The Bipolar Otaku

The nice thing about being out here in Belvidere is that, so far (ie this past week), the entire trip has felt like a retreat. I mean, besides being at work for 12 hours of the day, I spend much of it reading and studying the bible and theology, I spend time after work praying and reading more. Everything is at a relaxed pace, and I don't have much worries about anything. The only things lacking in the epxerience are a retreat leader and people to share the experience with.

When I went to church today, I actually thought about going to the youth minister and offering to help, but instead it occured to me that this time would perhaps be best used to just pray and learn. Serving will come at another time.

Well, I sent an email to that one vocations director I met a few weeks ago, stating my situation. As I kind of expected, he told me they can't take me. However, he also said I should keep looking. I guess that's what the other vocations directors have said, too. Hmm... I wonder why this time it sounded so... um, kind? It must have been my own feelings that injected the feeling of rejection last time around.

In any case, I'm just about done with my application to grad school. I just need to finish up my little essay and submit it. Well, then I need to send out a fax for my transcripts, send out an email asking for recommendation letters, and finally wait.

This is an often quoted line from Paul, but the context of it is often skipped. Why is Paul capable of all things? Not just of being strengthen by Christ, but as importantly why Christ was able to strengthen him - he was content with his situation.

For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, to be content therewith. I know both how to be brought low, and I know how to abound: (everywhere, and in all things I am instructed) both to be full, and to be hungry; both to abound, and to suffer need. I can do all these things in him who strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:11-13

Oddly enough, the line that I've been thinking about all week is not 4:13, but 4:11 - For I have learned to be content in in whatever state I am. And yesterday, I think I heard it on the radio twice and read the passage in 3 different books. Odd coincidence...

Anyway, this is what is different about this trip out to Belvidere. Though I actually better liked visiting Brampton and Toronto, and I preferred the drive to Brampton over the drive to Belvidere, I never was happy about being there because I never chose to accept the fact that I was supposed to be there! On the other hand, I'm out here in Belvidere, with a renewed understanding that my job is important, that I'm here for a reason, that I have a lot that I can gain from the situation, that I may have opportunities to help around here, that I'll be okay away from my friends and family, that my friends and family will be okay without me around... in other words, I am content with my current state. I will learn to live in abundance and I will learn to live in humble circumstance. I will learn the secret of living well fed and of starving. I will learn to live in abundance and in need.

But I'm starving right now... well, technically, I'm fasting. Or at least preparing for fasting. Over the past few months I got used to eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but have wanted to go back to the classic tradition of fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays. I'm not exactly sure how I intend on fasting (abstaining from meat? no snacks? no eating whatsoever? single meal?). Today, I had a couple of egg sandwiches and a couple of muffins for breakfast, a salad and veggie soup for lunch, and no dinner. I figure that if I skip any meal, I ought to skip dinner first and breakfast second. Going out to lunch gives me a break from work that I'd rather not lose. I think I should make my fasting routine as a single meal at lunchtime - no meat or fish, no eggs (except as an ingredient, like in bread), no excessive sweets, and no pop; dairy will be okay. Maybe I'll actually start that on Friday. Today is just a warmup.

Also, I think I'm going to try to start doing daily Holy Hours. One of the local churches has a perpetual adoration shrine, which is a wonderful thing. I went there today instead going to dinner, which worked out nicely.

I'd like to start doing the Liturgy of the Hours, but I'm not even sure exactly how to do it. It also seems like it's pretty time consuming, as much as going to daily mass would be. I'd actually rather go to daily mass, but unlike Brampton, daily masses seems to be almost exclusively held in the morning, while I'm supposed to be at work.

I am also excited about this parish out here, Holy Family. It looks like it has a pretty sizable Life Teen program, so I can't wait to see how their Sunday Life Teen mass is.

As I stopped for gas near Ann Arbor today, I saw a man with a cardboard sign "Homeless..." etc. standing at the end of the exit ramp, but he was on the far left and I was taking a right turn. Since the gas station was right next to the ramp, I figured that I'd be able to go meet him after I finished fueling up. But while I was still gassing up, I saw him walking behind the gas station. I followed him over and saw him getting into a car. Nothing extravagent, an older (early 90's) Chevy minivan.

