The Bipolar Otaku

Sometimes I really wish that I had a terminal plug in the back of my neck (a la the Matrix) for the simple fact that it would be so much faster to download books into my head than to read them.

On the other hand, I also realize that, though having all the information in my head directly would be useful (just as much as photographic memory would be useful), it's actually the act of reading the information that would be important to me. By reading it, I interpret it and the interpretting is what makes it interesting (or not interesting) to me. Sadly this takes much time, which is quite inconvenient...

It's odd. 5 minutes before mass starts and there is standing room only. Yet, if you give up your seats and go around and tell people "There's a completely empty pew up there" you practically have to drag them to it before they believe you. It doesn't help when you can't even convince the ushers that you actually do intend on giving up your seat (even when the usher knows you and knows that this is exactly the kind of stupid stunt that only you would attempt).

Ah well... another foolish attempt at doing good without really considering the right way of being good. The intent was good, the implementation poor.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas!

Um... No and no.

Am I ready to give presents to my family and friends? No. 'nuf said.

Am I ready to celebrate the birth of our Lord? No. Surprising, isn't it? Sure, I'm eager to celebrate, but I hardly feel prepared. I feel like one of the five foolish virgins who forgot to bring oil for their lamps and because of that, missed out on the wedding feast. But, I hope that I woke up early enough that I'll be able to go out and find more oil before it's too late.

Anyway, I may or may not be able to write another entry today, so have a Merry Christmas! Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased! For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

I think I finally figured it out: I am a red blood cell!

Yes, I'm crazy, but this makes sense, really. In 1 Corinthians 12, St Paul talks about us all being the body of Christ, but each of us perform different functions. Some are feet, others are hands, some are eyes, others are ears, and Christ is the head of us all. There are many ways to interpret the implications... For us to function as a body, all of us are needed. If one of us is sick, all of us suffer illness.

So, I've always wondered what part of the body best defines me. I used to think the eye, but despite my photography hobby, I'm not very visually oriented. Besides, it didn't capture a huge portion of what I do, which is pass along information. However, I obviously wasn't a mouth - I hardly talk.

Then it occured to me today. Right now, I am blood. Specifically a red blood cell. Yes, I really don't have a nucleus either. Nor do I have any decision making power of where I go... I go wherever the heart pushes me and wherever the arteries lead me. Well, okay, let me explain. A red blood cell, when it passes through the lungs, carries O2 (oxygen) to the cells throughout the body and carries CO2 (carbon dioxide, a waste product) back to the lungs to be expelled. The lack of a nucleus (the "brain" of the cell) provides more room for hemoglobin (which carries the O2/CO2).

My function, in the church, right now is to carry the faith from the lungs (theologians and priests?) throughout the body. I've never been much of one for developing my own thoughts (no nucleus) but without one I have more room for carrying the faith, perhaps even allowing different bits of it to mix together into richer blends. And I travel throughout the arteries, with no really ability to choose my own path, but freely and willingly passing along this faith to any cell that will accept it. And, if they let me, I will take on their waste - listen to their problems and perhaps do more for them.

The analogy also captures how I often screw up. In my unfaithful times, I cling on to my own wastes and try to pass those along to the cells I'm supposed to be feeding and poison them. I refuse to give up the precious oxygen I've gained. I force people to take oxygen they can't accept or don't want. I grow tired of carrying the wastes and refuse to help others. I try so hard to think that I am unable to carry either fuel or waste. I try to go upstream, against the blood flow, off the heart rhythm. I try to go where I want, instead of where the arteries take me. I try to stand still while the pressure of the stream hammers me and become a blood clot. I vainly try to go in all directions, to be in all places, at once. I proudly refuse to acknowledge that many many others have this same function as I do, and thus try to prove myself different or superior to all of them, changing myself into a sickle-celled anaemia. I envy the functions of the other cells... and become a cancer.

This analogy somehow captures what I do (and what I don't do) so deeply and so fully...

Also, there seems to be some further irony about my dependence upon my lungs... But I'm not ready to pick that apart yet.

I mean this jokingly of course. I just discovered a college dedicated to Catholic psychology: Institute for the Psychological Sciences. It appears that they are trying to develop approaches to psychology while remaining faithful to Christ and the Catholic Church.

