The Bipolar Otaku

The story of the rich young man (found in Matthew, Mark, and Luke in slightly differing tellings) has been for me, for almost a year, a calling. It has been for me a calling to change so that I may not end up like the weeping (but rich) young man of the story, who simply walks away from Christ after an invitation to follow him. It has been for me a calling to find a simpler life away from riches and worldly possessions. And for a time, it had been for me what I thought was a calling to the priesthood.

I found it a mild oddity that I randomly stumbled upon it in Luke's Gospel while in adoration yesterday. I found it a somewhat significant oddness that it was the Gospel of this morning's mass. But the strangest oddness came when Diane sent me an email this evening saying that she talked with a vocations director who would really like to meet me. That's 3 little pokes in less than 24 hours...

Why now? I'm pursuing other things (or, I should say, "someone") now! Well, yes, I did promise that I would still keep my mind open to the possibility of priesthood, specifically under the condition that a bishop or a vocations director took specific interest in me. I made that promise and intend to keep it. But what would happen if two clear paths openned up at the same time, one toward priesthood and one toward marriage... what would I choose? Would I have to choose? How can I choose between two "good"s? The road less travelled is not necessarily the best, though it would surely make all the difference henceforth.

But, like I said yesterday, this might be a decision that I might not be able to make alone. I have other people to consider now.

I've been implying it for a while, but I seriously need to change some things in my life. Basically, I need to learn to downgrade. I'm going to learn to live with a lot less materially in order to gain a lot more spiritually.

I had been thinking about learning to deal with less, by doing things like fasting and such, but now I'm forced to question those intents. Likewise I had thought about going back to school and getting a much lower paying job, maybe as a teacher, but now I think I'll have to step back and question that intent too.

I set up an appointment with a new doctor, just a general practioner. I'll ask for a referal to a allergist/asthma specialist, and maybe for a sleep specialist since I don't think I'm sleeping well at night. I know I do this because I'm forced to recognize that I can't just live for my own personal intents, as altrustic as they may be, but for others as well.

On the other hand, I'm not planning on going back to psychiatrist/psychologist. I know that at the time, my pdoc was what I needed, but right now I'm not so sure.

The part that bothers me is that I jump to all these conclusions without even knowing for sure that there is any mutual interest. But then again, all I've really decided was that I have to reconsider my life, not that I have already changed my mind on anything. Maybe I won't have to make up my mind by myself, though. :)

I've heard a lot of really good things about this show, but I really can't pull myself to watch it. I'm on the 4th episode, and I think it's actually pretty good, but... I guess that right now I'm just not interested in seeing a show about 80's high school life of a geeks and verge-of-dropout losers... So, it will be pulled off my queue... oh well.

Hotel Rwanda, on the other hand, is an amazing yet horrid movie. Amazing to see the courage of one man, but horrid to see the wickedness of so many others.

March of the Penguins was cute. Sad at times, seeing some of the penguin babies die, but still cute. Oddly romantic too. Gotta love penguins.

Steamboy was okay. They tried so hard to make the animation look spectacular (which it succeeds at doing) that it hurt the storytelling because of needless plot delays. But the mecha designs were pretty cool, besides the idea of the steam castle itself.

Ghost Stories (another anime) is funny. The original script looks horrid, but the American dub... it's hillarious. In particular, the evangelical Christian girl just cracks me up.

So why am I posting about movies right now? Don't I have more important things to talk about? Umm... probably, but no. Nevermind, I'll shut up now.

To quote Manica: Could it Be... that the only mood stabilizer I ever really needed was a good man?

Well, I think I can say this has been true for me. The good man in question was THE good man.

As I said in my reply:
So, the mood stabilizers can give you some breathing room - temporary sanity perhaps, but you have to use that time to work... to break bad instincts, to form good habits, to improve yourself, and to prepare for the next possible attack. And make sure you don't become your own enemy.
I would do well to follow this advice myself.

