The Bipolar Otaku

Let's see... it's been almost a week! Geez. What to talk about...

Worked 12 hour days (or, I should say, nights) the rest of last week. Pretty much killed any useful free time.

Took a half day on Friday, went to a wedding, saw some old friends from college, serenaded the bride (old frat tradition).

Took my laptop out of my car but never pulled it out and logged in, because I found out that my cable got temporarily disconnected. Gotta pay all my bills one of these days!

Finally changed the air filter in my house. No wonder I had so many allergies at home!

Took a 200mg Seroquel along with 3 Bendryl on Friday night. Woke up 16 hours later.

As requested by the parish council, I went to church and took pictures of parishoners signing up for ministries and stuff.

Went to dinner to celebrate a gay friend's birthday. Had some wine with his boyfriend and one of his lesbian friends. She seemed like she was ready to start a fight when she saw my JP2 wristband... My friend also invited some other friends of ours, and he told them about his boyfriend for the first time.

Went to church and took some more pictures.

Had our first Life Night. Lots of games, lots of fun. Had a blast.

Went to group meeting this morning. Boss told me I couldn't skip my training session.

Went to training session on Facilitative Listening Skills, which was very similar to some class I took at my old job, except last time I recall spending a lot more time thinking about how to play spin doctor based upon the ways that people communicate. In other words, today, I learned how to listen without finding ways to twist truths.

Came back to Brampton.

Ate sushi, watched Flightplan, liked it.

Odd coincidence of the day: yesterday at the Life Night, some of the core were talking about Who's on First yesterday, and we were trying to name the positions. By some odd coincidence, we watched it a training class I went to today! Since I was trying to pay attention because of the conversation yesterday, I was also one of the few that actually caught all of the names.

To set the record straight: Who is on first, What is on second, I Don't Know is on third, Why is left field, Because is center field, Tomorrow is the pitcher, Today is catcher, and the right field goes unnamed (I assumed it was Costello, but I got yelled at for making assumptions!). I'm still pretty sure that right field was inferred by the fact that he was supposed to be playing on the team, but the teacher didn't think they said he was going to be playing. However, looking at the first line of the script...

posted by JT  # 11:55:00 PM 3 comments

Seeing as 4 of us are stuck out here in Brampton, and we are splitting into dayshift and nightshift today, the 4 of us went downtown last night for some drinks and dinner. One of them decided that the Hard Rock Cafe would be the place to go, and we got a table out on the sidewalk.

Just to put things in perspective, one of the guys always talks about how much he hates Chicago, because the time that he was there, he sat out on a sidewalk table and his food got stolen by a beggar, as he called him "a human seagull".

So we are sitting there having a few beers (except me, who volunteered to drive so I drank about 10 glasses of Diet Coke) and ate dinner. A man walked up to me and mumbled something. The three other guys just continued their conversation and one even put up his hand to blind himself from the guy. Sure, I know I owed my $10 for last week but for some reason, I didn't want to do it. He just stood there and he continued to mumble at me. I finally figured out he said he wanted a coffee. I was going to give him a couple loonies instead of the $10 that sat ready in my jacket pocket. Why? Instead of reaching for my coins, I asked him his name (Eli) and gave him his $10.

The joked about it, telling me I'm just a big softy and the guy saw right through me. They didn't know about my $500. But they just kept on joking about it...

I was also wondering when I stopped telling them I was praying for them. When did I become so reluctant about doing the $10 thing at all?

Anyway, I don't start work until 4pm. It's 1pm now, so I ought to shower and eat breakfast...

Well, yes, that was what I was supposed to get, two weeks at home before heading up to Brampton for my last 2 week Canadian trip. But, I got a call from my boss saying that I'm needed ASAP in Brampton, so I'm going back tomorrow. I'll coming back for the weekend, then going up for 2 weeks, coming back for a weekend, then finally staying home for two weeks (yeah, right). Then I'll be in Belvidere until Christmas(maybe as many as 5 weekends off somewhere in there, including Thanksgiving).

