, was her real birthday, though we celebrated it on Saturday. I guess if I had the wherewithall to call her, I would have known already.

Anyway, I went to visit her this afternoon (after I spent some time at the church praying for her and others in front of the blessed sacrament) and talked with her. She's in a lot of pain, which has been coming and going for several years and they still don't have any ideas of why. MRIs and ultrasounds and whatever other testing has shown nothing unusual, besides a cyst on one of her ovaries, but considering she has a history of kidney problems, they've been looking at those. They decided to start weaning her off the pain medication (last night she was on 3 different pain meds at once, but tonight she just has Motrin). If the pain subsides by morning they might release her. If not (and judging by her during dinner...) they may start exploratory surgery tomorrow, and while they are there, they might try to remove the cyst... the removal of the cyst has a 70% likelyhood of needing to remove the entire ovary. Luckily, there are two, but it might really make getting pregnant a lot more difficult, which is really really bad news considering how much they want to have children. Heck, it makes me feel really bad that last Saturday I gave her (as a joke) a "birthday" card saying "Congratulations, mother to be!"

I gave this week's $10 to my brother, to buy her some key lime pie. Hopefully, they can enjoy it at home tomorrow. In any case, I sent out an email asking for prayers for her, and in my weekly update letter for the $10 mission, I asked for more prayers on her behalf. I didn't, however, mention the cyst. I'm not sure what they want to do with that, yet.

Strike 2: Redemptorists don't take candidates who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. "We highlight living in community and without judging you in any way, I say simply that it is a cause of suffering for the person with the disorder and those around him. Community life can be simply more complicated as a member of a religious community."

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it just isn't the direction I'm being called. Maybe there is another plan set forth in my life that I need to follow. I don't see it yet, but I have to trust that God has put it there.

Maybe it was just responding to the call was all that was required of me. Maybe... I don't know what...

Well, tomorrow is another day. If God wants something of me, he will show me a way to get there. But until then, I will sleep and continue on as normal.

So, Mama P and her daughters Julia and Lucy are leaving... Mama P now has a job near Kansas City as a youth minister and Julia and Lucy both have enrolled in colleges near there, studying Psychology/Theology and Art. Tonight was the last party that we'll have with them in town, and everyone will miss them.

But, I couldn't let them leave without asking them to pay it forward too. I don't have $500 lying around to give them for the next 50 weeks, but I did have $60. So, I asked Lucy to see what she can do in 6 weeks.

Anyway, I'm really tired, but I know that it's not worth sleeping, since I need to be up in just a few hours... This is going to be a long week, I'm sure, but at least I get to stay at home!

Okay, so I'm watching anime again.

Gunslinger Girl is the show. It's about this group of young orphan girls (9-12?) who have been "conditioned" (cybernetucally enhanced and brainwashed) to become assassins, kind of like "The Professional" except not driven by personal vengence or "Noir" except with younger girls. Each of the girls have a handler, kind of like a big brother, to train them and give them orders. But one girl, Henrietta, who had been the sole survivor from murder of the rest of her family (which she assumingly witnessed), seems to be regaining some of her memories and starts having protective instincts for Jose, her handler. At the same time, Jose is starting to treat her as the little girl she is, not the weapon they've made her.

It's actually a really good series, so far. I'm sure I'll just get more pissed at the idea that this story-world government would do such a horrible thing to these kids, though...

I can't stand it when I read something that I've written and don't know what I meant by it... especially when that thing I've written is the part of the only journal I've kept in years.

I went back to read all my blogs talking about my dreams. Most of them are random crap, but in one of them from 2 years ago I re-lived a conversation... But I didn't describe it, because it was too meaningful and for whatever reason I didn't feel safe writing about it.

So, the thought is forever lost in the ambiguity of my self-defense.

But as it all starts to make sense again, I'll end this entry so that the mystery can still be mysterious when randomly find this blog entry again, a couple years from now.

I haven't done a quiz in eons, but I really liked the picture that I saw on Manica's blog. Is my result surprising?

You are a
protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.

Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

I went downtown with some of the guys from work to watch a Blue Jays game. I really can't stand watching baseball, but it was fun anyway.

But honestly, I barely watched the game. Suffice it to say, I know that my physical interest in women has not diminished at all. "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Oops...

Toronto is a wonderful city. One of the guys pointed out "You know what it is about this city? Here, around any people, of any race, of any religion, I feel safe." I can't say that about any other major city I've ever been in.

