The Bipolar Otaku
The Random Musings of Dreistul - Slurpees, Fuzzy Bunnies, Anime, and Lithium...Monday, January 30, 2006
Knowing the tree by its fruit
Perhaps this is what we are lacking these days - feedback.
One part of this is the ways that we communicate. They say that 60% of all communication is non-verbal, 30% is tone, and 10% is words. But we have progressed to a society where much of our communication is via phone or email, for most of what we do, we only receive 40% or 10% of what should have been received. We "talk" through means where it is easier to lie or to fake emotions, and we either have faith that the intended message is the real one or we distrust the message entirely, having already been wounded too many times in the past. For the sake of convenience, we sacrifice our bonds to each other.
Another part is our self image. The eye can see everything around it except the eye itself, so too are we unable to know how we display ourselves to others. We have fosterred a world where providing honest feedback of what we think of people is not normally permissible. So we either go on pretending to completely ignore what others think of us and thus risk ignoring the fact that we are no longer able to effectively interact with those people, or we go on worrying about what others think of us and risk making the wrong assumptions about what people mean when they talk to us. Both ways tear us up inside, and neither respect the people around us.
But nonetheless, we set ourselves up to want more feedback. We play games where we know how well or how poorly we are doing because of the little point counter up in the corner. We go to work and set for ourselves measurable goals and set deadlines for our activities. We layout a lifetime of expected mile-markers for our lives. And yet, as we expect more and more measurable feedback, we go about our relationships getting less and less. So we no longer believe in anything which we cannot sense with our five senses, or from which we cannot at least see direct effects. We no longer trust anything on which we do not have hard data.
The worst part, perhaps, is that we no longer are patient enough to get a response... We were told that we could know a tree by its fruit, but who has time anymore to wait for the flowers to bloom and the fruit to ripen? We have become an attention deficit disordered society, so any feedback must be immediate or is useless.
How tragic of a people we are and how sad our existence. What else shall we do but hope for better?
One part of this is the ways that we communicate. They say that 60% of all communication is non-verbal, 30% is tone, and 10% is words. But we have progressed to a society where much of our communication is via phone or email, for most of what we do, we only receive 40% or 10% of what should have been received. We "talk" through means where it is easier to lie or to fake emotions, and we either have faith that the intended message is the real one or we distrust the message entirely, having already been wounded too many times in the past. For the sake of convenience, we sacrifice our bonds to each other.
Another part is our self image. The eye can see everything around it except the eye itself, so too are we unable to know how we display ourselves to others. We have fosterred a world where providing honest feedback of what we think of people is not normally permissible. So we either go on pretending to completely ignore what others think of us and thus risk ignoring the fact that we are no longer able to effectively interact with those people, or we go on worrying about what others think of us and risk making the wrong assumptions about what people mean when they talk to us. Both ways tear us up inside, and neither respect the people around us.
But nonetheless, we set ourselves up to want more feedback. We play games where we know how well or how poorly we are doing because of the little point counter up in the corner. We go to work and set for ourselves measurable goals and set deadlines for our activities. We layout a lifetime of expected mile-markers for our lives. And yet, as we expect more and more measurable feedback, we go about our relationships getting less and less. So we no longer believe in anything which we cannot sense with our five senses, or from which we cannot at least see direct effects. We no longer trust anything on which we do not have hard data.
The worst part, perhaps, is that we no longer are patient enough to get a response... We were told that we could know a tree by its fruit, but who has time anymore to wait for the flowers to bloom and the fruit to ripen? We have become an attention deficit disordered society, so any feedback must be immediate or is useless.
How tragic of a people we are and how sad our existence. What else shall we do but hope for better?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Age of reason
I sometimes wonder... are kids these days foolish because they are kids, or are they foolish because they are raised to be fools?
The spark for this thought was a conversation about the sacrament of Confirmation, about which I pointed out that Canon Law allowed the sacrament as early as the age of 7-8, which is considered the "Age of Reason", the age at which a normal child is capable of being morally responsible for their actions. In the American Church, this usually means that they do their first Confession and their first Communion, but they hold off on Confirmation until they are around 12-15.
It is worth noting that even at this age, some people who I have talked to about Confirmation have questioned whether teenagers are ready to understand what they are accepting. After all, they aren't considered old enough to consent to having sex until 16-18, to vote in govermental elections until 18, to purchase liquor until 21, and (because of the frequent requirement of having a bachelor's degree to serve in a professional job) to work as a professional until about 23. Realistically, though it seems like no one becomes an "adult" until 25, which is about the age when college graduates begin to realize that there are no more summer breaks and finally join the funk which most of their elders already have succumbed to, which likely includes having to pay taxes, rent or a mortgage, car insurrance, health care coverage, electricity, gas, cell phone bills, and internet access.
Not having raised any children myself, I just wonder what our society thinks they are raising these days. The pressure of public (or private) education is a fairly new one (ie within a couple hundred years), and it is good in many ways. It allows the young to receive an opportunity to learn things which will be important for communicating throughout their lifetime, such as reading, writing, speaking, memorization, arthimetic, and (to a certain extent, though not explicitly enough) logic reasoning. And then, above and beyond necessary skills, it goes about teaching history (which I'll have to come back to), literature (which I'll discuss later also), higher mathematics (which, beyond a certain level becomes extraneous), basic geology, basic biology (which sometimes takes it upon itself to teach atheism, which I've discussed before), basic chemistry, and basic physics.
However, there is much that it doesn't teach. Like I said, logical reasoning is implicitly there (particularly in geometry classes) but it isn't taught enough to show the necessity of it throughout life. Furthermore, while school gives an abundance of opportunities for human interaction, it doesn't actually TEACH anything about human interaction, unless of course a teacher goes above and beyond the normal scope of their jobs to do so. It teaches very little about discipline, besides when to shut up (which most people still don't understand) or when something necessitates detentions or suspension or the like. Listening skills are not taught, but it is simply assumed that if the kid is doing well in class, they must have been listening to the teacher.
History classes seem to teach us the "evolution" of social structures, from independent clans to monarchies to democracy, emphasizing the wonderfulness of freedom to speak and gather and all that (which I admit are wonderful things to have). Meanwhile, they don't point out (at least they didn't when I was in school) the costs and responsibilities that go with freedom. Or, if they do, maybe the overemphasize the need for tolerance and show the kids a dangerous level of political correctness which simply gives equality while ignoring the fact that people are different as opposed to attempting the more difficult idea to implement that people can be different and equal.
The other interesting point that they like to point out in the history of government structures is the correlation of governments to the religions at the time. So they'll say, "Clans were often familistic or animist religions, monarchies often used monotheism as a basis to prove that they should stay in monarchic power, aristocracies tended to have polytheistic beliefs, and democracy... well..." *shrug* Personally, I don't find it surprising that there is an explosion of new age pantheists out there.
History classes also teach us to look at history through the evolution of technology. The entire history of civilization can be explained in fire, bones, stones, bronze, iron, steel, roads, aqueducts, the "enlightenment", steam engines, cotton gins, cars, and computers, but when you look at it from that viewpoint, you completely miss the fact that people made decisions in there that completely changed things along the way.
Literature... this is an interesting one, because (at least when I look back in my schooling) what they do teach and what they don't teach, especially if you consider that it may be done for the purposes of freedom of religion. In classic writing, they will teach Greek mythology until they are blue in the face, going through the Iliad and the Odyssey and the like, but they won't touch stories from any active religion, like Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, or Shinto... They can't avoid Christianity, though, not in English literature, so they pick at it very carefully. Dante's Inferno is safe, for some reason, possibly because it is obviously just figurative. And when they get to American liturature, they can talk about the fact that some of the founding fathers were Deists, or that writers of certain eras were Transindentalists or Anti-transindentalists, because none of those are really active religions, more of a philosophy than anything.
What I'm getting at is there are two things that public schools don't teach - philosophy and religion. Why don't they teach them? Because, it's not their place to do so. These are things that are supposed to be taught by churchs and parents. What are the parents teaching, though?
I can't speak for all of American society, because I grew up in and live in midwest suburbia. I've noticed here an emphasis on the importance of higher education - college. Why? Because, to get a "good" job, you need a degree. So parents push their kids to want to get into a good college. Since good colleges have limited positions and are outrageously expensive, the high school student needs to get noticed by admissions boards and scholarship committees. This means not only spending a lot of time studying, but it also means forcing them into doing extracuricular activities and sports, so that they can stand out from the crowd of thousands of applicatants who are doing the EXACT SAME THINGS. Ironically, this sometimes means they don't have time to do more meaningful things that they actually want to do, such as community service projects and the like.
Oh, but I do have to go back for a moment. Why do they need a degree again? Oh, to get a "good" job. When you finally finish, how do you measure a job is good? You like doing it, it pays well, it helps you afford a nice house and nice cars, it helps pay for the big and expensive wedding, it makes it easy to afford all the toys that you want and your kids will want. It may mean that both parents will have to work for all that. And doing all this for more than 3 kids will be a strain, though, so you will probably only have 1 or 2 kids, so you might want to get yourself clipped or your tubes tied after that, so you can keep having sex. Besides, if the marriage doesn't work out, it will be terribly difficult on both parents to raise that many children while divorced and maintain the same standard of living.
Is this the philosophy that parents are teaching their children? I hope I'm being overcynical here, but it really seems like the standard approach. I can fairly honestly say that this was my life plan up until about a year ago. I look at it now and see that it doesn't look terribly inviting. Even if it had a good meaning to it, it might be bearable, but it doesn't even have that going for it. It looks like a bunch of foolishness, not worth bothering about.
So, are kids these days foolish because they are kids, or are they foolish because they are raised to be fools? And how old are kids these days?
If this is all foolishness, though, ask yourself, what are the wise alternatives?
The spark for this thought was a conversation about the sacrament of Confirmation, about which I pointed out that Canon Law allowed the sacrament as early as the age of 7-8, which is considered the "Age of Reason", the age at which a normal child is capable of being morally responsible for their actions. In the American Church, this usually means that they do their first Confession and their first Communion, but they hold off on Confirmation until they are around 12-15.
It is worth noting that even at this age, some people who I have talked to about Confirmation have questioned whether teenagers are ready to understand what they are accepting. After all, they aren't considered old enough to consent to having sex until 16-18, to vote in govermental elections until 18, to purchase liquor until 21, and (because of the frequent requirement of having a bachelor's degree to serve in a professional job) to work as a professional until about 23. Realistically, though it seems like no one becomes an "adult" until 25, which is about the age when college graduates begin to realize that there are no more summer breaks and finally join the funk which most of their elders already have succumbed to, which likely includes having to pay taxes, rent or a mortgage, car insurrance, health care coverage, electricity, gas, cell phone bills, and internet access.
