The Bipolar Otaku

Well, this series of posts is going a completely different direction than I expected. I expected to start off on some rant about the sanity measuring stick that the world uses, but for some reason I went off about something else.

Let's re-examine part 1...

normal people don't clinch their fist randomly and feel like pounding it
normal people don't pick up small objects and feel like throwing them
I attribute these facts to being burnt out at work and to being frustrated in relationships. The blessings of these are that it makes me realize, first and foremost, that my work is not right for me. Because I work too many hours and am pulled away from home so much, I can't keep normal friendships and don't even dare to approach romantic relationships. There are risks, because I also recognize in these signs that I have a hidden anger inside of me.

normal people don't get infatuated this easily
This is the one thing that forces me still to believe that I have bipolar disorder. Maybe infatuation is the wrong word here... it's more like short-lived obsession, not necessarily obsession over people, but an obsession with anything. I can only describe the feeling like this: I like being a puzzle solver; a puzzle has been waved in front of me for about a minute, then is obscured from my view; while I begin to forget what the puzzle actually looked like, I continue to try to solve the puzzle!
This is a blessing that requires much care, because it can have dire consequences. For example, one bad thing is if I stare off into a crowd and find a person who looks familiar, but I continue to stare at them while I figure out who they remind me of... that's just kind of freaky. But the good part is that when I'm talking with someone, I can really pay close attention to them. Or another example, one good thing is that if I look at a situation, with a rather quick glance and a little bit of thinking, I can actually do a decent job of suggesting possible conclusions the situation can lead to, and therefore give advice about what to do to come to a decent conclusion. But the bad part is that I fall into a trap of pride if I actually think I can solve every situation. Also, some situations don't need solving, and I can make a mess of things when I try to solve them!

normal people don't let things go this easily
This is the irony of my infatuations... no matter how important they seem to me at one point, they so often slip out of view suddenly. The blessing here is that I've found it relatively easy to reform my life, which I am in a continuous process of doing. There are risks, of course, which include a fear that I might lose my faith, which built in me a little too suddenly to be completely sure of, or that if I ever get married, I may let my wife slip out of my view too. The other blessing here is that I find it easy to forgive people.

Normal people don't worry about it this much. I do.
"Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Phillipians 2
Most people agree that anxieties aren't good, but I know that my anxieties were given to me so that I may always think about what is good and bad, so that I can eventually have a properly formed conscience to judge my actions.

Normal people don't think that everything they've ever personally done has been wrong. I do.
Here's the little catch... yes, I believe that everything that I (myself) have ever done has been a sin against God. But sometimes God has worked through me to do much good. I pray that it is His Will that He do the latter more often and that I do the former less often. Yet even my prayers are possible only by His Grace. This is the blessing.

Normal people don't think that these things are all blessings. I do.
Yes, in all the bad things that I have ever gone through, there are blessings - some which I recognize and some I don't.

bipolar disorder - a blessing in that it forms within me a particular way of thinking which is distinct from most people

mania - a blessing in that it give a slightest hint of what true happiness could be like

depression - a blessing in that it kept me from developing a huge ego while I grew up

allergies - a blessing in that I can realize that not all things are good for me

asthma - a blessing in that it makes me realize that it is a miracle that I can breath

arthritis - a blessing in that... I haven't a foggiest clue. Perhaps it will be clearer at another time.

a ruptured appendix - a blessing in that I know what severe pain actually feels like

clogged sinuses - a blessing in that I can predict rain by feeling my piercing headaches (strange but true!)

a lot of money - a blessing in that it has shown me that there is no happiness for me in owning things, but in giving things

a too-busy job - a blessing in that it has given me time to reflect what is important to me and what isn't

loneliness - a blessing in that it has made me seek God

a strong guilt complex - a blessing in that it makes me want to repent

a not-so-strong verbal presence - a blessing in that when I speak - people listen

The hard part is seeing the blessings that God can reap from past sins and sinful habits. While the actions or tendencies below have been sinful, they too have helped me realize not only that I need to move away from these tendencies but also that I can do something with what I had "gained" from them. This is not saying that the means justfies the ends (or that old ends justify new means or similar confusing statements like that), only that now that I have turned away (or am trying to turn away) from these sinful ends, I am open to allowing God to draw good things from the evils that I have done and can no longer undo. Some of these tendencies may not be fully gone, but at least they are all healing.

suicidal tendencies - a blessing in that it now helps me want to help younger people through their difficulties

wrath - a blessing in that this always fed my guiltfulness

greed - a blessing in that past pursuit of it has now given me means to help others

lust for women - a blessing in that I realize it was never sexual intercourse and temporary pleasure that I really sought, but intimate relationships and everlasting happiness

envy of neighbor - a blessing in that it had eventually made me want to be happy for their good fortunes

gluttony - a blessing in that it makes me now appreciate the need for fasting

sloth - a blessing in that... well, who am I kidding, I'm still pretty lazy. God is still working on this.

pride - a blessing in that... um... well, I'll not put any words into my mouth for this one, because anything I say about it will give pride too much credit. I am still trying to let God to get rid of this entirely.

lying - a blessing in that this is another guilt feeder, which eventually straightened out into a desire to always be honest

atheism/agnosticism - a blessing in that I can honestly say that I have gone through a fairly comprehensive search of philosophies and religions seeking adequate answers, and can finally say that the only good and consistent answers came from the Catholic church.

I know that blessings can be found in all these things are blessings, simply because God, who is all-knowing, all-powerful, always faithful, and true love, has allowed all these things to happen in my life.

By modern man's rationality, this is insanity. By saint's rationality, this may be a mere child's foolishness (I am, after all, a mere child and a fool). But, this is the extent of my wisdom, so I share it for what it is.

All Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end! AMEN!

posted by JT  # 11:05:00 PM