But then I looked at the tabs - renewed in August of this year? Well, hmmm... I can't remember how much it costed to renew my tabs, but I didn't think you could register a plate without a home. And if things were that bad, I think I would have spent the money buying food, not registering my car.

Well, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. In any case, I didn't take the time to ask him what the story was. But I also didn't give him any money. If he had only waited another 10 minutes...

Well, I've just started my residency in Illinois. The drive was long (7 hours), but not horribly so, although the toll booth every 10 minutes in Illinois is rather annoying. I'm in a Hampton Inn, which doesn't have the kitchen like the Homewood Suites I'm used to (but I hardly ever used anyway) and I don't have a DVD player included with the room, either, so the internet connection, shower, and bed will probably be the only things here that use anyway.

Well, I guess it's time to get lost! In a good way, of course. Time to drive around and see what there is to see and eat what there is to eat.

I've been thinking about just taking some online theology classes from Franciscan University in Steubenville. I kind of figured that the education itself would be useful, especially if I ever choose to get more involved in a parish, but also that they classes might just take care of some pre-requisites if I ever get accepted into a seminary. Anyway, I need 3 recommendation letters, so I sent 3 emails out to ask some people if they'd write one for me. One responded immediately, but the other two never got back to me... until yesterday. 3 weeks after asking, both of them sent me an email within an hour of each other. Of course they all agreed to write letters for me.

Tonight I went to a Holy Hour at St Michael's. I found out about it through one of the local young adult groups called Frassati. Afterward, they served some pizza and I met some of the other young adults from around the Archdiocese. Two of them asked if I was a seminarian. Why? Because I was wearing a cross. I'm standing there amongst a whole crowd of faithful Catholics, and they ask me if I'm a seminarian because I'm wearing a cross???? One of them even suggested that maybe I'm supposed to pick up a message there. I just smiled; she didn't need to know that I knocked on that door already.

I also met a young man from New Orleans, who had been going to a seminary down there but now has transferred to Sacred Heart up here. Coincidently, he and I both have the same spiritual director (who happens to be the pastor of my church). He isn't sure whether or not he wants to become a priest, but has nothing hindering him from entering the seminary; I'm pretty sure I want to, but I can't get in. When I described my situation, he just said, "maybe that's one way God is preventing you from doing something that you'd end up hating anyway". Well... maybe, but I don't think so. Although, I do have to admit that I'd probably find the job extremely stressful, just from the standpoint of having to deal with people.

This morning I got a voicemail from my boss. Apparently someone in my company was fuming in a meeting about the fact that the supplier that I've been babysitting for the past few months has reported that they weren't being supported.

What????? Didn't I mention that I babysit them, almost literally? I sit there 10-12 hours a day, tell them how to run their shop because they don't have a clue how to run it themselves, tell them everything that needs to be ready, when it needs to be ready, in order to make the dates that we need. I guess that's not supporting them!

So, when I finally got to the supplier's shop floor this morning, I "calmly" walked in, told them "Is this working yet? Is that? That? That? Why isn't this ready yet? When will that be ready? How do you want me to support something you're not ready to support?" I never raised my voice, but everyone who saw me knew immediately - I was fuming. No rage, no yelling, but still fuming. I knew that all I had to do was to show them that they were clearly flat on their ass (and still are) and they have no grounds and no basis of attacking me.

But I guess the whole thing was a misunderstanding. The supplier said he just said they were doing such and such and that I just happened to not be there at the time... Well, someone else told me he pulls that kind of crap all the time, and he wanted me to use this as an opportunity to hammer them with details (which I knew wouldn't work anyway), but instead I just decided to let it go. Actually, instead of just letting it go, I joked about it with them the rest of the day (I exhibited my ability to support a chair, the floor, the building columns, etc and suggested that I should support a cot tomorrow).

I guess I'm easy.

So, exactly what are you supposed to say when your supplier's software programmer decides that she has had enough with the stupid project, shakes your hand saying "It's been nice working with you" with tears in her eyes, and quits and walks out at 9:55 in the morning?