The question is, am I still crazy? I tell myself, surely more so than ever, but crazy for a purpose: love. Okay, as I go back to read that, it probably doesn't make any sense unless you see my entire viewpoint, but it makes sense to me. Maybe I'll explain later.

Well, I think I'm going to have to back down on the full-blown bread-and-rice fast that I was thinking about... frankly, it would end up forcing me to be anti-social, and that wouldn't be a good thing for me right now. Heather managed to help talk me out of it. So, instead, I think I'm just going to give up eating alone. This means when I'm not with co-workers, I won't eat lunch, maybe I'll just go to a park and read or to a church to pray. If I'm not with friends or family, I won't eat dinner. The money I save from meals (which I estimate as about $10 per meal) I will give as alms (to the Capuchin Soup Kitchen or St Al's Warming Center or something like that). When I skip a meal, though, I can still nibble on bread (and, if I'm sick, chicken broth), as long as I don't try to fill up on bread (like I'm doing right now).

I still want to step up my prayer life. So, I'm thinking 30 minutes in adoration per day minimum (60 minutes would be preferable, though I won't hold myself to it) and daily mass when possible (which means that I'm going to have to learn the daily mass schedule for all the churches around me to find out if it is possible)... Incidently, Heather had thought about doing those things too. Besides that, I'll do morning prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours and I will put a daily rosary back into my routine (maybe while driving or while at work). I've been putting off reading the Book of Job for a while, so I'll read and reflect on a chapter per day (42 chapters over 46 days of Lent... it'll work somehow). And I still need to seriously start a prayer journal.

Giving up credit card use is still part of the plan (though I still intend to use my plastic if I need to do stuff like pay tuition for classes, assuming I finally get accepted to grad school). I didn't realize how much debt I still owe to MC & V! I wonder what it would take to pay it off by the end of the year...

Anyway, I think that is enough for now... not too much to be unmanagable, but still enough to be a challenging trial... also, not just self-sacrificing, but taking on better habits.

Things I need to do first:
- Buy a new paper journal.
- Check out the weekday mass schedules for Macomb County and Rockford.
- Prepare a sheet to note what meals I skipped.
- Prepare something to remind me about morning prayer, rosary, and adoration.
- Be joyful. Smile!

I called up Heather this afternoon, but she said she had to go because a friend of her's had dropped in for a visit. She said she'd call back. Several hours later, I had not gotten a phone call, so (naturally) I had to hold my mind back from jumping to all sorts of conclusions. I decided not to let it bother me... Everything was fine (and not "fine" in a sarcastic tone, but actually okay and good - I knew I had nothing to worry about).

Anyway, around 8:30 I went to the adoration chapel to pray, and I planned on leaving around 9. One thing I was asking for was the grace to continue to love the Lord before all other things. When I looked at my watch, it was about 9:10. As I normally do, I told the Lord "Thanks for bringing me here today" (in my head, of course) and I felt a response (which I sometimes do) which said "Then why are you leaving already?" Hmmm... I didn't have an answer to that. I didn't have any plans... Nothing major going on in my hotel room... maybe she would have called by then, but would it hurt to pray just a little longer? Besides, the last time I had that "feeling" that I should stay longer and chose to ignore it, my leg fell asleep and I ended up faceplanted in a marble floor at the Cathedral of St Louis. So I stayed and read a couple of chapters from Proverbs. Then I left (no "feelings" this time) and got to my car around 9:21. I got a message from Heather around 9:13.

So, if I had gotten up when I planned to, I would have just gotten out of the parking lot when she had called. However, because of this "feeling", I missed it. Somehow, this seems significant. Anyway, I'm sure I'll talk to her tomorrow anyway (it's a little late to call her now), so I'm not concerned about it, but... the timing is just too weirdly perfect to dismiss.

I also know it would be a mistake to read too much into it... after all, I have a pretty extensive history in over-reading little signs like this. All that I can figure is that maybe it's for the better that I didn't talk to her tonight. Tomorrow will work just fine.

