The Bipolar Otaku

Well, I've been thinking...

This line of thinking isn't a bad direction, but it isn't a good one either. It seems useful to recognize, but probably harmful to harp upon too much.

The thought is this: What influence do I actually have on people? What if my influence is negative? What if, by trying my hardest to do everything I think I should do, I unwittingly convince people to no try to do everything they should do? What if, by trying to be a good person, I am turning others away from trying to be good people?

I don't think of myself as a "good" person, only as someone who tries. I know I have flaws, major ones. I know I still end up looking at some people as merely objects that are otherwise useful to my pursuits, objects that are in my way, or objects that are simply nice to look at. Though I recognize that I am simply supposed to love everyone, I look at them and try to figure out what is happening in their lives without asking them. Without me really judging them (at least not consciously), I wonder if they think I condemn them. Though I know I am supposed to help people, I look at them and try to figure out if they will help me by showing me I am supposed to help them. I find it difficult to relate to people... or at least I condescendingly assume that people find it difficult to relate to me. I find it hard to imagine why friends would want to call me their friend. These are all things within me that I know that I need to improve, or more correctly, I need to let God improve within me. I feel certain that the roots of my faith are in solid ground... but I simply doubt myself.

This isn't a depression. I'm still happy with my life; a little frustrated with feelings of uselessness, which very well might be the source of my self-doubts. I am content (more or less) with what I have. I feel blessed with all I have been given.

All of these questions aren't just some off-the-wall, baseless doubts, either. There are just a lot of little things that I wouldn't be able to point out specifically, that make me wonder if I am actually picking up on a real vibe or if I am reading things that aren't really there. The pattern is subtle, but certain indicators are there.

But what if I am catching on to something real? Exactly what am I supposed to do about it? If I really believe that my recent thoughts actually have some valid basis in the truth, I obviously can't compromise that. On the other hand, if I really don't relate to the people around me anymore, I can't exactly ignore that either. So... what do I do?

On Manica's blog, someone mentioned this news article (Manic-depressives find support, solace on Web)because she was among those quoted. It's pretty cool that the bipolar blogging community is getting some attention. They are an amazing bunch.

I can't, for the life of me, remember why I put this series on the top of my Netflix queue. But now that I'm starting to watch it, I think I want to buy it.

The premise kind of sounds like an anti-Joan of Arcadia, and by anti- I mean of a similar nature but opposite direction. Instead of finding God talk to her through random people who suggest to her what to do, the main character Jaye instead finds some unknown spirits (probably lead by the Maid of the Mist - supposedly a native American princess who sacrificed herself to the god of Niagra Falls) talking to her through inanimate objects (wax figures, pink flamingos, etc.) who tell her what to do.

I'll admit that I really like Joan of Arcadia. It's a really touching and interesting series, I especially like it since it's God focused. This series, on the other hand, in some level, seems like it could be a satire of Joan of Arcadia. Though I don't exactly agree with the moral decisions it encourages, the series is funny. Really funny. Doesn't beat out Dead Like Me, but close.

Well, I'm glad I went. Coming out of high school, I had major cynicism regarding the foolishness of my classmates. Fools will make the wise look foolish. Of the people I talked to (which was most everyone, except for the people who seemed intent only on partying and getting drunk), I was probably the most foolishly connected with my job, by far working the most hours, and the most vocally discontent with that job.

However, the entire thing was all around eye-openning. Some that I thought would be very secular seemed surprisingly religious. Some that I thought were very straight-laced goody-goodies in high school (like myself), I found out things that really didn't fit the person I imagined them to be. Many acted and talked exactly like they did in high school, but this time I recognized within those people a much deeper set of values than I had anticipated. If I hadn't already had faith in the goodness of people, I would have rediscovered it here.

Interestingly enough, one of my good friends actually asked me if I was thinking about becoming a priest or a monk. I answered honestly why it probably wouldn't happen (ie a history of mental illness), which surprised her. She wasn't the first person to jokingly tell me they wanted too make a new church just so I could be a priest there.

I had a good time. The only thing I jokingly complained about was my family. My sister-in-law (who graduated with me) and my brother came in. Three things were immediately distressing about this.
1) 10 years later, and I return to being my brother's little brother.
2) My brother was there.
3) My INLAWS were there!
Well, it was worth joking about.

A surprising number of pregnant classmates were there (at least 8?). Only a few that I knew of had gotten a divorce (and I pray that it stays that that number never increases). It made me realize how many girls I had crushes on when I was in high school. It also made me realize how much I underestimate people.