The right thing to say is probably not "Take it easy..." Just a guess. Perhaps one of these days, I'll actually discover the fine art of talking to people. Then again, perhaps not.

Our youth group went to Cedar Point for the Life Teen Inspiration Tour. I left home at 6:30am and got home at 4:00am. For a late October weekend, the park was got extremely busy... We got to get on a few rides early in the day, but because of the way they laid out the schedule, we basically had to skip any ride with anything longer than a 1 hour wait. The Life Teen events were awesome though. The mass was wonderful (as always?) and the praise and worship session was amazing too. But when we were originally supposed to leave (at 11), we found out the bus had broken down and we were waiting for a new bus to come from Monroe (about another hour wait) so we told the kids they can go back into the park until close. Then some of them didn't show up so we had to wait for them... So we ended up staying much longer than planned....

So tired....

I don't know how else to describe it, right now. But yesterday, it was almost like my head had a stomach ache and didn't want to eat what I was feeding it anymore. Guess I should take a break once in a while! So much for praying constantly...

The strangest thing happened Sunday morning. It was 3:30 or so in the morning and I was having a conversation with 8 people, who were seated in a circle around me. I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, since I was a little behind in the conversation. But the conversation was obviously very pertanent to me, and I was trying desperately to come to an understanding. They group was somehow divided about the topic, and I knew that I had a side to take. Whichever side I took would basically reflect my entire life from here on out. I even knew which side to take! But I still had no idea what we were talking about... I had the Truth on my side. Here was an opportunity for salvation - I just had to speak out and declare the Truth! But instead all I did was whip my head around from person to person as their conversation flew over my head.

I mean that literally... the conversation was flying over my head, because my head was down this entire time. Then I woke up. I actually spent another minute in bed whipping my head around, trying to still watch the conversation take place. However, the spaces where they sat were now empty. But I thought for a few moments, if I can just figure out what they were conversing about, I can figure out what I'm supposed to do!

Finally, after a few more neck whips, I realized that I just need to trust God. If there was a message in the dream, it was simply that the Truth would be with me.

I went back to sleep in peace. Too peacefully, to tell the truth. I woke up later than I expected and barely made it to work on time.

Tadaima! I'm home for 2 weeks, and yesterday was my first friday at home!

Also, it's the first Friday that I decided to fast. Sure, it's not Lent, but the tradition really is that Christians used to fast every Wednesday and Friday all year round, except major feast days. We'll have to see if I can really keep at least the tradition of fasting every Friday.

Being the first Friday of the month, it was also a special mass for the Sacred Heart of Jesus, which a young adult group called Frassati meets at. So, for once having the time to go and being in the right area, I went and met a bunch of Catholic young adults. Interesting group, most of them very involved in the archdiocese, including at least 2 that were taking classes at the seminary (though not necessarily seminarians). Since the conversation they had at my table (at Big Boy after mass) was mostly about their opinions on what they hope the outcome will be from the current synod and their hopes of Pope Bene16... well, I'll admit I was pretty much lost in the conversation. But it was interesting anyway.

On the other hand, it isn't exactly what I think the young adults at my parish needs, so starting a new group suited to their needs still might be the best answer.

Why does this strange phenomenon occur? What causes it? O Lord in your mercy give me light to see, for it may be that the answer to my question lies in the secret punishment of man and in the penitence which casts a deep shadow on the sons of Adam. Why does this strange phenomenon occur? What causes it? The mind gives an order to the body and is at once obeyed, but when it gives an order to itself, it is resisted. The mind commands the hand to move and is so readily obeyed that the order can scarcely be distinguished from its execution. Yet the mind is mind and the hand is part of the body. But when the mind commands the mind to make an act of will, these two are one and the same and yet the order is not obeyed. Why does this happen? What is the cause of it? The mind orders itself to make an act of will, and it would not give this order unless it willed to do so; yet it does not carry out its own command. But it does not fully will to do this thing and therefore its orders are not fully given. It gives the order only in so far as it wills, and in so far as it does not will the order is not carried out. For the will commands that an act of will should be made, and it gives this command to iteself, not to some other will. The reason, then, why the command is not obeyed is that it is not given the full will. For if the will were full, it would not command itself to be full, since it would be so already. It is therefore no strange phenomenon partly to will to do something and partly to will not to do it. It is a disease of the mind, which does not wholly rise to the heights where it is lifted by the truth, because it is weighed down by habit. So there are two ills in us because neither by itself is the whole ill and each possess what the other lacks. Book VIII ch 9