And they have a "question of the month" site, to address questions "in the areas of theory, history, clinical application, theology and philosophy, as they relate to Catholic approaches to psychology" ... but no questions! (and obviously no answers either). So I sent them an email with a couple questions to ponder.

I have a couple of questions that perhaps you could
address your question of the month site.

1) What exactly is "hypomania"? The definition of a mild to moderate mania seems a bit empty to me. Actually, the definition of mania provided in the DSM-IV seems problematic in the light of spirituality, in as much as it seems like just about any powerful, prolonged spiritual experience (either a true or a misguided) could be captured in this definition, especially with as vague a word as "mild" attached to
it.

2) Canon law 1041.1 states that "a person who labors under some form of amentia or other psychic illness due to which, after experts have been consulted, he is judged unqualified to fulfill the ministry properly" is irregular for receiving ordination. As group of psychological experts, what illnesses or amentias would render someone thus unqualified?

A little bit of background for my questions: A couple of years ago, I went to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder. After that, I started to grow in my faith as a Catholic, to the point where I had been discerning the vocation of priesthood. However, I have found that many vocations directors (diocesan and ordered religious) have policies to not accept any candidates with a history of bipolar disorder, and have read of several other people seeking priesthood or religious brotherhood/sisterhood based solely upon previous secular psychological diagnoses.

Though I understand their concerns and humbly accept their decisions, I still wonder if they are not throwing out too much, based on a secular definition. As one priest pointed out in a taped interview on vocations, "If St Therese, the doctor of the church, were to approach the convent today, I'm not so sure she'd be allowed in. There surely was a bit of psychosis there." I believe that would have been tragic.

Okay, so I went to the chapel to pray before the Blessed Sacrament. I thinking, once again, about the story of the rich young man (Matthew 19). The last thing Jesus tells him is "Follow me" which makes me think, Follow Him where? To the cross. Huh? Now. Now? Now.

Then I remember, just outside, they have the stations of the cross. The chapel has even booklets to read as you follow the stations.
But wait! It's below freezing! I left my gloves in the car! I'm not wearing longjohns! Why couldn't I have picked a day when I dressed warmer in order to get a crazy idea like this? I'm insane! Perhaps Great... Nice answer. But I did it anyway. I genuflected at each station, too, my knee sunken in 4" of snow. It took about 20 minutes. By the 3rd station, I had to wrap my hands in my scarf. By the 5th station, I needed my scarf back around my throat in order to breath comfortably. By the 8th station, I briefly considered going back inside... but didn't. By the 10th station, the numbness subsides. By the 14th (last station), I'm still certain that I had needed to do this, but still have absolutely no clue why. Then I went back into the chapel, to warm up briefly and to return the book.

I don't want to overanalyze this. I'll just trust that it was somehow helpful. Definitely leaning toward the manic side, but I'll trust it's helpfulness nonetheless.

and you shall receive. Matthew 7:7, sermon on the mount. Perhaps one of the most quoted gospel verses ever.

This seems to be a problem for me. Why didn't I ask if anyone had seen my hat and gloves, instead of walking around for 30 minutes trying to find them myself? Why don't I ever ask my boss for what I really want, which is to spend more time at home and to not work any more Sundays? Why don't I ask that woman out on a date? Why don't I ask anyone for anything?

Maybe it's because I have much that I want to hide.
Maybe it's because I don't think I'll get what I want.
Maybe it's because I still consider myself unworthy of whatever it is that I want to ask for.
Maybe it's because I have no idea what I want.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid of actually getting what I ask for.
Maybe it's because I'm to proud to ask.

But... I did find my hat and gloves. I did find out that I'll be spending less time out of town after the Christmas break. I did (after she asked) invite her to join me at Christmas mass.

However, I still don't ask anyone for anything... except perhaps for God to tell me what I should be asking for.

Whats worse, being sick to my stomach after eating
burritos at some random dive Mexican joint, or being
bored out of my skull 500 miles from home? I guess it
doesnt matter, Im stuck with both. Gotta learn to
smile anyway.

I'm out. Thanks be to God! I was getting tired of being kookked up in the small hospital room.