And using the subway to go into and out of the city works great. After work, it still takes just over an hour to get downtown, but it beats the heck out of sitting in trafffic. I still have some tokens, and I'm sure I'll be going back into town next time I'm here, at the very least, to go back the St Patrick's for the OLPH devotional mass on Wednesdays.

Anyway, I have to bring a camera next time... Too bad my baby one is broken, gotta get that fixed!

At lunch time, I mentioned to my coworker that I was going downtown to go to an evening mass, so he asked if he could come along. Though he has been coming out here to Brampton for longer than I have, he had not gone into the city yet, and although I knew he was a Catholic, one particularly devoted to JP2 (he had noted the bracelet for JP2 that I won at church) and Solanus Casey, it never occured to me that he would want to go to an evening mass with me.

Anyway, we took the subway into the city (a first for him), and since we had some time, I decided to take us out at Eaton Centre and we just walked around from there. Besides, the path I took gave me a chance to look for the guy in the wheelchair that I saw yesterday. I found him (I'm pretty sure it was the same guy); his name is George. I didn't talk with him long, but I gave him $20. I'm not considering that one part of my "pay it forward" mission... that was just something I had to do. Since we had stopped, I told my coworker about Happy giving me the $500. He asked me how it went, thinking I meant this happened a long time ago, but was surprised when I told him I was just on week 4.

Anyway, we went to St Patrick's mass devoted to Our Mother of Perpetual Hope. I bought a booklet about the Novena for her there and I told my coworker about the dream I had, and about going into that mass on Monday and finding it was also devoted to her. He simply told me "Brother, you're being called."

We went to dinner, where we talked about a lot of different things, from how well dressed all the women in the city seem to be (especially for a Wednesday evening where nothing in particular was happening) to the poor incoming-priest-to-outgoing-priest ratio to the costs for running a parish or the costs of seminary (I'm kind of curious why he knew that)... Later, we walked over to the CN tower and down to the lakefront. Wizard of Oz was playing out on a waterfront stage, so we sat around and watched that for a while. There's one movie that I hope Hollywood will be smart enough to never attempt to re-make. Then we wandered back to the subway and went home. Round trip: about 7 to 7:30 hours. Well worth it, and with good company.

Maybe we should take the checklist approach...

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.
Assuming that an elevated mood means feeling fairly good, then I've had an elevated mood for about 2 months.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Not really. I don't think I'm acting any differently.

• Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
I'm happier than normal, mostly because I think God loves me.

• Extreme irritability
Definitely not.

• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Nope.

• Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Nope. Can focus just fine, as long as I'm not sleepy (like in the morning).

• Little sleep needed
I'm getting 7-8 hours on most nights.

• Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
My abilities? I try to really not focus on my abilities, but I am placing more and more faith on God's abilities. To qualify that, it's not like I ask God for major miracles, but usually I just ask for guidance and protection for those I love. Not too unrealisitic, is it?

Thinking that I should be a priest, that I can help and minister to others, that I can reach out to those who need help... is that an unrealistic belief in my abilities?

Thinking that I'm being called in a specific way, because of certain things people say to me, because of dreams and an unusual coincidences. Is that a unrelastic belief in my powers?

• Poor judgment
I don't think do. No one has made any suggestion that I have been making poor choices. Anyway, I couldn't really judge whether or not I have poor judgement, could I?

• Spending sprees
Latest spending has been on books, many of which have been on the Church or about the Bible. Also, I guess you could consider giving away money as a bad spending habit, in a manner of speaking.

• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Thinking that I'd be happier without the concerns of living two lives (work and non-work) or without the concerns of money. Or maybe behaving like God is more important than my job (while still doing my best to fully act out on all of the duties of my job). Being generous to others... different from usual, and hopefully a lasting behavior.

• Increased sexual drive
Big negative.

• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Nope.

• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Nope.

• Denial that anything is wrong
Actually, I always admit that something could be wrong... but really I don't think there's much to prove that anything is wrong. However, I am not being faithful to my med cocktail. I usually forget the morning doses of lithium.

It's hard to say... 1 pretty sure (different from usual behavior), 3 maybes (spending, delusions, euphoria) , and a lot of nos (drugs, sex, aggression, poor judgement, sleep problems, distractability, restlessness, irritability, racing thoughts). I think I'm stepping through this rationally.

Anyway, I tried calling my old psych (since the new psych is difficult to schedule in), but she's on vacation until August.