Not having raised any children myself, I just wonder what our society thinks they are raising these days. The pressure of public (or private) education is a fairly new one (ie within a couple hundred years), and it is good in many ways. It allows the young to receive an opportunity to learn things which will be important for communicating throughout their lifetime, such as reading, writing, speaking, memorization, arthimetic, and (to a certain extent, though not explicitly enough) logic reasoning. And then, above and beyond necessary skills, it goes about teaching history (which I'll have to come back to), literature (which I'll discuss later also), higher mathematics (which, beyond a certain level becomes extraneous), basic geology, basic biology (which sometimes takes it upon itself to teach atheism, which I've discussed before), basic chemistry, and basic physics.
However, there is much that it doesn't teach. Like I said, logical reasoning is implicitly there (particularly in geometry classes) but it isn't taught enough to show the necessity of it throughout life. Furthermore, while school gives an abundance of opportunities for human interaction, it doesn't actually TEACH anything about human interaction, unless of course a teacher goes above and beyond the normal scope of their jobs to do so. It teaches very little about discipline, besides when to shut up (which most people still don't understand) or when something necessitates detentions or suspension or the like. Listening skills are not taught, but it is simply assumed that if the kid is doing well in class, they must have been listening to the teacher.
History classes seem to teach us the "evolution" of social structures, from independent clans to monarchies to democracy, emphasizing the wonderfulness of freedom to speak and gather and all that (which I admit are wonderful things to have). Meanwhile, they don't point out (at least they didn't when I was in school) the costs and responsibilities that go with freedom. Or, if they do, maybe the overemphasize the need for tolerance and show the kids a dangerous level of political correctness which simply gives equality while ignoring the fact that people are different as opposed to attempting the more difficult idea to implement that people can be different and equal.
The other interesting point that they like to point out in the history of government structures is the correlation of governments to the religions at the time. So they'll say, "Clans were often familistic or animist religions, monarchies often used monotheism as a basis to prove that they should stay in monarchic power, aristocracies tended to have polytheistic beliefs, and democracy... well..." *shrug* Personally, I don't find it surprising that there is an explosion of new age pantheists out there.
History classes also teach us to look at history through the evolution of technology. The entire history of civilization can be explained in fire, bones, stones, bronze, iron, steel, roads, aqueducts, the "enlightenment", steam engines, cotton gins, cars, and computers, but when you look at it from that viewpoint, you completely miss the fact that people made decisions in there that completely changed things along the way.
Literature... this is an interesting one, because (at least when I look back in my schooling) what they do teach and what they don't teach, especially if you consider that it may be done for the purposes of freedom of religion. In classic writing, they will teach Greek mythology until they are blue in the face, going through the Iliad and the Odyssey and the like, but they won't touch stories from any active religion, like Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, or Shinto... They can't avoid Christianity, though, not in English literature, so they pick at it very carefully. Dante's Inferno is safe, for some reason, possibly because it is obviously just figurative. And when they get to American liturature, they can talk about the fact that some of the founding fathers were Deists, or that writers of certain eras were Transindentalists or Anti-transindentalists, because none of those are really active religions, more of a philosophy than anything.
What I'm getting at is there are two things that public schools don't teach - philosophy and religion. Why don't they teach them? Because, it's not their place to do so. These are things that are supposed to be taught by churchs and parents. What are the parents teaching, though?
I can't speak for all of American society, because I grew up in and live in midwest suburbia. I've noticed here an emphasis on the importance of higher education - college. Why? Because, to get a "good" job, you need a degree. So parents push their kids to want to get into a good college. Since good colleges have limited positions and are outrageously expensive, the high school student needs to get noticed by admissions boards and scholarship committees. This means not only spending a lot of time studying, but it also means forcing them into doing extracuricular activities and sports, so that they can stand out from the crowd of thousands of applicatants who are doing the EXACT SAME THINGS. Ironically, this sometimes means they don't have time to do more meaningful things that they actually want to do, such as community service projects and the like.
Oh, but I do have to go back for a moment. Why do they need a degree again? Oh, to get a "good" job. When you finally finish, how do you measure a job is good? You like doing it, it pays well, it helps you afford a nice house and nice cars, it helps pay for the big and expensive wedding, it makes it easy to afford all the toys that you want and your kids will want. It may mean that both parents will have to work for all that. And doing all this for more than 3 kids will be a strain, though, so you will probably only have 1 or 2 kids, so you might want to get yourself clipped or your tubes tied after that, so you can keep having sex. Besides, if the marriage doesn't work out, it will be terribly difficult on both parents to raise that many children while divorced and maintain the same standard of living.
Is this the philosophy that parents are teaching their children? I hope I'm being overcynical here, but it really seems like the standard approach. I can fairly honestly say that this was my life plan up until about a year ago. I look at it now and see that it doesn't look terribly inviting. Even if it had a good meaning to it, it might be bearable, but it doesn't even have that going for it. It looks like a bunch of foolishness, not worth bothering about.
So, are kids these days foolish because they are kids, or are they foolish because they are raised to be fools? And how old are kids these days?
If this is all foolishness, though, ask yourself, what are the wise alternatives?
Why am I tired?
Twice weekly fasting, daily holy hours, books on theology, tapes on philosophy, mind-numbing 12-hour work days, addicting games of Katamari, 51-episode anime series, images from a home far away, rememberences of once-strong friendships now withered away, idle daydreaming of romantic encounters, hopes and dreams changing radically in a matter of months, a smoke-smelling non-smoking room, week after week of poor sleep, hundreds of little things that I want to do before I close my eyes, dozens of grandiose projects I want to start tomorrow, and dried out contact lenses...
No, I have no idea why I am tired... :)
No, I have no idea why I am tired... :)
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Pullover
I never figured that I would be standing on the side of the road in front of 4 police cars (and 4 cops standing over me). And I never figured that I wouldn't get a ticket after doing 95 in a 70 after unknowningly chasing an unmarked police car half way across the state.
Yet, remarkably, I not get a ticket is exactly what I did. Whew!
Yet, remarkably, I not get a ticket is exactly what I did. Whew!
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Driving safely
Miracles happen all the time... example: me not getting into any accidents today.
Rings
There's a short movie on the Ring Two DVD called Rings. It's actually creepier than the actual movie... well, at least in that Blair Witch kind of way.
Return of an addiction
Okay, I've been watching to many movies and too much anime... I've watched and returned about 20 DVDs from NetFlix in the last 14 days, plus maybe a dozen or so that I watched (or rewatched) which I already owned or borrowed from my sister.
So, every day, I've been trying to watch another disc... so I end up staying up much later than I should have stayed up. But tonight... I'm not sure why, but I decided to finish off a couple of discs...
I kind of figured watching The Ring Two at 1:30am might be spooky but it really isn't. Le Portrait de Petite Cossette... now that was a creepy anime. Full Metal Alchemist (which I'm only half way through) is a decent anime... I'm pretty much watching it based on the recommendation of teen from church.
But, I'm pretty sure that watching TV before trying to go to bed makes me unable to sleep... which probably explains why I'm still up at 3am, only half-watching an unscary movie.
I've got to get back to reading myself to sleep at night...
So, every day, I've been trying to watch another disc... so I end up staying up much later than I should have stayed up. But tonight... I'm not sure why, but I decided to finish off a couple of discs...
I kind of figured watching The Ring Two at 1:30am might be spooky but it really isn't. Le Portrait de Petite Cossette... now that was a creepy anime. Full Metal Alchemist (which I'm only half way through) is a decent anime... I'm pretty much watching it based on the recommendation of teen from church.
But, I'm pretty sure that watching TV before trying to go to bed makes me unable to sleep... which probably explains why I'm still up at 3am, only half-watching an unscary movie.
I've got to get back to reading myself to sleep at night...
Monday, January 23, 2006
Learning how to speak
As my life has changed, I've found an unusual problem... I feel more and more isolated. Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually, not intellectually, not psychologically... actually, I feel mostly more connected to people in those ways, but... still I feel somehow isolated in exactly all of those ways.
Somehow, the result is silence. I don't know how to say anything anymore, so I simply don't say anything.
This doesn't work. If there is any isolation, this is the cause, not the symptom. Learn how to talk again... that's what I need to do. Gaining the courage to say what I need to say; that's the only way it'll happen. Gaining the wisdom and understanding to figure out what I need say... this too will take grace.
Somehow, the result is silence. I don't know how to say anything anymore, so I simply don't say anything.
This doesn't work. If there is any isolation, this is the cause, not the symptom. Learn how to talk again... that's what I need to do. Gaining the courage to say what I need to say; that's the only way it'll happen. Gaining the wisdom and understanding to figure out what I need say... this too will take grace.
Friday, January 20, 2006
My thoughts
I don't think I mentioned this before...
Last Sunday, she asked me again, "So what's on your mind."
At that moment, I hadn't actually been thinking about anything in particular, or perhaps I was thinking of too many things at one time. In any case, I said something like "That's one question I've never really been able to answer."
"It's called meta"-something or other ", which is the ability to move what's up there in your head and vocalize them. You need to work on that."
I smiled and nodded and walked away to let her finish what she was working on.
But, do I really want to vocalize what's in my head? Somethings I obviously do, but others... other thoughts are much safer locked away. Either I lock away those thoughts or I'm likely to get locked away myself. It's that simple. My worst fear is not what others might do to me, nor is it the unknowns of the world... my worst fear is simply what I might do to others and the knowns of my mind. So, I have to change those thoughts. This isn't about bottling up feelings until they explode, it's about changing bad habits so that they don't do the full damage that they are capable of by preventing them from ever becoming actions.
But there are some thoughts that still need to be expressed. Just because I'm slightly manic doesn't mean that some of my thoughts are legit. What's worse is that I actually know what words I could use - there are three simple words to say what I mean... but even with those words, I won't know what I mean when I say them. But the thought still needs to be spoken... but now isn't really the best time for that. However, if I keep waiting for the best time, all opportunities will pass by me.
Just one more insanity...
Last Sunday, she asked me again, "So what's on your mind."