Yet, I signed the covenant for Core members... I said that I wasn't going to, because I can't make the full commitment, but I really think I need to be more committed to that than ever before. Over the summer, the core team has suddenly been reduced from 16 strong to "10-ish". So, basically any time I spend in town for the rest of this year will probably be focused on the youth group. Will this be enough? Maybe, maybe not.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I really think that's half the problem. I ought to know that I alone will be capable of doing nothing, but Christ working through me that will accomplish much. I'm guessing this is part of the reason I've had such motivational issues lately, because I expect myself to do great things and it feels overwhelming. I can't do it.

But really, I don't have to. All I have to do is be open to doing what I'm called to do, to go where I'm called to go, to pray when I'm called to pray. I have to stop giving in to despair and start giving in to God. Even if I'm not called to be an ordained priest, I'm still called through Baptism to be a minister whereever I am, to proclaim the Gospels at all times and - as St Francis of Assisi said - "when necessary use words".


I was late for mass this morning, mostly because I started doing things that I shouldn't have been doing. So, having missed the first reading, I just didn't feel like I really fully participated in the mass. Just another reminder that what I do has consequences. When I know what the right thing to do is but continue to do something that I know is wrong, the consequences may be eternal.

St Augustine said in his Confessions, "As a youth... I prayed to you for chastity and said 'Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.'" Time for me to stop praying for grace tomorrow and time to start praying for grace now. I keep saying that I should stop buying things so that I'd at least have some remote chance of paying off my credit cards, but it's really time to do it. I keep saying that I have to break off some addictions, but it's really time to do it. I keep saying that I need to pray more, but it's really time to do it. Learning more about the faith is a start, but living it is the key.

Beloved, this saying is trustworthy:
whoever aspires to the office of bishop desires a noble task.
Therefore, a bishop must be irreproachable,
married only once, temperate, self-controlled,
decent, hospitable, able to teach,
not a drunkard, not aggressive, but gentle,
not contentious, not a lover of money.
He must manage his own household well,
keeping his children under control with perfect dignity;
for if a man does not know how to manage his own household,
how can he take care of the Church of God?
He should not be a recent convert,
so that he may not become conceited
and thus incur the Devil’s punishment.
He must also have a good reputation among outsiders,
so that he may not fall into disgrace, the Devil’s trap.

Similarly, deacons must be dignified, not deceitful,
not addicted to drink, not greedy for sordid gain,
holding fast to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience.
Moreover, they should be tested first;
then, if there is nothing against them,
let them serve as deacons.
Women, similarly, should be dignified, not slanderers,
but temperate and faithful in everything.
Deacons may be married only once
and must manage their children and their households well.
Thus those who serve well as deacons gain good standing
and much confidence in their faith in Christ Jesus.
1 Timothy 3:1-13

Paul doesn't exactly tell Timothy what priests should be like, but I guess it would make sense that they lived up to the same standards as bishop. Let's see...
Irreproachable? I don't think I am.
Married only once? Not married at all.
Temperate? Pretty much.
Self-controlled? Occasionally.
Decent? Yes.
Hospitable? Besides a lack of basic conversational skills, yes.
Able to teach? Yes.
Not a drunkard? Not any more.
Not aggressive? Never.
Gentle? Yes.
Not contentious? Not explicitly.
Not a lover of money? Not really a lover of money, but a lover of things that money can buy.
Manages his own household well? Umm... no.
Keeps his children under control with perfect dignity? Don't know
Not a recent convert? Well, kind of recently re-converted...
Not conceited? No.
A good reputation among outsiders? Yes.

Eh... Well, I don't exactly fit the bill, do I?

After the "walk" I started driving home. This was the longest drive home ever. I was sooooooo tired! I stopped at least 4 times at different exits, parked in random parking lots and tried to take naps. It took me about 6 hours to get home, though it normally takes me just a little over 3 hours.

There was a fundraiser in Brampton this morning, which some of the Filipinos I met a few weeks ago had suggested I go to. The fundraiser was a walk to collect money to build houses in the Phillipines. I came, registered, paid, and then walked back to my car. Much to lazy and much too sore to do that kind of stuff right now. But it did give me a chance to meet one of the girls again, and get her phone number.Good enough, right?

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." - The Usual Suspects

I'm not sure what to think of this movie quite yet. But I had to watch it.

I'm guessing that most of the audience was expecting something else. Despite numerous reviews to explain that it really is more of an intellectual and theological review (ie a court case) of an exorcism that eventually led to a girl's death. Yet the audience seemed rawdy and ready for a horror flick - talking most of the way through the movie, screams when they weren't warranted, outright laughing at the not-so-terrifying parts, etc. I couldn't really decypher the discussions after the movie, but I really didn't care about their opinions.