Anyway, some of them were going out to the bar afterward, but I didn't go. After all, I have to go to work tomorrow (being the money-grubbing person that I am [j/k]).

Tonight's the night.

Tonight I get to revisit the past 10 years. Tonight I look back at old familiar (and now unfamiliar) faces. Tonight I reflect upon my life 10 years ago. Tonight I revisit the ideas that ran through my head in high school. Tonight I get to piece back together my mental state from 1995 to try to see exactly what I chose to do back then and consider how I've lived up to those intents. Tonight I go to my 10 year reunion.

Thinking back to the 12th grade, I still recognize some of the things I was thinking back then. I find some of my ideas back then ironic.

I didn't just graduate, I left high school. I didn't want to be remembered and didn't want to remember it. I didn't take senior pictures, didn't go back to pick up my yearbook. I went to a college where I knew that almost none of my classmates would go to. 3 months later, I found myself "finger"ing college servers trying to track down all of my classmate's email addresses to get back in touch with them. Before long, I realized that many didn't remember who I was.

I was still "sane" back then. Sure, I almost blew my brains out Junior year, but I knew I didn't need a psychologist. Maybe I was right, maybe what I really needed was something solid to believe in.

People told me I'd be a great professor. I was (and still am) open to the idea. They figured that 20 years from then, it'd be my textbook that was being used to teach high school Calculus. I told them I was going to publish 2 books: a big textbook on Calc, and a tiny text book on philosophy.

The job I really wanted was to be a philosopher. However, getting into a subject which is completely ignored in public schools just wasn't a realistic option. What little I knew of philosophy back then was that it was a subject for people who wanted to sit around and discuss nothing, because from my perspective back then, any attempts at it's true purpose, which is to discover truth, was impossible since truth is just a matter of perspective. I know now that that perspective was wrong. Philosophy really is a search for the truth. Truth is really knowable and is not just a matter of perspective (although perspectives really blind us if we aren't thinking rationally). Philosophy is the highest form of natural science (not just idle speculation), the highest form of philosophy is metaphysics, and the highest form of metaphysics is natural religion.

I thought about going into priesthood back then. I rejected the notion because 1) I never really thought of priests as actual people and 2) there was no money in the field of religion. I didn't actually think that celebacy would be an issue, but actually thought that maybe it'd be a good thing to not ever have to deal with a wife and family. Basically, my sense of what life was supposed to be like was completely warped by the society I lived in. So back then, I rejected priesthood; now it rejects me. Fair enough.

The approach to religion that I was told back then basically separated us away from actually religion. Religion was basically made into a taboo word! We were told that we were supposed to have faith in ourselves, others, and God, but we were never told who or what God was, only some of the things that the bible said, and those things were usually only taught as they pertained to someone's perspective of teenage life. In other words, the approach to religion that we were given never had a solid foundation, because we were minimally exposed to any religion at all. So I left my religion behind too. I realized that there was nothing there for me. The idea of being the prodigal son (who took half his inheritence and squandered it) appealed to me. And I look back and know that it was the right thing to do, because there was nothing there. By leaving, I separated myself from a groundless non-theology based on a non-philosophy. Like the prodigal son, I eventually returned and found myself returning to a much more solid religion, one that actually made sense!

I went to become an engineer, because I knew I'd make money doing it. I was right, but it took me a while to realize that money wasn't everything. Fortunately, I didn't achieve all my goals in engineering: I never found a job in aerospace or in Silicon Valley like I originally intended. I'd probably have hated those jobs. Besides, I'm still happy with living in Michigan (at least when I get to live in Michigan).

So tonight's the 10 year reunion. And since my sister-in-law is a classmate of mine, my brother is going to be there too. I don't really plan on hanging out with them, though... She has her friends, and I don't really feel like just being one of her groupies. I will just be myself.

At work, this email was sent around to everyone. It was kind of a pseudo-prayer of thanksgiving, to keep everyone's perspective, especially considering the major layoffs that have been announced in the automotive companies.

L O V E M E A L W A Y S

YOU SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, BUT SOMETIME YOU DON'T SHOW IT,
IN THE BEGINNING, YOU COULDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR ME.

NOW YOU SEEM TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.....

SOME DAYS I EVEN WONDER IF I MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL TO YOU.

MAYBE WHEN I'M GONE, YOU'LL APPRECIATE ME AND ALL THE
THINGS I DO FOR YOU.