I took the subway down to Toronto this evening, kind of walked around to get to know the down town area and the subway system.

As I walked, I saw a man sitting in a wheelchair, no legs, holding a pringles can, just sitting there. I thought I should stop, but I walked past him. I thought I should turn back, but I kept walking away. When I eventually came back full circle to the same subway entrance, I thought I should go see if he's still there, but I didn't walk the extra 20 feet to check.

However, I didn't have a problem talking to a guy near the subway who actually asked me if I had change. Gord was his name, and his eyes nearly popped out when I gave him a $20. "God bless you." he said repeatedly. I still felt shame about the wheelchair guy, though.

Over by the CN tower, there were plenty more people looking for help. I handed one guy a couple of two-ney's (2 $2 coins, for all you non-Canadians) and decided not to go past the rest. My resources are limited, after all. A lame excuse, from one perspective, but a valid one. But I still feel shame about that first guy.

I'll try to go by there tomorrow night. I know there's a mass on Wednesday nights devoted to Our Lady at St Patrick's, which is just a few blocks over from there. But given that the cops give the needy a hard time (a not-so-surprising bit of information from Gord), he might need to move from time to time.

Whatever the case, I'll pray for all of the needy down in Toronto.

Meanwhile, Kim told me there was a particular homeless person she sees often on her way down to Detroit that she wanted to give some money to, so she has $20 to pass on. I was thinking it is time that I started doing some outreach programs to friends in other parts of the country... but I still gotta remember to watch my budget, too.

When do coincidences become something more?

I went to a mass out here in Brampton, at the same church I was praying at last week when I gave that woman money for ice cream. Their Monday evening masses are devoted to none other than "Our Lady of Perpetual Help". How funny is that?

A year or two ago, on my desktop computer (the one which I usually forget that I even have, anymore), one of my hard drives crashed. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were one of the 100gb drives, since they had nothing but anime on them. No, it had to be the baby 40gb drive. Stupid IBM... that drive was actually a replacement for a failed 30gb I used to have. Why I decided the replacement was safe to use is beyond me.... Anyway, the baby drive, back in the day, was used a buffer for my Direct Connect downloads and also to store all my digital pictures. The data is probably safe... probably.

So, now that I'm finally getting around to posting my digital pictures on the web (go to jth.smugmug.com and use the passwords "Hernandez" or "lifeteen" if you want to look around), I think that I really want those pictures back.

The problem is the cost of data recovery... I'm looking at $400-$1500+, based upon 4 quotes that I've gotten so far, with $800-$900 being the most probable cost. eek! This would be the price to pay for being to lazy to burn all my backups to CD...

Well, I'm still deciding. Near as I can tell, there is about a 18 months worth of pictures on that drive, including weddings, holidays, parties, retreats, vacations, competitions, and other random stuff...

Meanwhile, when I get to be at home for a whole week next week, I'll have to deal with broken stuff. My Onkyo DVD player doesn't recognize discs. My Canon SD500's lens mechanism seems to be jammed. There's probably other stuff that I need to fix that I haven't even comprehended yet. What a mess.

I need to stop letting Saturday's meeting discourage me. While I think he was fair in his assessment, I still think I am being called. Like I have been saying, if God wants me, he will find a way, but I have to continue to let him find that way and the best way to do that is to continue exploring the possibility.

First step is going to be getting in contact with the Congregation of the Holy Redeemer, otherwise known as the Redemptorists. I want to find out more about them and St Alphonsus Ligouri and Our Lady of Perpetual Help, especially after that dream Thursday night...

Did I write about that dream? Not in my blog... I had a dream that I was travelling with a Redemptorist priest, who was telling me about St Alphonsus Liguori, but I don't remember anything he told me. But, I do remember him telling me that they are constantly praying for help, even for the littlest of things that they do. So, he told me they were dedicated to "Our Lady of Pertual Need" because we constantly need help. After that dream, I looked up "Our Lady of Perpetual Need", which Google sent me to "Our Lady of Perpetual Help". "Our Lady of Perpetual Help" is an icon which was comissioned by Pope Pius IX to "make Her known throughout the world". In other words, Google searching for Her lead me directly to the Redemptorists website. I knew that the Redemptorist were founded by St Alphonsus Liguori, but I did not know (and would not have known) that they were in any way connected to an icon of Our Lady, especially not an "Our Lady of Perpetual something" (even though the dream called it "Perpetual Need" in reference to a need for help, instead of "Perpetual Help"). That, I think, is the interesting part which makes me think it's more than just a run-of-the-mill dream.