At that moment, I hadn't actually been thinking about anything in particular, or perhaps I was thinking of too many things at one time. In any case, I said something like "That's one question I've never really been able to answer."
"It's called meta"-something or other ", which is the ability to move what's up there in your head and vocalize them. You need to work on that."
I smiled and nodded and walked away to let her finish what she was working on.
But, do I really want to vocalize what's in my head? Somethings I obviously do, but others... other thoughts are much safer locked away. Either I lock away those thoughts or I'm likely to get locked away myself. It's that simple. My worst fear is not what others might do to me, nor is it the unknowns of the world... my worst fear is simply what I might do to others and the knowns of my mind. So, I have to change those thoughts. This isn't about bottling up feelings until they explode, it's about changing bad habits so that they don't do the full damage that they are capable of by preventing them from ever becoming actions.
But there are some thoughts that still need to be expressed. Just because I'm slightly manic doesn't mean that some of my thoughts are legit. What's worse is that I actually know what words I could use - there are three simple words to say what I mean... but even with those words, I won't know what I mean when I say them. But the thought still needs to be spoken... but now isn't really the best time for that. However, if I keep waiting for the best time, all opportunities will pass by me.
Just one more insanity...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Weird non-dream
I'm pretty sure this wasn't a dream, because I'm sure that I wasn't asleep. On the other hand, I'm also sure that I wasn't quite awake either. It involved my alarm clocks (I have 3 of them).
I woke up this morning, and there must have been something about the way that 2 of the clocks went off... I decided to turn the 2 clocks off, not because they were annoying, but because they had done something wrong. I turned them off like a parent would ground their child.
What could have possibly made me think my alarm clocks were immoral? I can't remember!
I woke up this morning, and there must have been something about the way that 2 of the clocks went off... I decided to turn the 2 clocks off, not because they were annoying, but because they had done something wrong. I turned them off like a parent would ground their child.
What could have possibly made me think my alarm clocks were immoral? I can't remember!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Rolling with the punches
Weird dream this morning.
I went to sleep around 12am, and woke up around 4:30am, probably due to allergies from my down comforter or something. Come to think of it, I think I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights. The book I was reading before I fell asleep was about church social doctrine. Not exactly the most exciting book, but still interesting. I have the feeling it somehow affected my dream.
Anyway, the dream was this... wait, I'm not even sure if it was a dream or if it was just a thought pattern right after I woke up... anyway...
I imagined my mind was like a ball of thoughts. As the ball rolled around, it absorbed more and more thoughts. As the ideas were absorbed, the ideas were interpretted for validity, and they formed together into a more and more solid understanding. Then I woke up, at first thinking I was smarter; but then I realized I was just the same me.
It's like a game of Katamari, I guess. Time to buy the game.
Oh yeah, this is a definite sign that I'm leaning toward manic.
I went to sleep around 12am, and woke up around 4:30am, probably due to allergies from my down comforter or something. Come to think of it, I think I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights. The book I was reading before I fell asleep was about church social doctrine. Not exactly the most exciting book, but still interesting. I have the feeling it somehow affected my dream.
Anyway, the dream was this... wait, I'm not even sure if it was a dream or if it was just a thought pattern right after I woke up... anyway...
I imagined my mind was like a ball of thoughts. As the ball rolled around, it absorbed more and more thoughts. As the ideas were absorbed, the ideas were interpretted for validity, and they formed together into a more and more solid understanding. Then I woke up, at first thinking I was smarter; but then I realized I was just the same me.
It's like a game of Katamari, I guess. Time to buy the game.
Oh yeah, this is a definite sign that I'm leaning toward manic.
Meaning
Everything has meaning. But, I ought to recognize that attributing too much meaning (especially with too little evidence) is as problematic as ignoring the meaning entirely.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
...
This shall be the shortest post I've written in a long time. Yet still, I see that it obviously is too wordy for it's purpose, for it has no purpose whatsoever...
Friday, January 13, 2006
The story of creation...
a.k.a. Why I can't read fiction.
The gift of the artist is their ability and ambition to create something - a story, a poem, a painting, a sculpture, whatever. I presume (not being an artist myself) that an artist who does their work with passion and pride would create their work in their own image and likeness, which is to say that evidence of themselves and their philosophies and theologies is buried in there (and whether people know it or not, everyone has a philosophy and theology that they hold in their hearts and minds). That being said...
When I went to lunch with a couple of friends today. One asked me if I ever read fiction, something not non-fiction. My first answer was that I don't really think it's worth the time investment in many cases... But then, I also said that, just like I do when I watch movies or TV, I pick the work apart. I examine it for evidence of what the artist planted within the work, because everything that's there (or not there) was either planned (or unplanned). Or, are they just writing to make money? I had too many years of Honors and AP English, I guess.
Easy examples of philosophies/theologies hidden in fiction include The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which only makes sense if you know that Douglas Adams is a Darwinistic Atheist) and The Chroncles of Narnia (which make much more sense when you realize he writes of Christianity inside a fantasy world). Much of modern TV shows seem to push a philosophy (or is it a religion?) that doing nothing is the next best thing to having sex. Soap operas (whether written for women or men) seem to push a philosophy that the only exciting things that happen in life are affairs, scandals, and murders. Among the themes throughout the Harry Potter series seems to be that sacrificial love is the greatest power in the world and that honor and goodness are good while selfishness and cruelty is bad. Among the themes of Dan Brown books seems to be that authority is inherently evil (particularly when that authority is the Catholic Church) and that history is just a cover-up (and is therefore rewritable). The Wheel of Time series just seems to just show in it's writings that the author is simply lost in his own life, possibly from the accolades he had gotten early in the series... okay, so that conclusion is a bit more of stretch, but it seems true nonetheless.
So do I take things too seriously? Or not seriously enough?
Well, what are the results of these artists? Without even thinking about it, people pick up these philosophies and theologies. A while ago, one person told me Obi Wan's line "You will find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view" as evidence that there is no objective truth. Some people assume the Divinci Code contains actual evidence against the Catholic Church; after all, it has a "fact" sheet at the end of the book. Some people watch Dead Poet's Society and accept that we should always follow our passions instead of following authority. Some of the ideas that people pick up from the entertainment industry is as ridiculous as teens saying that Bill Clinton is proof that getting a blow job isn't sex.
Of course, it works both ways; not every philosophy is bad or wrong or evil. Star Wars also shows that there is clearly good and evil. Dead Poet's Society tells us to Cease the Day, not sit around and wait. Pay It Forward shows how random acts of kindness can change the world a little bit at a time. But, I really think that anyone who watches or reads anything ought to always seperate the good and the bad, or if necessary, really evaluate if the movie or book shows something that you should authentically rethink.
That's not to say that I don't enjoy some of the books or movies or TV shows... but before picking something up, I need to know whether it's worth the time of absorbing it and interpretting it, or if it's something I'll be able to put down when I'm unsatisfied or disgusted. But then again, something wretched in the beginning can also be redeemed in the ending... so the next question is, is it worth finishing to see if some wonderful turnaround happens? Then again, I've also seen wonderful beginnings corrupt themselves with horrible endings... I always hope for the former, not the latter.
The gift of the artist is their ability and ambition to create something - a story, a poem, a painting, a sculpture, whatever. I presume (not being an artist myself) that an artist who does their work with passion and pride would create their work in their own image and likeness, which is to say that evidence of themselves and their philosophies and theologies is buried in there (and whether people know it or not, everyone has a philosophy and theology that they hold in their hearts and minds). That being said...
When I went to lunch with a couple of friends today. One asked me if I ever read fiction, something not non-fiction. My first answer was that I don't really think it's worth the time investment in many cases... But then, I also said that, just like I do when I watch movies or TV, I pick the work apart. I examine it for evidence of what the artist planted within the work, because everything that's there (or not there) was either planned (or unplanned). Or, are they just writing to make money? I had too many years of Honors and AP English, I guess.
Easy examples of philosophies/theologies hidden in fiction include The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which only makes sense if you know that Douglas Adams is a Darwinistic Atheist) and The Chroncles of Narnia (which make much more sense when you realize he writes of Christianity inside a fantasy world). Much of modern TV shows seem to push a philosophy (or is it a religion?) that doing nothing is the next best thing to having sex. Soap operas (whether written for women or men) seem to push a philosophy that the only exciting things that happen in life are affairs, scandals, and murders. Among the themes throughout the Harry Potter series seems to be that sacrificial love is the greatest power in the world and that honor and goodness are good while selfishness and cruelty is bad. Among the themes of Dan Brown books seems to be that authority is inherently evil (particularly when that authority is the Catholic Church) and that history is just a cover-up (and is therefore rewritable). The Wheel of Time series just seems to just show in it's writings that the author is simply lost in his own life, possibly from the accolades he had gotten early in the series... okay, so that conclusion is a bit more of stretch, but it seems true nonetheless.
So do I take things too seriously? Or not seriously enough?
Well, what are the results of these artists? Without even thinking about it, people pick up these philosophies and theologies. A while ago, one person told me Obi Wan's line "You will find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view" as evidence that there is no objective truth. Some people assume the Divinci Code contains actual evidence against the Catholic Church; after all, it has a "fact" sheet at the end of the book. Some people watch Dead Poet's Society and accept that we should always follow our passions instead of following authority. Some of the ideas that people pick up from the entertainment industry is as ridiculous as teens saying that Bill Clinton is proof that getting a blow job isn't sex.
Of course, it works both ways; not every philosophy is bad or wrong or evil. Star Wars also shows that there is clearly good and evil. Dead Poet's Society tells us to Cease the Day, not sit around and wait. Pay It Forward shows how random acts of kindness can change the world a little bit at a time. But, I really think that anyone who watches or reads anything ought to always seperate the good and the bad, or if necessary, really evaluate if the movie or book shows something that you should authentically rethink.
That's not to say that I don't enjoy some of the books or movies or TV shows... but before picking something up, I need to know whether it's worth the time of absorbing it and interpretting it, or if it's something I'll be able to put down when I'm unsatisfied or disgusted. But then again, something wretched in the beginning can also be redeemed in the ending... so the next question is, is it worth finishing to see if some wonderful turnaround happens? Then again, I've also seen wonderful beginnings corrupt themselves with horrible endings... I always hope for the former, not the latter.
Distracted
I went to speak with my pastor this morning. The first thing he told me was "You look distracted."
Yeah, too many things going on in my mind, I guess. I asked for suggestions on how to handle different things.