I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING THE FOOD ON YOUR TABLE, FOR YOUR
CLEAN SHIRT, FOR THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILDREN...........A THOUSAND
AND ONE THING'S YOU WANT AND NEED.

WHY, IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.

I'VE KEPT QUIET AND WAITED TO SEE HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE FOR YOU
TO REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU REALLY NEED ME.

CHERISH ME . . . . . . TAKE CARE OF ME AND I'LL CONTINUE TO TAKE
GOOD CARE OF YOU...........WHO AM I ? ?


I AM YOUR JOB...............................

While I'll admit that I am thankful for having a well-paying, fairly secure job, something really rubs me the wrong way about this email. It almost implies that it is only because of our jobs are we able to be happy, only because of our jobs are we able to live. It almost implies that we should love our jobs, because our jobs are our true providers, our gods. Sorry, but I'd rather be flat broke and begging for food than to love my job the way the email implies. Don't get me wrong, I like my job (usually) and consider it a blessing (always), but I know quite clearly that it is not my job that provides what I need in my life.

I haven't cooked anything in months. But for some reason, the fam still wanted to put me in charge of the turkey, so I cooked that this afternoon. It was the first time I've ever dealt with a whole bird. Why they gave me a 13lb turkey to feed 3-5 people is still beyond me. Anyway, it turned out pretty well. Thank God for the Food Network!

In the news this morning, I read an article about an article about a document that supposedly will be published sometime in the near future. It's not even certain if this is an official document, or what real weight the document has, but naturally it's stirring up contraversy.

Confused? So was I. But, it was in regards to the Catholic Church's restatement of an existing requirement (at least I thought something similar was previously stated sometime in the 70's) that the Church "cannot admit to Seminary or Holy Orders those who are actively homosexual, have deep-seated homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called gay culture."

Being a heterosexual male Catholic who had (past tense???) interests in the priesthood, I thought I ought to write about it, but I honestly had no idea what to say. I really like Amy Welborn's entry about the subject.

My opinion is that the criteria that should be affirmed (as opposed to an activity/tendency/support opposed) is that the candidate believes in what the Church teaches about Christ, acts as a true witness to those beliefs, and is willing to sacrifice their lives to serve those beliefs. Rooted in those more fundemental criteria would include the fact that homosexual activities are "acts of grave depravity" (CCC 2357), and though we must treat the individuals involved with respect, compassion, and sensitivity (eg love the sinner, hate the sin), we also need to recognize that anyone who gets involved in or supports those those activities is not acting as a witness to the Catholic faith, and thus should not be allowed into the ordained priesthood. It might sound like an archaic idea by modern standards, but hey, our teacher is older than time (ie, the Word of God, in Whom all things, including time, were made).

Some complaints I've already read have said more or less said "Well, you won't ordain women, you won't ordain married men, now you won't ordain gay men. The remaining crowd is pretty slim." So what? Many are called, but few are chosen. The only correct path is to revitalize, from within the church, a correct understanding of what religious vocations really mean, and to do that, we need to revisit what being created in His image as male and female really means. I have always wondered, to what purpose do Catholics who attack the Church (ie in order to bring about so called "necessary" changes like ordination of women, acceptance of abortion, open acceptance of contraception, marriage of priests, abolishment of the hierarchy, or other such supposed aims) really intend? Are we now a kingdom divide against itself? Thank God that Jesus promised Peter that the gates of Hell will not prevail upon the Church.

Unfortunately, as far as revitalizing the religious vocations go, modern culture has been pretty successful in leading people to focus on sex, money, and power as proper ends of successful living that trying to convince people that chastity, poverty, and obedience are good things is getting harder and harder. However, it's even worse that it's getting harder to convince people that there exists a knowable universal truth (as opposed to personal relative "truths" for whatever happens to be convenient to individual leisure, or a unknowable universal truth which is so "unknowable" that it isn't even worth searching for), so any rational basis for an existence where God exists has been rather successfully undermined as well. Or, if there is a knowable universal truth, then there are those who choose to believe that since the Church thinks it has authority anything it says must be corrupt; this line of thought, if brought to a proper rational conclusion would mean that the "revelation" that had "should have" been brought through Christ would now be lost in time... He's not a very successful all-powerful God, if that were true. Ah well, it'll all be over soon (at least if the "Left Behind" authors have a measurable amount of truth in their writings). And I've started to see more and more books and newspaper articles that call for an outright abolishment of religions as a whole. It's a difficult battle we have to fight, especially when the chief weapon is prayer and the best protection is faith. That's okay. God will win. However, who will lose?