When I was trying to reach a decision about serving the Lord my God, as I had long intended to do, it was I who willled to take this course and again it was I who willed not to take it. It was I and I alon. But neither willed to do it nor refused to do it with my full will. So I was at odds with myself. I was throwing myself into confusion. All this happened to me although I did not want it, but it did not prove that there was some second mind in me besides my own. It only meant that my mind was being punished. My action did not come from me, but from the sinful principle that dwells within me. (Rom. 7:17) It was part of the punishment of a sin freely committed by Adam, my first father. Book VIII ch 10

As I continue reading about St Augustine, I keep finding more and more similarities with my own life: A man plagued by bad habits of a sinful life, one of lust and material wants, one of pride and poor theology, until around the age of 30 where he realizes he is called for something else...

But things are different these days. Back then, such bad habits probably would have been blamed on weakness of will and poor temperament. These days, it's either a chemical imbalance or a miswiring (can't quite be certain...). Back then, the only hope was a solid education in philosophy, a good formation of character, and a dedication to prayer. These days, the answer seems to be pills and therapy. Well, I guess that in either age, there was always the alternative, which was to just give in to the trappings of your own mind and the snares of the world.

In any case, maybe the cures of old could still work in some cases. Is it safe for me to put my faith in God? Should not his Grace be sufficient for me as it was for Paul? Can I not just accept my weakness? "Gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. For which cause I please myself in my infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ. For when I am weak, then am I powerful." (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Or am I simply brainwashing myself? And would that actually be a bad thing if I did brainwash myself? Well, okay, so maybe brainwashing isn't the buzzword for it today... in some other time, they probably called it formation, but now they probably call it self-visualization or some crap. But essentially the same... well, except in my case, it's through processing loads and loads of books and information and imposing myself to prayer, rather than some zen meditation about picturing my golf club hitting the ball or instilling myself with the confidence to overachieve in business by undercutting everyone around me.

'Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for these desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire; well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisify it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, to never despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, to never mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same.'
- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Well, let me first say that I don't plan on shutting down my blog... At least not anytime in the immediate future. But this did seem like the correct title for this entry.

However, I do have to think about what has changed... Since I started this blog, most of my thoughts arranged themselves into blog entries. Granted, I forgot many of those entries before I had a chance to write them down, but for everything I did, it was always about "How can I write this one down???" This is not so true these days. On the other hand, I thought seriously about several different titles for this blog, so perhaps things haven't changed too much. Yet.

Now, all of my thoughts are back to "What should I do now?" These days, I'm unhappy with the way I've chosen to lead my life, frustrated with my job, struggling with the positive and negative affects of my illness, and avoiding change despite the costs.

The positive affects... yeah, there are positives. Depression sucks, but the manias are priceless. Well, at least they would be if they could be used positively. These days, I'm focusing less on what I want and more on what I should do with what I already have. But to really look at that, I have to look at both sides of that statement.

1) What do I want? To be happy. Seems like such a cliche answer... but hey, it's the simple truth.

2) What do I have? A flabby body shaped from bad allergies and asthma. A sharp mind shapped by decades of untreated hypomanic episodes. A set of fears shaped by decades of untreated depressive episodese. A job that pays really well but works excessive hours and unbearable amounts of travel. A good and supportive family. A mixed bag of friends. Belief in God. Strengths and weaknesses, talents and corruptions, beliefs and doubts, traits and quirks, all resultant of everything above.

The difficult question is what would make me happy? And how do I get there using what I have? Well, I'm not going to get into that here and now, but this is where I am in my life right now.