Anyway, a couple of Redemptorist priests had done a parish mission at our church earlier this year, so I will either try to get a hold of them or try to contact the order directly.

I should also get in contact with a couple of other religous orders that some friends have mentioned. I still think I'm being called to priesthood, but perhaps I am not being called to diocesan priesthood. So I keep on praying for guidance, and I know that others have been praying for me too.

This is what I was told this morning, and I know this is true: though my talents are obvious and not fully tapped, my health may be an impediment to priesthood.

Though this is discouraging (so much so that I only write about it 12 hours later), the call feels no less diminished. Nothing further than responding when I heard the call may be required of me, but if God wants this of me, he will lead me there still; I know this, too, is true.

The church has a responsibilty to its people, and if I am not able to fully perform the duties under the many pressures of ministry, it would truly be a disservice. Honestly, I still am concerned when the next swing will happen and where that swing will bring me. Or worse, that this is the "next" swing, and how returning from this swing will affect me. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.

Yet, I am reminded of a passage Kim told me the other day, regarding my concern for my weakness:
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2Co 12:8-10)

I will have faith.

I turn 28 tomorrow... For several months now, whenever anyone asked me my age, I have told them "Almost 28" or "Turning 28 in July" or something like that.

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING????

I mean, really! Who over the age of 8 says "I'm almost a year older"? Well, okay 17 year olds and 20 year olds do that too (and 18 year olds in Canada, can't forget)... but the point is, like they say, after you turn 21, age only goes down hill. No one would ever want to be older than they are. But why did I keep pushing for that extra year?

I decided I have to see this movie. Not only did it look cool in the promos, I figured that the background story of Batman had a certain real message that was lacking in the TV series and especially lacking in the other movies. They all just focused on Batman being this guy who fights criminals, but the comic books will tell you that Batman is really a guy fighting for justice. He had dropped out of law school because he realized that criminal justice was pretty much so wrapped in itself that it really couldn't serve true justice anymore.

Besides, I was talking with someone down in Georgia who had just seen the movie. He was telling us about it too, and how he really liked the point that was made in the movie. I made a guess of what he was going to say, but I was wrong... kind of. Actually, now that I read what I said in the first paragraph, I should have nailed it on the head. He said "True justice is compassion." Instead, I was focusing on Bruce's need for vengence toward Joe Chill, so I thought "God's vengence is love." Close, I guess.

Anyway, the movie is awesome. I love the fact that, in relative terms, at least, the gadgetry is realistic, kind of like comparing older James Bond mobies to newer ones. Except for the whole microwave emitter, though... Sorry to say, but that would also microwave all the water in your body too: instant dehydration and gas bubbles in your blood stream. If it's that powerful, you wouldn't live long enough to take a breath of whatever poisons, not to mention have a sword fight.

I went to an evening mass after work today. I know that I've been doing this for a few months, but I never really thought about it before... I found myself mouthing all the words the priest says. Well, not all of them... I skipped stuff like the homily, since I obviously had no idea what he was going to say, and some of the prayers can change from mass to mass, but the key parts of the liturgy... Well, I probably couldn't recite them on the spot, but during a mass, I still whisper them softly.

And besides that, I've been paying a lot of attention to the readings... I find myself trying to figure out how they link together and trying to predict what the homily will say. I'm usually wrong (probably a good thing).

But still... How long have I been doing this? Why do have I been doing it?

I really like this word, possibly one of my 10 favorites in the English language. Basically it means placing two or more things side by side, usually for comparison/contrast purposes. It's an amazing storywritting and moviemaking technique because you get to see two sides of a coin or multiple faces of a situation, but even more powerful when you get to see it in real life.
[Warning: I'm feeling long-winded.]

Today is my first day back from work. The last 16 days have been filled with prayers, mass, praise and worship, Eucharistic adoration, and other religous stuff. Today, I got to return to "the real world". To kick that off, I naturally have to return to Brampton and dive back into my project. Shifting back into that mindset was actually a bit to natural, but I still have this grin - if not on my face, then in my mind - which says "I'm meant for something other than this." For various reasons, I really hope no one here knows me well enough to read that on my face.

I've still got this mission to do. Week 2 is still unfulfilled. So as soon as I get in town, besides looking for a place to eat, I start scoping out the town. Walked around the mall, a couple supermarkets, drove around the historic district. Yeah, okay, some ideas, lots of potential. But I couldn't really pull myself to do anything in these places, not right now.