Then I asked him about young adult ministry. When he asked what I'm looking for, I told him some of the thoughts that others and I have previously discussed. I know that by saying something, I've already volunteered to start taking a lead here... I guess that it's about time I start doing something. I'm part of a lost generation that is ready to be reclaimed, a generation of seekers - it is time to start finding.
Yeah, too many things going on in my mind, I guess. I asked for suggestions on how to handle different things.
Then I asked him about young adult ministry. When he asked what I'm looking for, I told him some of the thoughts that others and I have previously discussed. I know that by saying something, I've already volunteered to start taking a lead here... I guess that it's about time I start doing something. I'm part of a lost generation that is ready to be reclaimed, a generation of seekers - it is time to start finding.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
On the 19th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
I just finished giving Christmas presents to my family! I didn't think I'd have the opportunity, but at last, it's done.
Surely you can't be serious?
I am serious, but stop calling me Shirley.
Sometimes I wonder, if I'm taking life too seriously, or not seriously enough. I've basically been spending the time unplugging myself from my own bad habits, and I wonder how much of myself I've been washing out my brain.
Everything has consequences... So what are going to be the consequences of what we do? Therefore, wouldn't it make sense for everyone to pay attention to their actions to make sure that they will have good consequnces?
On the other hand, being serious does not necessarily mean being dour or somber. In fact, if I really took life seriously, I'd appreciate that living is a joy.
So, I have to break out of the depressive attitude that I so naturally carry around with me. Life is good. Be happy.
Sometimes I wonder, if I'm taking life too seriously, or not seriously enough. I've basically been spending the time unplugging myself from my own bad habits, and I wonder how much of myself I've been washing out my brain.
Everything has consequences... So what are going to be the consequences of what we do? Therefore, wouldn't it make sense for everyone to pay attention to their actions to make sure that they will have good consequnces?
On the other hand, being serious does not necessarily mean being dour or somber. In fact, if I really took life seriously, I'd appreciate that living is a joy.
So, I have to break out of the depressive attitude that I so naturally carry around with me. Life is good. Be happy.
Family
So, seeing as I haven't been able to actually do anything around the house like I planned on doing, I've just been using the time to watch movies and hang out with family. Ok, not so much really hanging out with family, but doing things for them. Dropping off my mom at the airport (she's going to the Phillipines for a few weeks, for a medical mission). Sitting around the house until a delivery man drops off a cabinet, only to find out that the delivery guy isn't actually supposed to be "delivering", but only driving the truck that happens to have the cabinet inside it so that the buyer and a group with the buyer can take it off the truck and bring it inside...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Connect the dots
Life is like a big game of connect the dots. The dots are the all events in our lives, from the seemingly random occurences to the minutely planned details of things we create for ourselves. They can be things that happened before we were born, during our life, and even after we die. Everyone sees the dots, but few people see any of the numbers.
Some people are given a special gift - knowing that all the dots, even the ones that are out of their own control, form a huge picture - but they can never see the numbers so they don't know how to put it together. So they squint and stare, then they find a picture. When they find the wrong picture, they get discouraged and sometimes depressed. Eventually, they let other people convince them that there never was a picture, just a bunch of random dots. They get labelled delusional, and sometimes paranoid, manic, or schizophrenic.
Some people ignore the dots completely. After all, if they can't see the immediate picture, the dots must be meaningless. These people call themselves normal. They try to convince everyone else that the dots are meaningless, so that they can keep the illusion of their normalcy.
Just one more reason I don't consider myself normal.
Some people are given a special gift - knowing that all the dots, even the ones that are out of their own control, form a huge picture - but they can never see the numbers so they don't know how to put it together. So they squint and stare, then they find a picture. When they find the wrong picture, they get discouraged and sometimes depressed. Eventually, they let other people convince them that there never was a picture, just a bunch of random dots. They get labelled delusional, and sometimes paranoid, manic, or schizophrenic.
Some people ignore the dots completely. After all, if they can't see the immediate picture, the dots must be meaningless. These people call themselves normal. They try to convince everyone else that the dots are meaningless, so that they can keep the illusion of their normalcy.
Just one more reason I don't consider myself normal.
Vegging
I ought to be finding more productive things to do than just lay around, watch anime, and read books.
But why?
But why?
Monday, January 09, 2006
On your mind
"What's on your mind? You are being awfully quiet."
What are you supposed to say to that? The truth, I suppose... but which truth? Should you offer some minor concern of yours, go straight for the heavy artillery, or just outright drop the bomb that you are really trying not to think about?
Naturally, I went with the minor concern. I didn't know how to use the artillery any more, and I was obviously trying not to think about the bomb.
What are you supposed to say to that? The truth, I suppose... but which truth? Should you offer some minor concern of yours, go straight for the heavy artillery, or just outright drop the bomb that you are really trying not to think about?
Naturally, I went with the minor concern. I didn't know how to use the artillery any more, and I was obviously trying not to think about the bomb.
Insanity part 3
More freakishly bad habits that prove I'm insane.
Limits. I have this history of having a bizarre habit... I will see a line in the sand, look at it carefully, and I will assure myself that this is definitely the line that I'm not supposed to cross... then I'll step over it and see if I was right. The problem is not that I'm overly cautious... the problem is that I'm usually right in my first evaluation of the dangers.
Self analysis. This is where humility foolishly turns to pride. In humility, I see and understand so many of my own problems that I will foolishly think that I see all of my problems and fully understand all of them, which amounts to a masked point of pride.
Hypochondria. This is an extension of the self-analysis bug. Once I think I understand some portion of myself well enough, I start assuming that I can also examine, with professional level of capability, the meanings of all the symptoms I've found and find for myself the root cause. This is how I was able to walk into a psychiatrist's office and tell her I had Bipolar II Disorder and was able to present a cohesive set of facts that led me to that conclusion in order to show her that I was right. And, yes, I test positive on a hypochondria self-test.
Over-scrupulosity. The moral form of hypochondria, sometimes also called the OCD of morality. I understand that I have the grave responsibility to uphold the Catholic morals. The question is if I hold these too tightly or not tightly enough.
Short breath. Sadly, I use this as an excuse for not openning my mouth when I know I should speak. This is the primary rationalization of my "Silent Bob" syndrome.
Fear of intimacy. This is where loneliness begets loneliness... the rationalization is that I don't know some of my friends well enough to talk to them to try to become better friends with them.
Self focus. This is the deepest part of my problems with pride. My self analyses are happening so continuously that I can't get the focus off myself. Even when I pray to God for things that don't concern me directly, I always remember that it is something I am doing and thus get distracted away from the prayers themselves and often find my thought shifting to what I should be doing different or better. It is as if there is no room for selflessness in my mind.
Encouraging/pushing. The one line I can never see is where I am no longer just encouraging someone to do something and I am now pushing them to do something. I believe that I am normally so far beyond this line that I am frequently afraid to tell people things, for fear that they will not receive my suggestions in the loving context that I really intend, but instead will recoil and rebel against my offered advice. I believe that I have lost more than one good friend over this. This is what I mean when I think I can drive people insane.
Non-expertise. I recognize that since I usually take a jack-of-all-trades approach, I am really bad at becoming an expert at many things. Yet, when I lack the expertise to do something, sometimes I don't think it's my place to do anything connected to that subject... if this were true, I wouldn't be able to do anything! Yet it holds me back, nonetheless.
Backstage-ism. Part of me always wants to remain behind the scenes. So when I need to take the stage, it becomes a problem for me. Sometimes, I literally choke when put into the limelight.
I'm sure there is more, but I'm too tired to continue... Later, perhaps.
Limits. I have this history of having a bizarre habit... I will see a line in the sand, look at it carefully, and I will assure myself that this is definitely the line that I'm not supposed to cross... then I'll step over it and see if I was right. The problem is not that I'm overly cautious... the problem is that I'm usually right in my first evaluation of the dangers.
Self analysis. This is where humility foolishly turns to pride. In humility, I see and understand so many of my own problems that I will foolishly think that I see all of my problems and fully understand all of them, which amounts to a masked point of pride.
Hypochondria. This is an extension of the self-analysis bug. Once I think I understand some portion of myself well enough, I start assuming that I can also examine, with professional level of capability, the meanings of all the symptoms I've found and find for myself the root cause. This is how I was able to walk into a psychiatrist's office and tell her I had Bipolar II Disorder and was able to present a cohesive set of facts that led me to that conclusion in order to show her that I was right. And, yes, I test positive on a hypochondria self-test.
Over-scrupulosity. The moral form of hypochondria, sometimes also called the OCD of morality. I understand that I have the grave responsibility to uphold the Catholic morals. The question is if I hold these too tightly or not tightly enough.
Short breath. Sadly, I use this as an excuse for not openning my mouth when I know I should speak. This is the primary rationalization of my "Silent Bob" syndrome.
Fear of intimacy. This is where loneliness begets loneliness... the rationalization is that I don't know some of my friends well enough to talk to them to try to become better friends with them.
Self focus. This is the deepest part of my problems with pride. My self analyses are happening so continuously that I can't get the focus off myself. Even when I pray to God for things that don't concern me directly, I always remember that it is something I am doing and thus get distracted away from the prayers themselves and often find my thought shifting to what I should be doing different or better. It is as if there is no room for selflessness in my mind.
Encouraging/pushing. The one line I can never see is where I am no longer just encouraging someone to do something and I am now pushing them to do something. I believe that I am normally so far beyond this line that I am frequently afraid to tell people things, for fear that they will not receive my suggestions in the loving context that I really intend, but instead will recoil and rebel against my offered advice. I believe that I have lost more than one good friend over this. This is what I mean when I think I can drive people insane.
Non-expertise. I recognize that since I usually take a jack-of-all-trades approach, I am really bad at becoming an expert at many things. Yet, when I lack the expertise to do something, sometimes I don't think it's my place to do anything connected to that subject... if this were true, I wouldn't be able to do anything! Yet it holds me back, nonetheless.
Backstage-ism. Part of me always wants to remain behind the scenes. So when I need to take the stage, it becomes a problem for me. Sometimes, I literally choke when put into the limelight.
I'm sure there is more, but I'm too tired to continue... Later, perhaps.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Reality (Insanity part 2 take 2)
Yes, I saw the clue, I looked at it, I stared at it... and after all that, I found out that if what I thought the clue meant wasn't dead on in the first place, it is obviously true now.
Translation: she recently started seeing a guy that she is now dating.