But, I somehow feel thankful for having asthma. It seems like a nearly constant reminder that I should be ever thankful for life, the miraculousness of oxygen, and the inspiration of God.

Anyway, I gotta go get some prescriptions filled, then I'll probably head into work for a few hours.

After I got no sleep all weekend, Ed told me on Sunday
that one of these days Ill be forced to sleep in. Well
I guess that today is the day, because Im still in the
hospital. I figured that I still wouldnt be able to
sleep last night, so I went to the ER where they
decided I should be admitted to get frequent breathing
treatments and steroid shots. Overnight is turning
into 2 days. I have nothing to do while Im here,
either, and no family to go back to my hotel room to
get me my laptop or anything.

I do. I got 5 hours on Friday, 3 hours on Saturday, 4
hours on Sunday, and 2 hours yesterday. Between asthma
and anxiety, between things I need to do and things I
cant seem to avoid, I just havent been able to close
my eyes and rest. As always, the lack of sleep is
subtlely affecting my moods, which easily explains
that last lonely email. On the other hand, I cant deny
that I am justifiably lonely. This is the suffering
that I bear today. This is my offering.

When I told someone to call me the other night, I really ought to remember I told her that to make sure she felt okay. It was an invitation for her to remember that she is loved; it wasn't meant to be an invitation for her to remind me that I am loved. I wanted her to call me for her sake, not mine, so I ought to remember that I have no reason for disappointment when my phone doesn't ring.

I can only saw what I ought to feel. Real feelings go wherever they may. Just because I ought to have picked up a clue a long time ago doesn't mean that I have picked up that clue. I ought also to know male-female friendships don't need to be romantic, nor will all friendships be intimate.

But then again, maybe if I had the courage to actually ask her out, maybe I'd find out that my assumptions are wrong. If only I were in town to actually ask her out...

All that I am absolutely sure about and very much clued into is that she needed prayers, and that is one thing I can and will offer her.

I can never really tell when I place too much emphasis on coincidences.

Today's example:
On my way home last Friday, the sign for South Bend, IN seemed to stick out in my head, but since I didn't know how far out of my way that would be, I didn't go.

As I packed up my stuff this morning, I pulled a bunch of coins out of my pocket. One fell out of my hand and into a small garbage can where (the weird thing) it spun. It didn't just kind of roll around and fall, it actually spun on it's side, just like it would spin for someone playing quarter football. So I pick up the quarter, and guess what state is on it: Indiana.

So, I check the map and see that South Bend isn't too far from the Michigan border, On the way there, I noticed a sign for some random used bookstore, and decide that that's where I'm supposed to go: the Notre Dame bookstore. Okay.

I went to the bookstore, bought a sweatshirt, and left. No incident. Umm...

On the other hand, I kind of wonder if I missed what I was really supposed to do in South Bend... You see, I got lost when I first got into town. I started driving south on 933 SB and didn't notice the big signs saying where to park for Notre Dame, so I drive into town until I decide I've gone too far and finally turn around. The turnaround street was called Sample, but the thing that might or might not have been a coincidence was the 933 NB was caled Michigan Street. That's all well and fine, but the thing was, there was a homeless center at the corner of Michigan and Sample. However, I couldn't figure out where to park, so I never went in. But was I supposed to do something there? I'm pretty sure that I was. I guess I'll never know, now.

We had a fundraiser at church on Saturday Night, the big annual Christmas Ball to raise money for St Aloysius's Homeless Center in downtown Detroit. It was a formal event. Most guys just wore suits, but I decided to pull out the old tux and top hat. Everyone loves the top hat! Everyone loves a photographer, too.

Anyway, not only did I donate as a sponsor, pay for my own ticket even though I volunteered as the cameraman for the night, but I also participated in the auction. They had a silent auction and a live auction, all proceeds of which go to St Al's. In the silent auction, I bought one of those painted pewabac tiles for $120, which I might use somewhere in my house. In the live auction, I bought a reserved pew at the Christmas midnight mass (which cost me $300, in a subtle attempt to make sure my family doesn't back out on me this year) and I bought a bike.