Actually, the US Council of Bishops does a pretty good review, also talking somewhat about the real story behind the story, though it would nice if the Church had made a more definitive stance than "The narrative tone remains respectful of Catholic tenets and rituals." I would assume that the church is not willing to make a definitive stance of whether or not the girl (the real one, Annaliese Michel in Germany) was or was not possessed, especially so many years after her death (July 30, 1976).

What I do know is that the Church acknowledges the existance of demons. Jesus, in the Gospels, often drives out demons and tasks his apostles to do the same. However, modern medicine and science often assumes that the demons of the past are really just mental illnesses, figuring that driving out demons the only way He could explain how he's curing these mentally ill. I've never known of a mental illness (like multiple personality disorder) that gave itself a name (like Legion) before being cured (or driven out), but hey, what would God know about abnormal psychology?

Some people will use the fact that the rite of exorcism isn't a Sacrament as recognized by the church. Okay, but most of the people who would point that out probably don't recognize what the seven Sacraments are in the first place, but what is true is that the rite of exorcism is an approved sacramental (not the same as a sacrament) and is an approved ritual with the permission of the bishop, and it makes it an explicit point to ensure that there is a real demonic possession and not a mental illness. Bummer... I can't just get exorcised and finally be done with this illness.

Anyway, I have met someone who has participated in an exorcism. Though most of the events shown in the movie could been explained away through speculative explations of epilepsy combined with psychosis, I have been told that actual demonic events could include levitation (not in the movie), impossible facial distortions (as explained, far beyond anything shown in the movie), speaking extensively and proficiently in tongues which the possessed could not have been exposed to (though they do explain that "Emily" could have learned a little bit of Aramaic, Greek, Latin, Hebrew, and German, shouldn't it have been important to know that she wasn't proficient in all of those languages?), and other things which couldn't be discussed.

I'm not exactly sure I buy the "The drug made the ritual impossible" arguement, though. And there were some other things that I wonder really happened or not, such as the stigmata that appeared near the end of her life. Plus, the movie doesn't really define what the parents thought before or after the court case (in the real case, the parents had to convince the priests to perform the exorcisms [plural] which eventually led to the parents being on trial also).

The message that I thought the movie is trying to convey is simply that demons are as real as angels, that Satan is (unfortunately) as real as God.

But, the important thing to remember is that the poor fallen angel really has no power over the faithful. There is a story of one of the saints, Padre Pio, who had often been tormented and tempted (though never possessed) by demons - one story was that these demons had been picking up and smashing things in his room. He turned on lights and found Satan himself. He looked at him and said "Oh, it's only you", turned off the lights and went back to sleep. I guess the point is that if we really were true to the faith (which, admittedly, most of us aren't even if we try to be), that Satan has no power over us.

Oh, but yeah, about the movie? Um... I'm still not sure what to think about it.

I had a dream last night. While I got into my car, I found a rosary bead on my seat. It looked like my rosary had been disconnecting and reconnecting itself and my decades were becoming nintets (or whatever the heck you'd call them).

Interpretation: why aren't you praying the rosary anymore?

Everyday at 5:30 or so, I wake up completely renewed.
Everyday at 6:30 or so, I feel energized and ready for
anything.
Everyday at 7:00, I arrive at work.
Everyday by 7:15, I drag myself to the coffeemaker.
Everyday by 7:30, I apply pressure to my temples,
trying to drive away the coming headache.
Everyday by 8:00, I mourn the fact that I left the
bottle of Advil in my car.
Everyday by 9:00, I wish that my muscles would
disappear.
Everyday by 10:00, I finally decide that the pain of
walking out to my car for Advil is worth it.
Everyday by 11:00, I regret ever waking up.
Everyday by 12:00, I regret eating lunch.
Everyday by 1:00, I stare at my watch hoping the time
will move faster.
Everyday by 1:30, I still look at my watch.
Everyday by 2:00, I wonder if my meeting was
cancelled.
Everyday by 2:30, I am disgusted by the horrible
yawning and sighing I do every 5 minutes.
Everyday by 3:00, I ponder going to the pharmacy and
buying some codeine.
Everyday by 4:00, I yearn for bed
Everyday by 5:00, I prepare to smash my head into a
well, until I realize that it's time to go home.
Everyday by 5:30, I get back to the hotel.
Everyday by 6:00, I'm ready for a big dinner.
Everyday by 6:30, I want to go out and do something
exciting.
Everyday by 8:00, I wonder where the pain went.
Everyday by 10:00, I don't feel like going to bed
because there's too much I want to do.
Everyday by 12:00, I decide not to take my Seroquel
again.
Everyday by 1:00, I wonder why I watch TV when nothing
is on.
Everyday by 1:05, I wonder why I started watching TV
again.
Everyday at 1:30, I declare the day a waste and hope
to be renewed in the morning. Lights out.