I want very much to be supportive, because I unquestionably know that I want whatever is best for her. And considering I think of myself as one of those people who is very capable of driving other people insane, I don't think I'm the best guy for anyone right now. Perhaps I'm not insane, but I am doubtlessly an idiot.
Also, it is quite clear as to why I send mixed signals when dealing with women. I simply haven't got a clue as to what message I intend to convey. Sure, I know that with any particular woman that I found attractive, I would really love her... but at the same time, I also think that she might not be able to love me. This view needs to change.
Translation: she recently started seeing a guy that she is now dating.
I want very much to be supportive, because I unquestionably know that I want whatever is best for her. And considering I think of myself as one of those people who is very capable of driving other people insane, I don't think I'm the best guy for anyone right now. Perhaps I'm not insane, but I am doubtlessly an idiot.
Also, it is quite clear as to why I send mixed signals when dealing with women. I simply haven't got a clue as to what message I intend to convey. Sure, I know that with any particular woman that I found attractive, I would really love her... but at the same time, I also think that she might not be able to love me. This view needs to change.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Insanity part 1 take 2
Well, this series of posts is going a completely different direction than I expected. I expected to start off on some rant about the sanity measuring stick that the world uses, but for some reason I went off about something else.
Let's re-examine part 1...
normal people don't clinch their fist randomly and feel like pounding it
normal people don't pick up small objects and feel like throwing them
I attribute these facts to being burnt out at work and to being frustrated in relationships. The blessings of these are that it makes me realize, first and foremost, that my work is not right for me. Because I work too many hours and am pulled away from home so much, I can't keep normal friendships and don't even dare to approach romantic relationships. There are risks, because I also recognize in these signs that I have a hidden anger inside of me.
normal people don't get infatuated this easily
This is the one thing that forces me still to believe that I have bipolar disorder. Maybe infatuation is the wrong word here... it's more like short-lived obsession, not necessarily obsession over people, but an obsession with anything. I can only describe the feeling like this: I like being a puzzle solver; a puzzle has been waved in front of me for about a minute, then is obscured from my view; while I begin to forget what the puzzle actually looked like, I continue to try to solve the puzzle!
This is a blessing that requires much care, because it can have dire consequences. For example, one bad thing is if I stare off into a crowd and find a person who looks familiar, but I continue to stare at them while I figure out who they remind me of... that's just kind of freaky. But the good part is that when I'm talking with someone, I can really pay close attention to them. Or another example, one good thing is that if I look at a situation, with a rather quick glance and a little bit of thinking, I can actually do a decent job of suggesting possible conclusions the situation can lead to, and therefore give advice about what to do to come to a decent conclusion. But the bad part is that I fall into a trap of pride if I actually think I can solve every situation. Also, some situations don't need solving, and I can make a mess of things when I try to solve them!
normal people don't let things go this easily
This is the irony of my infatuations... no matter how important they seem to me at one point, they so often slip out of view suddenly. The blessing here is that I've found it relatively easy to reform my life, which I am in a continuous process of doing. There are risks, of course, which include a fear that I might lose my faith, which built in me a little too suddenly to be completely sure of, or that if I ever get married, I may let my wife slip out of my view too. The other blessing here is that I find it easy to forgive people.
Normal people don't worry about it this much. I do.
"Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Phillipians 2
Most people agree that anxieties aren't good, but I know that my anxieties were given to me so that I may always think about what is good and bad, so that I can eventually have a properly formed conscience to judge my actions.
Normal people don't think that everything they've ever personally done has been wrong. I do.
Here's the little catch... yes, I believe that everything that I (myself) have ever done has been a sin against God. But sometimes God has worked through me to do much good. I pray that it is His Will that He do the latter more often and that I do the former less often. Yet even my prayers are possible only by His Grace. This is the blessing.
Normal people don't think that these things are all blessings. I do.
Yes, in all the bad things that I have ever gone through, there are blessings - some which I recognize and some I don't.
bipolar disorder - a blessing in that it forms within me a particular way of thinking which is distinct from most people
mania - a blessing in that it give a slightest hint of what true happiness could be like
depression - a blessing in that it kept me from developing a huge ego while I grew up
allergies - a blessing in that I can realize that not all things are good for me
asthma - a blessing in that it makes me realize that it is a miracle that I can breath
arthritis - a blessing in that... I haven't a foggiest clue. Perhaps it will be clearer at another time.
a ruptured appendix - a blessing in that I know what severe pain actually feels like
clogged sinuses - a blessing in that I can predict rain by feeling my piercing headaches (strange but true!)
a lot of money - a blessing in that it has shown me that there is no happiness for me in owning things, but in giving things
a too-busy job - a blessing in that it has given me time to reflect what is important to me and what isn't
loneliness - a blessing in that it has made me seek God
a strong guilt complex - a blessing in that it makes me want to repent
a not-so-strong verbal presence - a blessing in that when I speak - people listen
The hard part is seeing the blessings that God can reap from past sins and sinful habits. While the actions or tendencies below have been sinful, they too have helped me realize not only that I need to move away from these tendencies but also that I can do something with what I had "gained" from them. This is not saying that the means justfies the ends (or that old ends justify new means or similar confusing statements like that), only that now that I have turned away (or am trying to turn away) from these sinful ends, I am open to allowing God to draw good things from the evils that I have done and can no longer undo. Some of these tendencies may not be fully gone, but at least they are all healing.
suicidal tendencies - a blessing in that it now helps me want to help younger people through their difficulties
wrath - a blessing in that this always fed my guiltfulness
greed - a blessing in that past pursuit of it has now given me means to help others
lust for women - a blessing in that I realize it was never sexual intercourse and temporary pleasure that I really sought, but intimate relationships and everlasting happiness
envy of neighbor - a blessing in that it had eventually made me want to be happy for their good fortunes
gluttony - a blessing in that it makes me now appreciate the need for fasting
sloth - a blessing in that... well, who am I kidding, I'm still pretty lazy. God is still working on this.
pride - a blessing in that... um... well, I'll not put any words into my mouth for this one, because anything I say about it will give pride too much credit. I am still trying to let God to get rid of this entirely.
lying - a blessing in that this is another guilt feeder, which eventually straightened out into a desire to always be honest
atheism/agnosticism - a blessing in that I can honestly say that I have gone through a fairly comprehensive search of philosophies and religions seeking adequate answers, and can finally say that the only good and consistent answers came from the Catholic church.
I know that blessings can be found in all these things are blessings, simply because God, who is all-knowing, all-powerful, always faithful, and true love, has allowed all these things to happen in my life.
By modern man's rationality, this is insanity. By saint's rationality, this may be a mere child's foolishness (I am, after all, a mere child and a fool). But, this is the extent of my wisdom, so I share it for what it is.
All Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end! AMEN!
Let's re-examine part 1...
normal people don't clinch their fist randomly and feel like pounding it
normal people don't pick up small objects and feel like throwing them
I attribute these facts to being burnt out at work and to being frustrated in relationships. The blessings of these are that it makes me realize, first and foremost, that my work is not right for me. Because I work too many hours and am pulled away from home so much, I can't keep normal friendships and don't even dare to approach romantic relationships. There are risks, because I also recognize in these signs that I have a hidden anger inside of me.
normal people don't get infatuated this easily
This is the one thing that forces me still to believe that I have bipolar disorder. Maybe infatuation is the wrong word here... it's more like short-lived obsession, not necessarily obsession over people, but an obsession with anything. I can only describe the feeling like this: I like being a puzzle solver; a puzzle has been waved in front of me for about a minute, then is obscured from my view; while I begin to forget what the puzzle actually looked like, I continue to try to solve the puzzle!
This is a blessing that requires much care, because it can have dire consequences. For example, one bad thing is if I stare off into a crowd and find a person who looks familiar, but I continue to stare at them while I figure out who they remind me of... that's just kind of freaky. But the good part is that when I'm talking with someone, I can really pay close attention to them. Or another example, one good thing is that if I look at a situation, with a rather quick glance and a little bit of thinking, I can actually do a decent job of suggesting possible conclusions the situation can lead to, and therefore give advice about what to do to come to a decent conclusion. But the bad part is that I fall into a trap of pride if I actually think I can solve every situation. Also, some situations don't need solving, and I can make a mess of things when I try to solve them!
normal people don't let things go this easily
This is the irony of my infatuations... no matter how important they seem to me at one point, they so often slip out of view suddenly. The blessing here is that I've found it relatively easy to reform my life, which I am in a continuous process of doing. There are risks, of course, which include a fear that I might lose my faith, which built in me a little too suddenly to be completely sure of, or that if I ever get married, I may let my wife slip out of my view too. The other blessing here is that I find it easy to forgive people.
Normal people don't worry about it this much. I do.
"Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Phillipians 2
Most people agree that anxieties aren't good, but I know that my anxieties were given to me so that I may always think about what is good and bad, so that I can eventually have a properly formed conscience to judge my actions.
Normal people don't think that everything they've ever personally done has been wrong. I do.
Here's the little catch... yes, I believe that everything that I (myself) have ever done has been a sin against God. But sometimes God has worked through me to do much good. I pray that it is His Will that He do the latter more often and that I do the former less often. Yet even my prayers are possible only by His Grace. This is the blessing.
Normal people don't think that these things are all blessings. I do.
Yes, in all the bad things that I have ever gone through, there are blessings - some which I recognize and some I don't.
The hard part is seeing the blessings that God can reap from past sins and sinful habits. While the actions or tendencies below have been sinful, they too have helped me realize not only that I need to move away from these tendencies but also that I can do something with what I had "gained" from them. This is not saying that the means justfies the ends (or that old ends justify new means or similar confusing statements like that), only that now that I have turned away (or am trying to turn away) from these sinful ends, I am open to allowing God to draw good things from the evils that I have done and can no longer undo. Some of these tendencies may not be fully gone, but at least they are all healing.
I know that blessings can be found in all these things are blessings, simply because God, who is all-knowing, all-powerful, always faithful, and true love, has allowed all these things to happen in my life.
By modern man's rationality, this is insanity. By saint's rationality, this may be a mere child's foolishness (I am, after all, a mere child and a fool). But, this is the extent of my wisdom, so I share it for what it is.
All Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end! AMEN!
Insanity part 2
Let's be real.
If I call and leave a voicemail, they don't get reply in a few days, then I really shouldn't expect one, right? Or if I emails or txt messages get unanswered, the same should be true.