I never talk about my colds, unless it's bad enough to land me in the doctors office... For me, colds are so frequent that they are rarely worth mentioning. Yet, when she asked how I was, that was the first thing I said. Why is it different now? Well, I guess it's because I don't want to hide anything from her.

Besides, it's a bit ironic, though, my insurance called me yesterday to ask how my asthma is going after that little hospital trip in December, and to ask me if I had seen a doctor yet... which reminds me, I need to make the time to go find one... Okay, okay, I'm calling the doctor right now...

What, me, nervous? Never! Right... and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Seriously, I still get nervous about whether or not I should call her. After all, maybe I'll get to clingy or too needy and drive her away or something? I don't know. But for the third day in a row, we've talked for over an hour.

Maybe I shouldn't be so nervous after all...

When I was talking with Diane on Monday, I mentioned something that I've felt for a while now...

First, I noted that every place I've visited over the past year, at least one person has suggested that I stay.
Second, I noted that I haven't felt "at home" at home for a long time.

Now I feel like there might be a reason to stay home. Yet, at the same time, I feel more drawn to leave than ever before.

But really, why am I following these either of these feelings? Wouldn't it be safer to acknowledge that my emotions can't be trusted? Hasn't that what I've been telling myself so that I can manage my condition?

What is that I think that I want? Is it a good thing that I want? Do I really want that? What will I do for it?

One of my coworkers called me up today and started on a rant about some other co-workers. I usually try to neither defend nor attack them when they gripe about each other, but I will point out facts and sometimes make the whiner reconsider their assumptions about the other.

In any case, he started going off about how this one guy must be a medicated bipolar. I flat out told him that he was wrong; the symptoms don't match his personality - if he's got a problem, the problem is only the way he chooses to act.

Anyway, it kind of pissed me off that the guy so blatantly misunderstands what he was talking about. After listening to me tell him he was wrong, he finally started to read a little bit about bipolar disorder and acknowledge that it might not be what he thinks.

And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. (Matt. 6:16–18; cf. Mark 2:18–20)

I'm still thinking about doing a major fast for Lent - bread and rice, water and coffee and tea, no sweetners, no milk, no juice, no soup, no other food. I'll allow an exception if I eat at a soup kitchen, perhaps I'll allow myself to drink broth if I really need to, or of course I'll stop if it's a medical emergency. I also want to write a prayer every day for some group of people who I want to intercede for and thus dedicate my fasting. I will have to step up my almsgiving, which should be easy since I won't have lunch and dinner costs. It would be nice if I could go to daily mass, but I'm not sure I'll be able to commit to that. Also, I want to not use credit cards if at all avoidable (perhaps if I want to give to a particular charity online or if I get accepted to school and need to register and buy books). However, the important part will be to show my joy, because if I appear miserable during the fast, then I won't be doing anything for myself or for others. If that happens, I will have to either turn my attitude around or just break the fast.

I'm not too concerned about whether or not I'll be able to handle 40 days of this... at least I wouldn't be if I were alone. From experience, I know I find it really easy to fast and dedicate daily prayer time when I'm out on the road, but when I'm at home I find it really difficult. And it's difficult when I try to spend time with my family (who often want to meet for dinner), especially difficult when I hang out with friends at a restaurant after mass, and I am certain that it will be most especially difficult when I finally decide to ask someone out on a date. Can you picture that: "Yeah, she'll have the filet mignon and I'll have a dinner roll." At the same time, I think it might drive me to be creative... cook dinner instead of going to a restaurant, pack a picnic basket, help together at soup kitchens...

But then again, hopefully everyone will be cool with it and be supportive. I think she is the kind of woman that would help me do it rather than drag me down or get snippy because of what I'm doing "to her". However, I would still wonder what I am doing to her...

In any case, it will be a trial, and I won't be able to do it alone.

So Ash Wednesday is just 7 days away... I'm going to fast the next few of days (until Sunday), just to get myself back into the habit of not going out to eat.