Instead, I head into the supplier and do my time... with some degree enthusiasm, actually.

After work, I jet out quickly and head over to a church. I heard they had a LIFE TEEN program, so I wanted to see if they had a regularly scheduled mass oriented torward the teens. Besides, I also wanted to get my daily prayer session in, preferably in a church. while I'm praying (and I was there for a while), eventually, a woman came in and sat in the pews somewhere behind me. She had a couple kids with her. Once I heard them, something told me "If you want an easy one, here you go". Kids being kids, they were wandering back and forth, asking their mom something (can they go yet?) and their mom just kept saying, "Shh... I'm praying." God bless her patience. So when she finally got up (hopefully she was actually able to finish what she was praying for), I stopped her. I asked her "Could you do me a favor? I was given this mission once... [I pulled out my wallet and gave her a $20 CDN] Would you like to treat her kids for ice cream?" She told me she was going to be going to McDonald's anyway, and she thanked me. I introduced myself, and met her and her two sons (Philomena, Alexander and Steven). So, good deed for the day done.

I head to the hotel to check in. My pseudo-boss sees me and invites me up for a cocktail. We grab a couple plates of complimentary wings from the hotel lobby, and head up to his room, where another colleague met us with ice. We each had a glass of 15 year old Scotch on the rocks, eating wings, hob-nobbing with the project manager, as they told me about this fantastic restaurant they went to last night... Easily beat Ruth's Chris, best steak in a long time, excellently poured cocktails... My guess it was around $70 per plate, plus drinks. We finish our drinks and wings. "Ready to go to dinner?"

In the car we talk about some of the local attractions. Someone mentioned a castle that some rich guy built and kept, until he lost all his business and gave it to the city to keep and use as a tourist trap...
Whoever it was: "I guess when you have that much money, you just look for ways to waste it."
Me: "You know, I met this exec, like a former VP of a big shipping company, I think. His mission was to die broke: give away everything he has before he dies."
Reply: "Tell me his name: I'll write him and tell him a good bank account to dump some in."
Me: "He gave me $500... but he told me that I had to give it away over the next 50 weeks, $10 a week,"
Reply: "Sounds like you got the short end of the deal. You should give it to the lottery."
Me: [with as much sarcasm as I can lay out] "Yeah, the lottery goes to education, doesn't it?"
The other guy laughs. Needless to say, that was pretty much the end of that conversation. I know the guy is not a bad guy, he's mentioned things that he does to volunteer at soup kitchens and stuff.

We get to this Thai place I really don't like all that much. We keep talking about anything... the project, this meeting, that liquor, whatever restaurants, wherever hotels, the hottest peppers and hot sauces, what a first class flight to the orient is like, etc. Whatever. Interesting whatever, as it's mostly stuff that is beyond my own experiences, but whatever nonetheless. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, the third guy turns to me and says "You know, I think your friend has the right idea. And you, your volunteerism is probably worth more than any money you could be dishing out. If I had the resources, I would like to do something like that one day." And the conversation returns to the previous whatever.

Juxtaposition. It just blows my mind.

I guess I didn't mention it yesterday. Amongst my
wandering about, I stopped by and visited my dad. This
is a first for me - the first time I've ever gone to
the cemetary alone. I'm surprised I even found the
grave.

I told him I love him. I prayed that he made it to
heaven already. I prayed that he make sure my sibs
knew how proud he is of them, even though they might
not think they met his expectations of them (after
all, when he was alive, he used to tell us that we
should be in this career or that, because we could
make a lot of money in that job; incidently, I was the
only one of the four that made it in the career he
chose for each of us, and I always guessed that it
haunted the other three). I told him that I'm going to
quit my job, that I'm needed elsewhere. I kissed his
grave and said thanks.

Since this is the first holiday that I've had off and on which had nothing scheduled in a long time, I decided to try to fulfill the 2nd week of my obligation.

I headed down Jefferson Ave (which basically goes the length of the Detroit River) and I drove around downtown Detroit, trying to look for ways of giving money to some random stranger who might need money, without making the assumption that they need money solely on how they look. I figured St Aloysius has a "warming center" that I might be able to find some homeless people around. No such luck.

Instead, I wandered around Belle Isle and saw people camping and barbecuing and fishing and stuff. Yawn.