Signs can be clear, but I don't ever actually pick up the clue. Sure, I can look at it, stare at it, read it over and over again, then I decide to ignore the obvious conclusion. I mean, she could be too busy, or maybe I gave mixed signals and she doesn't think I had an interest.
Maybe it is better off staying as a friendship anyway. Maybe I'm better off staying single. Maybe it's the best plan for my life.
In the world's view, this might be crazy... but perhpas this is as close as I can get to sanity.
If I call and leave a voicemail, they don't get reply in a few days, then I really shouldn't expect one, right? Or if I emails or txt messages get unanswered, the same should be true.
Signs can be clear, but I don't ever actually pick up the clue. Sure, I can look at it, stare at it, read it over and over again, then I decide to ignore the obvious conclusion. I mean, she could be too busy, or maybe I gave mixed signals and she doesn't think I had an interest.
Maybe it is better off staying as a friendship anyway. Maybe I'm better off staying single. Maybe it's the best plan for my life.
In the world's view, this might be crazy... but perhpas this is as close as I can get to sanity.
Insanity part 1
I know this much: I am not normal.
normal people don't clinch their fist randomly and feel like pounding it
normal people don't pick up small objects and feel like throwing them
normal people don't get infatuated this easily
normal people don't let things go this easily
but...
Normal people don't worry about it this much. I do.
Normal people don't think that everything they've ever personally done has been wrong. I do.
and
Normal people don't think that these things are all blessings. I do.
I'll admit that I haven't figured out why all of it has been a blessing, but I know that it is. This isn't where a normal person's faith would lead them, but thank God our lives don't all work the same.
normal people don't clinch their fist randomly and feel like pounding it
normal people don't pick up small objects and feel like throwing them
normal people don't get infatuated this easily
normal people don't let things go this easily
but...
Normal people don't worry about it this much. I do.
Normal people don't think that everything they've ever personally done has been wrong. I do.
and
Normal people don't think that these things are all blessings. I do.
I'll admit that I haven't figured out why all of it has been a blessing, but I know that it is. This isn't where a normal person's faith would lead them, but thank God our lives don't all work the same.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Lucy...
I'm home!
Yes, I'm actually in my own house, this quaint little 2-story building that I bought 18 months ago, but where I have probably only spent about 30-40 hours occupying since last April.
What a dump! Well, half that mess is all the things that I had been carrying around with me in my car, and the other half is mail order catalogs, junkmail, and empty boxes from all the stuff I've bought off the internet.
Since garbage day was pushed back this week, I did manage to toss some of the junk I had up in my attic, like old magazines and other stuff that I no longer want to have in my house or in my life. (Yes, the obscure wording of that sentence is intentional.)
Anyway, I am taking next week as a vacation, so that I can try to do things around the house and also to reverse the burnout from being out of town for the past few months.
Yes, I'm actually in my own house, this quaint little 2-story building that I bought 18 months ago, but where I have probably only spent about 30-40 hours occupying since last April.
What a dump! Well, half that mess is all the things that I had been carrying around with me in my car, and the other half is mail order catalogs, junkmail, and empty boxes from all the stuff I've bought off the internet.
Since garbage day was pushed back this week, I did manage to toss some of the junk I had up in my attic, like old magazines and other stuff that I no longer want to have in my house or in my life. (Yes, the obscure wording of that sentence is intentional.)
Anyway, I am taking next week as a vacation, so that I can try to do things around the house and also to reverse the burnout from being out of town for the past few months.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
My underlying weakness
I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - St Paul
I'm going slightly mad. - Freddie Mercury
Yes, I will openly admit it. I am insane. Multiply insane, in fact.
I say this not just as a mere confirmation that I have a documented mental illness or that in the past I have attempted suicide. No, I say this as a confirmation the way I live my life makes no logical sense whatsoever.
I could and should expound on this thought, to clarify what I mean. I do have a very clear and cohesive explanation. I'm not ready to be sent to the funny farm yet. But now is not the time for explanations. I must, for now, end with the statement:
I am insane.
I'm going slightly mad. - Freddie Mercury
Yes, I will openly admit it. I am insane. Multiply insane, in fact.
I say this not just as a mere confirmation that I have a documented mental illness or that in the past I have attempted suicide. No, I say this as a confirmation the way I live my life makes no logical sense whatsoever.
I could and should expound on this thought, to clarify what I mean. I do have a very clear and cohesive explanation. I'm not ready to be sent to the funny farm yet. But now is not the time for explanations. I must, for now, end with the statement:
I am insane.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Assumptions
I've long been thinking about the assumptions people make, and have been trying to figure out how they correlate to what is really going on in their heads. Assuming, of course, that people actually think that they think rationally, there should be more fundemental assumptions underlying the reasoning they think they have, right? But are their underlying assumptions valid or not?
Example 1 - Person is constantly assumes that any new character at work is out to get his job. Also, he assumes that any criticism of work that he has done is a personal attack against him.
Possible underlying assumptions of this person
- He has a good job that people want.
- Certain job functions are his (not someone else's).
- People are their jobs.
Example 2 - Bishop wants parish controlled by lay parishoners to hand control back to the diocese. People interviewed by local newspaper assume that he wants the parish's money.
Possible underlying assumptions of those people
- The Catholic Church is only interested in money.
- Bishops are only interested in power.
Example 3 - Person spends a lot of money at a fundraising auction at church. People assume there is something wrong with this.
Possible underlying assumptions of those people
- He makes too much money.
- He is a just showoff.
- He just throws money around.
- Jesus said you should not give alms in public, so this guy must not believe in Jesus.
- That is all that he gives, and it is obvious he can afford more.
So, based on my assumptions of their assumptions that make their assumptions, what should I learn about myself?
- People act rationally.
- Everyone makes too many assumptions (except me?).
- It is okay to guess at what people are thinking.
- I'm trying to judge people, not just their actions, but their thoughts.
- I think too much.
Like they say, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of u and mption!
Example 1 - Person is constantly assumes that any new character at work is out to get his job. Also, he assumes that any criticism of work that he has done is a personal attack against him.
Possible underlying assumptions of this person
- He has a good job that people want.
- Certain job functions are his (not someone else's).
- People are their jobs.
Example 2 - Bishop wants parish controlled by lay parishoners to hand control back to the diocese. People interviewed by local newspaper assume that he wants the parish's money.
Possible underlying assumptions of those people
- The Catholic Church is only interested in money.
- Bishops are only interested in power.
Example 3 - Person spends a lot of money at a fundraising auction at church. People assume there is something wrong with this.
Possible underlying assumptions of those people
- He makes too much money.
- He is a just showoff.
- He just throws money around.
- Jesus said you should not give alms in public, so this guy must not believe in Jesus.
- That is all that he gives, and it is obvious he can afford more.
So, based on my assumptions of their assumptions that make their assumptions, what should I learn about myself?
- People act rationally.
- Everyone makes too many assumptions (except me?).
- It is okay to guess at what people are thinking.
- I'm trying to judge people, not just their actions, but their thoughts.
- I think too much.
Like they say, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of u and mption!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Plan C
One thing that no one knows about me is that I actually considered priesthood in high school, but it was such a passing thought back then... though I was Catholic, I had no religion. Our old youth minister used to say call religion "Rules and regulations, doctrines and dogmas" and faith "My relationship with myself, others, and God". By doing this, he emphasized the importance of faith, but really, without religion to guide faith, believing in "God" is as good as believing in anything that's not nothing. I chose to believe in the world, because I didn't know who God was.
So priesthood was the original idea, and that's why I call it Plan A. Instead I live in Plan B. This includes a highly paying job, working a lot of hours, lonely and away from home, paying a lot of money for a large house that I don't live in, and stuck with so much debt that I can't afford it without that high paying job.
This road to Plan B took a long time, and I've learned on this road that there is no happiness for me in Plan B. On the long road, I searched many faiths and found no happiness in them. Fortunately, a few years ago, I finally learned what religion really meant and how integral it was to having faith. Sure, it is rules and regulations, doctrines and dogmas, but it is so much more than that. It is a system to explain the world, to explain what life means; it is truth. If it has rules and doctrines, it should also explain why they are necessary; if it doesn't, it should explain why it doesn't. I found truth in one religion, which ironically was the one I started with - Catholicism - the real one, not the misconceptions of most people (including many Catholics, sadly).
So I'm a "cradle convert", both a "cradle Catholic" and a convert. This conversion led me to reconsider what I ignored back in high school - the priesthood. Of course I continued to trust the world, and when I needed help to understand myself, I turned to modern psychiatry not to my religion. This gave me my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, which has kept me out of the priesthood. Now that I look back on it, I think the irony is hilarious.
But life goes on, and my faith in God hasn't passed, so I need to figure out what to do next: Plan C. As I've been in the process of reinterpretting my vocation in life, I can say that I think I've learned a lot about myself. Because of this, I feel blessed to have explored the possibility.
I really did have good intent and honest openness to being a priest, though I knew I had a lot to learn to live it correctly. However, now also I know that one of the reasons I found the priesthood so appealing was that it was an easy escape. Through the three vows of celebacy, poverty, and obedience. It was the easiest way to get out of three things that I'm afraid of abusing: marriage, money, and life.
By the first, I don't mean that I'd abuse my wife physically, but when I say that I'd abuse my marriage, I'm afraid that I wouldn't treat her right. I'm afraid that I will be one of those husbands who spend so much time "breadwinning" that I'll end up not spending any time with her and the family. I'm afraid of smothering her with my needs and not attend to her needs. I'm afraid I won't be able to raise her kids. I'm afraid that I won't love her right. I'm afraid I won't be able to be a husband.
By the second, I have a proven history of wasting money. I know that I'm supposed to be able to use it wisely. Enough said.
By the third... life... Okay, first of all, I'm not at all implying that obedience is the opposite of life. Proper obedience to proper authority is actually a wonderful way to live, one that would make a fuller life than most people can imagine. Unfortunately, it has a very bad rap because of the rarity of proper authority. Anyway, considering I'm hardly a proper authority, trying to live by my own advice would imply a lot of difficulty to living life fully.
But priesthood isn't an option any more. Well, not that it isn't a possibility, but am not pursuing it any more. Now, I think that someone (a vocations director or a bishop) would have to tell me to consider it before I pursue it any further.
So now I need to find Plan C. Plan C will mean walking into these fears. Plan C will mean overcoming some of those. Plan C will mean walking with God, in the world, but somehow not of the world. Plan C will mean learning to love.