There is so much that happened over the last weekend that I don't even know how to write about it. Here's the short version:

Places:

St Louis was nice. I'd like to go back one day.

Kansas City was interesting. I've already promised to go back soon.

Belvidere is here. I'm not particular excited to be back here.

Home is missed. I'll be back soon, but will it be soon enough?

People:

Matt Maher was awesome in concert. It was good to see him again, even if he barely recognized me even though we hung out for a couple weeks last year.

Diane is always incredible, but is running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I saw some of the frustrations that she has to put up with as a youth minister in a semi-liberal parish in a liberal diocese. I want to help, if I can.

Lucy is also incredible and is still hilarious. But I thought I saw some bottled up frustrations that she didn't want to let go of.

Julia is also incredible, but is more obviously frustrated. We had an interesting 4 hour conversation about the meaning of love, about church history, and about various other stuff. I think she must have had a bad break-up recently. She and her mom are still rather insistent that I continue to explore becoming a priest, so they want me to see a nearby monastary.

The Pickert's extended family was nice to meet. Her brother-in-law is thirsting for truth, and I got to answer some of them.

Zac, who happened to visit the Pickerts that same weekend. was good to talk to. Though he still goes to St A's, I hadn't really talked to him since Covecrest, so it was interesting to find out what he was planning after high school.

Zack and Kelly, who were just driving through Kansas City on Monday, were a nice surprise. I hadn't seen him since he moved, and I still want to see Kelly on stage.

Heather is fun to talk to. She is on my mind a lot. Yes, I have her number now and yes, we call each other and talk at great lengths about books and traveling and work and lots of other things. It'll still be a week and a half til I see her again.

posted by JT  # 9:19:00 AM 0 comments

Okay, I'm really really bad at this stuff...

I've gotta a new mental slogan: "Don't fill in the blanks." By this, I simply mean that, if I were talking to someone, I don't know how they would respond to anything I say, so if I were imaginarily talking with that someone, I shouldn't assume that I know how they would respond to anything I say. Basically, this is how I mind-fuck myself, so I gotta stop doing it. Instead, I have to go to the source and find out a real answer.

So, you (as an imaginary reader of a blog where I never really say what's going on in my life) might wonder where I am - I'm in St Louis. I arrived about an hour ago (8am) after leaving Dearborn around 10pm last night, driving the 8 hour drive plus 2-1 hour naps along the way. This is after barely sleeping Thursday night...

Why am I in St Louis? I meeting my friends from Kansas City in St Louis to go see a Matt Maher concert. I guess you can say I drove 8 hours to see this concert, but really I've just been trying to go see Mama P and the girls for a long time and meeting in St Louis was just really convenient.

Why did I leave from Dearborn? I think I mentioned that Beer Brats and Benedict thing in a previous post, in which they served German beer (which I didn't drink), served Bratwurst (which really upset my stomach), and talked about Bene16's new encyclical.

And yes, the failure I mentioned previously was a failure to get a phone number... Once again, I waited for the perfect opportunity, but never found it. So I think I'll have to get her phone number the old fashioned way: email. Assuming, of course, that she would actually want to talk to me... but the assumptions that she might or might not want to talk to me are exactly why I decided I need to stop mind-fucking myself with the imaginary dialogues. So I will try not to fill in the blanks anymore.

On that note, I have an email to write.

So, I leave this weekend for St Louis to go to a Matt Maher concert and to hang out with the P family, before heading off to Belvidere for a couple weeks.

Last night at "Tapping on Theology" or whatever they want to call it these days (which was meant to be a young adult catechesis session that turned into a old adult catechesis session and so lost the right to use the copyright name they used to use), I talked with her a bit, and I figured I now had to go to Beer Brats and Benedict this Friday (which will be a one-time German beer festival to talk about Pope Benedict aka Joseph Ratzinger and his life) just so that I can hang out one last time before I leave for a couple weeks. But I'll miss the "Wine and Wisdom" talk in a couple weeks... bummer. I'm wondering what the next group will call themselves - Christ and Chianti?