I still find it interesting to meet people who have met John Paul II. I find it even more interesting to meet someone who actually knew him! Tonight I went to a Frassati (a Catholic young adult group) event called "Wine and Wisdom", and the priest who was presenting talked about when he was sick in Poland and was cared for by a wonderful priest named Karol Wojtyla, and when he got better, the two of them would go mountain climbing. Of course, Karol Wojtyla would eventually become bishop, cardinal, pope, and (eventually, I'm pretty sure) saint. Anyway, I thought his story was cool.

I'm still toying with the idea of the "gift" aspect of bipolar disorder and also of ADD/ADHD, as these disorders are often accredited to many of the geniuses of history. I was particularly inspired to do some reading after hearing a discussion on a local Christian radio station that implies that some mental illness screenings are using the belief in God as criteria for mental illness. I thought I remembered reading a new article saying that the church was supporting a study about mental illness, but when I tried to find it, I couldn't. Instead, I stumbled upon some support groups and blogs from some other bipolar catholics!

However, while I search for more, I seem to find that most Google search hits either just incidentally mention "I used to be a Catholic". When I find any that actually are written by Catholics generally stick to the recommendation of going to BOTH a psychiatrist/psychologist AND a priest/spiritual advisor. This is really good advice, but I don't follow that advice right now. I won't deny that I'm bipolar, but I don't particularly feel the need to be medicated for it right now, or to talk about it either. I don't think this is a point of pride on my part, just a non-issue in my current circumstances.

Anyway, here are a few decent links that I found, and I post them here more for my own sake than anything, because otherwise I'll probably completely forget about it.
sacra*MENTAL* - a blog from Lisa, a catholic with bipolar disorder
Lisa's Lighthouse
Catholic Recommendations for the Treatment of Bipolar Disorder from Chastity in San Francisco
National Shrine of St Dymphna - patron saint of mental illness

User groups:
Bipolar Catholic Spirituality on Yahoo
Catholics with Mood Disorders on MSN
St Dymphna's Place of Peace on MSN

Well, there's good news! Jo is pregnant. She and Noli called me today and are extremely excited. She is 4 weeks pregnant, so the expected due date is somewhere around July 26 of next year. Ironically, the betting pool was won by Noli. I think it was rigged!

However, Joanna's case is already being considered a "high risk" pregnancy, so please pray for her and the child.

Over the past couple of years, I've come to the realization that I've always measured my life as how useful I am to the people around me. I know that this isn't exactly mindset doesn't create the healthiest of relationships. After all, this is the same mindset that, in college, led me to the conclusion "It is better to be used that ignored." This was merely a statement that I made up for my own personal beliefs, but it fit me. Some people figure that they will only have friends as long as they have money; I always figured that I'll have friends as long as I let them use me.

This mindset (like many of my twisted notions of the truths of life) can probably be traced back to the 3rd Grade. At the end of that year, after several months of weekly meetings with a school counselor to prove that I didn't really want to commit suicide and also after many months of continued harassment from classmates who singled me out as the easiest person to pick on, I decided something: I was going to be a different person in 4th Grade. I was going to be a geek. If I was going to be pick on, let them pick on me for being a geek, because I realized, at this young age of 9, that having brains and using them correctly would lead me to having money and power. So, when I grew up and became the CEO of some huge technology company, all these people who pick on me now will realize something - they fucked up.

Of course, those flavors of vengence eventually died down. By the time we got to high schoool, I decided that I could forgive any of those kids; after all, they were just being stupid kids back then. And now, they saw that I was smart and had something to offer them: help - particularly help in their classes. But not only that; for example, the same two kids (whose families were far from broke) would ask me for money every day, and I'd usually have the extra 30 cents left from the dollar I was given for lunch money - I'd let them have it, without ever really asking them to pay me back. Help I would give. It was what revitalized me. The same went through college. But somewhere in there, something might have gone a little to far. People around me always wanted to know why I kept helping them. After all, didn't I know that I was just being used? It was okay back then.

There was something else. In my faith life back in high school, some of the adults in the youth ministry program used to love saying "Prayer is the power of those who have no power." When they taught us the beatitudes, my favorite was "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." because, as I understood it, the "meek" were not meek by today's standards, but they were the people who knew their power but used it well - the "mighty yet mild". So what use had I to pray? I was not made powerless, so prayer had nothing to do with me. It's like the parable of the talents - I could be the guy who was given 5 talents and with it made 5 more.