Anyway, I tried going to mass there, but since it was a holiday, they must have canceled the 12:15. So I kind of wandered my way back north and stopped at another church I thought might be open, Shrine of the Little Flower - at least I could pray at the tabernacle. No such luck. Closed. At least I finally got to read the engravings on the church, though.

Then I hung out at my mom's house with my sister. Ate lunch. Talked about humanities (as in classes, not groups of people).

Then I wandered away north east, taking Jefferson Ave north. I thought about going all the way to Port Huron, but that was getting boring. I headed home.

A few things I learned today:
- I will never help anyone if I don't get out of my car. Need to leave my comfort zone.
- I need to watch and listen better. I can respond to God's glory all I want, but I have no idea where his compassion is going.
- I have to slow down. Stick to the right lane. I could have helped out a woman struggling with a flat tire.
- I have to think a little faster. There was a family I saw ready to go to a Dairy Queen; I might have been able to treat them to it. There was a guy who was taking a look at buying a really old pickup truck; maybe he could have used a little cash.

Anyway, I failed my task for today. Tomorrow I get to try it in Brampton. Fun, fun, fun.

The return to "the real world" hasn't sunk in quite yet.

I have a chance to be home (that is, living in my house) for 5 consecutive days without a job to go to, without church related responsibilities, and without any other obligations to attend to. All I really have to do is take care of things around the house (particularly weeding), pay bills, and hang out. It's so "normal" that it's freaking me out.

And as I hang out, thought I enjoy the company, the activities seem so foreign. Buying breakfast seems like a chore, paying for coffee seems like a waste of money, eating sushi seems superfluous, watching a movie is too short a diversion. The thought of going shopping is unappealing, gameplaying a waste of effort, watching tv a waste of time.

Owning a home seems now like such a burden now... why did I ever do something as stupid as buying this place? Will I be able to sell this place when I need to? All of the visions I had of what my house be like are shattered, and I'm not really that interested in picking up the pieces.

All the things I've bought, especially over the past year... why did I buy any of it? Have I gained anything from any of it? How will I be able to pay off the debts? How will I break my spending habits? Is it time to start selling stuff on eBay? I probably wouldn't even make 20 cents on the dollar. Hopefully the lightsabers will mark the last worthless purchase I'll ever make. Hopefully.

I should start thinking about how it might be possible to abandon all my financial ruin... Overtime will have to be part of the answer, though I know that I'll have to start treasuring weekends off more and more as time goes by.

Also, I still have 49 more weeks of "Pay it forward" things to do, and I don't know where to look for what I affectionately think of as "victims". Should I start frequenting soup kitchens? Perhaps wander around malls? Drive around aimlessly? Walk around downtown areas? I figure I have until Friday to find my 2nd victim, but I don't want to wait around for one to come.

Let me precede with a story from mass on Wednesday morning down in Arizona... I'll come back to Phoenix later, but right now I'm more concerned with the possibility of priesthood. Before mass, a woman was coordinating extraordinary ministers because they weren't sure about how many concelebrating priests were going to be there. So, Pam and I volunteered to serve the blood (ie the wine after it has transsubstantiated). 20 seconds before the mass started, she tapped me on the shoulder and thanked me for volunteering... in other words, she didn't need me to serve. I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to serve.

I talked with my pastor this morning about priesthood, telling him how I've been praying about it since December, have been working on strengthening my prayer life, and about the passage from Matthew that was burned into my head. He told me that I would have nothing to lose from a year in seminary to think about it. He gave me a couple of Gospel passages to pray on, told me about a book I should read (which I can't find!), told me to start a regularly scheduled daily half-hour of prayer, to start journaling, and told me to call the diocese's vocations office.

I told the priest at the vocations office about my thoughts, and he asked me about my general situation, what had led to this point, etc. He asked me about my physical health, I also told him about the bipolar II diagnosis. He said that we will need to look at that further... I guess the possibilty never even occured to me (being a sadly proud person) that even if I really felt called, the church itself might decide that I'm not... what word am I looking for? Suitable, perhaps.

So, what if... What if I get rejected? What if my life were once again ruined by my bipolar disorder?

Anyway, I decided to start doing a paper journal for my prayer life. Not that I have anything to hide here, but I figured I might have to eventually get used to the idea of not having a PC...

In other news, my uncle died this morning. A heart attack, caused by a virus. I won't be able to make it to the funeral, which is down in South Carolina.

Also, I dropped my phone in a mud puddle. It's doing some funky stuff.