This will be difficult, no doubt. Maybe it will be much harder than Plan A was, and will seem nearly impossible compared to how easy Plan B. However, I believe that I won't have to do it on my own and I believe it will be much more rewarding.
So priesthood was the original idea, and that's why I call it Plan A. Instead I live in Plan B. This includes a highly paying job, working a lot of hours, lonely and away from home, paying a lot of money for a large house that I don't live in, and stuck with so much debt that I can't afford it without that high paying job.
This road to Plan B took a long time, and I've learned on this road that there is no happiness for me in Plan B. On the long road, I searched many faiths and found no happiness in them. Fortunately, a few years ago, I finally learned what religion really meant and how integral it was to having faith. Sure, it is rules and regulations, doctrines and dogmas, but it is so much more than that. It is a system to explain the world, to explain what life means; it is truth. If it has rules and doctrines, it should also explain why they are necessary; if it doesn't, it should explain why it doesn't. I found truth in one religion, which ironically was the one I started with - Catholicism - the real one, not the misconceptions of most people (including many Catholics, sadly).
So I'm a "cradle convert", both a "cradle Catholic" and a convert. This conversion led me to reconsider what I ignored back in high school - the priesthood. Of course I continued to trust the world, and when I needed help to understand myself, I turned to modern psychiatry not to my religion. This gave me my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, which has kept me out of the priesthood. Now that I look back on it, I think the irony is hilarious.
But life goes on, and my faith in God hasn't passed, so I need to figure out what to do next: Plan C. As I've been in the process of reinterpretting my vocation in life, I can say that I think I've learned a lot about myself. Because of this, I feel blessed to have explored the possibility.
I really did have good intent and honest openness to being a priest, though I knew I had a lot to learn to live it correctly. However, now also I know that one of the reasons I found the priesthood so appealing was that it was an easy escape. Through the three vows of celebacy, poverty, and obedience. It was the easiest way to get out of three things that I'm afraid of abusing: marriage, money, and life.
By the first, I don't mean that I'd abuse my wife physically, but when I say that I'd abuse my marriage, I'm afraid that I wouldn't treat her right. I'm afraid that I will be one of those husbands who spend so much time "breadwinning" that I'll end up not spending any time with her and the family. I'm afraid of smothering her with my needs and not attend to her needs. I'm afraid I won't be able to raise her kids. I'm afraid that I won't love her right. I'm afraid I won't be able to be a husband.
By the second, I have a proven history of wasting money. I know that I'm supposed to be able to use it wisely. Enough said.
By the third... life... Okay, first of all, I'm not at all implying that obedience is the opposite of life. Proper obedience to proper authority is actually a wonderful way to live, one that would make a fuller life than most people can imagine. Unfortunately, it has a very bad rap because of the rarity of proper authority. Anyway, considering I'm hardly a proper authority, trying to live by my own advice would imply a lot of difficulty to living life fully.
But priesthood isn't an option any more. Well, not that it isn't a possibility, but am not pursuing it any more. Now, I think that someone (a vocations director or a bishop) would have to tell me to consider it before I pursue it any further.
So now I need to find Plan C. Plan C will mean walking into these fears. Plan C will mean overcoming some of those. Plan C will mean walking with God, in the world, but somehow not of the world. Plan C will mean learning to love.
This will be difficult, no doubt. Maybe it will be much harder than Plan A was, and will seem nearly impossible compared to how easy Plan B. However, I believe that I won't have to do it on my own and I believe it will be much more rewarding.
Comments from work
Today, one of the guys at work told me that he was getting hit with more personal attacks today. Then he said "But there's one other thing I noticed... You always manage to stay under the radar. I don't know how you do it, but you do it." I replied "Well, I won't be on the radar until they ignore everything I tell them to do for another couple months." His answer was "No, you just know when to keep your mouth shut."
My thoughts later were "Yes, but I also don't know when to open my mouth."
On a completely different note, another guy told me "I don't know HOW you stay awake all day! You must have a huge coffee mug, but if I had to do what you do, I'd be asleep."
In other words, I'm doing so little at work that it would make more sense for me to just sleep...
My thoughts later were "Yes, but I also don't know when to open my mouth."
On a completely different note, another guy told me "I don't know HOW you stay awake all day! You must have a huge coffee mug, but if I had to do what you do, I'd be asleep."
In other words, I'm doing so little at work that it would make more sense for me to just sleep...
Sunday, January 01, 2006
In the beginning...
Being the first day of the new year, it almost seems appropriate to talk about the creation of the world and the universe. However, I must humbly admit that the full scope of either the theology or the science are currently beyond my reach.
One thing I can say, however, is that people must really think about the scope and limits of their studies. The way I see it, physical science is meant to study the physical universe that we live in, while religion is meant to show us the soul's purpose in the universe we live in.
Any religion (and I mean ANY) should be able to fit within the bounds of the universe we live in, whether 1) it explains the universe in a manner consistant with science or 2) it explains that the findings of science are illusory. Thus, if the univerese were really created in the way science is capable of proving it, the religion ought to be able to show 1) how the reality is important to the soul's purpose or 2) how the "reality" is to be overcome by the religion. If it is not capable of showing this, one would seriously need to question the validity of the religious tenets.
Any scientist MUST be honest about the limits of their findings. Evolution seems to be a decent theory based upon some evidence, but at the same time it seems currently unable to explain many gaps in the supposed chain. They have shown some theories about how species can separate, but it hasn't given any consistent theories about how orders evolve into other orders, much less how domains, kingdoms, and phylum have evolved. Heck, science really hasn't even shown how a series of atoms somehow got into the right mix and influences to allow it to become anything nearly as complicated as a DNA molecule capable of reproducing itself, besides falling back onto an infinite parallel universe theory in which any possibility of energy and matter that could happen has to happen, which science hasn't been able to prove either.
The other way a scientist must be honest about the limits of their findings is how it pertains the human soul. The soul, which I consider the undividable, non-physical being contained within each one of our bodies, is not something that is subject to physical science. Physical science can show the firing patterns of the human brain, but it can't prove there isn't a soul controlling those patterns. Physical science can show that Homo Sapiens evolved out of some primative line of mammals, but it can't prove when mammals were first given souls or that they don't have any. It would be equally foolish to prove, through science, that souls exist or that God exists. Science can prove what science can prove, no less and no more. Science can prove that the universe works in certain ways and can find that the universe doesn't work predictably in other ways. When science dictates that souls don't exist or that God doesn't exist, it has become it's own religion and scientists must admit that. The separation of church and state is not meant to prevent anyone from practicing their faith (even within the public services), but it is meant to protect anyone from having faiths pushed upon them by public services. This includes any public school that pushes a religion, even one based loosely on science, upon it's students.
I'll admit, in regards to the Intelligent Design theory, I haven't yet seen an actual written theory that can be called "science". At least not physical science. They'd either have to provide evidence of God through physical means (which I don't think is possible to prove), that aliens came in a manipulated the chemical mixes and genetics at key points in history (which I don't think is probable to prove). However, pushes for an ID theory in the schools have been primarily motivated by science teachers overstepping the limits of what science can prove.
I do think it would be legitimate for someone to be able to appeal to students that there is sufficient evidence of design throughout the physical universe to make one think that there might be a higher power, and it even might be legitimate to say that the gaps in the scientific theories of creation can be explained by such a higher power. However, it would be up to the individual (and their family and their church) to determine if, who, and what that higher power is.
Teach science (and ONLY science) in the public schools and teach religion at home and at church, but science cannot and must not overstep it's bounds. As for religion overstepping it's bounds... well, there are some religions that think that scientifically-proven evidence is fake or illusory, that all matter is a sham or that dinosaur bones were placed there to tempt scientist or such. However, even they ought to admit that there is an amazing amount of consistency among such illusions.
Overall, I think the whole thing makes a stronger case for private religious schooling and home schooling. I find it amazing when parents are capable of raising their own children, instead of expecting the public school system to do it for them. I'm not saying all parents do that to their children, but it is certainly tragic when it happens.
My beliefs and thoughts?
I believe in God - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - three persons, one God, eternal, perfect, good, the first cause, the self-moved mover.
I believe that God the Father, with the Holy Spirit and through the Word of God (aka God the Son), created the universe that we know.
I believe that all He creates is good.
I believe that the purpose of the universe was so that the beings he created in this universe would love Him, in order to spread His love, not because He had to, but because it pleased Him to do so.
I believe that some time ago, he created, out of nothing, our first father and mother, Adam and Eve, human persons with body and soul.
I have reason to think (in other words, I find the theory reasonable to think) that his means of creating Adam and Eve out of nothing, was a massive burst of energy/matter long ago, followed by a process of genetic manipulation, on a selected planet in a selected time once the energy/matter had settled suitably, and when the time was right for his selected beasts, he breathed into them a soul, and thus finishing the creation of human beings.
I personally believe that God created the universe with one set of physical laws which don't change, as a sign that His love also doesn't change.
I personally believe (in other words, I don't think that this is any official church teaching or is contradictory to it) that in the system of physical laws that He created, there is both an underlying need for His constant love (without which energy/matter would cease to exist) and a means of being controlled by souls that will remain outside physical sciences understanding (as well as outside the understanding of most living human beings).
I believe that He gave us free will, because only with free will can we love Him.
I believe that evil is something that He allows because He loves us enough to follow our free will.
I believe He also created angels, souls without bodies, each a species of themself and gave each one free will decision to serve or not to serve; those who chose not to serve instead tempt us away from God's love to evil and sin.
I believe that, after temptation and threat of the devil, Adam sinned and Eve sinned, which forever changed, in the whole human species, our ability to directly know God, our ability to see the spiritual realities, our ability to influence the physical universe through the will of our soul, our ability to form relationships with one another, our everlasting life which had originally been planned, and other abilities which we might have had.
I believe that any attempt, against the will of God, to regain or use those abilities that we lost in the fall is sinful, harmful, and dangerous to us, individually and as a whole species.
I believe that no power in the universe can separate us from the love of God, except perhaps our own free will.
I believe that His love has and will always triumph over any evil we choose.
I believe that at the fullness of time, God reconciled all humanity through the life, death, and resurrection of His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, so that those who believe in Him might be saved.
I believe that Jesus Christ will return at the end of time, and hence will mark the end of the universe as we know it; at this time, we will be given new bodies and a new universe where we will live eternity in the fullness of God's love (if that's what we decided that we wanted, in our lifetime, at least).