How does this story factor into the equation? Well, like most college kids these days, I fell away from anything that resembled faith in god (little g). If there is no ultimate good, then personal good is the only thing to pursue. People had always told me that I was being used. I kept giving everything I could for people, and I never asked for anything in return. It's better to be used than ignored, right? I just expected very short term karma to kick in and everything that I gave would come full circle. But I when I didn't feel it come full circle, it all crashed. I eventually decided that, it just didn't make sense. It must not good to be used for any reason. I went about everything up to then trying to be useful to people, and what has it gained me? In all those years (since the first attempted suicide in 3rd grade), I had thought seriously about committing suicide 3 more times. Nothing ever proved that being used was better, and it led me to one more time. My friends pulled me out of that hole, though, because they were truly just that: friends.

Fast forward. I have faith in God (big G), more solid than I ever had in my life. I have a better understanding about all the parables and beatitudes and little sayings that I had had such a twisted understanding of in high school. And I love sharing that faith with high school kids now, hoping that they never fall into the same holes that I did. But now I'm 400 miles away from those kids. I'm 400 miles away from my family, both the biological family I grew up with and the spiritual family I have grown to love at St A's. Yet, when I think about my approach to getting to know that family, I realize I always took the approach of "How can I make myself useful, so that they will want me around?" Now that I know that they want me around, I'm not around. I'm 400 miles away from the people I'm used to being useful to.

The other day, I sent out an email to them. Our youth minister was asking the whole group for help on the last few Life Nights of the year. In my response, I realized that I can't help them. I am completely useless to them. I have no power to help them. Except through prayer. Prayer is the power for those who have no power.

There's a few sayings that are popular about there being two types of people:
"There are two types of people - the fools who think they are wise, and the wise who think they are fools."
"There are two types of people - sinners who think they are saints, and saints who think they are sinners."
To this list, I add:
"There are two types of people - powerless people who think they have power, and powerful people who know that they have no power."
True power belongs to God alone. Prayer can influence everything, because it depends on God who alone is all powerful. Of course, not all prayers are answered, because not all that we ask for is in in line with what God's will. While there are many times that it would be nice to know exactly what God's will is, that's part of why we need to have faith, hope, and love.

So, I'm happy to admit that I'm useless. Well, no, I'm not useless. I can pray, so I will pray. The way I see it now, my usefulness can only be measured by who I allow to use me. It is better to be used by God than to have some false illusion of using myself against Him, because it's better to be in God's love than to be ignored by Him. Maybe I wasn't that far off when I said that statement - I just didn't know the proper context.

I guess the other thing I need to now learn is that it's not about recognition; at least it's not about recognition from people, but from God. If I do something good, than I need to remember that it wasn't so that people will see my good deed that I do it; I do it because it's good and therefore it's God's will that it be done. There is no greater reason to do something. So one of my new sayings (which I've never actually "said" verbally, ever) is "We are all called to live as saints, but we should not live to be called saints."

Now that three of my co-worker's have gone home for the weekend (or some of them for good), I took some time to reflect upon the differences of our personalities.

One guy just mopes all day. He is paranoid about everything, mostly because he's afraid of being caught doing things he shouldn't be doing, or worse, not doing anything. He's the kind of guy that will find the dark cloud under any silver lining. The worst part is that his version of humor is to make sure everyone else feels the same way. A severe pessimist and a cynic. Nothing is ever good enough for him.

Another guy is always looking for an upgrade. If we have two desks, we should have a third one. When looking for a basic printer, he chose to get the one with more built-in features; walking across the room to the printer with your laptop is not an option, especially if we can spend a bunch of money to make it "easier". And he will talk your ear off, as if silence also need to be upgraded. Nothing is every good enough for him.

A third guy is a little more content than the other two. He took time to point out the stress that each of the other two constantly had. On the other hand, he chooses to play into their games too. If they were taking advantage of some situation, he certainly would follow suit. I think that he thinks life treats him well, enough to satisfy him. But if things could be improved with little extra effort, so much the better.

Me? In my perspective, if there's work to be done, I'd rather do it as soon as possible, but definitely no sooner than that (which might make me look lazy and non-proactive to some people; I choose to disregard them). If no one else is available to help do the work when I think it should be done, I'll do it by myself, even if it takes much longer. When there's no work to do, I am reading something, whether about of some book which I try to hide (invariably about theology) or a document on my PDA (on which most people probably assume I am playing a game). For reasons I don't explain (especially since no one has asked), on some days I don't eat meat during lunch and I won't go out to dinner. If I want to hide, I'll hide exactly in the spot where people would expect me to find me. I figure that if everyone thinks that I'm dependable, people will trust that when I'm not around, I'm doing something that obviously must have been more important.