Anyway... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm wondering if I'm just infatuated or what... I don't know how to act or what to say... I'm getting nervous when she's around. I just know I want to be around.

We had yet another (though much shorter) hanging-out-in-the-parking-lot scene last night, except this was with a little bit of freezing rain, though neither of us ever mentioned it. I loaned her some Matt Maher CDs and we talked about pets. I still didn't ask for a phone number. I guess I'll have to be there on Friday...

Of course, if I ask her out, it will make for an interesting 40 days worth of dating, considering I won't be back until Lent has started and she is planning on giving up coffee while I was planning on giving up eating anything but bread. I guess it'll be an opportunity to be creative.

Is it normal to stand outside in 35-40 degree weather and talk to someone for 30-60 minutes? I mean, it's only like the 4th time we've decided to do that, so maybe it's nothing... *roll eyes at self*

And I think I'm finally picking up on the clue that I'm not supposed to eat Thai food anymore. My stomach rumbled for over an hour while sitting next to her... it wasn't pretty. But even after that, she never commented on it and she still hung out with me out in the cold.

Gotta get her digits...

Thus ends Rainbow XXIV, the youth conference run by the CYO Youth Council of Detroit. This was my first year with Adult Committee. I've already been a participant, a Youth Council member, and a chaperone, but this is different. AC has the wonderful job of doing all of the behind the scenes work as well as all traffic coordination and all policing. I can handle the first two, but I could never be a policeman. I just don't find myself capable of forcing people to follow rules. If I had the time, I'd be more than happy to tell them why the rules are there and why they should be followed, but when they do it anyways, I can't bring myself to stop them. So some groups (with an adult chaperone) went up to their rooms when I wasn't supposed to let them. Ooops. This completely pissed off the captain of the traffic team, and she spent the rest of the weekend treating me as a complete incompetent idiot. Fun.

But it was fun. I got to yell and scream toward people (but not at people). Handling traffic flow was a blast. Considering there were about 1600 people there and about 75% of them went through my 4-way intersection (which I manned alone for about 3 hours) at least once, it seems like it should have been overwhelming. However, everything went smooth as ice. People got to where they needed to get to and there wasn't any issue.

The other fun part I got to do was to hold signs. Everyone in lower floors were supposed to go to the right and upper floors to the right, or people going to their cars to the right and luggage to the left... and for about an hour, that's all we had to tell all 1600 participants. So me and the other people holding the signs would put on little acts or shouting matches or play games with the signs or dance or pose. I even got high school students to take the signs and yell with me or to cheer me on. It was hilarious. Or at least we thought it was.

But the best part was the key note speakers, Tony Melendez and Steve Agriassano, two Catholic musicians. Okay, so I don't know how to spell their names, but they were simply amazing. Unfortunately, I got to see very little of them.

Mass was celebrated by Cardinal Maida. I liked his homily - I thought he did a pretty good job talking about the theme for this year's conference and how to live it out. I think I was unique in my opinion, though. One chaperone went so far as to suggest "Can you chose a differnt homilist next year?" I cringed when she said it. I don't think she realizes all that she really suggested in this one statement...

Anyway, something about the mass saddened me. The participants (which is to say, us laypeople collectively) felt wrong. I guess since I was the only person that I know who was kneeling among 1600 people who SHOULD be kneeling... yeah, that would make the entire crowd feel wrong. I saw many people kneel later, after communion, but to kneel after receiving the Eucharist, but not during the consecration, like they did - it's almost like glorifying the fact that we received Jesus, but not respecting the fact that He died for us, so it actually felt like the mass lost its center, its focus, part of its meaning, part of its truth. Like I said, it saddened me. On the other hand, I was happy to see a long line for confessions before mass... of course, not because people had sinned, but that they were going to be reconciled from those sins.