This isn't a good trend.

The movie, I mean. Well, I guess I was expecting just another negative look on someone suffering from depression and the violence they create in everyone's life... instead, I find myself listening to interior dialogue which I'm sure that I've echoed and situations I've mirrored, over and over in my life... but never quite that bad. But still, it always felt that bad.

The part that struck me the deepest was when she decided about this guy: "Rafe didn't seem to realize, he'd just been appointed to save my life." Isn't that what I expect from all my friends, expecially women I want to go out with? Is that why most of my friendships dissolve, because I expect nothing less than emotional salvation from each of them?

Anyway, considering how well it seemed to capture my own feelings, it seemed like a fair look at clinical unipolar depression. I guess the real test would be if someone "normal" understood depression after seeing it. But I liked it, and I'm sure it'll end up watching it again when I need some outer perspective on my own life. It's next on my DVD wish list.

I go home on Friday or Saturday, and it's now official that I get to stay home two whole weeks! What am I going to do? I feel as much a stranger to my own house as I feel here. The biggest difference is that there's no one there to make my bed or to keep my towels clean...

But whatever; I'm excited to spend some time at home. I think I need it. In the three days until I get there, though, I'll probably have to work my ass off, pull long hours and do some swing-shifts. Prepare for turbulence.

I just celebrated my first Labour Day. Sure, I've celebrated many Labor Days, but never in Canadia. So how was this day different from any other? Umm.... Well, it's Labor Day, so naturally I laborred. Or labourred, perhaps... I don't know.

Frightfully boring day at work. Long too, since I was held in captivity until I saw production start back up. My MP3 player's batteries died pretty quickly (perhaps I should buy a new one!) so I took my spare time to read an Encyclical from JP2 (Fides et Ratio - sounds like casual reading, huh?). Plus I thought of some interesting projects to create like autonomous electric vehicles (including helicoptors eventually) and a database system to make it easier to study Bible and Cathechism passages by showing all the crossreferences as you go. Meanwhile I keep wondering how far I'm going to carry this priesthood idea (I'm not sure how to react to the idea of "giving up on God"), why I always find people around me telling me that I'd be a great whatever (I've got a lot of potential, which sadly goes to waste), how I can prove to myself that this disease can be overcome with faith and reason (I can do all things through He who strengthens me, right?), why I am always surprised when I find out about the compliments that are said about me behind my back (I still have lingering self-esteem issues), how I will always find myself in positions where employers won't want to let me go (my work ethic requires me to find ways to be useful to everyone, even if I don't like doing what I do), what I want to be when I grow up (in the end: a saint; but until then: who knows), why I haven't quit my job yet (hestiance of leaving the life I have), what the sources of my paranoias are (I have paranoias???), and other questions (and answers) which I have long since forgotten.

Anyway... I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but my boss has me scheduled to spend 2 whole weeks at home. I'm kind of disappointed, and I find the feeling confusing. I complain about being on the road all the time, so why wouldn't I want the time at home?

I set my weekly schedule for giving money from Saturday to Friday. I procrastinated all last week, so I didn't get around to it. I even tried to drive around on Friday night, but I couldn't find anyone to give money to. So I went downtown again last night... in other words, my week 10 is a day late.

I walked up and down Yonge Street, back and forth across Queen, King, John, Richmond, everywhere... I couldn't find anyone. Finally I took a subway back down to Union station. I found John. He was nervous when I talked to him. He even pulled back his hat when I approached, even though I watched him take some money from someone else. I think he thought I was an unmarked cop. But, instead of giving him a hassle, I gave him $20.