About this bike. It's a kid's bike, complete with training wheels, probably for 4-6 year olds. So you ask, what am I doing with a kid's bike? Well... you see, they auctioned off a pair of bikes before this one, and that auction didn't go very well, so they decided to make this bike to be donated to St Al. So, not only did the proceeds go to the homeless center, but the bike did also. I guess I wouldn't have bid on it if I thought that I had to keep it anyway. I paid more for that bike than the pair. So, my $300 bike is going to a poor child in Detroit. :) I think this classifies as "not letting the left hand know what the right hand is doing."

I also tried to buy 8-person dinner cooked by our pastor, who is reported to be an excellent Italian chef. The other two associate pastors went for $500 (for Indian food by our Indian priest) and $1000 (for Polish food from our Polish priest). The bidding looked like it was dying down around $700, but I kept it alive up to about $1200... but after interest built up, a couple other people ran it up to a final bid of $2000. That was a bit beyond my means, though...

Oh well. I was just hoping to buy dinner for some of the Core team. On the other hand, everyone on the Core team looked at me a little differently after that. I guess they were thinking, how many 28 year old single guys are ready to spend $1200 to buy dinner with a priest? Sure, they jokingly told me "Way to represent the core!" but was it really joking? Or were they really wondering how I (who wore his own tux, complete with a top hat) have as much as $2000+ to drop at a charity event? Rumor seemed to spread quickly that I dropped some big bucks that night. I shouldn't let it get to me, but after the auction, I somehow felt a lot more isolated, even while talking to my friends. I really shouldn't let it get to me though.

All I'll say is that I work WAYYY too much overtime, and I decided to give an actual 10% tithe this December... heck, the donations from that party only cover the first the first two weeks worth of that tithe and so I'll have to donate nearly as much to the church later, but no one besides me needs to know that.

Naturally, I had to go see the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe on the openning day. I guess I could say that I over-hyped myself.

Don't get me wrong. It was good, really good. Very faithful to the book, too, as far as I can remember; however, perhaps that's why the timing didn't feel quite right for a movie - literary timing and cinematic timing aren't always equivalent. There were particular scenes which I thought could have used a little better use of dramatic pauses or slower panning - particularly the scene in the Beaver house where they announce "Aslan is on the move". In the book, this statement seemed like a point of amazing excitement - you knew something big was going to happen soon. In the movie, you knew that this statement was important, but it didn't seem all that exciting. I wanted to feel like Lucy, who, by faith, knew that this was everything; watching it, however, I felt like Edmund, who simply asked "Who's Aslan?".

Lucy was an awesome portrayal; the other 3 were a bit better than decent. Aslan's voice wasn't quite what I expected (I probably expected James Earl Jones, and instead got Liam Neeson). The visuals were excellent. The CG was smooth and satisfying. However, I didn't much like the fact that random new species would appear as one-time stunts, but that may have been written into the story that way. The soundtrack, though, never got my attention, which is unfortunate. Considering that it is targetting an audience that just finished watching the Lord of the Rings, the producers probably could have paid a bit more attention to what they did right and wrong in LotR. I definitely plan on buying it on DVD, but I'm not sure if I'll watch it in theaters a second time.

The oddest thing was that by watching this movie, I came to a better understanding of the Lord of the Rings. Somehow, since LWW is so obviously paralleled off the New Testament Bible, but still has striking parallels to the Lord of the Rings, it made obvious (to me, at least) how the Lord of the Rings also parallels the Bible. However, I think I read that Lewis and Tolkein took very different approaches: Tolkein wanted to write a fantasy and chose to use a Chrisitian theological basis while Lewis wanted to show an allegory of Christian theology in a fantasy world.

The fantastic allegories though, had limitations, which seemed largely obvious to me. I don't know if it's a due to the original writing or due to the screenplay; I have to guess the former (after all, he was primarily writing a children's book) though I'm sure the later created some gaps as well.

Anyway, good movie. Go watch it. Now. I mean it, go buy your tickets right this instant and decide for yourself.

I get to go home this weekend. I'll arrive at home on Friday night. This means that I have approximately 60 hours to be at home before I have to start my drive back to Rockford on Monday morning.

Presumably, I'd sleep each night, which would mean 3 nights of 8 hours rest. 36 remaining. About 16 hours (including travel) will be used to go to an evangelization retreat in Plymouth on Saturday and Sunday. About 6 hours will be used to take pictures at my church's Christmas ball on Saturday night. About 6 hours will be used to go to mass and to help out at the church's youth group meeting on Sunday night. 2 hours of that will be to see the new Narnia movie Friday night.