Also, it was cool that I got to see my parish a lot. I even managed to eat dinner and both lunches with them (even when I was in a rush). They would sometimes find me as I was working, just to chat, which I thought was pretty cool.

That's about all I have to say about it. It was fun. Don't know if I'll do it again. I told some of the crew that "It depends on where I am next year." Where can be a figurative term.

So... I guess the only question on my mind right now is this: Why haven't I gotten her phone number yet?

Why does it seem like February is half-gone already? It's only the 7th! Maybe it's because most of my time is already booked for the rest of the month?

Well, Lent is coming up in just 3 more weeks. I've been thinking about making a pretty radical fast... I'm not exactly sure how I want to word it, but I expect to pretty much end up with a bread-and-water diet, but at the same time leave my options open. For one thing, I don't want to prevent myself from going out on a date... using Lent as an excuse for me being too spineless to ask someone out would hardly be in keeping with the spirit. So, I'm thinking of keeping myself to a strict allowance, like maybe $1 per day for food & drink. Of course, complimentary food (like hotel breakfasts) would be counted as being paid, but free food (like for volunteering with something or eating at a soup kitchen) would be fair game. Considering my normal meals average somewhere around $20 per day, this would be radically different from normal life for me. But, then again, I don't want to kill off my social life with this $1 deal, so maybe I'll say $1 per day plus an extra $10 or $20 per week... that might work. Vitamin suppliments will be necessary, and I'll have to be careful, to make myself eat if I actually go too far.

Oh yeah, and while I'm at it, I might as well give up all use of credit cards, except in dire circumstances. Paying for gas in cash will be a pain, but maybe it will make me more keenly aware how much the cost of gas really is.

While some of the money saved will need to go to my "get out of slavery" fund, a portion will definitely need to get paid to charity. I might resume tithing again.

So, a question for the reader: am I nuts?

It's still bothering me... what was it that I meant to write?

I know exactly what the thought trigger was: it was a particular email. But seeing as the email doesn't really say anything particularly important, I wonder what I was thinking... Perhaps it was the lack of particular importance that concerned me? Maybe I was just trying to gauge my expectations.

Oh... The thought was about getting involved, and I meant the word in a general sense (as in getting involved in a ministry), in a particular sense (as in getting involved with a person), in a psycho-emotional sense (as in getting involved as opposed to staying detached), and perhaps in a couple other connotations which I haven't figured out yet, all at the same time, though I really didn't intend on reveal any of that in the post. It was to be posed as something along the lines as "It's hard to get involved when you have so many things going on and you are away so much... but that is exactly when it seems the most necessary." And it was meant to be a open statement awaiting a response, as if I were in dialogue with a particular someone, and wondering what they would respond.

Umm... hi. I kinda wish I remember what I wanted to say.

It was something to the effect that life would be easier if... no... Or maybe it was something about how it's better to be... no, not that either.

Stupid blogger. If it were working an hour ago, I would have posted it then, but nooooo.... Now I forgot it.

Oh, yeah, I heard there's supposedly a game going on...

Um... no thanks.

I like her. I think we clicked - we were on the same wavelength all night. Laughed at each others jokes, shared similar life stories, we had fun. I thought there was hope after talking with her before, but today just felt... more so.

After mass, a bunch of us, as we normally do, went out to eat. One by one, people left, and there were three of us who stayed and talked. They eventually had to kick us out, because they were closing up the restaurant. The three of us (she, another guy, and I) hung out in the parking lot for another hour or two. Despite the cold, we just hung out. I wanted to ask her out, but with the other guy there, I never really had the opportunity.

But then again, I kept wondering if the other guy was thinking the same thing I was thinking.

Besides that, I always wondered if it would be okay to try to start a relationship right now. I am, after all, expecting to make some radical life changes over the next couple of years. But maybe I won't have to do them alone.