I believe that He established His church on the rock of Peter, and that the gates of Hell will never prevail upon it.
I believe that we are near the end of time and, although it is not for us to know whether that be 4 days from now or 4000 years, it is for us to be always ready and vigilant for the return of Jesus.
I believe that, until the end of the universe, He will still continue creating it.
I think it possible that the human species on this planet may not be the only beings that he created with both body and soul. I believe that if ever we encounter another such race, their religion will be very similar to ours. However, they might not have had to deal with the fall that we experienced. On the other hand, they also may have directly struck a deal with the devil. I pray for the former, not the latter.
I think it is equally possible that there are many universes, but I believe each is created by God. Whether we ever connect to another universe and what we find on the other side shouldn't be our concern, however. We should continue to strive to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (which, incidently, is NOT a parallel universe, but an infinity beyond ours), for only in Heaven will be God, and only with God will be eternal joy.
Anyway, those are the random thoughts of the day. Happy new year!
One thing I can say, however, is that people must really think about the scope and limits of their studies. The way I see it, physical science is meant to study the physical universe that we live in, while religion is meant to show us the soul's purpose in the universe we live in.
Any religion (and I mean ANY) should be able to fit within the bounds of the universe we live in, whether 1) it explains the universe in a manner consistant with science or 2) it explains that the findings of science are illusory. Thus, if the univerese were really created in the way science is capable of proving it, the religion ought to be able to show 1) how the reality is important to the soul's purpose or 2) how the "reality" is to be overcome by the religion. If it is not capable of showing this, one would seriously need to question the validity of the religious tenets.
Any scientist MUST be honest about the limits of their findings. Evolution seems to be a decent theory based upon some evidence, but at the same time it seems currently unable to explain many gaps in the supposed chain. They have shown some theories about how species can separate, but it hasn't given any consistent theories about how orders evolve into other orders, much less how domains, kingdoms, and phylum have evolved. Heck, science really hasn't even shown how a series of atoms somehow got into the right mix and influences to allow it to become anything nearly as complicated as a DNA molecule capable of reproducing itself, besides falling back onto an infinite parallel universe theory in which any possibility of energy and matter that could happen has to happen, which science hasn't been able to prove either.
The other way a scientist must be honest about the limits of their findings is how it pertains the human soul. The soul, which I consider the undividable, non-physical being contained within each one of our bodies, is not something that is subject to physical science. Physical science can show the firing patterns of the human brain, but it can't prove there isn't a soul controlling those patterns. Physical science can show that Homo Sapiens evolved out of some primative line of mammals, but it can't prove when mammals were first given souls or that they don't have any. It would be equally foolish to prove, through science, that souls exist or that God exists. Science can prove what science can prove, no less and no more. Science can prove that the universe works in certain ways and can find that the universe doesn't work predictably in other ways. When science dictates that souls don't exist or that God doesn't exist, it has become it's own religion and scientists must admit that. The separation of church and state is not meant to prevent anyone from practicing their faith (even within the public services), but it is meant to protect anyone from having faiths pushed upon them by public services. This includes any public school that pushes a religion, even one based loosely on science, upon it's students.
I'll admit, in regards to the Intelligent Design theory, I haven't yet seen an actual written theory that can be called "science". At least not physical science. They'd either have to provide evidence of God through physical means (which I don't think is possible to prove), that aliens came in a manipulated the chemical mixes and genetics at key points in history (which I don't think is probable to prove). However, pushes for an ID theory in the schools have been primarily motivated by science teachers overstepping the limits of what science can prove.
I do think it would be legitimate for someone to be able to appeal to students that there is sufficient evidence of design throughout the physical universe to make one think that there might be a higher power, and it even might be legitimate to say that the gaps in the scientific theories of creation can be explained by such a higher power. However, it would be up to the individual (and their family and their church) to determine if, who, and what that higher power is.
Teach science (and ONLY science) in the public schools and teach religion at home and at church, but science cannot and must not overstep it's bounds. As for religion overstepping it's bounds... well, there are some religions that think that scientifically-proven evidence is fake or illusory, that all matter is a sham or that dinosaur bones were placed there to tempt scientist or such. However, even they ought to admit that there is an amazing amount of consistency among such illusions.
Overall, I think the whole thing makes a stronger case for private religious schooling and home schooling. I find it amazing when parents are capable of raising their own children, instead of expecting the public school system to do it for them. I'm not saying all parents do that to their children, but it is certainly tragic when it happens.
My beliefs and thoughts?
I believe in God - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - three persons, one God, eternal, perfect, good, the first cause, the self-moved mover.
I believe that God the Father, with the Holy Spirit and through the Word of God (aka God the Son), created the universe that we know.
I believe that all He creates is good.
I believe that the purpose of the universe was so that the beings he created in this universe would love Him, in order to spread His love, not because He had to, but because it pleased Him to do so.
I believe that some time ago, he created, out of nothing, our first father and mother, Adam and Eve, human persons with body and soul.
I have reason to think (in other words, I find the theory reasonable to think) that his means of creating Adam and Eve out of nothing, was a massive burst of energy/matter long ago, followed by a process of genetic manipulation, on a selected planet in a selected time once the energy/matter had settled suitably, and when the time was right for his selected beasts, he breathed into them a soul, and thus finishing the creation of human beings.
I personally believe that God created the universe with one set of physical laws which don't change, as a sign that His love also doesn't change.
I personally believe (in other words, I don't think that this is any official church teaching or is contradictory to it) that in the system of physical laws that He created, there is both an underlying need for His constant love (without which energy/matter would cease to exist) and a means of being controlled by souls that will remain outside physical sciences understanding (as well as outside the understanding of most living human beings).
I believe that He gave us free will, because only with free will can we love Him.
I believe that evil is something that He allows because He loves us enough to follow our free will.
I believe He also created angels, souls without bodies, each a species of themself and gave each one free will decision to serve or not to serve; those who chose not to serve instead tempt us away from God's love to evil and sin.
I believe that, after temptation and threat of the devil, Adam sinned and Eve sinned, which forever changed, in the whole human species, our ability to directly know God, our ability to see the spiritual realities, our ability to influence the physical universe through the will of our soul, our ability to form relationships with one another, our everlasting life which had originally been planned, and other abilities which we might have had.
I believe that any attempt, against the will of God, to regain or use those abilities that we lost in the fall is sinful, harmful, and dangerous to us, individually and as a whole species.
I believe that no power in the universe can separate us from the love of God, except perhaps our own free will.
I believe that His love has and will always triumph over any evil we choose.
I believe that at the fullness of time, God reconciled all humanity through the life, death, and resurrection of His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, so that those who believe in Him might be saved.
I believe that Jesus Christ will return at the end of time, and hence will mark the end of the universe as we know it; at this time, we will be given new bodies and a new universe where we will live eternity in the fullness of God's love (if that's what we decided that we wanted, in our lifetime, at least).
I believe that He established His church on the rock of Peter, and that the gates of Hell will never prevail upon it.
I believe that we are near the end of time and, although it is not for us to know whether that be 4 days from now or 4000 years, it is for us to be always ready and vigilant for the return of Jesus.
I believe that, until the end of the universe, He will still continue creating it.
I think it possible that the human species on this planet may not be the only beings that he created with both body and soul. I believe that if ever we encounter another such race, their religion will be very similar to ours. However, they might not have had to deal with the fall that we experienced. On the other hand, they also may have directly struck a deal with the devil. I pray for the former, not the latter.
I think it is equally possible that there are many universes, but I believe each is created by God. Whether we ever connect to another universe and what we find on the other side shouldn't be our concern, however. We should continue to strive to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (which, incidently, is NOT a parallel universe, but an infinity beyond ours), for only in Heaven will be God, and only with God will be eternal joy.
Anyway, those are the random thoughts of the day. Happy new year!
FAQ - 2006 version
Finally, frequently asked questions for my blog! Okay, so no one ever asks me about my blog, but Randomly Made-Up Questions (RMUQ) doesn't work that well as an acronym.
What is this blog?
The Bipolar Otaku consists of the random musings of Dreistul. My blog is about my life and tends to reflect whatever is on my mind. When I was still really deep into the online anime culture, I mostly wrote about anime. These days, I mostly write about my faith life.
Who is Dreistul?
Me. My real name is Teofilo Emmanuel Hernandez, Jr., commonly called "JT" (not TJ). Up until recently, I've kept myself somewhat anonymous, but over time, I've been finding less reason to hide behind my words.
Where does the name Dreistul mean?
Nothing. Well, kinda... when I made it up about 5 years ago, I intended to make up a meaningless -but unique- name. In German, it seems to mean "three stools". Dreistul isn't a separate personality, it is me, with all of my blessings and all of my failings.
What does the title Bipolar Otaku mean?
A couple years ago, shortly before I started this blog, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. Back then, I was certain that I had it, but these days I wonder if I made the wrong choice of seeing a psychiatrist.
Otaku is a Japanese word for an overly obsessed fan. Back then, my fan-dom was focused on anime, but these days it is focused on Jesus and His church (the Catholic church, of course).
There's a lot that I'd like to say here, but now isn't the time... Hopefully I'll come back to it later.
What is this blog?
The Bipolar Otaku consists of the random musings of Dreistul. My blog is about my life and tends to reflect whatever is on my mind. When I was still really deep into the online anime culture, I mostly wrote about anime. These days, I mostly write about my faith life.
Who is Dreistul?
Me. My real name is Teofilo Emmanuel Hernandez, Jr., commonly called "JT" (not TJ). Up until recently, I've kept myself somewhat anonymous, but over time, I've been finding less reason to hide behind my words.
Where does the name Dreistul mean?
Nothing. Well, kinda... when I made it up about 5 years ago, I intended to make up a meaningless -but unique- name. In German, it seems to mean "three stools". Dreistul isn't a separate personality, it is me, with all of my blessings and all of my failings.
What does the title Bipolar Otaku mean?
A couple years ago, shortly before I started this blog, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. Back then, I was certain that I had it, but these days I wonder if I made the wrong choice of seeing a psychiatrist.
Otaku is a Japanese word for an overly obsessed fan. Back then, my fan-dom was focused on anime, but these days it is focused on Jesus and His church (the Catholic church, of course).
There's a lot that I'd like to say here, but now isn't the time... Hopefully I'll come back to it later.
Already, but not yet
Happy New Year! At least it would be, if I were at home. Otherwise, I've got another 40 minutes...
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