6 hours left, mostly Friday night. How should I use that?

Today is 12/6. I normally would not have found any significance in this date. It's 19 days to Christmas; other than that, all is normal.

Or is it?

My sister made a point of reminding me the date. Both she and my brother seemed to make a particular point of calling me today. I even talked with my mom briefly. Okay, so it's December 6, and now I remember why my family remembers the 6th day of December. But I still don't feel a particular need to "remember" the date; not out of any disrespect, but today just isn't the day that I choose to remember my dad by.

December 6, 1997: Teofilo Emmanuel Hernandez (Sr.) passed away after a heart attack.

I think part of it is that I actually feel forgiven for that day. For many years, I felt largely responsible. Well, you see, my dad's last heart attack finally happened while he was vacuuming. He was vacuuming because he was upset that I did _NOT_ vacuum that day, even though he asked me to. My conscience weighed so heavily against me that when I went to confession for the first time in my life (just this past May), one of the many things that I confessed was that I killed my father.

Thank God that sins can be forgiven. Thank God that wounds can be healed.

I don't forget that day, but I have long since accepted forgiveness for everything I didn't do that day. I know that it's still important to remember how my action and my inaction affected everyone around me, especially when I get lazy or impatient or snide to people who ask me to do things, and most especially when I get that way with my mom. Just another reason why I recognize that I need to be a better person than I was back then, 8 years ago.


Dear dad,
Hope you're doing well. Hope you've made it into heaven already. Pray for me. Love, your son.

Apologetics: Defending the faith through words. Pretty interesting. One of the local churches has a Men's Apologetics group, and it's neat to learn and to share.

Since they were talking about miracles about the Eucharist, I told them about that amazing mass at Covecrest last June. The weather report said it was supposed to rain all day, but for some reason, we didn't get any. It was mostly cloudy out, and some dark clouds were looming. Despite the reports, the mass was celebrated outside, out on the large deck. They had all the sound equipment set up for the band, which kind of worried some people since they were still worried about rain.

The Liturgy of the Word proceded as normal: Old Testament reading, Psalm, New Testament reading, Gospel, homily, etc. Then came the Liturgy of the Eucharist. The priest, at the appropriate time, raised up the the host in front of us and said the words, per the missal, "This is my body..." At this point, many churches ring bells, I think to signify that at this point, we belive that God has consecrated the bread. They didn't have bells, but as the priest held the bread before us, God provided the ringing: thunder boomed from the dark clouds. Then the priest raised up the chalice and proceeded with the next part "This is my blood..." Again, no bells, but thunder as the priest held up the cup.

Communion proceeded as normal. And after the closing eucharistic prayers, something else happened, a little more subtle, but I noticed it: Wind. A stiff cool breeze blew off any stale air, which reminded me of the miracle of God's spirit that breathes life into us. Then a tiny drizzling of rain, not enough to get anyone wet, but just enough to feel it, just enough to remind me that baptism had washed away our sins, just enough to make me relize that I've been blessed. Then finally, the clouds parted and the rays of the sun were visible from behind the white clouds.

The only word I have to describe that mass is "Whoa!" If I had ever doubted Christ's presence in the Eucharist, that mass had blown away thosed doubts. If I ever had needed a sign from God to make me believe that his promises about the Eucharist were true, that mass had provided me with all the signs I needed. God is awesome, isn't he? He has an incredible sense of timing too...

Why do the only shows that I like these days happen to be shortlived 1-2 season shows?

Examples:
Dead Like Me (2 seasons)
Wonderfalls (1 season)
Joan of Arcadia (2 seasons)
Firefly (half a season)
Sports Night (2 season)

Speaking of short lived series, I'm told Freaks and Geeks was really good too. And just you watch... next Huff and House will get cut after their second season. Or maybe I just hope that they will.

Why would I hope that? Well, I guess because they never got old and stale (like Seinfeld and Friends and all the other 80 bajillion episode series.