On the other hand, I do feel kind of bad. There was another girl there tonight who expressly talked about how she was looking for a new husband, and talked about how hard it is to find a Catholic guy who is attracted to her. I just said I have the same problem.

Perhaps I'm thinking too far ahead. For starters, I didn't even get her number, but I'll be seeing her soon, probably Tuesday or Wednesday. Besides, I owe her an email about a young adult conference that we might try to coordinate. We'll see.

So, I guess I'm glad I went home, not to KC (which really would have been a good trip too, I'm sure). Besides, today at mass, they also celebrated the feast of St Blase, so they blessed everyone's throat, and God knows that my throat definitely needs some healing.

Now I get it... the project must have gone radically overbudget around the 12th episode. I mean, they hardly animated anything, and they even avoided using voice actors by the end. Heck, not only were there 4 or 5 different "The story up til now" episodes, but they also had long sections where they didn't even show any of the characters... actually there was a 3 minute section where they didn't even show animation, but pictures of a classroom window over and over and over and over... It's too bad, because the story was actually pretty good, up until it all fell apart... The ending... ouch.

Well, I was thinking about driving down to Kansas City
this weekend. Actually, not just thinking about it,
the plan was pretty much set: I wake up tomorrow,
drive 8 hours (through Iowa... *snore*), stay at my
friends' new house, hang out for the weekend, and then
after their Sunday evening mass I'd drive 13 hours to
show up in Toledo on Monday morning so that I can work
9 hours then finallllly drive the last 2 hours to get
home. Yeah, that sounded like a great plan!

Well, actually, in some ways it was. See, Kansas City
is southwest. Southwest meant partly sunny and
temperatures in the upper 40's to mid 50's. Home is
east-northeast. East-northeast meant rain and snow
and temperatures in the mid 30's to lower 40's, along
with stupid football fans gathering in Det-riot for
some stupid event (ie Superbowl XL).

Ah well... the trip to KC fell through again. It's
too bad, because I miss seeing them all the time.
Mama P was always one of the people I could always
talk to, and I haven't been able to talk to her much
since she moved to KC. She's actually trying to get
me to meet with the vocations director down there...
well, I'm still open to the idea... at least I think I
am. On the other hand, the idea of finding a happy
marriage was kind of growing on me too, and I was
hoping that she'd help me in that arena instead.

So, instead I will go home... this is actually kind of
good, because there is someone back at home I was
hoping to talk to again, and I'm sure she'd be at mass
tomorrow night. But, I'll need to build up some
confidence before that...

Anyway, the next KC trip attempt will be in a couple
of weeks. They were thinking about going to a concert
in St Louis, so I might just meet them in STL instead.
We'll see.

It's not loneliness.

Not really, at least. I don't feel alone. I just feel incomplete.

Perhaps it doesn't help that I'm watching KKnJ (Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou - His and Her Circumstances, a romantic anime). It's interesting to watch it now, because for an anime, it's barely animated... It's more like a moving manga than an actual anime, but maybe that's what I always liked about it, though I never watched it to the end. Yet another series I bought but never watched, so it's finally time to finish it.

This is just a test txt blog entry.

I don't know why I was reminded of this...

When I was younger, perhaps 10-11... I'm pretty sure it was a year or two after my first suicide attempt, because I was pretty emotionally fragile back then... we were at an annual Filipino New Year's party that my parents always dragged us to. It was just after the ball dropped, and they were giving away those annoying little kazoo-type noisemakers. They ran out before they got to my table. My dad kept insisting that I need to get one, but I kept telling him that I don't want one. He went to go look for one anyway, and came back and gave it to me. It didn't work, and because of this, I cried. My dad was pissed at me for crying.

I look back and wonder what it was that I was thinking. Why didn't I want one? Did I not want to be a bother to anyone after they ran out or did I think I was too cool to blow one? As for crying, I'm pretty sure that I cried because my hopes had been built up, just to find myself disappointed. Then my dad yelling at me about it just made it worse.

Why did I remember this event? What effect did it have on me?