In other words, I don't like working anymore. I practically consider myself a prisoner of modern economics. However, I try to be satisfied with my situation, including the work I have to do. If I have to listen to someone moping or prattling on for no particular pupose, I try to be happy about it (as opposed to "despite it"). I think about St Paul's approach to prison life - not with misery, but praying and singing hymns to God - and I try to follow suit. I'm happy with life, and I'm glad to be anywhere I am, because I know that God's plan has even accounted for all these things that I don't personally care for, so all I need is faith in God and hope for his plan. The third part, love, is a bit difficult (heck, I don't even like the situation), but I'll be happy anyway, because I know that the situation (whatever it is) will be good enough for me.

Now if I can only stay awake while I'm working... maybe then I'll actually look as happy as I feel.

You probably can't tell, but I'm writing this blog entry... You know, actually writing, as in handwriting incursive. It's actually pretty time consuming, especially since I've barely done any cursive writing since college. In fut. I'm probably better off typing! But seeing as I spent the money on such an expensive toy as this Tablet PC, I figure I ought to use this feature at least once. Its a pretty cool feature, but my writing skills are pretty horrible. The amazing part is that it recognizes my writing anyway!

Well, the other night, I powered up my laptop and once again found it dead. Not completely dead, but right now it won't stay on for more than 10 minutes at a time. So, I think it's time to get a new computer.

I've always thought about getting a tablet PC, and I just saw that BestBuy has a not-too-expensive tablet PC by Gateway for about $1300 after rebates. Though I hate rebates, it still looks like a pretty good deal, not too much more expensive than an equivalent non-tablet notebook. Also, although I've only seen a few reviews of it so far, it has been looking pretty good. So... tomorrow, I think I'll drop in at BestBuy and pull out the good old yellow BestBuy card and charge it up.

After that, I'll still have to worry about getting my old computer back up and running. Once it's back up, I'll think about setting it up as part of my home entertainment system or something like that.

This wasn't a manic period. Manic phases don't last for 2 1/2 hours, besides it involved no grandiosity, no lack of sleep, no talking, no racing thoughts, no distractions, no goals, no risky involvements. In other words, it contained absolutely none of the DSM-IV criteria of mania. Besides, manias (for me at least) is more like getting an idea that "if I do this, this will make me happy" and my mind forcing me to run with that idea until it fails. This was nothing like that.

Actually, it seemed more like a non-drug-induced anti-depression, but so much more. What do I mean by that? It was happiness. No sensual stimuli to cause it. No chemicals. Pure and simple happiness (with occasional spurts of laughter) in the largest dose I've ever tasted at once, and sustained over 2 1/2 hours. It was unbelievable. But it came to an end, like I knew it would and right when I thought it would.

So what was it?

I just came back from our youth group's Fall Camp. I won't go into all the details, but the apex was a 2 1/2 hour session of the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. The substance of the body of Christ, given to us by God's grace in the accidence of unleavened wheat bread, sitting on a table 30 feet in front of me. That makes me happy? The situation (besides the people around me) is really no different than the Holy Hour I've done every day of the past two weeks. But this one was different; this one was miraculous.

While a lot of the teens and adults found a lot more comfort in the the confessions that the priest was doing in the back room, I was literally happy where I was. It started by contemplating the parable of the prodigal son (I'll have to talk about that some other time). But then I just prayed individually for everyone in there, then everyone I could think of that wasn't there, then when I just worshipped. I don't think my prayers even asked for anything for myself, but effect on me of all my prayers for others was obvious.

But it had to end. I knew that. This was just a taste, a sample, a sneak preview. This happiness might be just the smallest fraction of a percent of what heaven might be like... but just this much for this long is enough to make any amount of turmoil in this life to be worth it.

This is the experiential proof of why I believe and why I try to act according to those beliefs; because I believe that heaven will be something like that 2 1/2 hours, except for eternity. Shit happens, but when it does, grace from God happens too. If I really tune into it, I see that the grace outpowers the shit in infinite proportions. Not because I "deserve" anything from God (because I don't), but just because that's what God is: infinite love, happiness, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, power, being... everything worth having. The irony is that I don't really have to "earn" it, I don't have to "work" for it, and it's absolutely "free"; I just have to believe it, accept it, and live accordingly. Ok, maybe that's oversimplifying it, but that's the fundementals.

I guess the question is now: what am I supposed to do with this preview? Proclaim it, of course!