I think it's the same reason I used to like a lot of anime series: they actually have a plot, because the story actually ends! Well, at least they did until the Japanese started catching on to American marketing, which drove them to sequels of what other would otherwise have been a decent show and arc after painful story arc of mind-numbing stupidity that gives anime a bad name.

The sad part is when the show goes on for 10 years, you don't even remember when you still liked the show, so you pretty much have to write off the entire thing as just a cheesy piece of sitcom, overkilled suspense, or romance gone horribly wrong.

TV Series should end. Period.

Especially "reality" shows. Those should have been cut off before they even started. Shame on MTV for popularizing such a horrible trend.

Well, I actually WILL be home for Christmas. Well, kinda.

This would imply like I actually felt like I knew where home was.

I used to want I a sign that said "Home is where you rack your wine." That place is empty.

Home is where the heart is. My heart? My heart is lonely, so it's either in heaven, or I'm home right now... which means that I'd be home already. God, I hope not.

Where is my heart?

One of the guys at work was kind enough to ask if I bought a girlfriend out here yet. I answered no.

But my first reaction was "I'm not looking for a girl like that." Like what? What implications am I making in this statement? Am I really implying that any girlfriend that I find 500 miles from home would be some sort of one-night stand?

So my second raction was "Where would I find a girlfriend out here?" Well, obviously I can't stand going to bars. Further, I've found that the type of girl that the bar-goers actually do find at the bars is a 5-night stand type of girl or someone who seems to be looking for a MRS degree among the businessmen (in other words, a sugar daddy).

Well, what if I said I there's already a girl I'd like to ask out? But, I think there's sufficient evidence (like her not responding to my phone calls) that that would be a bad idea. Besides, there are several other reasons that may make the situation unusual... ones that I'd like to think that I'd overlook, but I'm not so sure about her. So, for once, perhaps I'll actually catch the clue that I usually pick up on, as opposed to ignoring it like usual.

But speaking of not getting return phone calls, which I have to presume is intentional, I also wonder if the email silence is incidental or intentional. I should assume incidental... even I can learn from past misunderstandings.

So, I'm 1 hour and 500 miles away from something...

Okay, jumping back a few paragraphs, the last thing I thought was "Am I running from something?" That would imply that I'm intentionally letting my work physically pull me away from everyone I know, just like maybe I was letting the idea of priesthood to pull me away from any need to find someone.

OR maybe I'm just on the brink of losing it.
Pray for me... I need help.

Well, I went to a concert tonight. Well, kinda... You'd probably assume that I actually went into the concert, which I didn't.

The concert was Casting Crowns, at a local church. But when I actually went to the church, it looked like it was packed. Considering that they were sold out of tickets on the internet, so they were only selling tickets at the door. But since it looked like it was packed, I decided to not even check if they had any tickets left.

On the other hand, I was surprised that I even made it there. I didn't want to be "that guy" who goes to a concert alone. So I decided to be "that guy" who goes to a movie alone instead.

I ent to see Aeon Flux. I was expecting the worst waste of time of the year. After all, it's just a movie based upon a bunch of 2 minute clips from MTV's Liquid Television, which were all about a barely dressed woman doing secret missions, frequently making out with her archenemy, somehow got her killed every single episode, and never really making a cohesive plot either.

It was surprisingly good. For one, although they took the big jump in actually clothing Aeon, Charlize looks amazing. Early on, they pull in a few of very Aeon-ish scenes from the original show, like trapping a fly in her eyelashes and receiving a message pill through a French kiss. Sure, they had to have some throw backs to the original, didn't they? And all of it was based in a "perfect" society where people would randomly disappear or get killed as rebels, kind of a young-ish society that looked very much like Logan's Run society...

But there was something else. A story, a really plot! Something to actually explain this love-hate relationship between Aeon and Trevor! While it starts out as your typical "perfect" society with a rebel group trying to take it down, it really ends up being about how nature can correct what man's technology screws up, how living forever isn't a good thing, how some people will try so much to live forever that they will go out of their way to screw everything up for everyone else.

[spoiler alert]
But I guess the one disappointing thing was this... she die. What a pisser. Maybe they were trying to imply that maybe she got pregnant, so now she has to live?
[end spoiler alert]

It was a good movie. I liked it... I might have to buy it when it comes out on DVD.